The Complete Malazan Book of the Fallen (1165 page)

They would wince at their own wounds, reminded of the gaps in their own lines, and they would feel like shadows cast by something greater than anything they had known before. There was a name for this, she knew. Atri-Ceda Aranict pulled again on the stick, mindful of the bright swimming glow hovering before her face.

Some scholar once likened this to the mastery fire and all it symbolized. Huh. Some scholar was working hard to justify her habit. Stupid woman. It's yours, so just revel in it and when it comes to justifying what you do, keep your mouth shut. Philosophy, really.

Ask a soldier. A soldier knows all about smoke. And what's in and what's out, and what's the fucking difference in the end.

The Letherii had comported themselves with honour on that horrid field of battle. They had distracted the enemy. They had with blood and pain successfully effected the Malazan withdrawal –
no, let's call it what it was, a rout. Once the signals sounded, the impossible iron wall became a thing of reeds, torn loose and whipped back on the savage wind.

Even so.
Letherii soldiers walked out at dusk, or in the moments before dawn, right out to the camp's edge, and they looked across the empty expanse of scrub to the Malazans. They weren't thinking of routs, or withdrawals. They were thinking of all that had gone before that.

And there was a word for what they felt.

Humility.

‘My dear.' He had come up behind her, soft-footed, as uncertain as a child.

Aranict sighed. ‘I am forgetting how to sleep.'

Brys Beddict came up to stand at her side. ‘Yes. I awoke and felt your absence, and it made me think.'

Once, she had been nervous before this man. Once, she had imagined illicit scenes, the way a person might conjure up wishes they knew could never be filled. Now, her vanishing from his bed wakened him to unease.
A few days, and the world changes.
‘Think of what?'

‘I don't know if I should say.'

The tone was rueful. She filled her lungs with smoke, eased it back out slowly. ‘I'd wager it's too late for that, Brys.'

‘I have never been in love before. Not like this. I have never before felt so…helpless. As if, without my even noticing, I gave you all my power.'

‘All the children's stories never talked about that,' Aranict said after a moment. ‘The prince and the princess, each heroic and strong, equals in the grand love they win. The tale ends in mutual admiration.'

‘That tastes a tad sour.'

‘That taste is of self-congratulation,' she said. ‘Those tales are all about narcissism. The sleight of hand lies in the hero's mirror image – a princess for a prince, a prince for a princess – but in truth it's all one. It's nobility's love for itself. Heroes win the most beautiful lovers, it's the reward for their bravery and virtue.'

‘And those lovers are naught but mirrors?'

‘Shiny silver ones.'

She felt him watching her.

‘But,' he said after a few moments, ‘it's not that even a thing, is it? You are not my mirror, Aranict. You are something
other.
I am not reflected in you, just as you are not reflected in me. So what is this that we have found here, and why do I find myself on my knees before it?'

The stick's end glowed like a newborn sun, only to ebb in its instant of life. ‘How should I know, Brys? It is as if I stand facing you from an angle no one else can find, and when I'm there nothing rises between us – a trick of the light and your fortifications vanish. So you feel vulnerable.'

He grunted. ‘But it is not that way with Tehol and Janath.'

‘Yes, I have heard about them, and it seems to me that no matter which way each faces, he or she faces the other. He is her king and she is his queen, and everything else just follows on from there. It is the rarest of loves, I should think.'

‘But it is not ours, is it, Aranict?'

She said nothing.
How can I? I feel swollen, as if I have swallowed you alive, Brys. I walk with the weight of you inside me, and I have never before felt anything like this.
She flicked the stick-end away. ‘You worry too much, Brys. I am your lover. Leave it at that.'

‘You are also my Atri-Ceda.'

She smiled in the darkness. ‘And that, Brys, is what brought
me
out here.'

‘Why?'

‘Something hides. It's all around us, subtle as smoke. It has manifested only once thus far, and that was at the battle, among the Malazans – at the place where the Adjunct fell unconscious. There is a hidden hand in all of this, Brys, and I don't trust it.'

‘Where the Adjunct fell? But Aranict, what happened there saved Tavore's life, and quite possibly the lives of the rest of the Bonehunters. The Nah'ruk
reeled
from that place.'

‘Yet still I fear it,' she insisted, plucking out another rustleaf stick. ‘Allies should show themselves.' She drew out the small silver box containing the resin sparker. The night wind defeated her efforts to scrape a flame to life, so she stepped close against Brys and tried again.

‘Allies,' he said, ‘have their own enemies. Showing themselves imposes a risk, I imagine.'

A flicker of flame and then the stick was alight. She took a half-step back. ‘I think that's a valid observation. Well, I suppose we always suspected that the Adjunct's war wasn't a private one.'

‘No matter how she might wish it so,' he said, with something like grudging respect.

‘Tomorrow's parley could prove most frustrating,' Aranict observed, ‘if she refuses to relent. We need to know what she knows. We need to understand what she seeks. More than all that, we need to make sense of what happened the day of the Nah'ruk.'

He reached up, surprised her by brushing her cheek, and then leaning closer and kissing her. She laughed deep in her throat. ‘Danger is a most alluring drug, isn't it, Brys?'

‘Yes,' he whispered, but then stepped back. ‘I will walk the perimeter now, Atri-Ceda, to witness the dawn with my soldiers. Will you be rested enough for the parley?'

‘More or less.'

‘Good. Until later, then.'

She watched him walk away.
Errant take me, he just climbed back out.

 

‘When it's stretched it stays stretched,' Hanavat said in a grumble. ‘What's the point?'

Shelemasa continued rubbing the oil into the woman's distended belly. ‘The point is, it feels good.'

‘Well, I'll grant you that, though I imagine it's as much the attention as anything else.'

‘Exactly what men never understand,' the younger woman said, finally settling back and rubbing her hands together. ‘We have iron in our souls. How could we not?'

Hanavat glanced away, eyes tightening. ‘My last child,' she said. ‘My only child.'

To that Shelemasa was silent. The charge against the Nah'ruk had taken all of Hanavat's children.
All
of them.
But if that was cruel, it is nothing compared to sparing Gall. Where the mother bows, the father breaks. They are gone. He led them all to their deaths, yet he survived. Spirits, yours is the gift of madness.

The charge haunted Shelemasa as well. She had ridden through the lancing barrage of lightning, figures on either side erupting, bodies exploding, spraying her with sizzling gore. The screams of horses, the thunder of tumbling beasts, bones snapping – even now, that dread cauldron awakened again in her mind, a torrent of sounds pounding her ears from the inside out. She knelt in Hanavat's tent, trembling with the memories.

The older woman must have sensed something, for she reached out and settled a weathered hand on her thigh. ‘It goes,' she murmured. ‘I see it among all you survivors. The wave of remembrance, the horror in your eyes. But I tell you, it goes.'

‘For Gall, too?'

The hand seemed to flinch. ‘No. He is Warleader. It does not leave him. That charge is not in the past. He lives it again and again, every moment, day and night. I have lost him, Shelemasa. We have all lost him.'

Eight hundred and eighty warriors remained. She had stood among them, had wandered with them the wreckage of the retreat, and she had seen what she had seen.
Never again will we fight, not with the glory and joy of old. Our military effectiveness, as the Malazan scribes would say, has come to an end.
The Khundryl Burned Tears had been destroyed. Not a failure of courage. Something far worse.
We were made, in an instant, obsolete.
Nothing could break the spirit as utterly as that realization had done.

A new Warleader was needed, but she suspected no acclamation was forthcoming. The will was dead. There were no pieces left to pick up.

‘I will attend the parley,' said Hanavat, ‘and I want you with me, Shelemasa.'

‘Your husband—'

‘Is lying in his eldest son's tent. He takes no food, no water. He intends to waste away. Before long, we will burn his body on a pyre, but that will be nothing but a formality. My mourning has already begun.'

‘I know…' Shelemasa hesitated, ‘it was difficult between you. The rumours of his leanings—'

‘And that is the bitterest thing of all,' Hanavat cut in. ‘Gall, well, he leaned every which way. I long ago learned to accept that. What bites deepest now is we had found each other again. Before the charge. We were awakened to our love for one another. There was…there was happiness again. For a few moments.' She stopped then, for she was crying.

Shelemasa drew closer. ‘Tell me of the child within you, Hanavat. I have never been pregnant. Tell me how it feels. Are you filled up, is that how it is? Does it stir – I am told it will stir on occasion.'

Smiling through her grief, Hanavat said, ‘Ah, very well. How does it feel? Like I've just eaten a whole pig. Shall I go on?'

Shelemasa laughed, a short, unexpected laugh, and then nodded.
Tell me something good. To drown out the screams.

 

‘The children are asleep,' Jastara said, moving to settle down on her knees beside him. She studied his face. ‘I see how much of him came from you. Your eyes, your mouth—'

‘Be quiet, woman,' said Gall. ‘I will not lie with my son's widow.'

She pulled away. ‘Then lie with
someone
, for Hood's sake.'

He turned his head, stared at the tent wall.

‘Why are you here?' she demanded. ‘You come to my tent like the ghost of everything I have lost. Am I not haunted enough? What do you want with me? Look at me. I offer you my body – let us share our grief—'

‘Stop.'

She hissed under her breath.

‘I would you take a knife to me,' Gall said. ‘Do that, woman, and I will bless you with my last breath. A knife. Give me pain, be pleased to see how you hurt me. Do that, Jastara, in the name of my son.'

‘You selfish piece of dung, why should I indulge you? Get out. Find some other hole to hide in. Do you think your grandchildren are comforted seeing you this way?'

‘You are not Khundryl born,' he said. ‘You are Gilk. You understand nothing of our ways—'

‘The Khundryl were feared warriors. They still are. You need to stand again, Gall. You need to gather your ghosts – all of them – and save your people.'

‘We are not Wickans,' he whispered, reaching up to claw once more at his face.

She spat out a curse. ‘Gods below, do you really think Coltaine and his damned Wickans could have done better?'

‘He would have found a way.'

‘Fool. No wonder your wife sneers at you. No wonder all your lovers have turned away from you—'

‘Turned away? They're all dead.'

‘So find some more.'

‘Who would love a corpse?'

‘Now finally you have a point worth making, Warleader. Who would? The answer lies before me, a stupid old man. It's been five days. You are Warleader. Shake yourself awake, damn you—'

‘No. Tomorrow I will give my people into the Adjunct's care. The Khundryl Burned Tears are no more. It is done. I am done.'

The blade of a knife hovered before his eyes. ‘Is this what you want?'

‘Yes,' he whispered.

‘What should I cut first?'

‘You decide.'

The knife vanished. ‘I am Gilk, as you say. What do I know of mercy? Find your own way to Hood, Gall. The Wickans would have died, just as your warriors died. No different. Battles are lost. It is the world's way. But you still breathe. Gather up your people – they look to you.'

‘No longer. Never again will I lead warriors into battle.'

She snarled something incomprehensible, and moved off, leaving him alone.

He stared at the tent wall, listened to his own pointless breaths.
I know what this is. It is fear. For all my life it has waited for me, out in the cold night. I have done terrible things, and my punishment draws near. Please, hurry.

For this night, it is very cold, and it draws ever nearer.

SWEAT ENOUGH A MAN COULD DROWN IN
. HE SHIVERED BENEATH HIS
furs, something he did every night since the battle. Jolting awake, drenched, heart pounding. After-images behind his eyes. Keneb, in the instant before he was torn apart, twisting round in his saddle, fixing Blistig with a cold, knowing stare. Not ten paces away, their eyes locking. But that was impossible.
I know it's impossible. I was never even close. He didn't turn, didn't look back. Didn't see me. Couldn't.

Don't you howl at me from the dark, Keneb. Don't you stare. It was nothing to do with me. Leave me alone.

But this damned army didn't know how to break, understood nothing about routing before a superior enemy. Every soldier alone, that was what routing was all about. Instead, they
maintained order. ‘We're with you, Fist Blistig. See our boots pound. It's north we're going, is it? They ain't pursuing, sir, and that's a good thing – can't feel it no more, sir, you know: Hood's own breath, there on the back of my neck. Can't feel it. We're in good order, sir. Good order…'

‘Good order,' he whispered to the gloom in his tent. ‘We should be scattered to the winds. Finding our own ways back. To civilization. To sanity.'

The sweat was drying, or the scraped underside of the fur skin was soaking it all up. He was still chilled, sick to his stomach with fear.
What's happened to me? They stare. Out there in the darkness. They stare. Coltaine. Duiker. The thousands beyond Aren's wall. They stare, looking down on me from their crosses. And now Keneb, there on his horse. Ruthan Gudd. Quick Ben. The dead await me. They wonder why I am not with them. I should be with them.

They know I don't belong here.

Once, he'd been a fine soldier. A decent commander. Clever enough to preserve the lives of his garrison, the hero who saved Aren from the Whirlwind. But then the Adjunct arrived, and it all started to go wrong. She conscripted him, tore him away from Aren – they would have made him High Fist, the City's Protector. They would have given him a palace.

She stole my future. My life.

Malaz City was even worse. There, he'd been shown the empire's rotted core. Mallick Rel, the betrayer of Aren's legion, the murderer of Coltaine and Duiker and all the rest – no, there was no doubt about any of that. Yet there the Jhistal was, whispering in the Empress's ear, and his vengeance against the Wickans was not yet done.
And against us. You took us into that nest, Tavore, and more of us died. For all that you have done, I will never forgive you.

Standing before her filled him with bile. Every time, he almost trembled in his desire to take her by the throat, to crush that throat, to tell her what she'd done to him even as the light left those dead, flat eyes.

I was a good officer once. An honourable soldier.

Now I live in terror. What will she do to us next? Y'Ghatan wasn't enough. Malaz City wasn't enough. Nor Lether either, never enough. Nah'ruk? Not enough. Damn you, Tavore. I will die for a proper cause. But this?

He'd never before known such hate. Its poison filled him, and still the dead looked on, from their places in the wastes of Hood's realm.
Shall I kill her? Is that what you all want? Tell me!

The tent walls were lightening. This day, the parley. The Adjunct, Fists arrayed around her, the new ones, the lone surviving old one.
But who looks to me? Who walks a step behind me? Not Sort. Not Kindly. Not even Raband or Skanarow. No, the new Fists and their senior officers look right through me. I am already a ghost, already one of the forgotten. What have I done to deserve that?

Keneb was gone. Since Letheras, Keneb had to all intents and purposes been commanding the Bonehunters. Managing the march, keeping it supplied, maintaining discipline and organization. In short, doing everything. Some people possessed such skills.
Running a garrison was easy enough. We had a fat quartermaster who had a hand in every pocket, a smiling oaf with a sharp eye, and our suppliers surrounded us and whatever needed doing, why, it was just a written request away. Sometimes not even that, more a wink, a nod.

The patrols went out. They came back. Watches turned, gatekeepers maintained vigilance. We kept the peace and peace kept us happy.

But an army on the march was another matter. The logistics besieged him, staggered his brain. Too much to think about, too much to worry over.
Fine, we're now leaner – hah, what a sweet way of putting it. We're an army of regulars with a handful of heavies and marines. So, we're oversupplied, if such a thing even exists.

But it won't last. She wants us to cross the Wastelands – and what waits beyond them? Desert. Emptiness. No, hunger waits for us, no matter how heaped our wagons. Hunger and thirst.

I won't take that on. I won't. Don't ask.

But they wouldn't, would they? Because he wasn't Keneb.
I really have no reason to show up. I'm worse than Banaschar in that company. At least he's got the nerve to turn up drunk, to smile in the face of the Adjunct's displeasure. That's its own kind of courage.

Activity in the camp now, as dawn approached. Muted, few conversations, a torpid thing awakening to brutal truths, eyes blinking open, souls flinching.
We're the walking dead. What more do you want of us, Tavore?

Plenty. He knew it like teeth sinking into his chest.

Growling under his breath, he pulled aside the furs and sat up. A Fist's tent. All that room for nothing, for the damp air to wait around for his heroic rise, his gods-given brilliance. He dragged on his clothes, collected his chill leather boots and shook them to check for nesting scorpions and spiders and then forced his feet into them. He needed to take a piss.

I was a good officer once.

Fist Blistig slipped the tethers of the tent flap, and stepped outside.

 

Kindly looked round. ‘Captain Raband.'

‘Fist?'

‘Find me Pores.'

‘Master Sergeant Pores, sir?'

‘Or whatever rank he's decided on this morning, yes. You'll know him by his black eyes.' Kindly paused, ruminating, and then said, ‘Wish I knew who broke his nose. Deserves a medal.'

‘Yes sir. On my way, sir.'

He glanced over at the sound of boots drawing nearer. Fist Faradan Sort and, trailing a step behind her, Captain Skanarow. Neither woman looked happy. Kindly scowled. ‘Are those the faces you want to show your soldiers?'

Skanarow looked away guiltily, but Sort's eyes hardened to flint. ‘Your own soldiers are close to mutiny, Kindly – I can't believe you ordered—'

‘A kit inspection? Why not? Forced them all to scrape the shit out of their breeches, a bit of tidying that was long overdue.'

Faradan Sort was studying him. ‘It's not an act, is it?'

‘Some advice,' Kindly said. ‘The keep is on fire, the black stomach plague is killing the kitchen staff, the rats won't eat your supper and hearing the circus is in the yard your wife has oiled the hinges on the bedroom door. So I walk in and blister your ear about your scuffy boots. When I leave, what are you thinking about?'

Skanarow answered. ‘I'm thinking up inventive ways to kill you, sir.'

Kindly adjusted his weapon belt. ‘The sun has cracked the sky, my dears. Time for my constitutional morning walk.'

‘Want a few bodyguards, sir?'

‘Generous offer, Captain, but I will be fine. Oh, if Raband shows up with Pores any time soon, promote the good captain. Omnipotent Overseer of the Universe should suit. Ladies.'

 

Watching him walk off, Faradan Sort sighed and rubbed at her face. ‘All right,' she muttered, ‘the bastard has a point.'

‘That's why he's a bastard, sir.'

Sort glanced over. ‘Are you impugning a Fist's reputation, Captain?'

Skanarow straightened. ‘Absolutely not, Fist. I was stating a fact. Fist Kindly is a bastard, sir. He was one when he was captain, lieutenant, corporal, and seven-year-old bully. Sir.'

Faradan Sort studied Skanarow for a moment. She'd taken the death of Ruthan Gudd hard, hard enough to suggest to Sort that their relationship wasn't simply one of comrades, fellow officers. And now she was saying ‘sir' to someone who only days before had been a fellow captain.
Should I talk about it? Should I tell her it's as uncomfortable to me as it must be to her? Is there any point?
She was holding up, wasn't she? Behaving like a damned soldier.

And then there's Kindly. Fist Kindly, Hood help us all.

‘Constitutional,' she said. ‘Gods below. Now, I suppose it's time to meet my new soldiers.'

‘Regular infantry are simple folk, sir. They ain't got that wayward streak like the marines got. Should be no trouble at all.'

‘They broke in battle, Captain.'

‘They were ordered to, sir. And that's why they're still alive, mostly.'

‘I'm beginning to see another reason for Kindly's kit inspection. How many dropped their weapons, abandoned their shields?'

‘Parties have been out recovering items on the backtrail, sir.'

‘That's not the point,' said Sort. ‘They dropped weapons. Doing that is habit-forming. You're saying they'll be no trouble, Captain? Maybe not the kind you're thinking. It's the other kind of trouble that worries me.'

‘Understood, sir. Then we'd better shake them up.'

‘I think I'm about to become very unpleasant.'

‘A bastard?'

‘Wrong gender.'

‘Maybe so, sir, but it's still the right word.'

 

If he was still. If he struggled past the fumes and dregs of the past night's wine, and pushed away the ache in his head and sour taste on his tongue. If he held his breath, lying as one dead, in that perfect expression of surrender. Then, he could feel her. A stirring far beneath the earth's cracked, calloused skin.
The worm stirs, and you do indeed feel her, O priest. She is your gnawing guilt. She is your fevered shame, so flushing your face.

His goddess was drawing closer. A drawn out endeavour, to be sure. She had the meat of an entire world to chew through. Bones to crunch in her jaws, secrets to devour. But mountains groaned, tilting and shifting to her deep passage. Seas churned. Forests shook. The Worm of Autumn was coming.
‘Bless the falling leaves, bless the grey skies, bless this bitter wind and the beasts that sleep.' Yes, Holy Mother, I remember the prayers, the Restiturge of Pall. ‘And the weary blood shall feed the soil, their fleshly bodies cast down into your belly. And the Dark Winds of Autumn shall rush in hunger, snatching up their loosed souls. Caverns shall moan with their voices. The dead have turned their backs on the solid earth, the stone and the touch of the sky. Bless their onward journey, from which none return. The souls are nothing of value. Only the flesh feeds the living. Only the flesh. Bless our eyes, D'rek, for they are open. Bless our eyes, D'rek, for they see.'

He rolled on to his side. Poison comes to the flesh long before the soul ever leaves it. She was the cruel measurer of time. She was the face of inevitable decay. Was he not blessing her with every day of this life he'd made?

Banaschar coughed, slowly sat up. Invisible knuckles kneaded the inside of his skull. He knew they were in there, someone's fist trapped inside, someone wanting out.
Out of my head, aye. Who can blame them?

He looked round blearily. The scene was too civilized, he concluded. Somewhat sloppy, true, sly mutters of dissolution, a certain carelessness. But not a hint of madness. Not a single whisper of horror. Normal orderliness mocked him. The tasteless air, the pallid misery of dawn soaking through the tent walls, etching the silhouettes of insects: every detail howled its mundane truth.

But so many died. Only five days ago. Six. Six, now. I can still hear them. Pain, fury, all those fierce utterances of despair. If I step outside this morning, I should see them still. Those marines. Those heavies. Swarming against the face of the enemy's advance, but these hornets were fighting a losing battle – they'd met something nastier than them, and one by one they were crushed down, smeared into the earth.

And the Khundryl. Gods below, the poor Burned Tears.

Too civilized, this scene – the heaps of clothing, the dusty jugs lying abandoned and empty on the ground, the tramped-down grasses struggling in the absence of the sun's clear streams. Would light's life ever return, or were these grasses doomed now to wither and die? Each blade knew not. For now, there was nothing to do but suffer.

‘Be easy,' he muttered, ‘we move on. You will recover your free ways. You will feel the wind's breath again. I promise.'
Ah, Holy Mother, are these your words of comfort? Light returns. Be patient, its sweet kiss draws ever nearer. A new day. Be still, frail one.

Banaschar snorted, and set about seeking out a jug with something left in it.

 

Five Khundryl warriors stood before Dead Hedge. They looked lost, and yet determined, if such a thing was possible, and the Bridgeburner wasn't sure it was. They had difficulty meeting his eyes, yet held their ground. ‘What in Hood's name am I supposed to do with you?'

He glanced back over a shoulder. His two new sergeants were coming up behind him, other soldiers gathering behind them. Both women looked like bags overstuffed with bad memories. Their faces were sickly grey, as if they'd forgotten all of life's pleasures,
as if they'd seen the other side. But lasses, it's not so bad, it's just the getting there that stinks.