The Color of Heaven (19 page)

was expressing a strange mixture of emotion – something I had never experienced before – a simultaneous mingling of rapture and sorrow.

On one hand, I was afraid for the future. On the other, I was euphoric. I loved Matt with every fiber of my being, and I knew that he loved me, too. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever known.

A short while later, I returned to bed and watched him go into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him.

I lay quietly, listening to the shower.

o0o

Sometime before dawn, Matt rol ed on top of me and kissed my neck.

“I love you,” he whispered, and I immediately wrapped my legs around his hips and pul ed him tight against me.

I could feel his arousal through the thin fabric of my nightgown, which was now bunched around my hips.

Again, he stopped and pressed his forehead to mine, shut his eyes and shook his head. “This is difficult.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” I replied. “Let me ask you this… If I wasn’t a virgin – if Peter and I had made love – would you make love to me now?”

“Yes.”

I sucked in a breath. “Then please… It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, or haven’t done, in the past. I want you to be the one, no matter what happens.

I know the risks. Please, don’t deny me this. If you do, I’l never forgive you. I’l regret it for the rest of my life.”

“Me, too.”

While he spoke the words, his hand was already sliding up my thigh, pushing my nightgown out of the way.

Quickly, before he changed his mind, I shoved his pajama pants down over his hips and thrust my pelvis forward.

It was al very natural and easy after that. There was some pain, of course, but I welcomed it. I was so happy that night, I can’t possibly express it. He made love to me slowly and gently and it was the most amazing experience of my life. It was everything I imagined it would be.

I loved him so much.

I wil never regret it.

Matt and I stayed in his Chicago apartment for three days before the date of his surgery.

I won’t describe those days, except to say that we enjoyed each other immensely and made the most of every moment. We laughed and cried,

watched television and played cards. We went out to eat and ordered in.

He showed me the box of manuscripts he had hidden away in his closet. I read his short stories and the novel he had final y finished. I made him

promise to submit it to a publisher when he recovered, because I was quite certain it was the greatest novel of al time, though I admit that I may

have been biased. Everything about Matt was perfect in my eyes. To me, he was a work of art, but I suppose that’s how love feels.

I cal ed my parents as wel , and told them everything.

Wel , almost everything. There are certain things you just don’t share with your mother.

I let them know that Matt would have the tumor removed on November 17 at 6pm.

My mother then told me that Peter had come to the house to ask about me. He was very angry. They couldn’t blame him, and they did their best to

talk him through his pain.

I apologized to my parents, but told them it could be no other way, because Matt was the one I loved.

In the end, they wished me wel and promised to pray for him.

o0o

On Sunday night, Matt was admitted to the hospital so they could run tests and prepare him for the surgery, which would last approximately six

hours.

On Monday morning, a nurse shaved his head. He couldn’t eat or drink al day, and he had to have X-rays and blood work.

Gordon arrived around noon and told us he would stay in Chicago as long as we needed him while Matt recovered.

Their father cal ed shortly after Gordon arrived and spoke to Matt for a few minutes. He wished him luck and promised to visit him the next day.

Privately, I thought of their mother and wished she were alive to be here with us at Matt’s bedside, but she had been gone a long time.

Matt mentioned her when he hung up the phone. He looked at Gordon and said, “I real y miss Mom.”

Gordon nodded and said, “I’m sure she’s here.”

We al sat very quietly.

o0o

Later, I flipped through the pages of a magazine while the nurses puttered about. It was al an act of course – the way I sat so casual y. I had no

interest in the magazine. My brain was on high alert, listening to everything, watching everything. My heart was burning with terror and dread. I

couldn’t eat or drink either.

Why was this happening? I wondered bitterly. Al I wanted was for Matt to be healthy, to come out of the surgery with a positive prognosis. I wanted

to spend the rest of my life with him. I would have sacrificed everything – my family, my education – in exchange for the success of that operation.

It was not up to me, however.

I knew it, even then.

Fate had its own designs, and part of that design was about to knock me flat on my back. An hour before Matt was scheduled for the OR, the most

unexpected thing happened.

I look back on it now with gratitude. At the time, however, I was concerned.

Sensing that Gordon needed some time alone with Matt, I rose from my chair and offered to get us each a cup of coffee.

A moment later, purse in hand, I went to the elevator and pressed the button. As the doors slid open in front of me, I took a step back, for I found

myself staring into the eyes of the man I had just jilted.

Peter frowned at me. I suppose he was shocked to find me standing there, as if I’d known he was coming.

What was he doing here? I wondered. Had he come to talk me out of ending our relationship? To win me back?

Or had he come to confront Matt about stealing me away?

Rage pounded through me. I had only one hour left with Matt before he would be taken to the OR, and I wasn’t about to let Peter take that precious

time away. Whatever he wanted, it would have to wait.

The doors started to close, and we both realized that neither of us had moved or spoken. Quickly, he hopped off and shoved his hands into his

jacket pockets, glancing over his shoulder with a mild look of irritation.

“Peter, if you’ve come here to fight with me or chal enge Matt, now’s not the time,” I said. “They’re taking him to surgery in an hour.”

“I know.” He looked down at the floor and shook his head. “That’s not why I’m here.”

My anger subsided as I watched him shift his weight uneasily from one foot to the other.

“Then why are you here?” I asked.

His eyes lifted, and I realized that what I had first perceived as anger was something else entirely. It was concern.

“I thought you could use a friend today,” he said.

The whole world disappeared for a moment, then I could do nothing but step into his arms and hold him close.

o0o

“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” Peter said, as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “But I’d like to see Matt if that’s okay. It’s been a long time.”

“Of course,” I replied. “He’s just down the hal .” Al thoughts of coffee left my mind as we walked together to Matt’s room. “Don’t be too surprised

when you see him. He’s lost a bit of weight and the nurses shaved his head this morning. He won’t look like the Matt you remember.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to wish him luck.” We stopped outside the door and Peter turned to me. “Maybe later you and I can talk about some

things.”

“Of course.”

I knocked on Matt’s open door and entered, then gestured toward Peter, who walked in behind me. “Look who’s here,” I said, laboring to sound

cheerful.

Matt took one look at Peter, and his eyes glistened with wetness. He struggled to sit up. “My God. Look at you. Come on in.”

Peter approached the bed and bent forward to hug Matt. I had to fight against another powerful onslaught of tears.

“You’re not here to punch my lights out I hope,” Matt joked. “It wouldn’t be too difficult, under the circumstances.”

We al laughed awkwardly. It wasn’t an easy situation.

“No, I came to wish you luck. It’s going to be a long surgery, I hear.”

Matt fil ed the awkward silence with an explanation about how they were going to dril into his skul , remove the tumor, and put everything back

together afterward. He described some of the risks , then asked about Pete’s family, and how work was going at the pulp and paper plant.

When another strained lul in the conversation arose, Matt looked at me. “Cora, would you give Peter and me a minute? I need to say a few things.”

“Of course.” But I couldn’t seem to move my feet.

Gordon was at my side instantly. “We’l go get that coffee now,” he said, as he led me out of the room.

We didn’t leave the floor, however. I, for one, wasn’t about to spend ten minutes lined up in the cafeteria. Gordon felt the same. Al we did was strol up and down the wide corridor, waiting for a reasonable amount of time to pass before we could return.

I wondered what Matt was saying to Peter, and suspected he was apologizing for stealing me away, and for deserting us in high school when he

became friends with Doug Jones.

I had not forgotten the list of regrets Matt had told me about the first time he came to see me at Wel esley, and was quite sure he was ticking this

one off, too.

He was making things right.

o0o

Peter left Matt’s room a few minutes later and found us by the nurses’ station. “Thank you,” he said, “for letting me see him. I’d like to stick around if you don’t mind. I’m going to grab some coffee now, but I’l find you in the waiting room later. He told me what floor he’d be on for the surgery. I’l sit with you, if you like?”

I touched his arm. “That would be nice.”

I watched Peter get on the elevator, then hurried back to Matt’s room.

Gordon didn’t fol ow.

A nurse was taking Matt’s blood pressure when I entered the room, so I waited quietly at his bedside, holding his hand.

He looked at me with playful, sexy eyes, and we shared a private chuckle at the strangeness of al this. We were young, passionate lovers, but here

we were, mucking our way through blood work, brain seizures, and the terrifying notion of dying early in life during a complicated and dangerous

surgery, now only minutes away.

As soon as the nurse left the room, I lowered the bedrail and climbed onto the mattress next to him. He put his arm around me. I laid my head on his

shoulder.

“It’s going to be fine,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

I touched his lips with the pad of my finger and said, “Of course it wil , and I’m going to be right here when you wake up.”

Leaning up on an elbow, he pressed his lips to mine and reminded me of how virile he was, despite these unthinkable circumstances. If not for the

fact that a nurse could walk in at any moment, we would have made love, for we were both aroused. We understood the meaning of self-restraint,

however, and laughed about the inconvenient IV line that was blocking our intentions, and the constant noise outside the door.

Eventual y we gave up on the possibility of messing around like a couple of teenagers, and simply held each other.

“I’m glad you came to find me,” I told him. “These past few weeks have been the happiest of my life.” I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at

him. “And al those years together in Camden… We were just kids, but it always felt like more. Now you’re here with me again, and I don’t ever want

to be apart.”

“We won’t be. You’ve given me something to fight for, Cora. I want to be with you, so I’m going to make it through this, and tomorrow we’l start

making plans.”

I managed a pained smile and fought hard to believe him. I just had to. The alternative was unthinkable.

“I love you,” he whispered, as he kissed my forehead and held me close. “I’ve said it before, but I need to say it again. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I want to marry you, Cora. I hope you’ll say yes
.”

My eyes fil ed with tears. “Of course I wil . I’m saying it right now.
Yes
.”

Just then, three nurses marched into the room. One of them started clapping her hands. “Al right you two love birds. Break it up. This isn’t a hotel room.”

I laughed as I wiped a tear from my face, slid off the bed and rose to my feet.

“It’s time to go now,” another said. “We’re going to wheel you to surgery and take very good care of you. I promise you that.”

She met my gaze directly. “You can fol ow us and keep holding his hand until we reach the OR doors. Then you’l have to wait outside.”

I took hold of Matt’s hand and squeezed it. “I’l be there the whole time.”

o0o

Peter was sitting outside the OR in the waiting area, blowing on his hot coffee. I paused a moment to watch him – he hadn’t noticed me yet – and

wondered what I had done to deserve such kindness from him.

In my own mind, I had always denied him what he wanted most – my complete and utter devotion. Even my virginity I had given to Matt without

hesitation after barely more than a week, and I wondered if Peter somehow knew it. Could he sense it, or see it in my eyes?

He looked up at that moment and smiled at me, and al my fears faded away. No, he didn’t know how far Matt and I had gone. He was completely

unaware.

“How are you doing?” he asked, when I sat down next to him.

“As wel as can be expected.” I checked my watch and counted forward six hours. “But I think it’s going to be a very long night.”

I was surprised when he touched my hand. “Yeah, but you’l get through it, Cora. He’s going to be fine. You’l see.”

I hoped so. I real y hoped so.

Peter, Gordon and I sat together in silence for a long time. Peter read the newspaper while I tried to read a magazine, but eventual y I tossed it

aside because I couldn’t concentrate on the pictures or words. Al I could do was stare at the wal and wrestle with my fears, or think back on al the special moments Matt and I had spent together.