The Color of Us (College Bound Book 2) (18 page)

Stacy wore every color possible.

Now you’re sending rainbows in human form, Sam? Like I could ever forget you.

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I hoped Stacy’s personality was as colorful as her style. “Hi, Stacy.” I offered her my hand. “My name is Alexis. It’s nice to meet you.”

Stacy stood up and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I stiffened at first but then relaxed and hugged her back. Why the hell not? It wasn’t every day I got a hug from a living rainbow.

“You too.” Stacy released me from her hug and sat back down on the couch. “So… what is wrong with you?”

Umm?
I looked down at my blue jeans and brown booties and then higher at my brown sweater. Okay, I was dressed a bit boring, but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. I sat down next to Stacy, angling my body so I faced her. “What do you mean?”

Stacy frowned and pointed to my face. “You are sad.”

My face flushed.
How the hell?
“Oh, no. I’m fine. Happy to be here. I’m excited to meet you.”

Stacy crossed her arms over her chest. “Cut the crap. What’s up, Lex?” There was a slight slur to her words, but I could still understand her just fine.

“How did you know I go by Lex?” I pointed to my nametag. “It says Alexis here.”

“I guessed.” Stacy pushed her blue frames up higher on her nose. “Now tell me the truth. I’m here to help.”

The hell?
I thought I was here for her. Had someone told her otherwise? I shook my head and sat up straighter. “I… I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t know if you’d understand.”

Stacy rolled her eyes. “Really? Try me.”

Did she roll her eyes at me?
I wiped my hands on my jeans. I was starting to sweat. I wasn’t used to anyone but my mom digging around in my problems. “No, I mean, my life is complicated and heavy.”

Stacy nodded. “Heavy? I know about heavy stuff.”

Bingo.
I could help here. I needed to get her talking. “You’ve got heavy problems too?”

Stacy nodded.

“Come on,” I said, smiling. “Lay it on me.” I was good at listening.

Stacy sat back on the couch with a sigh. “Well, I’m in love with Terence. You see him? Right over there.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder.

I looked over to see Terence, a tall, thin man with dark skin. He was snuggled up with a portly blond woman. They were in a lip-locked embrace.
Uh oh.

Stacy groaned. “He loves Jane. She is a slut.”

I giggled and then covered my mouth. “I’m sorry. That’s not funny. But maybe you shouldn’t—”

She cut me off abruptly. “So, I love him. He loves her. And my dad says I can’t date anyone anyway.” She rolled her eyes again. “Then there’s my sister. She is getting married and told me to stop eating so much so I can fit in my dress.” She looked at me, eyebrows raised in challenge.

“Oh, wow.” I relaxed into the couch. I liked Stacy McGee. “Okay, you do know heavy.”

Stacy smiled. “Yup. So what is your heavy?”

I paused. I had this strange feeling that I could tell Stacy anything and she wouldn’t judge me. There would be no false pity. There would be no canned response, only honesty. She wanted to know and, well, I needed to talk. I’d needed to talk for a long time.

I took a deep breath.

And then I gave her my heavy.

“Well, I met this amazing boy, and I started dating him. Then I found out that it was his brother who killed my sister in a car crash.” I stumbled over the last few words but took a deep breath and continued. “I was so upset that he never told me who he was that I broke up with him. I hurt him, and then he left to join the Army. I haven’t heard from him in over a year, and I’m scared to death that something might have happened to him.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, steeling myself for my next admission. “My dad has cancer, and he’s not going to get better. My parents don’t want me to be involved with my ex, and I’m worried if I was, I would upset my dad. So I’m not. Involved with him that is. But I still care about and worry about him—all the time. My roommate convinced me to join a sorority last year, but I spend most of my time studying instead of going to parties, so I know everyone thinks I’m weird and a total loser. But at least now I have sisters, sort of, and that part feels good. Our service project is to volunteer with Good Buddies, so now here I am yammering your ear off… and…” I dragged in a breath and pressed my hands to my hot cheeks.

Holy hell.
I just word vomited all over this girl. “I’m so sorry I totally dumped all that on you.”

Her wide eyes became even wider as she stared at me. “Whoa. That is heavy shit.” She stood up and grabbed her fuchsia purse. “Want to grab a Coke and some cheese fries?”

Cheese fries?
I said all that, and she wanted a snack? I stood up but placed my hand on her forearm. “I thought you were on a diet?”

She grinned. “My bitchy sister said I am on a diet. Not me. I need to eat after hearing all that. I always say cheese fries make everything better.”

I laughed. I felt freer than I had in months. My confession had helped, but so had being around Stacy. “Truer words were never spoken. Cheese fries are the best.” I grabbed my purse and motioned toward the door. “Okay then. Let’s ruin our diets.”

We headed off to the Union food court, and I decided that Stacy McGee was, hands down, the coolest girl I had ever met.

Thanks, Sam.

LIAM

I pushed open the door to Inkspiration and waved to Janie, the girl who worked the front desk. Her bright pink hair was rolled into pinup curls, and the parts of her body that weren’t hidden by her retro rockabilly dress were covered in colorful tattoos and flashy piercings.

“Hey, Liam.” She gave me her professionally polite smile, but it exploded into full-blown exuberance when Troy stepped through the door behind me. “Hey, handsome,” she greeted him. “You finally going to get some ink?”

“Nah. I’m just here to hold this pussy’s hand.” He jerked his head in my direction.

I let the comment slide. We both knew he came along to flirt with Janie, not for my sake. I don’t know why he didn’t just ask the girl out. She clearly wanted him to.

Janie turned to face me. “Chuck is ready for you, so you can head on back whenever you’re ready. This is your last session, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It’s turning out even better than the sketch.” I reached behind my neck and grabbed a handful of my shirt to yank it over my head. I tossed it to Troy and then turned so Janie could see how the tattoo looked now that it had healed from the last session.

She stepped forward for a better look and made a tsking sound, shaking her head. “It’s not often we get some fine eye candy like you in here, O’Connell. I’ll be sad to see that flesh go. You gotta send me more of your Special Forces buddies.” She gave me a friendly slap along my bare ribs and then raised her eyes back to Troy. “Sure I can’t talk you into something while you’re here?”

“I’m sure there’s a lot you can talk him into, Janie. Don’t take no for an answer.” I chuckled and punched Troy on the shoulder before heading toward the back of the shop. I didn’t turn to see if Troy was embarrassed, the silence I left in my wake was enough of an answer.

Troy and I were as close as brothers. In many ways, I found with him what I’d always wanted to have with Declan. We not only had each other’s backs, but we listened to one another. He was the only person I’d ever talked to about home. About Lex. His belief in me and my ability to change was the only thing that kept me moving forward when the ache for home—for her—was too much to handle.

I crossed the shiny black floor until I reached the last station where Chuck was setting up. He spared a glance at me as I sat down in the chair and assumed the position I knew all too well. I leaned forward until my chest was against the support and my back was exposed to him.

“You ready?” he asked.

I couldn’t see the artwork on my back unless I looked in the mirror, but I knew exactly what it looked like, and I was more than ready to have it finished. I wanted it to be complete, to feel the full meaning of it on my skin and in my heart.

“Been ready for this since the first day,” I told him.

He pulled on his gloves and fidgeted with pots of ink while my mind wandered back to that day five months ago.

I’d walked into Inkspiration last spring, and when I told Janie what I was looking for, she merely smiled and introduced me to Chuck. He did a drawing for me, and a week later I was in his chair getting the first lines marked across my back.

That day was the one-year anniversary of Sam and Declan’s deaths. Even though I wasn’t putting their names or memories on my skin, it only seemed right that I make a physical declaration of my transformation on that day. If it hadn’t been for them, I wouldn’t have met Lex. I wouldn’t have lost her. And I wouldn’t have been inspired to do more with my life and make something of myself.

I remembered sitting in the chair for the first time, welcoming the pain when the needles initially touched my skin. I knew that Lex was probably sitting on the bench at Sam’s grave, missing her sister and in a world of pain. I wished I could have been with her, but since that wasn’t possible, I had hoped that at least she was able to find one of her rainbows to help her think about good memories of Sam—and maybe me too.

True to my promise, I hadn’t tried to contact Lex since the morning I left her dorm room. Not directly anyway. Until I could prove I was the man she deserved, there was no point in making her life more difficult. That didn’t mean I’d forgotten her though. Mom was my eyes and ears, keeping me up-to-date on Mr. Sinclair’s health and condition. Even if I wasn’t a part of Lex’s life, I wanted to know what was going on in her life and that she was okay. That she was surviving.

Last spring when I found out that Mr. Sinclair was in remission, I was inspired to walk into Inkspiration. For the first time since I left Lex, I had hope for her. For us. Mr. Sinclair was still alive, I was building a future I was proud of, and I wanted a way to keep Lex with me all the time. Not just as a picture in my pocket but marked on my skin.

The tattoo covered my entire back. It took a while for me to get it completed because I had to save money for each session, but it was worth it. As the art became more defined with each visit, so did my view of the future. Lex had changed me for the better, and I was going to prove to her that I was someone she could trust. The only man she wanted.

I had Chuck complete the angel of light first. Having a permanent reminder of Lex with me was almost like claiming her. She was mine, and I was going to take care of her for as long as she’d let me.

But today wasn’t that day. Today Lex’s heart was breaking again and I wasn’t there to hold it together. I hated myself for it—that my choices and our circumstances had forced us apart. Today I welcomed the pain of the needles. I needed to remind myself why I was here in training while she was home, all alone, with her grief.

This morning my mom told me that Mr. Sinclair’s cancer was back. Life was toying with Lex, giving her hope one day only to snatch it away again five months later. It wasn’t fair. I would give anything to give Lex back all the things that had been stolen from her. But that wasn’t an option.

“Lean forward,” Chuck said, nudging my head toward the cushion in front of me. The sudden buzz of the tattoo machine forced me out of my dark thoughts, and as I leaned my face into the black leather, I let myself feel every permanent stroke left by the needles.

Today the angel of light on my back would finally deliver the tormented angel from his own prison of darkness. Just like Lex had done for me.

A sudden, intense moment of understanding erupted in my chest as the needles scraped across my skin.

I loved her.

I loved Alexis Sinclair.

And I needed her to love me too.

I loved the library. Quiet, organized, full of answers. It was the one place where everything always made sense.

“So,” Asher said, closing his book and pushing it to the side so he could lean forward over the table and make eye contact with me. “You want to go to the tailgate with me this weekend?”

“Oh, ah… I can’t.” I tilted my head, trying to remember if this subject had already been brought up with Taren and Julie. There were so many parties and Greek events that sometimes I couldn’t keep track of them. “I’m going home this weekend. I won’t be around.”

Asher leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he frowned. “You go home almost every weekend. I thought we had a deal. I get to take the prettiest girl to all the parties, and you let me hook up with you afterward.” His frown dissolved into a charming smile.

“Hmm. Yes. I forgot about our deal.” I forced a grin to my face. “But I can’t this weekend. Sorry. You should take Jenna though. She’s single now. She probably doesn’t have a date yet.” In the beginning Asher had been understanding. After Liam left, I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted comfort. Friendship. Asher had seemed satisfied with a few kisses at parties and a little groping in dark corners. We were both busy with classes and schoolwork, and when I told him I didn’t have time for dates, he always admitted he didn’t either. Lately, however, things had changed. He seemed to want more. And I didn’t have more to give.

Asher’s jaw clenched briefly before he spoke. “You’re okay with me going with someone else?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t want to fuck up what we have like Pickles did with Taren.”

Pickles. The idiot cheated on Taren. No one was less surprised than me.

I sighed. Asher was being sweet but… “We don’t have a commitment, Asher. Remember? We’re not dating like Pickles and Taren were. No promises. Just fun. We’re friends. You can take someone else to the tailgate, and we’ll still be friends. I promise I won’t be pissed.”

“Friend-zoned? Just like that?”

Friend-zoned?
What else did he think this was? We’d never slept together. We hung out at parties, we danced, and we kissed. But we’d never been boyfriend and girlfriend.

Had we?

I felt a flush of fear race through my body.
I didn’t want a relationship. I told him that. I—

“Calm down,” Asher said, interrupting my freak-out. He placed his hand on mine. “I’m joking. I’m not trying to lay claim on you. I just don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re right. We’re… friends.” He didn’t say the word the way I had. I said it fondly. His way was forced.

I shook my head. “You won’t hurt my feelings. You should go with Jenna. Or, you know, anyone else you want. Don’t let me hold you back.”

A look of annoyance flashed across his face, but it was gone quickly. “Yeah. I’ll do that. So,” he said, looking away. “Are you coming to my formal or are you gonna bail on that too?” He turned to give me a tight smile.

My stomach clenched at the disappointment I saw in his eyes. “I’ll be there. I promised you I would.” I might not attend all the events or even many of them, but when I promised to go to one, I always did. I didn’t break promises. Even the ones I desperately wanted to.

***

A warm fall day was a gift from above. At least that’s what my dad always told me. I thought about him as I stretched out on the blanket beneath me, letting the rays of the sun seep into my blindingly pasty, white skin.

I closed my eyes and listened to the chatter of my sorority sisters. Our sundeck was one of the most popular spots in our house. Built in between two eaves of the roof, it was hidden from view below. The privacy from the outside world made it feel like a secret hideaway. In the spring we’d lay out in skimpy bikinis sunning ourselves. During exams, sisters would huddle together, smoking cigarettes in an attempt to calm their frazzled nerves. Anytime the sun shined, this was the place to socialize and relax.

Today Taren lay next to me on our shared blanket. We were waiting on Julie, who had asked us to meet her here. Now that Homecoming was over, she had free time on her hands, and she wanted to chat.

That meant she wanted to talk about a guy.

“Hola, chicas.” Julie snapped her towel in the air as she unrolled it. She flopped down next to me with a long sigh and leaned back on her elbows, tilting her chin toward the sun. “Remind me again why we have to go to classes. I’d much rather stay here and nap all day long.”

“Mmm,” Taren agreed. “But that’s the whole purpose of college, Jules. Classes.”

Julie groaned and looked at her watch. “Thankfully not for another hour. I’m not looking forward to Professor James or his body odor. You know I can smell him all the way from the back row? That man is potent.” She shuddered. “I don’t even want to think about it. Distract me. What’s going on with you and Alec?”

I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side to see Taren sit up cross-legged on the blanket. She twisted her thumb ring in circles and scrunched her nose.

“I don’t know. I feel like he’s giving me mixed signals. Like he did back in high school. One minute he’s all over me, and then he turns down my invite to The Shell. I can’t decide what he’s thinking,” she said, sounding defeated.

“Have you asked him?” I questioned, eyebrows raised. Sometimes the simplest solution was the best one.

Julie mirrored Taren’s cross-legged position. “She can’t do that! She’ll look too desperate, too interested. Play it cool, T.”

I sat up too and rolled my eyes at Julie. “She doesn’t need to pretend she’s not interested, Jules. She’s into him. Why all the games? Why can’t she just be honest? Honesty is the highest form of intimacy.”

Julie narrowed her eyes at me. “Oh really? Cause you’re the queen of honesty, right?”

My stomach recoiled.
What the hell?
I stared at her, wide-eyed, as the silence turned awkward. We’d never had a real fight. Sure I irritated Julie because I didn’t like to party like she did, but it had never been a big deal. Now she was throwing down a challenge and calling me out on the fact that I wasn’t open with them. Even though she was right, I wasn’t about to tell her that.

I looked at her for a long minute. Glancing back to Taren, desperate to turn the conversation away from me and my secrets, I said, “Back to the issue of Alec. I thought things were going great. What exactly are you worried about?”

Taren frowned. “Alec is awesome. He’s smart, hardworking, sweet, and drop-dead sexy. I like him a lot, but I’m worried that as a couple, we’re not compatible. We live in polar opposite worlds.”

“Haven’t you ever heard that opposites attract?” I asked, the corner of my lips tilting up into a small grin.

Julie huffed. “If that’s true, then why aren’t you with Liam? You two were about as opposite as they come. Now you’re with Asher, who is basically the male version of you. Preppy, studious, predictable…” Julie’s voice drifted off as she swept her arm in front of her, indicating the fact that I was overdressed compared to the rest of my sisters and that I was the only one who had brought textbooks out on the deck. “See my point?”

Julie might have used the words preppy, studious, and predictable, but what she meant was boring. And I was fine with that. I wasn’t offended because I knew all too well that although being adventurous was fun, it was too risky for me.

Taren frowned at Julie on my behalf. “Jules,” she warned. Then she turned back to me. “What happened to Liam? Do you talk to him? All you ever told us is that you broke up.” Taren pressed her mouth into a flat line.

I could sense her hurt as well as Julie’s resentment. They had every right to feel the way they did. I might be steady and predictable, but I wasn’t being real. They talked all the time about their lives and families. Me? Nada. I was an emotional vault.

And now Taren was attempting to break her way inside, bringing up things I tried to avoid. Worry seized my breath, and although I didn’t want to answer her questions, I knew I had to say something. I couldn’t just stay silent and continue to shut them out.

I cleared my throat to ease the building pressure. “Liam enlisted in the Army. He left last year, right after the night he slept over. I haven’t heard from him since then.”

“But why did you break up? Lots of people do long-distance relationships.” Julie unscrewed the cap off her diet soda and took a drink.

I chewed on my lip. “Bad timing. College was just starting, and he was moving away.”

Julie locked eyes with mine. She took a deep breath and then blew it out in a puff. “Lex.” She leaned in close to me. “I love you. You and T are the best girls I know. You know I’d do anything for you. I’d knee Asher in the balls if he ever hurt you. I’d spray Liam right in the face with my best hairspray if he made you cry. Seriously, all you have to do is say the word, and I’m there for you. So, it guts me that you don’t feel the same way about me. That you can’t trust me enough to share your pain.”

I felt the color drain from my face. “Julie.” My voice cracked, and I swallowed over the lump that formed in my throat. “I do feel the same for you. Why would you think otherwise?”

Julie stood up, grabbing her towel and her soda. “Because if you loved me, you would let me in. T and me. I know you’re not telling us the full truth. Bad timing?” She snorted. “That’s an excuse, not the real reason you broke up. There’s something about Liam that makes you feel guilty. I could see it in the way you couldn’t even look at me when you talked about him.”

I was struck speechless by her ability to see straight through me.

“If you trusted us,” she said, putting her hand on her hip, “you would let us get to know the whole Alexis and not just the perfect parts. If you ever trust me enough to do that, know I’ll be waiting. I want to be that kind of friend for you, Lex. I think you need it. I know I do.”

Julie walked back through the door to go into the house. Just like that. I was dumbfounded. I’d always just assumed that she was as shallow as she acted. She was the crazy party animal, and it shocked me that all this time she had paid attention to everything I’d never shared. It surprised me she cared so much.

I turned toward Taren to find her twisting a piece of her hair. “We both know something is going on with you. I never wanted to pressure you to share stuff you didn’t want to, but I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. Okay?” She held her arms open, and I swallowed back a sob as I hugged her.

“Okay. I’ll try to get there.” I choked out the words, my usually calm emotions rising like a tsunami.

“I know you will.” Taren hugged me tighter, and I realized for the first time that, while we might not share blood between us, Taren and Julie truly wanted to be part of my family.

The only thing holding me back from letting them in was me. But was it worth it to open up all my emotional baggage at school, my one safe place?

Send me a sign, Sam.