The Color of Us (College Bound Book 2) (22 page)

“No.” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see it. “I don’t want to be official. I’m not looking for a commitment. I mean I think it’s time we both move on. You should date other girls, and I need to spend time at home.”

“Right.” Bitterness echoed through the speaker of the phone.

“Come on, Asher. Don’t be pissed. I’m trying to do the right thing. I’m busy with my family. Are you telling me you’re happy to just wait around the entire summer just to kiss me again?”

He huffed. “I’ve done nothing but wait for you for two years.”

Oh God. Julie was right.

“It wasn’t like that. You knew it wasn’t like that. No commitment. Remember? It was never about falling in love or getting attached.”

His silence was deafening. Finally he said, “Yeah. Well, too late.”

“What?” That one word fell out of my mouth in disbelief.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. So that’s it? We’re done? This… whatever it was… is over?”

My heart was beating so hard in my chest I could feel the echo of it in my throat. “Yes,” I managed to say.

“Great,” he said through gritted teeth. “Guess I’ll give Jenna a call. Have a nice summer, Lex.”

The sound of the dial tone filled my ears, and it took me a minute to hang up the phone.

Every man in my life was hurting, and I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t save Dad, I couldn’t love Asher, and I couldn’t have Liam.

Help me figure this out, Sam. Because the one hurting the most is… me.

LIAM

The thin sundress she was wearing barely covered her at all. I stepped forward, pressing her back against the wall, and her eyes met mine as she looked up at me through her eyelashes—shy and innocent.

It always started out this way.

Her hair spilled over her shoulders, and I reached up to gather it all in my hand, twisting it around my fist until I was holding it so tightly it forced her face to tilt up to mine. She made a strangled sound in the back of her throat, and that was my invitation to kiss her. Her lips opened, and my tongue pushed inside, tasting. Possessing. She made me want to possess her. She made me feel possessed.

With her hair clenched in my first, my other hand grazed the top of her thigh, sneaking under the bottom of her dress until my fingers found her panties. She sighed when I pulled the fabric to the side and slid my fingers between the lace and her skin. I traced along the forbidden edges until I found the slick warmth I craved. She was squirming under my touch, and I tore my mouth away from hers, grinning.

“Do you want this?” I growled into her neck.

She nodded and reached up to hold on to my shoulders as she hooked a leg around my waist. Jesus. I loved it when she did that. It made me want to fuck her until she forgot the days of the week. Until she forgot her own name.

I moved the flimsy lace of her panties out of the way and pushed my fingers deep inside as her hips rocked forward to meet each plunge of my hand. I gave her quick, shallow thrusts, but she pulled me closer and pushed her hips harder into me like she needed more. I pressed my thumb against the silky-smooth skin, right where she liked it most, moving in tight circles until she moaned.

“You like that, don’t you?” Instead of letting her answer, I pulled her knot of hair back, forcing her neck into an arch so I could kiss every inch of her throat from her collarbone to her lips. Her hands moved into my hair, gripping tightly. She held on as her hips rolled and bucked, fucking my fingers recklessly.

“I want you inside me. Now,” she demanded. She let go of my hair and reached down to unbutton my jeans, trying to push the fabric over my ass.

I pulled my fingers out of her and gripped her waist, spinning her around until her front was pressed up against the wall. I still had a tight grip on her hair and I used it to turn her face back to me just enough that I could kiss her. My hips were grinding against hers as I claimed her mouth.

“This what you want?” I growled against her lips, rubbing myself along her ass, letting her feel how much I wanted it too.

“Yes,” she whispered back.

I yanked the back of her dress up and twisted my fingers into the thin straps of her panties. I pulled them down just enough, and then my boxers were the next to drop. I kicked her feet wider with mine and when she lifted her hips back into me, I only took a second to center up before I plunged deep inside.

“Liam,” she moaned.

I reached around her waist until my fingers found where we were joined, and I pulled my hips back only long enough to thrust back into her. She arched her back, wiggling her hips against me, begging for more. I was still gripping her hair at the base of her neck like it was some sort of collar. And that thought had me totally losing control. I pounded into her, my rhythm frantic, the slick slide of her skin against mine addictive.

“You’re mine. Tell me you’re mine,” I demanded. I needed to hear her say it. I needed to know she felt the same wild hunger I did.

“I’m yours,” she said. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Even though that’s exactly what I was waiting to hear, I said, “I’m nothing but trouble.”

***

I shot into a sitting position on my bed and rubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand, wishing I could rub that dream into reality. Or rather, rub it out of existence. Every night was like torture thanks to those fucking dreams. Once again I’d have to settle for a good ole rub and tug in the shower.

The hardest thing about the Army? It wasn’t basic training. Even the time spent in Special Forces training, while grueling physically and mentally, wasn’t the worst. Both of those were easy compared to what I did before I enlisted. Walking away from Lex had been damn near impossible, and every day since then I’d questioned my rationale.

I knew with every cell in my body that I was a better man now. The Army taught me more than I could have hoped for. I could speak and read Arabic, I was trained to fire anything equipped with a trigger, and I could hit a target with pinpoint accuracy while chaos surrounded me. Enlisting had been the right decision for me, but sometimes I worried if it was the wrong decision for
us
.

When I left, I knew that Alexis would be dealing with her dad’s illness alone. I wanted so badly to make myself worthy of her that I willingly abandoned her. Even knowing how much she was suffering, I walked away, telling myself that I would come back to her a better version of myself.

Now her dad was in hospice care and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it home in time to be there for her. That realization gutted me. What good was I if I couldn’t be there where she needed me most?

I was ready to go home to my girl. But even if I got there in time, was she still my girl?

I laced my fingers behind my neck and tilted my head from side to side, feeling the worry crack beneath my fingers.

I believed that Alexis loved me and that her heart belonged to me, no matter how afraid she was to admit that. I believed that when she saw the man I’d become, she’d understand that there was nothing wrong with the way we felt toward each other. I believed we were meant to be together.

But two years was a long fucking time to be away from her, and Alexis was a beautiful girl with a kind heart and enough smarts to launch a fucking rocket ship. It would be a damn miracle if someone else hadn’t wormed their way into her heart while I was off remolding myself.

The truth was, I had no idea what Alexis’s life at college had been like since I left. The only thing I knew for sure was that two fucking years of sex fantasies about her were the most action I’d gotten since she ran out of my house. Sure there were plenty of opportunities to meet local chicks who had a preference for the hard-core Special Forces guys. I ignored every one of them. Before Alexis, I’d been with a lot of girls. But I didn’t need just any girl anymore. I needed the one that was my other half. I needed Lex. My angel.

I stood up, and when I turned, I saw part of the ink on my back reflected in the mirror hanging over my dresser. The tattoo was my homage to Alexis and how loving her made me realize there was good in me too. Now I was trained to protect and save lives, not destroy them. My life could actually make a difference to others. None of that would have happened without her.

I glanced at the clock to see that I only had half an hour before our wake-up call. There was no use going back to sleep. I quickly made my bed, making sure every wrinkle was gone and every corner was tucked. I powered on my laptop that sat on my side table and checked my e-mail. Seeing my mother’s name made my heart pound uncomfortably in my chest.

Mom had been my eyes and ears for the past two years, keeping me up-to-date on Mr. Sinclair’s condition. Some of the money I sent home was for her, but some of it was for flowers and packages. Mom made sure that Alexis had support even if my girl didn’t know it was coming from me.

I hoped the random rainbows made Alexis think of Sam, and selfishly I wondered if they ever made her think of me.

I read through the e-mail.

You get to come home, right? For two weeks? It’s hard to believe that poor girl will be burying her father when she’s already lost so much. You’re coming home just when she needs you the most.

Of course mom didn’t know the exact date Mr. Sinclair would pass, but she knew it would be any day now. Graduation wasn’t far off, and I’d already spoken to my commander to see if I could get some time off afterward. Barring any unforeseen emergencies, I would be able to take a two-week leave before deployment in August. I’d needed a special waiver to graduate early since I wasn’t twenty-one yet, but my commander was impressed with my training and told me I deserved the leave. What I wanted to find out was if I had finally become the man who deserved Alexis.

I closed the laptop and bent over until my elbows rested on my knees.

The time of truth was coming. Lex needed me. We needed each other. I had to make her see that. And I only had two weeks to convince her to give us another chance.

I never thought I would fall sleep. How could I when my father was dying? The hospice nurse had warned us that all the signs were there, that it would happen soon. It was both comforting and a little scary that he would die here at home with no beeping machines going silent or scurrying nurses to mark the moment. One moment his heart would be beating, the next it wouldn’t. It was personal this way. And heartbreaking.

My mom and I had kept vigil at his side, being sure to tell him all our favorite memories and how much we loved him. No matter what we said, though, he didn’t respond. Or couldn’t. We weren’t sure if he could hear us. It looked like he was sleeping.

When Mom asked for a minute of privacy, I staggered into the kitchen, relieved to have a chance to let my guard down. My exhaustion felt bone deep. I had been so determined to stay strong in front of my parents that I hadn’t let myself cry. Not once. Now the pressure in my head was pounding with the strength of every unshed tear. I collapsed at the kitchen table and laid my head on top of my folded arms. I would close my eyes for just one minute.

“Alexis!” My mom shouted.

I lifted my head off my arms, my spine suddenly stiff, my brain on high alert. Neither of us had spoken above a soft whisper in two weeks, and the sound of terror in her voice shocked me awake. My body jolted, and I jumped up, glancing at the clock on the stove. I’d only been gone from his side for ten minutes.

“Mom?” I called as I ran to their room.

She sat next to Dad, holding his hand, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He’s gone. I was saying a prayer, and I looked up, and he had stopped breathing. He’s… g-g-g-gone.” She collapsed over his chest and wept.

I walked to the other side of my dad’s bed and held his hand in mine. “Good-bye, Daddy. Sam’s waiting for you. Watch over us.” I pressed the back of his hand to my cheek, keeping us skin to skin. “I will never stop loving you. Everything I do for the rest of my life, you will be there with me. Know that.”

Take care of him, Sam.

Kissing his palm, I gently placed his hand on the bed and went to my mom. I draped my body over her bent one and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m here, Mom. You’re not alone.”

She turned away from my dad and pulled me into her embrace. We held each other, rocking back and forth, for a long time. When her sobs had slowed, she pulled back. “I love you, Alexis.” She ran her hand down my hair in a soothing motion. “You aren’t alone either. I will always be here for you. I promise.”

I nodded, but I didn’t agree. Mom and I knew all too well that there were no guarantees for us. Accidents happened. Illnesses happened. The people we adored died. All we could do was embrace the time we had with those we loved.

At that moment the depth of love I still felt for Liam hit me hard. I could fill my time, and I could follow my mom’s wishes, but as the hole in my heart continued to ache, I knew I could never pretend that I didn’t miss and love Liam.

Mom stood up and wiped under her eyes. “I need to call the funeral home to… to come get him.” She took a deep shuddering breath. That’s what we had been told to do when the time came, but hearing her say the words made it too real. He was still here. He was still ours. I wasn’t ready to let him go. “And then I guess I’ll call family.” She blinked away another round of tears.

I nodded again. Words failed me. If there was any chance I thought he would answer, there was only one person I would be calling right now.

But he had never answered before, and I didn’t think my heart could take it if he didn’t answer tonight. So I stood to help my mom arrange for my father’s funeral. And I wondered, for the thousandth time, when anything would ever be okay again.

***

“What’s that?” Mom lifted one hand off the steering wheel and pointed to a white box by our front door.

She parked the car in the driveway, and I hopped out to inspect. The box was actually a Styrofoam cooler. I pulled the tape off and lifted the lid. “It’s a bunch of food. A lasagna, a quiche, breakfast bread, Italian bread, salad, and a container of soup.”

Mom knelt down and read the shipping label. “Gourmet-To-Go.” She peeked inside the box. “No card?”

I shook my head. “This is enough food to feed us for a few days. I wonder who sent it?”

“Gourmet-To-Go is the newest food delivery place in town. It’s also pricey. I can’t imagine someone not wanting to take credit for a gift like this.” She lifted the box into her arms, and I unlocked our front door.

Regardless of our donor’s anonymity, I was grateful. Mom and I had spent all day at the funeral home and church. We finalized the casket, flowers, readings, and songs that Dad had chosen in preparation for this time. Knowing what his wishes were allowed us to move through the day robotically. We didn’t have extended family in town, and the ones who were traveling in would arrive tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to worry about right now was making dinner. The box was exactly what we needed.

I lifted the lid off the tomato basil soup and ladled it into two bowls. Tomato basil was my favorite. I slid the bowls into the microwave and cut off two hunks from the bread for dipping.

Propping my hip against the counter, I watched the time decrease on the microwave clock. Tomorrow would be difficult. Some people thought the day of the funeral was the hardest, as it was the final good-bye, but I had already said good-bye to my dad. We had our private time, and I had told him everything I wanted to say before he passed. I had an immense sense of peace from that.

The viewing was another story. Just like we had for Sam’s funeral, we would welcome guests at the funeral home the day before the church ceremony. For hours they would line up to kiss and hug us, tell us how sorry they were, and then pay their respects to my dad as he lay in his casket.

My stomach dropped, and my palms became clammy at the thought. The small talk, the hugging, the forced smiles, the need to comfort others when all I wanted was to be left the hell alone… I didn’t want to do it.

But it was my duty, and I would perform as expected. That’s what Alexis did.

To say I was walking on eggshells around my mom would be a gross understatement. She hadn’t been upset with me once since I came home from school, and I wanted to keep it that way. I worried a slight breeze would topple her, and I needed to protect her. There wasn’t anything I could do about losing my sister or dad, but I could at least take care of my mom.

The microwave beeped, and I jumped at the sound. I blew out a breath and grabbed the bowls of steaming soup. I set the kitchen table with napkins, spoons, salt and pepper, and glasses of water. I placed our bread on plates and waited for my mom.

After a few minutes I went to her room. Her door was open, and I found her lying on the bed, clutching my dad’s pillow to her chest. Her face was wet with tears, but she was asleep
. Finally.
She hadn’t slept since Dad died, and I was relieved that she could rest before tomorrow. I closed her bedroom door and went back into the kitchen.

After wrapping up her soup and bread, I sat down and ate.

Alone.

The solitude crushed me. I would never have a father again. I would never have a sister again. I would never have Liam again. My throat tightened, and my eyes burned.

But I wouldn’t cry. If I started, would I ever stop?

So I ate my soup, hoping the warmth would fill my stomach, but fearing nothing but emptiness would ever fill my heart again.

***

My feet ached. I shifted my position. Why had I worn high heels? I knew I would be standing all night. We were only halfway through the viewing, and the line of people waiting to pay their respects crawled down the stairs of the funeral home and, I was told, out the front door.

The next few hours were like an episode of
This Is Your Life
. I greeted my fifth-grade teacher. My Girl Scout leader. My youth group coordinator hugged me so tightly my feet lifted off the ground. I attempted to ignore the rocking bad breath my next door neighbor was sporting as he went on and on about my dad’s ability to take care of our rose bushes. Then I got pissed off.

You better remember him for something more important than that, jerk.

But then I softened when he hugged my mom with trembling hands.

Just remember him, okay?

My parents’ friends, my dad’s college roommates, his coworkers, friends from the country club… everyone he had ever met came to say how sorry they were for our loss. They expressed their sorrow that he was taken too soon. They lamented about how horrible it was that we lost two members of our family so close together. They wondered how we would survive. They smiled uncomfortably and commented that at least we had each other.

I wanted them all to go away.

Someone offered us bottles of water, and I drank with my eyes closed, the cool drink soothing my dry throat. When I opened my eyes, Melissa stood before me with Talia, MaryAnn, and both Thing One and Thing Two.

Anger rose up in me, a storm building in strength with every passing second. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her manipulative cruelty. Especially today.
Hadn’t I suffered enough?

Her chin trembled, and her eyes were glassy as she fidgeted in front of me. “Alexis, I know the last time we saw each other, we left on bad terms. I wanted—” She licked her lips, and her eyes darted nervously around before settling back on me. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. You were hurting that summer, and I was…” She paused.

“Horrible,” I offered.

She nodded. “I wasn’t very understanding. And now you’ve lost your dad. I can’t imagine. Can you forgive me?”

My chin trembled. My jaw was tight from clenching to hold back sobs, but I managed to squeak out, “Yes. Of course. I’m sorry too. For hitting you.”

It wasn’t eloquent, but I was too exhausted to continue holding a grudge against her. I let her give me a hug, and then I greeted the rest of our friends who all wore uncomfortable expressions but offered heartfelt sympathy.

Eventually the line brought me a few friendly faces from college. Taren, Alec, Julie, and several of my sorority sisters, including my big sister, Tiffany. They all hugged and kissed me.

“We’re going to wait for you over there.” Julie motioned to an area with couches and chairs where family and close friends gathered.

“Thank you. I think I can take a break soon,” I told Taren as she squeezed my hand and then moved on to my mom.

I was shocked but truly honored to see Asher and Pickles too. They were gruff and awkward, but they came to pay their respects, and that meant a lot to me. Especially after how things had ended between Asher and me.

I knew Stacy couldn’t come to the viewing. Her family was on vacation when my dad passed, but she had called me on the phone and assured me she would be over to see me soon. I wished she could have come. I really needed one of her hugs.

People from all stages of my life came through the line. Some had been my enemies, some had been my role models, but all of them were here for my family and me. I stood next to my mom near my father’s casket, and I accepted their love and support with as much dignity as I could muster.

As I looked around the room, the sense of loneliness once again overtook me. Even surrounded by people, I felt lost. Abandoned. My pulse raced, and sweat ran down my back. And then despair hit me square in the chest, and I could hardly breathe. What if I lost my mom too? I would have no one who knew all of me. No one who loved me unconditionally. My body shook, the kind of trembling that was evident to onlookers.

My mom leaned over. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?” Her face was pale and pinched.
Dammit.
I couldn’t add to her stress.

I shook my head. “I’m f-f-fine.” My teeth chattered together as I forced the words out.

I could hear murmurs from the visitors still in line and could only imagine how pathetic I must look. I smoothed my sweaty hands down the waist of my black sheath dress, watching as they shook uncontrollably.

I dragged in a breath, hoping I wouldn’t pass out or vomit.

“Fuck this.” The voice was strong and gravelly. The sound caused my heart to skip a beat and then race.

I looked up and saw a soldier move out of line. He was dressed in a fancy uniform with brass buttons and pins decorating it. On his head he wore a beret. He stood in front of me but not too close. His hands were balled into fists, his lips flat, and eyes tight.

Oh my God. It was Liam.

The sound I choked out was guttural. It was pain and sadness and joy and need. Need unlike any I had ever known for another person. I didn’t stop to think what my mom or my friends or my pastor would think. I left the receiving line and walked over to him, stopping so close I could feel his breath on my skin.

“Liam,” I whispered his name, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I needed him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face against his chest as I breathed him in. “You’re here.”

“I got you. It’s okay. I got you,” he whispered into my ear. His strong arms enveloped me protectively, and I melted into the safety of his hug.

He was home.