The Colour of Milk (2 page)

and some say mother was sick that summer and she was still working in the fields and she had this lump which was me and she couldn’t very well bend down cos i was in the way.

and they say that my leg was twisted round underneath me and it ain’t never been right since.

when i was a baby they tied it to some piece of wood to straighten it only it rubbed and there was blood and i screamed till they took it off and let my leg go in the way it wanted to.

and so that is the way i am.

i got in to the three acre and my sisters were there the three of them. there was beatrice and there was violet and there was hope. and i took my bucket and i started doing the same as they was doing which was bending down and picking up stones and putting them in the buckets till they was full then going to the cart to tip them in.

and as i was working the sun was shining and for the first time since the winter i could feel it on my back and the birds felt it too cos they started making a racket and it was so loud i could hardly hear the sound of the stones hitting the metal buckets and then i thought o well father might be like he is but here we are on a day like this and how can i hang on to being that cross. and then i started to feel it again where the sun is in my legs and it crawls up and goes in to my body and then it comes out in my head.

that night i thought i was gonna sleep like as if i was dead cos i was tired and my leg was aching but i no sooner dropped off as i was awake again and my eyes was open and i could not sleep.

the moon was bright and came in the room and for that i could see.

beatrice lay next to me and though she was asleep she still held her bible in one hand. i could hear her breathing. in and out.

most of the time in bed she has the bible in her hands and sometimes she opens it and turns the pages and she moves her head and her eyes from side to side only she can’t read.

that is because father needs us here on the farm to do the work and he can not afford for us to be away at a school learning things which we would not be able to use for who needs to learn to read words and write them down when they are picking up stones from the earth and putting them in buckets. and taking milk from the cows and putting it in buckets.

beatrice stopped breathing and then made a loud sigh and she turned in the bed and her hand opened and her bible slipped out and banged down on to the wooden floor. only she didn’t wake up. i didn’t wake up on account of that i was already awake.

i have shared beds with all my sisters at different times and they are all problems. beatrice has to hold the bible and when you are trying to sleep she prays. violet is very long in the bed and is always saying that her feet are cold for they do stick out of the end and when she bends to pick up stones or potatoes she says it hurts her back for she has further to bend. and she has sharp elbows. and hope is filthy of temper and she will do all she can to take the covers and make me cold and she says she does it in her sleep but i know she is awake and doing it for the on purpose of it.

so beatrice made a sigh and dropped her bible and i was awake. so i got out of the bed and picked up the bible and i made sure that the dead nettle which she had dried and made flat between the pages was in there. and i put it on the top of the bed again for i know that if she wakes and her hands are empty of it then she will feel the devil has a hold of her collar.

i went to the window and pulled aside the blanket that is nailed to the frame. the moon was out and was lighting up the outside bright enough for there to be shadows like there are in the day when the sun is out. the cow was lying down in the home field and i could see the black and white patterns in her coat. and i went from the window and i pulled on my skirt and put my shawl over my shoulders. and i went out of the room.

i went down the stairs so quiet for that i was careful my bad leg did not bang on the steps for if i woke up father he would not be happy with me. i put on my boots and went through the kitchen and then the scullery which stunk of the new cheese and it stunk of milk too for cheese is only hard milk and i went out of the door in to the night.

and outside was cold and i should have taken a blanket to put on my shoulders only it was too late. and i went through the yard and i climbed the gate and went in to the home field and there was a ground frost for in the light of the moon the grass was silver. and the cow watched me and she did not move for she is the house cow and for that she is used to people and i think she even likes it when she has company. and so i walked up to her and she let me kneel down by her and lean against her and she was warm and i should have stayed there. and i wish i did stay there but i never.

the house was a black shape in the night. i could see the roof and the chimneys of which there are two but we only ever use one. and i could see where the windows were though i could not see glass but black shapes like there were holes in the brick.

there was windows upstairs and i could see the one which was my bedroom where i had just been looking out from. then there was another window next to it what is where violet and hope sleep. and there is another window what is where father and mother sleep. and there is another room what has a window but i can’t see it for it is at the front of the house and that is where my grandfather used to sleep only now he can’t get up the stairs on account of his legs so he sleeps in the downstairs room where we keep the apples and that is why the house smells of apples and grandfather smells of apples.

i left the cow lying there in the dark and i went back round the side of the home field and past the sleeping hens and over the gate and in to the yard. i do not know where i did think i was going only that i was having a look.

the air was still cold and i was starting to think that i needed to go back in and get in to bed. but the next thing i saw was a person going round the side of the barn. i thought it was someone in the yard taking some hay what was ours and wasn’t theirs so i thought i would follow and see who it was so i could tell father.

i walked round the back where the barn was open to the field and the moon lit it up and i was careful not to make any noise. i stood still and was quieter than the church when it is empty. then i saw there wasn’t just one person. there was two.

i waited. then i could hear a man’s voice.

do they know you’re here? he asked.

no.

o, violet, he said. come here.

i stopped breathing and didn’t dare move.

and then i saw her and then their mouths were touching and his arms were round her. i could hear my heart. and then his hands were on her skirt and he was pulling it up and then he pushed her down on to the hay and they were lying down and he pulled up her skirt more and i could see her legs which were white and his hand was moving up her leg and under her skirt and he said o, violet again.

and he was making a noise like a calf when it looks for the teat and then she said summat.

o no, she said. you can’t do that.

i can, he said.

and his mouth was on hers and then he was pulling down her bodice and she never takes it off not even when she is in the bed. and i could see the soft parts of her.

he pulled her legs apart and they were o so white in the dark night and he climbed on her and started to move and that is when i closed my eyes. and after not a long time the noises stopped and i heard him speak.

violet, he said.

i opened my eyes and i saw him kiss her and then she pulled on her bodice and pulled down her skirt. and he took some hay out from her hair and she said she had to go.

and so she kissed him and i stepped back in to the deep shadows and she left the barn and walked back through the yard.

and he stayed there a while then he pulled his clothes in to order and brushed himself down to get rid of the hay and then he left the barn and i watched him go out of the yard and walk up the lane.

i went back across the yard and over the gate in to the home field. the cow was still lying there. i sat on the cold ground by her and leaned back in to her flank and i could smell her milk and the shit on her tail.

i sat there and waited for my heart to slow down. and the grass was hard and silver with the frost.

i lifted up my skirt and looked down at my legs lying there on the grass. they was white in the light of the moon. i put my hand down and touched my own skin and then pushed my skirt back down and pulled my legs up to my chin.

i sat there a while with my arms wrapped tight around me, till i got so cold my teeth were talking to their selves so i got up and went back in to the house.

there is summat you must know.

i write this with my own hand in this year of the lord eighteen hundred and thirty one and i am proud that it is with my own hand i write it.

you will see why.

i told my self i would tell you everything that happened. i said i would say it all but i ain’t done that. i ain’t been true.

you see when i sat on the ground by the cow and i lifted my skirt and looked down at my legs lying there in the grass, i put my hand down there and i touched me in that place.

next morning beatrice had to shake me to get me up and it was still dark and it was cold and i pulled on my skirts and shawl and went down the stairs and out to the cows. i hollered them in and got the stool and lined up the tin bucket. the house cow was my first but then she always is and i leaned my head in to her as i pulled and my hands were kept warm by the teats. and the milk came easy.

violet was next to me on her stool and she was yawning and it was then i remembered what happened in the night. but then i thought maybe it was a dream and maybe it didn’t happen but then she yawned again and i knew it was true.

and the milk hit the side of the tin buckets.

violet, i said. did you sleep well?

she stopped milking and looked round at me. why d’you ask?

i shrugged. wondered, i said.

well wonder summat else.

i carried on milking but i couldn’t hear nothing going in to her bucket. i turned round again and she was still looking at me.

fingers not working? i asked.

brain not working? she asked.

i hit my self on the head. seems to be working fine, i said.

violet stood up and moved her stool to the other side of her cow so she couldn’t see me and i leaned on in and pulled harder on the teats and tried to think only of that and not how she’d lain there in the hay and he’d pulled her skirt up and the look of her legs pale in the light of the moon.

that same day the sheep needed moving up to the field by the church what is called church field so i was told to go and help.

hope was the one what went ahead and shut the gates so the sheep didn’t go in the gardens. i was the one what followed behind and opened all the gates what we had just shut. it’s better to be the one what goes first and shuts gates cos when you follow you have to walk in the shit.

we went along the lane and up in to the village. we went past all the houses and hope opened the gate in to the church field and stood there to send them through. and the sheep went in. and we closed the gate in to the field.

we stood by the gate and from there we could see the church and we could see the roof of the church house what is called the vicarage and then we saw him come out and he stood and looked at us. he is the son what lives there and is called ralph.

he came to ask us if violet was with us. and we said no she was down doing more of the stones in the three acre and we had to get back to do it. then i asked why he wanted to see her.

ralph shrugged. because i do.

you been down to see her? i asked.

not with your father there, he said. i know better than that.

so you didn’t go down there last night?

what are you talking about? he asked. he was staring at me and i could see hope was staring at me and all.

yes, hope said, what are you talking about?

nothing, i said.

she’s like that, hope said to ralph. she don’t know nothing.

what are you doing? ralph asked.

we brought the sheep up, hope said.

i guessed that, ralph said. he was looking at the lane and pointing at the shit.

hope laughed. she tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled.

come on, hope, i said. father’ll be watching for us.

don’t listen to her, hope said. where you going now?

don’t know, ralph said. it depends upon where you’re going. what’s your name? there are so many of you girls.

hope, hope said.

hope, ralph said slowly.

i pulled on hope’s elbow and she pushed me away. go home, she said.

what about father? i asked.

tell him i’m sorting one of the sheep.

he won’t believe me, i said.

she never stops, hope said. drives me mad.

she turned to me and grabbed my arm. she pinched me. hard.

get back home, she said.

ow.

ow what? she pushed me and i staggered forward.

go on, she hissed. go home.

i walked back down the lane to the farm. past the ten acre and the three acre, then in the yard.

father stood by the pig. he watched me walk in. where’s hope? he asked.

she stayed to sort out a sheep, i said.

and then even though i moved cos i knew what was coming he clipped the side of my head so fast and quick there wasn’t nothing anyone could’ve done.

get out to the field, he said.

violet was out there and she was rubbing her back cos it hurt but that is what occurs when you are that tall. and beatrice was throwing each and every stone in to her bucket even though it was right in front of her for she liked the sound of the stone on the metal. she was singing a song what she’d heard while she was in church hoping for a glimpse of god.

the birds came down to see what we was doing but saw we wasn’t planting seeds and they soon left.

my head hurt a bit where he hit me but i was in the sun and the sun was warm on my back and soon i forgot what father done and i forgot everything except being there in the sun and hearing the birds and we started to sing the three of us as we picked up the stones.