The Color of Us (College Bound Book 2) (14 page)

I’d come to Liam for comfort. He was the person who chased the darkness away. I trusted him. I’d given him my heart in pieces, and he’d patched me back up, only to shatter me again. He knew who I was the whole time.

“Were any of the things between us real?” I asked, my voice trembling, unsure.

“Angel…” He reached for me again, but I pulled away. All I could see were the times we talked about Sam. His support had meant so much to me, but now those memories were tainted with his secret.

“You knew who I was. Was I just some sort of pity project? To make up for what your brother did? To fix the sad, broken girl?” I asked looking around the room, searching for answers. The man was glaring at me, and the woman had her arms wrapped around her chest, her mouth hanging open in horror. “Or was this some kind of payback?”

A look of hurt flashed across Liam’s face. “How can you say that? After everything that’s happened between us, how could you even think that?”

“Because you knew and you let me fall in—” I took a deep, ragged breath, determined not to finish that sentence. Not now. “You knew and let me believe you cared.”

“I do care,” he said firmly. He took a step toward me, and panic rushed through me.

“I have to go,” I said suddenly. I couldn’t trust myself to stay. I couldn’t trust him.

“Lex, don’t do this,” he pleaded, his voice wounded.

My heart wasn’t just breaking, it was splintering. I needed to get out of there before I was totally shattered beyond repair. I darted past Liam and his parents, pounding my way up the stairs to his room. I grabbed my purse and was back down the stairs in seconds. No one had moved, but the woman in the bathrobe was crying.

Just as I made it to the front door, Liam grabbed my arm, spinning me to face him. His mouth opened to argue with me again, but when I looked down to where his hand held me, he did too. His fingers were wrapped around my wrist, the rainbow charm trapped between his fist and my skin. He pulled his hand away as if he’d been burned. I took one last look at his beautiful, broken expression and then escaped to my car.

I didn’t understand. None of this made any sense.

I was out on the main road before the gut-wrenching, soul-twisting sobs took over. How could life be so unfair? How could fate let me fall for the brother of my sister’s killer? How could I ever look at him again without seeing that secret staring back at me?

Sam, I’m so sorry. I would never have been with him if I’d known. I would never betray you like that.

Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t brush them away.

Exactly how many times could a heart be broken before it just gave up?

LIAM

When I was a kid, my mom often ran out of money. Our electricity had been shut off more times than I could count. During the day, it wasn’t a big deal. But at night when there was no light, I got scared. I’d press my palms into my eyes forcing bursts of color to form under my eyelids so I didn’t feel so lonely.

The most pathetic thing? I was still scared of the dark.

I fell back on the couch and pressed my palms into my eyes like I was six years old again. Only, the darkness surrounding me this time wasn’t from unpaid bills, it was from the secret I’d kept. I hurt the one person I cared about the most, and I was afraid. If I lost her for good, I knew nothing in my life would ever be as bright as she had been.

“You never told her, kid?” I opened my eyes as Jerry stood next to the couch in front of the end table. He picked up the framed photo that had sent Lex running, and stared at his son’s face.

Jerry and Susan O’Connell Murphy married five years ago. Declan had been fourteen at the time, and I had just turned thirteen. Declan and I were never close, not like real brothers, but he looked out for me. He had my back in any fight. And in our neighborhood, that was often. Problem was, Declan had the same weakness as his father. Once he started drinking, he couldn’t stop. Declan wasn’t a bad guy, he just made stupid, awful mistakes. His worst mistake being the night he got behind the wheel of Sam’s car. He not only ruined his future and hers, but mine and Lex’s too.

“No.” I ran my hands through my hair, scraping my fingers against my scalp. “When I first met her, and we started hanging out, I didn’t know she was Sam’s sister. By the time I found out, it was too late.” I lifted my head to peer up at Jerry, willing him to say something to fix the mess I was in.

“If they would’ve let us apologize face-to-face, none of this would have happened,” Jerry grumbled.

I remembered my mom calling Sam’s family and asking for the chance to apologize on Declan’s behalf, for the opportunity to attend Sam’s funeral and pay our condolences. The Sinclairs had rejected her offer and asked her to never contact them again. They were grieving and not ready to forgive.

But I couldn’t regret the rejection. If they had accepted, I would never have gotten the opportunity with Lex that I’d had. I don’t know if we’d ever had a true chance at a happy ending, but I know that if we had met at the funeral, there would never have been a beginning to Lex and Liam.

When I didn’t answer, Jerry sighed and headed toward the kitchen. When he came back out with two beers, he offered one to me, but I shook my head. I wasn’t sure if I should go after Lex tonight and beg for forgiveness, or wait until morning after she had a chance to calm down. Either way, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to drink right now.

Jerry settled on the couch next to me and took a deep pull of his beer. I wondered if he was thinking about Declan. When he thought about his son and the accident, was it with sorrow like my mom? Or did he remember it with anger like me? Maybe he felt guilty for not being a better role model? I had no idea. Feelings weren’t discussed in this family; they were drowned in addictions and bad judgment.

Declan had been the epitome of lousy judgment. He’d pushed every limit he could in life. From what I’d heard about Sam, she pushed the limits too but in a different way. She was brave, outgoing, adventurous, and obsessed with having fun. Declan was an addict. The worst kind. If there was a party, he’d be the drunkest asshole there. If there were drugs, he’d try them all. He wanted to be the highest, the fastest, and the wildest, and he didn’t care who went down in flames with him.

What made him the biggest bonehead of all, though, was that he was smart. He was a motherfucking genius and had a full ride to West Virginia University. I was jealous of the fact that Declan never needed to attend classes. He could party all night and still ace every exam. We were told he was headed for Mensa and shit, and yet he risked everything to party like a goddamn rock star.

When Declan came home with perfect grades his freshman year, all he could talk about was the girl he met. Sam was from the next town over. She was wealthy, and he wanted to impress her. He told me he was going to prove to her that even white trash kids like us could hang with the country club set. So he went with her to one of her friend’s parties and drank himself stupid. And then my stepbrother, with all his brains, forgot his common sense. He got behind the wheel of Sam’s car.

He killed himself. He killed Sam. And he murdered our family’s reputation. Not that we had a lot going for us to begin with, but still. He crushed what little we had.

We were part of the problem, they said. It was in our blood, they said. He was trash, they said. I was lucky that most of the gossip was just in our hometown. The one saving grace was that my name had never been mentioned in the news along with Declan’s. I was positive that if Melissa had ever discovered the connection, she would have made sure Lex knew too.

I was sorry Declan died, but mostly I was ashamed of him. Sam had been innocent. She shouldn’t have gotten in the car with him, but Declan was the one who put her keys in the ignition that night. It was his idiocy that wrapped her car around a tree and took her life.

“She’s not the only one who’s sufferin’, kid,” Jerry said, ripping me from my thoughts. He set the photo back on the end table. “If she can’t forgive you lyin’ to her, that’s her loss.” Jerry tipped back his beer and finished it in a gulp. He belched and cracked the cap on the next one.

No. He was wrong. If Lex couldn’t forgive me, it was my loss. She could always find something better. She
should
find something better. But selfish as I was, I didn’t want her to. I wanted to be her something better.

“I’m goin’ back to bed,” Jerry said, pushing himself to standing and shuffling down the hallway. He patted my mom’s shoulder as he passed her. She hadn’t moved since Lex bolted out our front door.

Mom released a breath, watching Jerry make his way back to bed as he drained the second bottle of beer on the way. Without a word she walked out onto the porch leaving the front door wide open. Seconds later I smelled the smoke from her cigarette drift inside as she lit up.

Time to douse some feelings with nicotine.

When I pushed through the broken screen door, I found her on the wooden steps of our porch, a cloud of smoke circling her head. I sat next to her, and she passed me the pack. I liberated a cigarette, lit it, and took a drag so long and hard my lungs burned. I welcomed the pain. Filling my lungs with toxic breaths somehow felt right.

I glanced over to my mom to see that her gaze was focused on me. Her eyes were red and slanted. Whether it was from crying, smoking, or lack of sleep, I couldn’t tell. Declan may not have been her son by blood, but she still grieved for him. For all of us.

“You like this girl?” she asked.

Were we going to talk? This wasn’t something I was used to. I blew out my breath in a long exhale. “I’m falling in love with her. She’s like a fucking angel.”

Mom nodded and took another drag of her cigarette. “That’s good, baby.” She reached over and rubbed my back. “I’m glad you found love. Hate that it had to be her though. You deserve to be happy.”

I ground out my cigarette and stood up. The moon was full and round in the dark sky. “I was happy. I just wish I was good enough for her.”

Mom stabbed her cigarette out on the cracked and broken walkway under her feet. “Did you ever think that maybe she’s not good enough for you?”

I snorted and shook my head in disbelief.

“True worth isn’t measured in dollar signs and shiny things,” Mom said. She lifted her eyes and stared out into the darkness. “It’s measured by the strength of your heart.” She turned her face up to look at me, and I tried not to roll my eyes. Since when did Mom get poetic? She stood up and ruffled my hair before turning to go back into the house. “Night, baby.”

The strength of my heart? If anything, I’d been weak. I’d kept my secret for months. Watching Lex grieve over her sister, knowing my stepbrother had been the cause and not saying a word… I felt like an imposter. So many times I wanted to tell her the truth, but I was scared of losing her. Being with Lex was like walking on the surface of the sun. When I was with her, I felt all the dark, corrupt parts of me fade away. I was a better man with her.

But the truth was, every time she gave me another piece of her trust, the guilt felt like a ticking time bomb. I knew I couldn’t keep Declan a secret forever. I tried to tell her at Scoops, over the phone, in the Jeep… countless times I opened my mouth to confess, but I always chickened out.

I regretted that I lied to her. I regretted that I hurt her. But I’d never regret the time I’d spent with her. Maybe if I’d told her from the beginning, she would have understood. But then again maybe she wouldn’t have given me the time of day.

My life, even before Declan died, had been ashen. I lived in a seedy neighborhood, in a run-down house with a damaged family and a shady past. Lex was like a breath of fresh air. Until she came along I hadn’t realized I’d been drowning or that I needed to change. Until she came along I didn’t know how much I needed her.

She had saved me. And I was going to earn her trust back. I didn’t care how long it took.

I turned off the ignition and wiped away my tears. No matter how destroyed I felt on the inside, I refused to fall apart on the outside. The last thing my family needed was another problem to deal with. My parents needed me to be strong for them, and I was determined to do just that.

Closing the door to the SUV as quietly as possible, I slipped into the house and bolted the door behind me. I tiptoed up the stairs, leaving the hallway lights off, and climbed into bed without even bothering to change.

I smelled like sex. Like Liam. Tears filled my eyes, and I choked back a sob, angry with myself for letting it break free. God, why that boy? How was it with all the millions of people in the world I had to go and fall for the one person I shouldn’t? Pressing my face into my pillow, I let myself scream, pouring all my frustration out in a muffled release.

“Alexis?” My mom cracked open my door and whispered into the dark. “Did you just get home?”

Crap.
My nerves were frayed, and my mom’s relentless questions were the last things I could handle tonight.

“Yeah.” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. “I’m fine. You can go back to bed.”

The light on my dresser switched on, bathing my bedroom in a soft yellow light. “Alexis? What happened? You look terrible!” Mom sat on the edge of my bed, tucking the sides of her robe in close to her body.

My exhale was shaky. “Can I talk to you about it in the morning? Please?”

She shook her head and lifted her hand, almost like she wanted to reach for me. “You’re obviously upset. Did that boy do something?”

I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. My head ached with the incessant pounding from crying so much in the car. I felt so sick it was a miracle that I hadn’t thrown up on my duvet. Regardless, admitting the truth to her in the morning would be no less painful or raw. Better to just get it over with while I was already a hot mess. I needed to talk. And she was the only one I could confide in right now.

“Liam is…” I stopped speaking. How could I say the words to her? She hated Liam based solely on his clothes and surly attitude. Both of which I found sexy as hell. I didn’t want to give her any other reasons to hate him.

“Liam is what?” Mom grabbed my hand. “Tell me what’s going on. You’re scaring me.”

“Don’t freak out.” I sat up and squeezed her hand, begging her with my eyes not to make this any worse than it already was. “I found out tonight that Liam is Declan’s stepbrother.”

Mom shot off the bed. “What?” Her hands framed her face, and she paced the floor. “How can that be? How did you not know this?” She turned toward me, her expression one of disgust and accusation.

I bit my bottom lip, my stomach clenching with the pain of Liam’s betrayal. He knew my grief, my loss, and my fears… and yet he still let me fall for him. I should hate him. But even though he’d lied to me, I couldn’t hate him. I wanted to protect him from my mother’s judgment, and that confused the hell out of me.

“He was afraid to tell me, and I never suspected the truth. Why would I? Liam’s not from around here, so not even my friends knew who he really was. And he has a different last name. There was no way I would have made the connection. I never even watched or read the news after Sam died.” I took in a shaky breath.

“Declan’s family wasn’t mentioned in any of the articles or stories,” Mom said quietly. “We knew his parents’ names, but your father didn’t want to press charges against the family. That wasn’t going to bring Sam back, it would have just prolonged the grieving. For everyone.”

My mother worried her fingers together, quiet for once, as she stared off into the dark corners of my room.

“I saw Declan’s picture at his house. That’s when the truth came out. I don’t think he ever wanted me to know.” My words trailed off into the charged air between us. I watched my mom process my confession.

She stood ramrod straight and then sank onto the bed in a heap. “I know I’ve asked a lot of you since Sam died.” She pressed her fist to her mouth, her eyes blinking rapidly. “It’s just that I needed you to not fall apart because I didn’t have the strength to hold all of us together. It took every ounce of my energy to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. And your father—”

I nodded, another tear running down my face. This was the most she’d ever said to me about her grief.

“Your dad’s heart broke in half when Sam died. It almost destroyed him, and I’m worried that the cancer just might…” She paused, unable to finish her thought. I didn’t want her to. I worried about it enough for the both of us. “We’re what’s keeping him going while he gets his treatments. You know that, right?” Mom brushed her own tears away with a trembling hand. She was failing, for the first time, to keep herself in check.

“I know, Mom.” I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on top of my knees. Seeing her falling apart gave me the push I needed to swallow down my own feelings. One of us had to be strong.

“I have to ask you this, Alexis. I have to beg you for this.” She folded her still trembling hands in her lap. “I need you to stop seeing that boy. His brother killed Sam. And if your father knew that, if he saw you with him, he’d be constantly reminded of what has been taken from us. It would…” She didn’t finish, but she didn’t need to. I knew what she meant.
It would destroy him.

“Mom—” I tried to stop her, to calm her, but she cut me off.

“Let me finish.” She held up her hand. “We have to protect your father right now. I need you to do whatever you can to keep stress out of his life so he can get better. He’s suffered enough at the hands of Declan Murphy.” A sob broke free from her pursed lips.

I crawled across the bed and wrapped my arms around her. “Dad is my priority right now. I promise you.” That’s all I could manage to say. I couldn’t promise to stop my feelings for Liam because as hurt as I was, my heart had a mind of its own. But I was also determined to do whatever I could to help my dad get better. To protect him.

“Thank you,” she croaked out. She allowed me to hug her, and for the first time in my life, we cried together. We shed tears for Sam, for Dad, and for ourselves. We cried for everything that could have been but was stolen from us in one night of drunken stupidity.

I had no idea just how much life could suck.

***

On my second day of college, I found out why so many people were addicted to coffee. I had stayed up late talking to Taren and Julie, texting Liam, and enjoying my first taste of freedom. Then I had tossed and turned all night thinking about my dad. When we went to the cafeteria the next morning, I watched Julie dump vanilla-flavored creamer into a steaming mug of coffee, and it smelled fantastic.

I made one for myself, and that first sip was warm and delicious. It was the jolt of caffeine, though, that was the final nail in the coffin of my newfound addiction. Soda was never that powerful, and coffee had been my best friend ever since.

The morning after Liam’s secret was revealed, I needed my bestie more than ever. I poured a huge mug, added a generous amount of creamer, and picked up the handwritten note on the kitchen table.

Dad and I are at church. We wanted to let you sleep. We’ll drive you back to school after lunch.

Love, Mom

My shoulders relaxed knowing I’d have the morning to myself to regroup. I needed that reprieve. I needed to make sure I could act normal in front of my dad and not let anything about Liam and Declan slip out. If I was going to protect my dad from Liam’s secret, I was going to do it right.

I couldn’t go to church and give thanks right now. If I set foot in God’s house today, I was more likely to scream, curse, and demand answers that I would never get.

Are you angry too, Sam? Help me to understand all of this. I’m so confused.

The doorbell rang, and my stomach turned. I couldn’t think of anyone other than Liam who would come to see me right now.

I was still in the same jeans and shirt I wore the night before. I swiped my thumb under each eye, wiping away any mascara or eyeliner remnants. I wasn’t sure why I bothered since the last glance I had made in the mirror this morning proved I was a disaster.

I opened the door, and Liam jerked back in surprise. Was he expecting my mom? Or was he thinking I would leave him standing out there?

He looked as bad as I felt. His hair was wild and unkempt. His clothes, also the same as the ones he wore last night, were wrinkled. His face was pale, almost gray, and under his green eyes were dark circles.

“Lex, thank God. I’m so glad you answered, baby.” Each word he spoke was raw and full of pain. I felt the same way.

“We should talk.” I motioned to the swing on my front porch. “My parents are going to be home from church soon.” My words were laced with sadness. Liam’s face fell as he listened to me, but he nodded and followed me to the swing.

He sat next to me, turning his body to face mine. “You mean so much to me, Lex. You know that. I care about you more than I’ve cared about anyone in my entire life.” His eyes searched mine. “I know I should have told you about Declan, but I… I was too fucking scared.”

“I understand,” I said in a quiet voice.

Hope flared in his green eyes. “I know I can’t change what happened, but I will do anything to prove you can trust me. Please forgive me.” He reached for my hands, but I pulled them away, folding them in my lap. He clenched his jaw and looked away, his eyes focusing on the stone wall over my shoulder.

“I didn’t sleep at all last night,” I said. Liam turned back to me, locking his eyes with mine. “I laid awake thinking about everything. About us.” He nodded, his hands fisted by his sides. “I don’t know much anymore, but I do know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

Liam blew out a breath. “Thank God.” He dragged his hands down his face. “I was so worried—”

“But we can’t be together.” I cut him off. His head dropped, and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. “You will always be important to me. You’re my first… everything. But you lied to me. And now that I know the truth… we can’t overcome that.”

He groaned in frustration. “Yes, we can. Lex, I swear we can get past this. I promise we can.” He sat with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped so tightly together that his knuckles were white. “Please.” He was looking up at me with such a tortured expression that my heart was ripping itself in two. One half for my family, one half for him.

I shook my head. I would protect my family, no matter the cost. I couldn’t ask them to accept this. Not now. “Your brother and my sister… that truth will always be there. I just… you would be a reminder of what my family lost. We can’t be together, Liam. It’s not possible. I can’t do that to my parents, especially not when they are dealing with my dad’s illness.”

His expression crumbled. If I had stabbed him in the chest, I don’t think it would have hurt him as much as my words did. My heart, hell, my whole body ached from my words, and I wanted nothing more than to give in to him. I wanted to curl up in his arms and kiss and touch him. I wanted to love him and let him love me. I wanted to run away with him and pretend none of this had ever happened. I wished that he was just Liam, and I was just Lex, and there were no dead siblings, no grieving parents, and no battles against cancer.

But that was impossible. My family was ruined by his brother. I couldn’t see how Liam and I could survive that fact. I couldn’t imagine hurting my parents even more than they already were. If I had to sacrifice my happiness to give them a chance to survive the shitty hand of fate we’d been dealt, I would. I had to. Declan had killed my sister. I couldn’t let his memory destroy my parents too.

“No.” Liam grabbed my hands in his. “Don’t say that. We’re not over.”

I hated hurting Liam, but I couldn’t drag this breakup out in a slow torture. It wasn’t fair to him to let him think there was still hope. He meant too much to me. I wouldn’t lead him on.

“Dating you would be like rubbing salt in my parents’ wounds.” I hated saying those words—even if he never told me about Declan, Liam shouldn’t have to be responsible for his stepbrother’s actions. And yet… “You would be a constant reminder of what he took away from us.”

Liam shook his head furiously, a tortured sound coming from deep in his chest.

A lump formed in my throat, making it hard to speak. “I have to protect the family that I still have. Please understand that, Liam.” The words sliced me open. I didn’t want to say good-bye to him, but distance was the only answer. If I saw him again, I wouldn’t be able to stay strong. I would want him. And I would end up hurting my parents and betraying my sister’s memory.

Liam slid off the swing and sank onto the porch in front of me, his forehead resting on my knee. His large body shook, and I knew he was crying. Tears streamed down my face, and I had to swallow back my nausea, force myself to make a clean break no matter how much I didn’t want it.

I stood up, and he looked at me from his position on the ground, on his knees, his face carved by pain. “We both have to move on.”

Without another word I forced myself to walk away. I denied myself a final look back. I shut the front door behind me and at the same time closed off what remained of my heart. As I stood on the other side of the door, I realized just how true the words
break up
were. At that moment, my heart, my life, my happiness were all broken, and it felt a little like death had visited again. Strange how my heart could keep fighting when it was so utterly mangled time and time again.