The Color of Us (College Bound Book 2) (16 page)

“I’m gonna make myself worthy of you,” he mumbled. “And then you’ll forgive me.”

“Liam.” I sighed in exasperation, trying to pull my hand from his. “Our breakup has nothing to do with you not being good enough. You were always more than good enough in my eyes. It isn’t about us. It’s about our families.”

He held on to my hand like it was the only thing keeping him conscious. “Like Romeo and Juliet.” He was slurring his words and getting harder to understand. “Our families hate each other.”

I couldn’t deny that, but unlike Juliet, I refused to let us destroy each other or those we loved. “That’s not going to change,” I pointed out. Again.

“I’m going to prove I’m different,” he said. “And it’ll be okay. I’ll make this right. For us.”

I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. “You should just move on, Liam. You have so much to offer someone else.” I opened my eyes. “And we have too much baggage together.”

He shook his head. “No. I can fix this. Gonna save lives. Not destroy them like Declan.” His eyes drifted shut, and he squeezed my hand. “Gonna join the Army. Be a hero.”

“The Army?” I asked. “Liam. You can’t be serious. You can’t run off and join the Army. That’s not a solution.” When he didn’t answer, I shook him, but it did no good. He was passed out.

This couldn’t be real. The military? A bad boy and free spirit like Liam? No way. Army rules and regimen would suck everything out of him that made him so… Liam. I couldn’t believe it. That’s what he meant about seeing me one last time. Once he left, he would belong to them for lord knows how long. I wanted him to move on, to find happiness, but he was choosing to run straight into the arms of danger.

If something happened to him, it would be my fault, and I’d never forgive myself.

I had tried to make things better, and they were only getting worse.

I looked down at the beautiful, troubled boy who had shown me how to drive… how to remember my sister with happiness… how to… love.

Love?
I rubbed my hand over my eyes, the pounding in my chest almost unbearable. I’d never been brave enough to even think that before, but why else would my heart be breaking so much? Liam was Declan’s brother. And I still wanted him.

I looked down at the boy who had stolen my heart and refused to give it back. He was sprawled out on my mattress, his arm to the side from when he’d been holding my hand. I knew what I was about to do was selfish, but I did it anyway. I crawled into bed with him, laid my head on his arm, and wrapped myself around him. I decided to steal one more night with Liam before he was gone for good. I could have sworn I felt his arm tighten around me, but when I whispered his name, he didn’t answer.

Even beneath the stench of liquor, I could smell the familiar scent of him—leather and smoke. I breathed in deeply, memorizing every detail about him. Yes, he lied to me. Yes, he was as dangerous as my mom always warned. But that would never change the fact that he was mine.

Sam, just for one night, look away. Let me have this with him, and I promise tomorrow Daddy will be my priority again.

I reached up and traced my finger across Liam’s jaw and around his lips like an invisible kiss. “Good-bye, Liam. You will always own my heart.”

LIAM

I was going to kill whoever was making so much noise outside. I forced my eyes open even though the bright light spilling into the room made my headache even worse. For a second I was confused. I was in a room I didn’t recognize.

I blinked a few times until my memories started to patch themselves together.

Last night I came to say good-bye to Lex. I got drunk in the parking lot trying to work up the nerve to talk to her. She let me in her room. And I passed out. I was in her dorm room.

Gazing around, I found her on the other bed, her hands tucked under her head while she lay curled up on top of the mattress. It looked like the comforter from that bed had been thrown over top of me.

Throwing the blanket to the side, I sat up and clutched my head in my hands, groaning as a headache slammed around inside my skull. This was not how I envisioned this good-bye going. I went and fucked it all up, as usual. My last chance to see her before basic training, and I had to show up drunk. I couldn’t even remember what I said to her last night. I had vague memories of her in my arms and promises of love, but clearly those were wishful, drunken dreams since she was as far away from me as she could possibly get. I was surprised she even slept in the same room as me.

I was such a fucking disaster.

I grabbed a notebook from her desk and scribbled out a quick note. No more begging. No more hollow promises. I was going to get my shit together. And then I would win her back.

Good-bye Angel,

No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.

Love, Liam

***

I took the train down to Fort Benning, Georgia leaving my Jeep at home for my mom to use and my phone tucked into my top dresser drawer. The Army didn’t prohibit cell phones, but if I was going to fix myself, I needed to concentrate fully on doing just that. I promised my mom I would e-mail her, and I promised myself I would leave Lex alone. No more pathetic texts.

The Army issued me new uniforms, right down to my underwear, and I ditched my civilian clothes like an old skin I was shedding. I was dressed like every other asshole around me, but the chance at having a new start was exhilarating.

When it was my turn, I sat down in the chair, colorful shreds of hair scattered on the floor around me. I heard the angry buzz of the clippers, and when they made the first swipe across my skull, I felt lighter. By the time my entire head was buzzed, I imagined I was cleansed.

This was my chance to remake myself. My mom believed I could be more than the fucking disaster I’d been as a teenager. I owed it to her to be someone she could be proud to call a son. The Army wasn’t college, but it was a future. A good one. Lex needed more than a troublemaker with no direction in life. She deserved more than the memory of my brother and his actions. I was determined to be that for her. She had freely given me her heart before. Next time I would earn it.

When I woke up and saw that Liam was gone, I realized I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. Seeing the empty bed, knowing that he had snuck out while I was asleep, made his absence so much more real. I hadn’t realized how much I was depending on his texts and messages until I read his letter and realized that I could lose him forever.

I had a chance at love, and I didn’t fight for it. Maybe he realized I wasn’t worth fighting for. Maybe if I had tried harder, I could have made my parents understand. If they just knew Liam, they would see he was nothing like Declan.

But now it might be too late to fix my mistake. He wouldn’t be back home waiting for me to come to my senses. There might not be an opportunity for a second chance with him. He was joining the Army.

I clutched my head, holding in a scream. Why were my heart and head working against each other? Our situation wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was a disaster. But I still wanted him. That meant something, right? I could fix this. I didn’t have to be miserable. Liam was right. We could find a way to make this work.

I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It went straight to voice mail.

“Uh. Hi, Liam. It’s Lex. Alexis.” I paused, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” My throat tightened as I held back my tears. “Please call me. I need to talk to you.” I hung up before I could start crying.

What if he didn’t call back? I had no one to blame for my broken heart but myself. I agreed to break up with him. I chased him away. I was the reason he was joining the Army.

***

I called every day for weeks. Liam never picked up. Never returned my calls. He really was taking my advice. He was moving on.

Without me.

I messed up so bad this time, Sam.

I was officially a Tri-Gam.

I still wasn’t sure why I had gone along with the whole rush/pledge/sorority thing, but over the past few weeks, Gamma Gamma Gamma had given me something I hadn’t expected.

Normalcy. Sisterhood. And fun.

The
fun
thing was what surprised me. With all the loss I had recently endured, I also anticipated the loss of fun. But from the first day I met Taren and Julie, they’d brought happiness back to my life. They helped me push my boundaries, and I made decisions with them I never would have alone. I tried new things. I met new people. Sometimes I even went to parties.

But I was smart. I was quiet. I stayed safe. One thing I knew above all else was that I wouldn’t do anything risky that could potentially rock my parents’ already precarious world. Learning sorority songs and chants, studying the history of Tri-Gam, and sleeping over at the house were all innocent fun.

Most days I laughed. I smiled until my cheeks hurt. I made friends with girls I never would have spoken to without Tri-Gam. I went to happy hours and fraternity mixers. Harmless Greek events were a great diversion from what was happening back home. I appreciated having the distraction.

Scratch that. I didn’t
appreciate
it, I needed it.

And so tonight I stood in the backyard of the Delta Epsilon house, drinking canned beer and talking with Asher Vance.

Asher could be described as the polar opposite of Liam.

That was precisely why I was talking to him.

Asher had dark blond hair cut in a shaggy style that only private school kids could pull off. He wore polos with the collar popped up, and wrinkle-free button-down shirts. I hadn’t ever seen him in jeans. When I passed him on campus, he was either in khaki shorts or pants. He wore brightly colored cloth belts and Sperry’s.

I thought about the preppy loafers Asher was wearing tonight as I took a gulp of beer. I let myself picture, just for a minute, Liam in a pair of Sperry’s.

I choked, coughing into my hand.

“Are you okay?” Asher walked over and rubbed my back.

I smiled and nodded. There was no doubt that Asher was attractive. He just wasn’t Liam. He didn’t make me think sinful thoughts. He was cute. Like a puppy.

I liked cute. Heck, I loved puppies.

I didn’t want sexy. I had fallen for sexy. I gave so many of my firsts to sexy. I surrendered my heart to sexy. And sexy no longer wanted anything to do with me.

So cute was a good way to go. I could handle cute. Cute was… safe.

“I’m fine. Thanks, Asher.”

He swiveled his head to the side, and I watched his blond locks swing away from his forehead. His eyes were brown and soft. Kind. His were honest eyes, and I felt comfortable around him right away.

He handed me another beer and tossed my empty one in the trash. “I’m surprised you haven’t gotten any beer thrown on you yet. They usually get everyone at the same time.”

I’d been warned I’d have beer dumped on me. I’d already seen it happen to my friends. And it still didn’t make any sense. I took a sip from the can Asher had given me as I watched Taren and Julie wringing out their sweatshirts while their big sisters filled more pitchers at the keg.

Tonight had been our initiation into Tri-Gam. Earlier we were part of a classy candlelit ceremony. Then our big sisters gifted us our first items of Greek clothing—sweatshirts with the letters for Gamma Gamma Gamma on them. After that, we proceeded to walk to Delta Epsilon and were told that these same sisters would drench our lettered sweatshirts in beer as a final form of initiation.

I failed to see the point in the drenching part and was glad that, so far, I’d managed to stay dry.

I heard a giggle and whipped my head around. My big sister Tiffany smiled, a large pitcher of beer in her hand. Instinct had me turning to run away, but Asher grabbed me, holding me in a bear hug in front of him.

“Asher!” I screeched, struggling to pull away.

“It’s better not to run,” he chuckled into my ear, and we both yelled as the beer rained down my head and Asher’s front. A second pitcher joined the first, and I held my breath, eyes shut, to keep from inhaling the nasty brew. Asher released me, and I stood next to him, dripping wet.

“It’s done from love, Alexis.” Tiffany laughed as she threw me a towel. “Congratulations, sister.”

Sister.
That word both stung and soothed. The girls of Tri-Gam would never be my real sisters. They would never take away even an ounce of the ache I had from losing Sam.

You hear that, Sam? No one replaces you. Not ever.

But the concept of sisterhood, and the knowledge that a house full of girls was there for me if I needed them brought me some peace.

Asher grabbed another towel, and we mopped up the beer on our clothes and faces.

“When I met you the first night of college, playing beer pong, I got the impression you had a boyfriend. Now I get the feeling you’re single. Am I right?” As Asher spoke, I looked up. His hair was still preppy perfect. I held back a strange urge to rumple it for him.

I rubbed the towel across my face. “Uh… yeah. We broke up. But I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m focused on my classes. I’m trying to get into medical school.” I picked up my beer and took another drink, not because it tasted even remotely good, but because I wasn’t sure what else to say.

Asher grinned. “I get that. I’m hoping to go to law school, so I’m focused on my grades too. I wasn’t asking you to go steady, Alexis.” He dipped his head close to mine. “No need to make any promises. I just want to have some fun with the prettiest girl on campus.”

My stomach flipped, not used to hearing compliments from anyone other than Liam. Maybe a little fun was exactly what I needed to get my mind off him and what I gave up. My heart still wanted him, but my brain remembered all the unanswered calls. I was never going to get over the pain between us if I didn’t at least try to go on a date every now and then. Hanging out with a cute guy who had the same goals as me made sense.

Right, Sam?

I didn’t have to risk my heart again. I didn’t have to make promises.

I tilted my chin to look at Asher, and he took that as an invitation. When he touched his lips to mine, I decided to stop analyzing and just enjoy. I met him halfway, pressing my mouth to his and wrapping my hands around his neck. As our tongues met, I felt the prickle of guilt deep in my gut. My heart knew it wasn’t Liam. It wanted Liam. When I inhaled, I smelled beer and fancy cologne, not the familiar smoke and leather scent that my body ached for.

I forced those feelings aside. I couldn’t have Liam. It was stupid to still want him so badly when he clearly had moved on. Instead, I concentrated on the way that Asher made me feel—calm and secure. This kiss was nice. It was easy. With Liam, my heart raced and my knees buckled. Liam was passion. But that same passion would only lead to pain, and I’d had enough of that to last me a lifetime. Asher was the exact opposite. Asher was what I needed.
I think.

His lips moved against mine, and I relaxed. I let myself enjoy the kiss.

Simple, fun, and cute were enough… for now. No promises. No lies. No pain.