The Color of Us (College Bound Book 2) (15 page)

I left Liam there, alone on my porch. And right along with him, I left my soul. I knew, with every ounce of me, that I would never get over Liam O’Connell.

When I came through the door and tossed my overnight bag onto my bed, Taren looked up, her eyes widening. She glanced at the time on her laptop. “Hey, Lex! I wasn’t expecting you back so early. I thought you’d be spending all day with that hunky boyfriend of yours.”

I swallowed tightly and was surprised to find it easier not to cry now than it had been that morning. The painful stab of loss was there, but I could also feel myself building up a tolerance to the constant ache. Last spring I had been a broken mess. Over the summer Liam had put me back together, and even though I was now faced with losing him, I refused to fall apart again. I couldn’t.

“Liam and I broke up.” I unzipped my bag and pulled clothes and toiletries out, stuffing them back where they belonged in my closet.

There was a full minute of silence, and when I glanced up from my open bag, I found Taren staring at me in shock, her mouth hanging open. “What happened?” Her voice was quiet like she thought I might crumble in front of her if she breathed too hard.

I shrugged. I hated lying to Taren. She had already become one of my closest friends, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Sam, Declan, and Liam were too painful to bring out here in college, in the one place I could escape. “We had a fight. It just wasn’t working out.”

Taren pushed up out of her chair and came across the room to stand next to me. She put her hand on my arm, and that gentle touch was almost enough to unravel my control. “I know you said you had a lot going on back home. If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”

I forced a smile to my mouth as I met her concerned gaze. “I know, Taren. Thanks. Don’t take it the wrong way. I’m just… private. I’d rather not talk about it.”

Taren pulled me into a hug. “I get it, Lex.” She squeezed me a bit tighter. “Just know I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks.” I hugged her back. I was so used to my mom forcing me to talk about things I didn’t want to, that it was a relief to have unconditional support. Taren wasn’t expecting me to unload on her, and she didn’t judge me for keeping my secrets. I loved her for that.

Especially since she had begun to share her past with me. Her high school experience was rough. She was bullied by other students and publically embarrassed by her big crush. I felt horrible for her when she told me, but it was over. She was moving beyond her past.

My past wouldn’t ever be over. I would never get past my sister dying. Or Liam being related to her killer. I hoped my dad’s cancer was one thing I would be able to look back on with the knowledge that he beat it and it was over. I hoped and prayed for that day, even though I knew I couldn’t count on it happening.

Taren released me from the hug and pulled back to look at me. “I’m heading out for dinner, you want to come? Julie’s not back yet, so it’ll be nice and quiet.” She lifted her eyebrows and smiled, holding back a laugh.

I shook my head. “My parents and I stopped to eat on the way here. But thanks. I think I’m just going to catch up on some light reading.”

Taren walked over to my bed and needed both hands to pick up
Molecular Biology of the Cell
, a secondhand textbook I picked up online to read in preparation for next semester. She bounced the huge book in her hands, weighing it.

“Yeah, I can see how you consider this light.” She grinned at me and then dropped the book back on the bed where it thunked loudly, causing the springs to squeak as my mattress shuddered under the weight of it.

We both laughed as she grabbed her room key and turned for the door.

“I’ll bring you back a coffee,” she offered.

“Vanilla creamer?”

Taren clutched her chest. “Is there any other way to drink it?” She waved good-bye and headed out the door.

Once I was alone, I lost all interest in putting my things away. I flopped down on my bed and pulled my book into my lap. Getting lost in science and facts was the fastest way to ignore the ache in my chest.

I hadn’t made it in two pages before my phone chimed. I lifted it up to see Liam’s name.

Liam: Make it back to school yet?

The urge to answer him was so strong I felt like an addict needing another hit. I knew how much it would hurt me to continue talking to him, and I still wanted it so badly I almost couldn’t see straight.

I put the phone on silent and turned it face down. Time to go cold turkey.

***

On Monday his text came while I was walking to class.

Liam: Miss you so fucking bad

Jesus.
I missed him too. I was anxious and not sleeping well. The headaches were nearly incapacitating sometimes, and I had a hard time concentrating in class. It was clear that I was going through Liam withdrawal, and every text I got from him was another tiny taste that threatened to pull me back into my dependence on him.

***

Tuesday’s text surprised me during lunch.

Liam: Know you’re mad at me, but I can’t stop thinking about you

Wanted you to know that nothing has changed.

You’re it for me

These texts were killing me. His words found a way to get under my skin and into my heart, pulling open every raw wound. Everything had changed for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him either, but I wished he would let us both move on. But then again I wished a lot of things. For Sam to be alive. That she had never met Declan. And most of all that I didn’t have to let Liam go.

***

I thought I was home free on Wednesday, but then Liam’s text came right before I went to bed.

Liam: Know I fucked up, Lex

Know I hurt you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life making it right

Please give me another chance

His texts were their own kind of disease, working their way into my brain and heart, infecting me with need and want for something that could only hurt my family and me. I hated myself for being so weak, for wanting to just give in no matter how much trouble it might cause.

I didn’t give in though. I thought about my dad, and I stayed strong. I denied my heart what it wanted most.

***

Every day I got a text. They never came at the same time. They never said the same thing. And they were getting more desperate with each passing day, which only made
me
feel more desperate. The only control I had in the whole situation was knowing that we were an hour away from one another and that I had no way to get home on my own.

I noticed Taren looking at me often like I had some sort of illness and she was just waiting for it to consume me. But she never pried or asked me for my secrets, and I never offered any explanations. I threw myself into my schoolwork, the one thing that I could depend on to act a certain way. Facts were solid. They didn’t change. They didn’t surprise you. They behaved exactly the way you expected them to.

Two weeks after my visit home, I sat on my bed, reading a book. I was falling back into my old habits. Taren and Julie might call me Lex, but I had abandoned fearless, daring Lex on my front porch the moment I walked away from Liam. The chains of perfect Alexis were falling back in place. I could almost sense Sam’s disapproval at what I’d become. I could feel her disappointment in me. I reached up to rub the rainbow of my bracelet between my fingers.

I know I’m boring, Sam, but Lex only got me into trouble. Being Alexis is so much easier. It’s comfortable. Predictable.

“Did you say something?” Taren was sprawled out on her bed, working on a paper.

I shook my head. “No.”

She frowned. “Huh. I thought you said something about a Sam. I must be more tired than I thought.” She closed the notebook and sat up, rubbing her temples. “Want to head over to the dining hall for late night? They’re still open for another hour.”

Before I could answer her, someone knocked on our door. It was halfway open, and Annette from down the hall peeked around the edge of it. “Oh good. You’re here,” she said once she saw me. “I found something downstairs that belongs to you.”

She pushed the door all the way open, and there, leaning on Annette’s boyfriend, was Liam.

“He uh… he was outside in the parking lot hanging out with his friend Jack.” Annette lifted her hand to show me a bottle wrapped in brown paper. “He asked if I knew where you lived, and I recognized him from your picture.”

Annette’s eyes darted toward my dresser where the picture of Liam and I used to sit. It was now stuffed in my pajama drawer where I liked to pretend I didn’t look at it every chance I got.

She cleared her throat when she noticed the empty space where the picture used to be and then said, “I didn’t want campus police to find him, but I can… we can take him back out.”

“No. That’s okay,” I managed to say.

Liam lifted his head at the sound of my voice and looked at me as if I were a dream come true. “Angel?”

“You sure you want us to leave him?” Annette asked, frowning at the way Liam stumbled forward, catching himself on my doorframe.

I nodded and put my book to the side. “Thanks for looking out for him, Annette.”

She gave me a thumbs-up and then took her boyfriend’s hand as they left.

I took a deep breath, feeling every nerve ending revolting against my forced calm. Liam was here. But he didn’t look like my Liam from the summer. The version of Liam in my doorway was someone who had all my favorite parts—the confidence, the humor, the strength, the sweetness—ripped away. He was a husk, a shell of the boy I’d lost my heart to.

I stood up and approached him slowly because I knew no matter what my mind was telling me about keeping my distance emotionally, I couldn’t trust my heart. “Liam. What are you doing here?”

He peeled himself away from the doorframe and peered down at me through hazy, unfocused eyes. “How can you do this to us?” he slurred. “How can you just throw us away?” His voice got louder with each word.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why are you drunk?” He smelled like he’d bathed in a keg. “How did you get here?”

He blinked slowly, waving his hand toward the door. “Brought my Jeep.” He leaned in closer, a sexy smirk on his face. “Remember how much you liked my Jeep?”

I pushed him back with both hands to his chest. “You drove? Drunk?” I no longer had to worry about my heart going weak and forcing me to do something I’d regret, like kiss him. I was so pissed I wanted to shake him senseless. What was he thinking risking his life like that? Risking others?

He took a step toward me, his expression a mix of desperation and agony. He shook his head, trying to make sense of his situation. “I don’t drink and drive. I’m not Declan!” He yelled the last three words and dragged his hands through his hair. He blew out a long breath. “I drank out in the parking lot. Had to work up the courage to see you. You won’t answer my texts.” He blinked, and tears pushed their way along the edges of his eyes.

Oh God
. He was crying. How was this the same boy from the beginning of the summer? Cocky, self-assured Liam was gone, and in his place was someone I didn’t recognize.

Before I could answer him, I heard a shuffle behind me, and I turned to see Taren shove some books and clothes into her backpack. “I’m just going to hang out with Julie tonight.” She flicked a concerned glance between Liam and me. “I’ll be right across the hall if you need me.”

I nodded my thanks, watching as she left and shut the door behind her. Once Liam and I were alone, I finally had the courage to meet his gaze again.

“I didn’t answer your texts because we broke up. You have to stop. Please, stop texting me.” Standing there looking at him, so far away from the truth that had ruined us, my heart begged me to reconsider. To find a way to have him. To make our messed-up situation go away.

“I know,” he said. “I will. But first I need to fix this. I need to make it better.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s possible, Liam. Nothing can change the truth. Our families will always be the same. No matter how we feel about each other, that won’t erase what happened with your brother and my sister. It won’t change my family’s heartbreak. It won’t change the fact that I have to make my dad a priority right now. He needs me, and I just can’t do
this
”—I gestured between us—“to him.”

Liam shook his head in a way that looked like he was both agreeing and disagreeing with me. “I know,” he slurred. “I’m sorry. I just… had to see you one more time.” His gaze pinned me in place, and I felt like a captured butterfly, unable to move, all the pieces of me on display.

One more time?
I didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean one more time?” I asked carefully.

He stumbled toward me, and I reached out to steady him.

“Look,” I said to Liam. “Lay down so you can sober up. I’m not letting you drive home like this.” I turned toward my bed, and when he reached out to grab my hand, I let him.

Dammit
. I was so weak.

He collapsed on my bed, and I sat on the edge. We stared at each other in silence, but my mind was in an uproar of confusion. Just when I was starting to get my own heart under control, Liam had to show up and throw me into an emotional tailspin. As his warm fingers tangled tightly with mine, I wondered if all my so-called control was just an illusion, a lie I was telling myself. A lie he could see through.