The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1087 page)

Enter Ajax and THERSITES

AJAX.

Thersites!

Thersites!

THERSITES.

Agamemnon-how if he had boils full, an over, generally?

Agamemnon–how would it be if he was covered in boils?

AJAX.

Thersites!

Thersites!

THERSITES.

And those boils did run-say so. Did not the general run

then? Were not that a botchy core?

And those boils started to run, let's say. Wouldn't the general run

then? Wouldn't he lack courage?

AJAX.

Dog!

Dog!

THERSITES.

Then there would come some matter from him;

I see none now.

Then we'd get something out of him;

we're getting nothing at the moment.

AJAX.

Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? Feel, then.

[Strikes him.]

You son of a bitch, are you deaf? Then feel this.

THERSITES.

The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted

lord!

May a plague of Greece fall on you, you mongrel thick witted

lord!

AJAX.

Speak, then, thou whinid'st leaven, speak. I will beat thee

into handsomeness.

Speak then, you mouldy scum, speak. I'll beat you

into decency.

THERSITES.

I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness; but I

think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a

prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain

o' thy jade's tricks!

It's more likely that I can abuse you into being intelligent and pious;

but I think it's more likely for your horse to learn a speech

than for you to learn a prayer by heart. You'll hit me will you?

A plague on your stroppy behaviour!

AJAX.

Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.

Toadstool, tell me about the proclamation.

THERSITES.

Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?

Do you think I have no feelings, striking me like this?

AJAX.

The proclamation!

The proclamation!

THERSITES.

Thou art proclaim'd, a fool, I think.

You have been proclaimed, a fool, I think.

AJAX.

Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.

Don't push me, porcupine; I'm itching to give you a beating.

THERSITES.

I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the

scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in

Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as

slow as another.

I wish you were itching from head to foot and I was

the one to scratch you; I would turn you into the most horrible scab in

Greece. When you go out to battle, you are as slow to strike

as any other.

AJAX.

I say, the proclamation.

I'm telling you, I want to hear about the proclamation.

THERSITES.

Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and

thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at

Proserpina's beauty-ay, that thou bark'st at him.

You grumble and moan all the time about Achilles;

and you envy his greatness just as much as Cerberus envies

Proserpina's beauty–yes, so you bark at him.

AJAX.

Mistress Thersites!

Mistress Thersites!

THERSITES.

Thou shouldst strike him–

If you hit him–

AJAX.

Cobloaf!

You cobloaf!

THERSITES.

He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a

sailor breaks a biscuit.

He would smash you to smithereens with his fist, like a

sailor breaking a biscuit.

AJAX.

You whoreson cur! [Strikes him]

You son of a bitch!

THERSITES.

Do, do.

Go on, I dare you.

AJAX.

Thou stool for a witch!

You witch's toilet!

THERSITES.

Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more

brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinico may tutor thee. You

scurvy valiant ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou

art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian

slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell

what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!

Yes, do it; you soggy brained lord! You have no more brains

than I have in my elbows; an idiot could teach you. You

shoddy-brave ass! You're only here to beat the Trojans, you're

exploited by those with any intelligence like a barbarian

slave. If you're going to beat me, I'll begin at your feet and tell

you what you are inch by inch, you gutless object!

AJAX.

You dog!

You dog!

THERSITES.

You scurvy lord!

You shabby lord!

AJAX.

You cur! [Strikes him]

You mongrel!

THERSITES.

Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.

This is the idiot of Mars! Go ahead, rude man, camel; go ahead.

Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS

ACHILLES.

Why, how now, Ajax! Wherefore do you thus?

How now, Thersites! What's the matter, man?

Hello there, Ajax! Why are you doing this?

Hello there, Thersites! What's the matter, man?

THERSITES.

You see him there, do you?

You see him there, do you?

ACHILLES.

Ay; what's the matter?

Yes; what's the matter?

THERSITES.

Nay, look upon him.

No, look at him.

ACHILLES.

So I do. What's the matter?

I'm doing so. What's the matter?

THERSITES.

Nay, but regard him well.

No, look at him closely.

ACHILLES.

Well! why, so I do.

Alright! That's what I'm doing.

THERSITES.

But yet you look not well upon him; for who some ever

you take him to be, he is Ajax.

But you're not looking closely at him; whoever

you think is, he is Ajax.

ACHILLES.

I know that, fool.

I know that, fool.

THERSITES.

Ay, but that fool knows not himself.

Yes, but that fool doesn't know who he is.

AJAX.

Therefore I beat thee.

This is what I beat you for.

THERSITES.

Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His

evasions have ears thus long. I have bobb'd his brain more than

he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and

his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This

lord, Achilles, Ajax-who wears his wit in his belly and his guts

in his head-I'll tell you what I say of him.

Hello hello hello, what specks of wit he comes out with!

His attempts are like an ass'. I have beaten his brain more often

and he has beaten my body. I can buy nine sparrows for a penny, and

his brain isn't worth a ninth of a sparrow. This

lord, Achilles, Ajax–who has his brains in his belly and his guts

in his head–I'll tell you what I say about him.

ACHILLES.

What?

What?

THERSITES.

I say this Ajax- [AJAX offers to strike him]

I say this Ajax–

ACHILLES.

Nay, good Ajax.

No, good Ajax.

THERSITES.

Has not so much wit-

Hasn't got enough brains–

ACHILLES.

Nay, I must hold you.

No, I must hold you back.

THERSITES.

As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he

comes to fight.

To block up the eye of Helen's needle, the one he came

to fight for.

ACHILLES.

Peace, fool.

Quiet, fool.

THERSITES.

I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not-

he there; that he; look you there.

I want peace and quiet, but that fool doesn't–

him there; that one; look at him.

AJAX.

O thou damned cur! I shall-

Oh you dammed mongrel! I shall–

ACHILLES.

Will you set your wit to a fool's?

Are you going to argue with a fool?

THERSITES.

No, I warrant you, the fool's will shame it.

No, I bet he won't, because the fool would win.

PATROCLUS.

Good words, Thersites.

Well said, Thersites.

ACHILLES.

What's the quarrel?

What are you arguing about?

AJAX.

I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the

proclamation, and he rails upon me.

I told this wiseacre to go and find out about

the proclamation, and he has a go at me.

THERSITES.

I serve thee not.