The Complete Dramatic Works (34 page)

MRS ROONEY:
Yes, let us all do that. [
Pause.
]
No? [
Pause.
] You have changed your mind? [
Pause.
]
I
quite agree, we are better here, in the shadow of the waiting-room.

MR BARRELL:
Excuse me a moment.

MRS ROONEY:
Before you slink away, Mr Barrell, please, a statement of some kind, I insist. Even
the slowest train on this brief line is not ten minutes and more behind its scheduled
time without good cause, one imagines. [
Pause.
] We all know your station is the best kept of the entire
network
,
but there are times when that is not enough, just not enough. [
Pause.
]
Now, Mr Barrell, leave off chewing your whiskers, we are waiting to hear from you–we
the
unfortunate
ticket-holders’ nearest if not dearest.

[
Pause.
]

MR TYLER:
[
Reasonably.
]
I do think we are owed some kind of explanation, Mr Barrell, if only to set our minds
at rest.

MR BARRELL:
I know nothing. All I know is there has been a hitch. All traffic is retarded.

MRS ROONEY:
[
Derisively.
]
Retarded! A hitch! Ah these
celibates
! Here we are eating our hearts out with anxiety for our loved ones and he calls that
a hitch! Those of us like myself with heart and kidney trouble may collapse at any
moment and he calls that a hitch! In our ovens the
Saturday
roast is burning to a shrivel and he calls that–

MR TYLER:
Here comes Tommy, running! I am glad I have been spared to see this.

TOMMY:
[
Excitedly,
in
the
distance.
]
She’s coming. [
Pause.
Nearer.
]
She’s at the level-crossing!

[
Immediately
exaggerated
station
sounds.
Falling
signals.
Bells.
Whistles.
Crescendo
of
train
whistle
approaching.
Sound
of
train
rushing
through
station.
]

MRS ROONEY:
[
Above
rush
of
train.
]
The up mail! The up mail! [
The
up
mail
recedes,
the
down
train
approaches,
enters
the
station,
pulls
up
with
great
hissing
of
steam
and
clashing
of
couplings.
Noise
of
passengers
descending,
doors
banging,
MR BARRELL
shouting
“Boghill!
Boghill!
”,
etc.
Piercingly.
] Dan! … Are you all right? … Where is he? … Dan! … Did you see my husband? … Dan!
… [
Noise
of
station
emptying.
Guard’s
whistle.
Train
departing,
receding.
Silence.
]
He isn’t on it! The misery I have endured to get here, and he isn’t on it! … Mr Barrell!
… Was he not on it? [
Pause.
]
Is anything the matter, you look as if you had seen a ghost. [
Pause.
]
Tommy! … Did you see the master?

TOMMY:
He’ll be along, Ma’am, Jerry is minding him.

[
MR ROONEY
suddenly
appears
on
platform,
advancing
on
small
boy
JERRY
’s
arm.
He
is
blind,
thumps
the
ground
with
his
stick
and
pants
incessantly.
]

MRS ROONEY:
Oh, Dan! There you are! [
Her
dragging
feet
as
she
hastens
towards
him,
She
reaches
him.
They
halt.
]
Where in the world were you?

MR ROONEY:
[
Coolly.
]
Maddy.

MRS ROONEY:
Where were you all this time?

MR ROONEY:
In the men’s.

MRS ROONEY:
Kiss me!

MR ROONEY:
Kiss you? In public? On the platform? Before the boy? Have you taken leave of your
senses?

MRS ROONEY:
Jerry wouldn’t mind. Would you, Jerry?

JERRY:
No, Ma’am.

MRS ROONEY:
How is your poor father?

JERRY:
They took him away, Ma’am.

MRS ROONEY:
Then you are all alone?

JERRY:
Yes, Ma’am.

MR ROONEY:
Why are you here? You did not notify me.

MRS ROONEY:
I wanted to give you a surprise. For your birthday.

MR ROONEY:
My birthday?

MRS ROONEY:
Don’t you remember? I wished you your happy returns in the bathroom.

MR ROONEY:
I did not hear you.

MRS ROONEY:
But I gave you a tie! You have it on!

[
Pause.
]

MR ROONEY:
How old am I now?

MRS ROONEY:
Now never mind about that. Come.

MR ROONEY:
Why did you not cancel the boy? Now we shall have to give him a penny.

MRS ROONEY:
[
Miserably.
]
I forgot! I had such a time getting here! Such horrid nasty people! [
Pause.
Pleading.
]
Be nice to me, Dan, be nice to me today!

MR ROONEY:
Give the boy a penny.

MRS ROONEY:
Here are two halfpennies, Jerry. Run along now and buy yourself a nice gobstopper.

JERRY:
Yes, Ma’am.

MR ROONEY:
Come for me on Monday, if I am still alive. 

JERRY:
Yessir.

[
He
runs
off.
]

MR ROONEY:
We could have saved sixpence. We have saved fivepence. [
Pause.
]
But at what cost?

[
They
move
off
along
platform
arm
in
arm.
Dragging
feet
,
panting,
thudding
stick.
]

MRS ROONEY:
Are you not well?

[
They
halt,
on
MR ROONEY
’
s
initiative.
]

MR ROONEY:
Once and for all, do not ask me to speak and move at the same time. I shall not say
this in this life again.

[
They
move
off.
Dragging
feet,
etc.
They
halt
at
top
of
steps.
]

MRS ROONEY:
Are you not–

MR ROONEY:
Let us get this precipice over.

MRS ROONEY:
Put your arm around me.

MR ROONEY:
Have you been drinking again? [
Pause.
]
You are quivering like a blancmange. [
Pause.
]
Are you in a condition to lead me? [
Pause.
] We shall fall into the ditch.

MRS ROONEY:
Oh, Dan! It will be like old times!

MR ROONEY:
Pull yourself together or I shall send Tommy for the cab. Then instead of having
saved sixpence, no,
fivepence
, we shall have lost … [
Calculating
mumble.
] … two and three less six one and no plus one one and no plus three one and nine
and one ten and three two and one … [
Normal
voice.
]
two and one, we shall be the poorer to the tune of two and one. [
Pause.
]
Curse that sun, it has gone in. What is the day doing?

[
Wind.
]

MRS ROONEY:
Shrouding, shrouding, the best of it is past. [
Pause
.]
Soon the first great drops will fall splashing in the dust.

MR ROONEY:
And yet the glass was firm. [
Pause.
]
Let us hasten home and sit before the fire. We shall draw the blinds. You will read
to me. I think Effie is going to commit adultery with the Major. [
Brief
drag
of
feet
.]
Wait! [
Feet
cease.
Stick
tapping
at
steps.
]
I have been up and down these steps five thousand times and still I do not know how
many there are. When I think there are six there are four or five or seven or eight
and when I remember there are five there three or four or six or seven and when finally
I realize there are seven there are five or six or eight or nine. Sometimes I wonder
if they do not change them in the night. [
Pause.
Irritably.
]
Well? How many do you make them today?

MRS ROONEY:
Do not ask me to count, Dan, not now.

MR ROONEY:
Not count! One of the few satisfactions in life!

MRS ROONEY:
Not steps, Dan, please, I always get them wrong. Then you might fall on your wound
and I would have that on my manure-heap on top of everything else. No, just cling
to me and all will be well.

[
Confused
noise
of
their
descent.
Panting,
stumbling,
ejaculations,
curses.
Silence.
]

MR ROONEY:
Well! That is what you call well!

MRS ROONEY:
We are down. And little the worse. [
Silence.
A
donkey
brays.
Silence.
]
That was a true donkey. Its father and mother were donkeys.

[
Silence.
]

MR ROONEY:
Do you know what it is, I think I shall retire.

MRS ROONEY:
[
Appalled.
]
Retire! And live at home? On your grant!

MR ROONEY:
Never tread these cursed steps again. Trudge this hellish road for the last time.
Sit at home on the remnants of my bottom counting the hours–till the next meal. [
Pause.
]
The very thought puts life in me! Forward, before it dies!

[
They
move
on.
Dragging
feet,
panting,
thudding
stick.
]

MRS ROONEY:
Now mind, here is the path…. Up!… Well done! Now we are in safety and a straight
run home.

MR ROONEY:
[
Without
halting,
between
gasps.
]
A
straight… run! … She calls that … a straight … run! …

MRS ROONEY:
Hush! Do not speak as you go along, you know it is not good for your coronary. [
Dragging
steps,
etc.
] Just concentrate on putting one foot before the next or whatever the expression
is. [
Dragging
feet,
etc.
]
That is the way, now we are doing nicely. [
Dragging
feet,
etc.
They
suddenly
halt,
on
MRS ROONEY
’
s
initiative.
] Heavens! I knew there was something! With all the
excitement
! I forgot!

MR ROONEY:
[
Quietly.
]
Good God!

MRS ROONEY:
But you must know, Dan, of course, you were on it. Whatever happened? Tell me!

MR ROONEY:
I have never known anything to happen.

MRS ROONEY:
But you must–

MR ROONEY:
[
Violently.
]
All this stopping and starting again is devilish, devilish! I get a little way on
me and begin to be carried along when suddenly you stop dead! Two hundred pounds of
unhealthy fat! What possessed you to come out at all? Let go of me!

MRS ROONEY:
[
In
great
agitation.
]
No, I must know, we won’t stir from here till you tell me. Fifteen minutes late!
On a thirty minute run! It’s unheard of!

MR ROONEY:
I know nothing. Let go of me before I shake you off.

MRS ROONEY:
But you must know! You were on it! Was it at the terminus? Did you leave on time?
Or was it on the line? [
Pause.
]
Did something happen on the line? [
Pause.
] Dan! [
Brokenly.
]
Why won’t you tell me!

[
Silence.
They
move
off.
Dragging
feet
,
etc.
They
halt.
Pause.
]

MR ROONEY:
Poor Maddy! [
Pause.
Children’s
cries.
]
What was that?