The Complete Malazan Book of the Fallen (1163 page)

‘You could turn on 'em. I won't. So I'll be the one stopping you. Don't try it, Sinn.'

‘We're in this together,' she said. ‘Partners. I was just saying. It's why that assassin hates us. Nobody controls us but us. Grownups always hate that.'

‘Forkrul Assail. Gesler wants to join this army to the Adjunct's – that has to be what he's planning, isn't it?'

‘How should I know? Probably.'

‘So we will fight Forkrul Assail.'

She flashed him a wicked smile. ‘Like flies, I will pluck their legs off.'

‘Who's the girl?'

Sinn rolled her eyes. ‘Not again. I'm sick of talking about her.'

‘She's in the Crystal City. She's waiting for us.'

‘She's insane, that's what she is. You felt that, you had to. We both felt it. No, let's not talk about her any more.'

‘You're afraid of her,' Grub said. ‘Because maybe she's stronger than both of us.'

‘Aren't you? You should be.'

‘At night,' said Grub, ‘I dream of red eyes. Opening. Just opening. That's all.'

‘Never mind that dream,' she said, looking away.

He could feel all her muscles, tight and wiry, and he knew that this was an embrace he could not hold on to for very much longer.
She's scarier than the assassin. You in the Crystal City, are you as frightened as me?

‘Stupid dream,' said Sinn.

It was midday. Gesler called a halt. The vast column stopped en masse, and then drones stepped out to begin preparations for feeding.

Wincing as he extricated himself from the scaled saddle of the Ve'Gath, noting with relief that the welts on the beast's flanks were healing, the Mortal Sword dropped down to the ground. ‘Stormy, let's stretch our legs—'

‘I don't need help taking a piss.'

‘After that, idiot.'

Stretching out the aches in his lower back, he walked out from the column, making a point of ignoring Sinn and Grub as they clambered down. Every damned morning since the battle, he'd half expected to find them gone. He wasn't fool enough to think he had any control over them.
Torching sky-keeps like pine cones, Hood save us all.

Stormy appeared, spitting on his hands to wash them. ‘That fucking assassin doesn't want to come down. Bad news?'

‘I doubt he'd quake over delivering that, Stormy. No, he's just making a point.'

‘Soon as he comes down,' Stormy growled, ‘my fist will make one of its own.'

Gesler laughed. ‘You couldn't reach its snarly snout, not even with a ladder. What are you going to do, punch its kneecap?'

‘Maybe, why not? Bet it'd hurt something awful.'

Gesler drew off his helmet. ‘Forkrul Assail, Stormy. Hood's hairy bag.'

‘If she's still alive, she must be having second thoughts. Who knows how many the Nah'ruk ate? For all we know, there's only a handful of Bonehunters left.'

‘I doubt it,' Gesler said. ‘There's standing and taking it when that's what you have to do. And then there's cutting out and setting fire to your own ass. She didn't want that fight. So they ran into her. She would've done what she needed to do to pull her soldiers out of it. It was probably messy, but it wasn't a complete annihilation.'

‘If you say so.'

‘Look, it's a fighting withdrawal until you can reasonably break. You narrow your front. You throw your heavies into that wall, and then you let yourself get pushed backward, step after step, until it's time to turn and run. And if the Letherii were worth anything, they'd have bled off some pressure. Best case scenario, we lost about a thousand—'

‘Mostly heavies and marines – the heart of the army, Ges—'

‘So you find a new one. A thousand.'

‘Worst case? Not a heavy left, not a marine left, with the regulars broken and scattering like hares.'

Gesler glared at Stormy. ‘I'm supposed to be the pessimist here, not you.'

‘Get the Matron to order that assassin down here.'

‘I will.'

‘When?'

‘When I feel like it.'

Stormy's face reddened. ‘You're still a Hood-shitting sergeant, you know that? Mortal Sword? Mortal Bunghole is more like it! Gods, to think I been taking orders from you for how long?'

‘Well, who's a better Shield Anvil than a man with an anvil for a head?'

Stormy grunted, and then said, ‘I'm hungry.'

‘Aye,' said Gesler. ‘Let's go and eat.'

They set out for the feeding area.

‘Do you remember, when we were young – too young? That cliff—'

‘Don't go on about that damned cliff, Stormy. I still get nightmares about it.'

‘It's guilt you're feeling.'

Gesler halted. ‘Guilt? You damned fool. I saved your life up there!'

‘After nearly killing me! If that rock coming down had hit me in the head—'

‘But it didn't, did it? No, just your shoulder. A tap, a bit of dust, and then I—'

‘The point is,' Stormy interrupted, ‘we did stupid things back then. We should've learned, only it's turning out we never learned a damned thing.'

‘That's not the problem,' Gesler retorted. ‘We got busted down all those times for good reason. We can't handle responsibilities, that's our problem. We start bickering – you start thinking and that's as bad as bad can get. Stop thinking, Stormy, and that's an order.'

‘You can't order me, I'm the Shield Anvil, and if I want to think, that's damn well what I'll do.'

Gesler set out again. ‘Be sure to let me know when you start. In the meantime, stop moaning about everything. It's tiresome.'

‘You strutting around like High King of the Universe is pretty tiresome, too.'

‘Look there – more porridge. Hood's breath, Stormy, I'm already so bunged up I could pick my nose and—'

‘It ain't porridge. It's mould.'

‘Fungus, idiot.'

‘What's the difference? All I know is, those drones are growing it in their own armpits.'

‘Now you done it, Stormy. I told you to stop complaining.'

‘Well, once I think up a reason to stop complaining, I will. But then, I'm not supposed to think, am I? Hah!'

Gesler scowled. ‘Gods below, Stormy, but I'm feeling old.'

The red-bearded man paused, and then nodded. ‘Aye. It's bloody miserable. I might be dead in a month, that's how I feel. Aches and twinges, all the rest. I need a woman. I need ten women. Rumjugs and Sweetlard, that's who I need – why didn't that assassin steal them, too? Then I'd be happy.'

‘There's always Kalyth,' Gesler said under his breath.

‘I can't roger the Destriant. It's not allowed.'

‘She's comely enough. Been a mother, too—'

‘What's so special about that?'

‘Their tits been used, right? And their hips are all looser. That's a real woman, Stormy. She'll know what to do under the furs. And then there's that look in the eye – stop gawking, you know what I mean. A woman who's dropped a baby has got this look – they been through the worst and come out the other side. So they do that up and down thing and you know that they know they can reduce you to quivering meat if they wanted to. Mothers, Stormy. Give me a mother over any other woman every time, that's what I'm saying.'

‘You're sick.'

‘If it wasn't for me you'd still be clinging halfway up that cliff, a clutch of bones with birds nesting in your hair and spiders in your eye sockets.'

‘If it wasn't for you I'd never have tried climbing it.'

‘Yes you would.'

‘Why do you say that?'

‘Because, Stormy, you never think.'

 

He'd gathered things. Small things. Shiny stones, shards of crystal, twigs from the fruit trees, and he carried them about, and when he could he'd sit down on the floor and set them out, making mysterious patterns or perhaps no patterns, just random settings. And then he'd look at them, and that was all.

The whole ritual, now that she'd witnessed it dozens of times, deeply disturbed Badalle, but she didn't know why.

She thought to give Saddic these words, knowing he would hide them in the story he was telling behind his eyes, and then it occurred to her that he didn't need to hear to know, and the story he was telling was beyond the reach of anyone.
I am trapped in his story. I have flown in the sky, but the sky is the dome of Saddic's skull, and there is no way out. Look at him studying his things, see the confusion on his face. A thin face. Hollowed face. Face waiting to be filled, but it will never be filled.
‘Icarias fills our bellies,' she said, ‘and starves everything else.'

Saddic looked up, met her eyes, and then looked away. Sounds from the window, voices in the square below. Families were taking root, sliding into the crystal walls and ceilings, the floors and chambers. Older boys became pretend-fathers, older girls became pretend-mothers, the young ones scampered but never for long – they'd run, as if struck with excitement, only to falter after a few steps, faces darkening with confusion and fear as they ran back to find shelter in their parents' arms.

This is the evil of remembering.

‘We can't stay here,' she said. ‘Someone is seeking us. We need to go and find them. Rutt knows. That's why he walks to the end of the city and stares into the west. He knows.'

Saddic began collecting his things. Into his little bag. Like a boy who'd caught something out of the corner of his eye, only to find nothing when he turned.

If you can't remember it's because you never had what it is you're trying to remember. Saddic, we've run out of gifts. Don't lie to fill up your past.
‘I don't like your things, Saddic.'

He seemed to shrink inside himself and would not meet her eyes as he tied up the bag and tucked it inside his tattered shirt.

I don't like them. They hurt.

‘I'm going to find Rutt. We need to get ready. Icarias is killing us.'

 

‘I knew a woman once, in my village. Married. Her husband was a man you wanted, like a hot stone in your gut. She'd walk with him, a step behind, down the main track between the huts. She'd walk and she'd stare right at me all the way. You know why? She was staring at me to keep me from staring at him. We are really nothing but apes, hairless apes. When she's not looking, I'll piss in her grass nest – that's what I decided. And I'd do more than that. I'd seduce her man. I'd break him. His honour, his integrity, his honesty. I'd break him between my legs. So when she walked with him through the village, she'd do anything but meet my eyes. Anything.'

With that, Kisswhere reached for the jug.

The Gilk Warchief, Spax, studied her from beneath a lowered brow. And then he belched. ‘How dangerous is love, hey?'

‘Who said anything about love?' she retorted with a loose gesture from the hand holding the jug. ‘It's all about possession. And stealing. That's what makes a woman wet, what makes her eyes shine. 'Ware the dark streak in a woman's soul.'

‘Men have their own,' he muttered.

She drank, and then swung the jug back to his waiting hand. ‘Different.'

‘Mostly, aye. But then, maybe not.' He swallowed down a mouthful, wiped his beard. ‘Possession only counts for too much in a man afraid of losing whatever he has. If he's settled he doesn't need to own, but then how many of us are settled? Few, I'd wager. We're restless enough, and the older we get, the more restless we are. The misery is, the one thing an old man wants to possess the most is the one thing he can't have.'

‘What's that?'

‘Add a couple of decades to that man in the village and his wife won't have to stare into any rival's eyes.'

She grunted, collected up her stick and pushed it beneath the splints binding her leg. Scratched vigorously. ‘Whatever happened to decent healing?'

‘They're saying magic's damn near dead in these lands. How nimble are you?'