The Collected Shorter Plays (5 page)

MRS. ROONEY

Mrs. Tully I fancy. Her poor husband is in constant pain and beats her unmercifully.
[
Silence
.]

MR. ROONEY

That was a short knock. [
Pause
.] What was I trying to get at?

MRS. ROONEY

Business.

MR. ROONEY

Ah yes, business. [
Narrative tone
.] Business, old man, I said, retire from business, it has retired from you. [
Normal tone
.] One has these moments of lucidity.

MRS. ROONEY

I feel very cold and weak.

MR. ROONEY

[
narrative tone
] On the other hand, I said, there are the horrors of home life, the dusting, sweeping, airing, scrubbing, waxing, waning, washing, mangling, drying, mowing, clipping, raking, rolling, scuffling, shovelling, grinding, tearing, pounding, banging and slamming. And the brats, the happy little healthy little howling neighbours’ brats. Of all this and much more the week-end, the Saturday intermission and then the
day of rest, have given you some idea. But what must it be like on a working-day? A Wednesday? A Friday? What must it be like on a Friday! And I fell to thinking of my silent, backstreet, basement office, with its obliterated plate, rest-couch and velvet hangings, and what it means to be buried there alive, if only from ten to five, with convenient to the one hand a bottle of light pale ale and to the other a long ice-cold fillet of hake. Nothing, I said, not even fully certified death, can ever take the place of that. It was then I noticed that we were at a standstill. [
Pause. Normal tone. Irritably
.] Why are you hanging out of me like that? Have you swooned away?

MRS. ROONEY

I feel very cold and faint. The wind—[
whistling wind
]—is whistling through my summer frock as if I had nothing on over my bloomers. I have had no solid food since my elevenses.

MR. ROONEY

You have ceased to care. I speak—and you listen to the wind.

MRS. ROONEY

No, no, I am agog, tell me all, then we shall press on and never pause, never pause, till we come safe to haven.
[
Pause
.]

MR. ROONEY

Never pause . . . safe to haven. . . . Do you know, Maddy, sometimes one would think you were struggling with a dead language.

MRS. ROONEY

Yes indeed, Dan, I know full well what you mean, I often have that feeling, it is unspeakably excruciating.

MR. ROONEY

I confess I have it sometimes myself, when I happen to overhear what I am saying.

MRS. ROONEY

Well, you know, it will be dead in time, just like our own poor dear Gaelic, there is that to be said. [
Urgent baa
.]

MR. ROONEY

[
startled
] Good God!

MRS. ROONEY

Oh the pretty little woolly lamb, crying to suck its mother! Theirs has not changed, since Arcady.
[
Pause
.]

MR. ROONEY

Where was I in my composition?

MRS. ROONEY

At a standstill.

MR. ROONEY

Ah yes. [
Clears his throat. Narrative tone
.] I concluded naturally that we had entered a station and would soon be on our way again, and I sat on, without misgiving. Not a sound. Things are very dull today, I said, nobody getting down, nobody getting on. Then as time flew by and nothing happened I realized my error. We had not entered a station.

MRS. ROONEY

Did you not spring up and poke your head out of the window?

MR. ROONEY

What good would that have done me?

MRS. ROONEY

Why to call out to be told what was amiss.

MR. ROONEY

I did not care what was amiss. No, I just sat on, saying, If this train were never to move again I should not greatly mind. Then gradually a—how shall I say—a growing desire to—er—you know—welled up within me. Nervous probably. In fact now I am sure. You know, the feeling of being confined.

MRS. ROONEY

Yes yes, I have been through that.

MR. ROONEY

If we sit here much longer, I said, I really do not know what I shall do. I got up and paced to and fro between the seats, like a caged beast.

MRS. ROONEY

That is a help sometimes.

MR. ROONEY

After what seemed an eternity we simply moved off. And the next thing was Barrell bawling the abhorred name. I got down and Jerry led me to the men’s, or Fir as they call it now, from Vir Viris I suppose, the V becoming F, in accordance with Grimm’s Law. [
Pause
.] The rest you know. [
Pause
.] You say nothing? [
Pause
.] Say something. Maddy. Say you believe me.

MRS. ROONEY

I remember once attending a lecture by one of these new mind doctors. I forget what you call them. He spoke—

MR. ROONEY

A lunatic specialist?

MRS. ROONEY

No no, just the troubled mind. I was hoping he might shed a little light on my lifelong preoccupation with horses’ buttocks.

MR. ROONEY

A neurologist.

MRS. ROONEY

No no, just mental distress, the name will come back to me in the night. I remember his telling us the story of a little girl, very strange and unhappy in her ways, and how he treated her unsuccessfully over a period of years and was finally obliged to give up the case. He could find nothing wrong with her, he said. The only thing wrong with her as far as he could see was that she was dying. And she did in fact die, shortly after he had washed his hands of her.

MR. ROONEY

Well? What is there so wonderful about that?

MRS. ROONEY

No, it was just something he said, and the way he said it, that have haunted me ever since.

MR. ROONEY

You lie awake at night, tossing to and fro and brooding on it.

MRS. ROONEY

On it and other . . . wretchedness. [
Pause
.] When he had done with the little girl he stood there motionless for some time, quite two minutes I should say, looking down at his table. Then he suddenly raised his head and exclaimed, as if he had had a revelation, The trouble with her was she had never really been born! [
Pause
.] He spoke throughout without notes. [
Pause
.] I left before the end.

MR. ROONEY

Nothing about your buttocks? [
Mrs. Rooney weeps. In affectionate remonstrance
.] Maddy!

MRS. ROONEY

There is nothing to be done for those people!

MR. ROONEY

For which is there? [
Pause
.] That does not sound right somehow. [
Pause
.] What way am I facing?

MRS. ROONEY

What?

MR. ROONEY

I have forgotten what way I am facing.

MRS. ROONEY

You have turned aside and are bowed down over the ditch.

MR. ROONEY

There is a dead dog down there.

MRS. ROONEY

No no, just the rotting leaves.

MR. ROONEY

In June? Rotting leaves in June?

MRS. ROONEY

Yes, dear, from last year, and from the year before last, and from the year before that again. [
Silence. Rainy wind. They move on. Dragging steps, etc
.] There is that lovely laburnum again. Poor thing, it is losing all its tassels. [
Dragging steps, etc
.] There are the first drops. [
Rain. Dragging steps, etc
.] Golden drizzle. [
Dragging steps, etc
.] Do not mind me, dear, I am just talking to myself. [
Rain heavier. Dragging steps, etc
.] Can hinnies procreate, I wonder? [
They halt
.]

MR. ROONEY

Say that again.

MRS. ROONEY

Come on, dear, don’t mind me, we are getting drenched.

MR. ROONEY

[
forcibly
] Can what what?

MRS. ROONEY

Hinnies procreate. [
Silence
.] You know, hinnies, or jinnies, aren’t they barren, or sterile, or whatever it is? [
Pause
.] It wasn’t an ass’s colt at all, you know, I asked the Regius Professor.
[
Pause
.]

MR. ROONEY

He should know.

MRS. ROONEY

Yes, it was a hinny, he rode into Jerusalem or wherever it was on a hinny. [
Pause
.] That must mean something. [
Pause
.] It’s like the sparrows, than many of which we are of more value, they weren’t sparrows at all.

MR. ROONEY

Than many of which! . . . You exaggerate, Maddy.

MRS. ROONEY

[
with emotion
] They weren’t sparrows at all!

MR. ROONEY

Does that put our price up?
[
Silence. They move on. Wind and rain. Dragging feet, etc. They halt
.]

MRS. ROONEY

Do you want some dung? [
Silence. They move on. Wind and rain, etc. They halt
.] Why do you stop? Do you want to say something?

MR. ROONEY

No.

MRS. ROONEY

Then why do you stop?

MR. ROONEY

It is easier.

MRS. ROONEY

Are you very wet?

MR. ROONEY

To the buff.

MRS. ROONEY

The buff?

MR. ROONEY

The buff. From buffalo.

MRS. ROONEY

We shall hang up all our things in the hot-cupboard and get into our dressing-gowns. [
Pause
.] Put your arm round me. [
Pause
.] Be nice to me! [
Pause. Gratefully
.]
Ah, Dan! [
They move on. Wind and rain. Dragging feet, etc. Faintly same music as before. They halt. Music clearer. Silence but for music playing. Music dies
.] All day the same old record. All alone in that great empty house. She must be a very old woman now.

MR. ROONEY

[
indistinctly
] Death and the Maiden. [
Silence
.]

MRS. ROONEY

You are crying. [
Pause
.] Are you crying?

MR. ROONEY

[
violently
] Yes! [
They move on. Wind and rain. Dragging feet, etc. They halt. They move on. Wind and rain. Dragging feet, etc. They halt
.] Who is the preacher tomorrow? The incumbent?

MRS. ROONEY

No.

MR. ROONEY

Thank God for that. Who?

MRS. ROONEY

Hardy.

MR. ROONEY

“How to be Happy though Married”?

MRS. ROONEY

No no, he died, you remember. No connexion.

MR. ROONEY

Has he announced his text?

MRS. ROONEY

“The Lord upholdeth all that fall and raiseth up all those that be bowed down.” [
Silence. They join in wild laughter. They move on. Wind and rain. Dragging feet, etc
.] Hold me tighter, Dan! [
Pause
.] Oh yes! [
They halt
.]

MR. ROONEY

I hear something behind us.
[
Pause
.]

MRS. ROONEY

It looks like Jerry. [
Pause
.] It is Jerry.
[
Sound of Jerry’s running steps approaching. He halts beside them, panting
.]

JERRY

[
panting
] You dropped—

MRS. ROONEY

Take your time, my little man, you will burst a blood-vessel.

JERRY

[
panting
] You dropped something, sir. Mr. Barrell told me to run after you.