The Color of a Dream (22 page)

“That won’t help our case,” she told me.

So I refrained.

It should be mentioned, however, that what
surprised me most throughout the ordeal was the fortitude of my new
heart. I was able to survive that day so it must have been made of
steel.

* * *

I didn’t dream about flying that
night—mostly because I hardly slept a wink. When I did manage to
doze off for brief intervals, I dreamt only of Ellen crying for me
in the darkness. Then I woke repeatedly in a state of tormented
agony and stared at the wall again. In the darkness.

Be strong, my darling baby girl
.

Could she hear my thoughts across the
distance? I wondered. Would she understand them if she could? I
truly didn’t know.

I must have plunged into a deep, deathlike
slumber around dawn because it was past nine o’clock when I my eyes
fluttered open.

At first the world seemed normal. Then I
remembered what had occurred the day before and a dark cloud of
sorrow settled over me. My baby’s crib was empty. She was gone.

I sat up in bed, overwhelmingly aware of the
silence. Mornings were usually such an active time with Ellen. We
laughed and talked and got ready for the day.

It was eerily quiet. I felt like a
ghost.

Tossing the covers aside, I rose from bed
and stepped into the shower where I sat down on the tiled floor
under the hot spray and remained there until the water turned cold.
At that point, I stood up and shut off the faucet.

I returned to my room, pulled on a pair of
faded blue jeans and T-shirt, but didn’t bother to dry my hair or
apply makeup before going downstairs.

I found Jesse at the kitchen table reading
the paper. Startled by my quiet approach, he jumped when he saw me,
set the paper down and looked up at me.

“Good morning,” he said. “Are you hungry? I
made you an egg-white omelet. Peppers and mushrooms, just the way
you like it, and I boiled water for tea.”

I stared at him, unable to speak.

He stood up and pulled out a chair for me. I
shook myself out of my stupor and sat down.

“You are a true gentleman,” I replied.
“Thank God I have you.”

“And thank God I have you.” He pushed my
chair in and kissed the top of my head.

How grateful I was for his gentle kindness
and understanding. He didn’t try to talk me out of my grief. He
knew I couldn’t possibly pretend it didn’t exist.

“How about a grapefruit?” he asked as he
picked up the skillet and a spatula. “I ate the other half of one
this morning. I could get it—”

“No, that’s fine. This is enough.”

He slid the omelet onto my plate. “Orange
juice?”

“Sure,” I replied, just to give him
something to do.

He set the skillet back on the stove, poured
me a glass of juice and handed me my anti-rejection pills. Then he
joined me at the table.

I had to force myself to swallow the first
few bites because I had no appetite, but I knew how important it
was to keep up my strength and stay healthy. If I was going to see
Ellen again, I might have to get on a plane.

Jesse covered my hand with his. “I know this
is rough,” he said, “but it’s going to turn out okay. I have a
feeling about it. Rick will come around. Once he gets to know
Ellen, he’ll understand what she needs.”

“If the prospect of his own death couldn’t
change him,” I said, “what makes you think he’ll suddenly turn over
a new leaf now?”

Jesse bowed his head, for he had no
answer.

The sound of a car rolling into the yard
caused us both to look up. Jesse slid his chair back and strode to
the window.

“It’s him,” he said. “It’s Rick.”

I dropped my fork and nearly knocked my
chair over as I stood and rushed to the door. “Is Ellen with
him?”

“I don’t know. I can’t tell.”

I pushed the door open and dashed out onto
the porch. The sun was shining and the light reflected blindingly
off the windshield of his car. Shading my eyes with a hand, I
hurried down the steps.

Both of the front car doors opened at once
and Rick got out of the driver’s seat. Over on the passenger side a
woman got out and gazed up at the house.

Manners failed me. I ran across the yard and
slapped my palms up against the back seat window where Ellen was
strapped into her safety seat, clutching her blue blanket, her face
beet red from crying.

Without saying hello to Rick or his fiancée,
I pulled the door open and sobbed with joy upon seeing Ellen again.
“My sweetheart! I’m so happy to see you!”

With frantic, trembling hands I unbuckled
her from the seat and lifted her into my arms.
Oh, God
… I
can’t possibly describe how good it felt to hold her, how my whole
body was flooded with an earth-shattering sense of relief and
dismay.

She wrapped her legs around my waist and
grabbed my neck in a choke hold. “Mummy!”

I wept tears of joy just to have her in my
arms, even for a single moment, and dropped to my knees to hold her
tight. I cupped the back of her sweet little head in my hand and
kissed her repeatedly on the cheek. “I love you so much.”

I have no idea what Rick and Christine were
doing. They were not even a blip on my radar. The only thing that
mattered was Ellen.

When I finally drew back to look at her
face, her eyes were bloodshot and her skin blotchy from the stress
of crying so hard. I glanced up at Christine, who looked concerned
as she stood over me.

I ignored her at first and continued to
soothe Ellen. When at last she calmed and her bawling was reduced
to frequent hiccups, my own breathing grew slower and I took a
moment to collect myself before rising to my feet.

“You must be Christine,” I coolly said.

She was not at all what I’d expected. I’d
imagined her to be tall and supermodel-gorgeous. The Christine of
my imagination wouldn’t be caught dead in anything but a short
skirt and high heels. She would have silky blonde hair that was
straightened twice daily by a professional-grade flat iron, and her
nails would be French manicured.

To the contrary, the woman before me was of
average height with shoulder-length brown hair and black
plastic-rimmed glasses. She had a freckled complexion and wore
kaki-colored capri pants with a slightly clashing yellow T-shirt
and white sneakers. She was every inch a science geek. Not at all
Rick’s usual type.

She held out her hand to shake mine. “Hi,
Nadia. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ellen still clutched my neck with a death
grip, so I awkwardly shifted her in my arms to shake Christine’s
hand. “Hi.”

Rick approached. “She’s certainly happy to
see
you
.”

I hugged her tight. “I’m happy to see her,
too.”

The sound of Jesse’s voice and his footsteps
across the gravel yard caused me to turn. “Did your flight get
delayed?” he asked Rick.

“No, it’s on time,” he replied. “We still
have a few hours.”

Jesse rested his hands on his jean-clad
hips. “Then what are you doing here?”

My gaze darted from one man to the other and
I prayed they wouldn’t choose this moment to resolve all their
differences by duking it out on the lawn.

“We’re here because it’s the right thing to
do,” Rick replied.

None of us said anything for a moment.

“I don’t understand,” I said.
Please
don’t toy with me. I won’t be able to take it.

“Can we come in?” Rick asked.

Without a word, Jesse gestured toward the
front porch.

We all climbed the steps and entered the
house. “Have a seat,” Jesse said.

But Christine remained standing. “What a
lovely home you have.” She crossed the living room to the fireplace
and examined the framed photographs on the mantle. “Is this your
twin sister?” She glanced at me as she picked up the photo.

“Yes, that’s Diana,” I replied.

Christine set it back down and regarded me
sheepishly before moving to the sofa to sit down beside Rick.

With Ellen still clinging to me like a baby
chimpanzee, I paced around the living room, bouncing at the knees,
hoping the movement would continue to calm her. I wanted her to
feel happy again. I wanted to see my baby smile.

“We’re here,” Christine said, “because we
think we made a mistake.” She laid a hand on Rick’s knee.

Jesse and I exchanged glances.

“What do you mean?” Jesse asked.

Rick cleared his throat. “Ellen cried the
whole night. Nothing we did made any difference. She was pretty
miserable.”

“It broke my heart,” Christine added. “I
didn’t know what to do. I don’t have any experience with kids and I
hadn’t thought it would be like that. We probably should have
brought her home to you last night, but I wanted to see if she
might settle down. She didn’t.”

“She didn’t sleep at all?” Jesse asked.

“Only a small bit,” Christine replied. “It
doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that she’s very
attached to you, Nadia, and I think she understood that she wasn’t
going to see you again any time soon.”

I hugged Ellen tightly. “I’m attached to
her, too.”

Christine nudged Rick, as if urging him to
contribute something.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I honestly had no
idea it would be like that. I wish I could take it all back.”

“Take
what
back?” I asked, shooting
him a look.

“The court case,” he replied. “Our
conversation yesterday. I’ve been a jerk and I should have known it
wouldn’t be as simple as I thought it would be.”

“What are you saying?” Jesse asked.

“I’m saying that I was wrong to take her.
She belongs here. It’s where she wants to be, and after about six
hours of constant crying for ‘Mummy’ through the night, I knew she
wasn’t going to just forget you.” He was looking at me when he
spoke the words and I almost dissolved into a puddle of relief. “If
we take her back to California with us today,” he continued, “it’ll
probably scar her for life. And us, too.”

Jesse rose from his chair, rushed toward me
and Ellen and gathered us both into his arms. We held each other
and wept.

“Are you going to leave her here then?”
Jesse asked shakily, wiping the tears from his eyes as he turned to
face his brother.

Rick nodded. “We talked it over this morning
and we think it would best to give you back custody if you want it.
But we’d like visitation rights a few times a year and I want her
to know I’m her father. If we can reach an agreement, it should
move through the system fairly quickly.”

I nodded my head. “That would be wonderful.
We’d love to have you visit—or if you’d like us to bring Ellen to
visit you in Sacramento that would be okay, too. And I’ll need to
call Diana to arrange everything.”

“Of course,” Rick said. “We’ll let the
lawyers work it out.”

I met Rick’s gaze and held it. “Thank you
for bringing her back.”

He nodded at me. Then he and Christine stood
up.

“We should be going,” she said. “We have a
plane to catch.” They moved around the coffee table and approached
me. “Bye-bye, Ellen,” Christine said in a cheerful voice as she
rubbed Ellen’s back. “We’ll come back and visit you again, but
we’ll take it slower next time.” As she moved toward the door,
Christine addressed me privately. “Maybe the four of us could spend
some time together until she feels more comfortable with us.”

“I’d like that,” I said. “And so would
Ellen.”

I glanced over my shoulder at Jesse who was
following me out. He rolled his eyes, but there was some humor in
them.

Outside, the morning sun was warm on my face
as we escorted Christine and Rick to their car. By now Ellen was
feeling better and was willing to let Rick shake her hand.

“Bye-bye, kiddo,” he said. “Hope to see you
soon.” He turned to Jesse. “Thanks for taking care of her. It helps
to know she’s in good hands.”

Jesse nodded and they regarded each other
steadily for a long moment.

“And I’m sorry about a lot of other things…”
Rick added, looking down at his shoes. “You’re a good man, Jesse.
The best I know.”

He turned quickly and got into the car.

Jesse slid his hands into his pockets. When
Rick started the engine, Jesse stepped forward and rapped a knuckle
on the window. Rick pressed the button to lower it.

“Do you know the best way to get out of
here?” Jesse asked. “It’s quickest if you head back into town, then
get onto Newton Street. Left on High Street, right on Cherry, then
right again on Washington. That’ll get you to the turnpike
ramp.”

“Thanks,” Rick said. He turned to Christine.
“Did you get that?”

She smiled. “Yeah, I got it.”

Jesse bent forward to speak to Rick in the
driver’s seat. “And be sure to give us a call when you get home so
we know you arrived safely. Here’s my number.” He reached into his
back pocket for his wallet and pulled out his card. “That has my
cell number and a number where you can reach me at work. Feel free
to call. Anytime. I mean that, Rick.”

“Thank you.” Rick handed the card to
Christine. “You already have mine?”

“Yeah.” Jesse gently tapped the roof of the
car with his open hand, then took a few steps back to give Rick
space to turn the car around. They both waved as they drove
off.

Jesse and I stood in silence staring after
the car. I think we were both in shock.

“Did that really just happen?” I asked,
glancing up at him.

“I think so,” he said, holding out his arms
to Ellen. “Unless we’re dreaming right now.”

I passed Ellen across to him and she
clutched him around the neck, wrapped her legs around his waist. A
lump formed in my throat as I watched him close his eyes and hug
her tenderly. “Thank God,” he whispered.

He put his arm around me and together we
turned and walked back into the house.