The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (322 page)

In our heart's table; heart too capable

Of every line and trick of his sweet favour:

But now he's gone, and my idolatrous fancy

Must sanctify his reliques. Who comes here?

Oh if that were all! I'm not thinking of my father:

I am weeping more for the memory of him

than I am for his person. What was he like?

I have forgotten him: my mind

has no love in it except for Bertram.

I am lost: I cannot live at all

without Bertram. I might just as well

be in love with a bright star above

and think I could marry it, he is so far above me:

I must be happy to bathe in his reflected light,

because I cannot get near to him.

And so my love tortures itself:

the deer that wanted to mate with a lion

would die of love. It was lovely, though torture,

to see him all the time, to sit and draw

a picture in my heart of his arched brows,

his sharp eye; my heart knows all too well

every little line of his sweet face:

but now he's gone, and all I have left to worship

are my memories of him. Who's this?

Enter PAROLLES

Aside

One that goes with him: I love him for his sake;

And yet I know him a notorious liar,

Think him a great way fool, solely a coward;

Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him,

That they take place, when virtue's steely bones

Look bleak i' the cold wind: withal, full oft we see

Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.

It's one of those that goes with him: I love him for what he is,

and yet I know he is a terrible liar,

I think he is very foolish, a complete coward;

yet he is so suited to his flaws

that they look good, when cold virtues

look harsh: it's true that we often see

cold wisdom is not as attractive as foolishness.

PAROLLES

Save you, fair queen!

Greetings, lovely Queen!

HELENA

And you, monarch!

The same to you, King!

PAROLLES

No.

I'm not a king.

HELENA

And no.

 And I'm not a Queen.

PAROLLES

Are you meditating on virginity?

Are you thinking about virginity?

HELENA

Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you: let me

ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity; how

may we barricado it against him?

Yes. You have something of the soldier about you: let me

ask you a question. Man is the enemy of virginity; how

can we resist him?

PAROLLES

Keep him out.

Keep him out.

HELENA

But he assails; and our virginity, though valiant,

in the defence yet is weak: unfold to us some

warlike resistance.

But he attacks, and although our virginity is brave,

it is weak in its defence: tell me a soldier's way

of resisting.

PAROLLES

There is none: man, sitting down before you, will

undermine you and blow you up.

There isn't one: a man, sitting down in front of you, will

get under your defences and blow you up.

HELENA

Bless our poor virginity from underminers and

blowers up! Is there no military policy, how

virgins might blow up men?

Save our poor virginity from these underminers

and blowers up! Is there no military way for

virgins to blow up men?

PAROLLES

Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be

blown up: marry, in blowing him down again, with

the breach yourselves made, you lose your city. It

is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to

preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational

increase and there was never virgin got till

virginity was first lost. That you were made of is

metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost

may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is

ever lost: 'tis too cold a companion; away with 't!

Once virginity has been beaten, men will quickly

be blown up: in fact, the action of blowing him down

will bring your city walls tumbling. It's not part of nature

to preserve virginity. The loss of virginity means the increase

of the population, no virgin was ever born unless

somebody lost their virginity first. You were made

to make virgins. Once your virginity is lost

you can make ten more virgins; if you keep it

there will be no more virgins: it's a cold companion, get rid of it!

HELENA

I will stand for 't a little, though therefore I die a virgin.

 I think I'll put up with it for a while, even if it means I died a virgin.

PAROLLES

There's little can be said in 't; 'tis against the

rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity,

is to accuse your mothers; which is most infallible

disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin:

virginity murders itself and should be buried in

highways out of all sanctified limit, as a desperate

offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites,

much like a cheese; consumes itself to the very

paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach.

Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of

self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the

canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but loose

by't: out with 't! within ten year it will make

itself ten, which is a goodly increase; and the

principal itself not much the worse: away with 't!

There's not much to be said for it; it's against

the law of nature. If you defend virginity

then you are attacking your mother; which is a terrible

thing to do. A suicide is a virgin:

virginity murders itself and should be buried

by the roadside, not in the holy ground, as being a terrible

offender against nature. Virginity breeds parasites

like a cheese does; it eats itself right down to the

rind, and so dies feeding itself.

Besides, virginity is testy, arrogant, lazy, made of

self-love, which is the most prohibited sin of

all. Don't hang onto it, you will only lose by

doing so: get rid of it! Within ten years you will have made

ten more virgins, which is a good return; and you won't have lost

much of your capital. Get rid of it!

HELENA

How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own liking?

What should one do, Sir, to lose it in a pleasing manner?

PAROLLES

Let me see: marry, ill, to like him that ne'er it

likes. 'Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with

lying; the longer kept, the less worth: off with 't

while 'tis vendible; answer the time of request.

Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out

of fashion: richly suited, but unsuitable: just

like the brooch and the tooth-pick, which wear not

now. Your date is better in your pie and your

porridge than in your cheek; and your virginity,

your old virginity, is like one of our French

withered pears, it looks ill, it eats drily; marry,

'tis a withered pear; it was formerly better;

marry, yet 'tis a withered pear: will you anything with it?

Let me see; well, you must like someone who doesn't

like virginity;it's a commodity that will go off;

the longer you keep it, the less it is worth: get rid of it

while it's still saleable; give it up when asked.

Virginity, like an old courtier, wears an unfashionable

cap: good quality, but unsuitable: like

brooches and toothpicks, which nobody wears

now. Dates are nicer in pies or in

porridge than eaten raw; and your virginity,

your old virginity, is like one of those dried

French pears, it looks nasty, it's dry to eat; in fact

it's a withered pear: what can you do with it?

HELENA

Not my virginity yet

There shall your master have a thousand loves,

A mother and a mistress and a friend,

A phoenix, captain and an enemy,

A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign,

A counsellor, a traitress, and a dear;

His humble ambition, proud humility,

His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet,

His faith, his sweet disaster; with a world

Of pretty, fond, adoptious christendoms,

That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he--

I know not what he shall. God send him well!

The court's a learning place, and he is one—

Your master shall not have my virginity yet,

but he will have thousand loves,

a mother and a mistress and friend,

a phoenix, a captain and an enemy,

a guide, a Goddess and Queen,

a counsellor, a traitoress and a dear one;

his humble ambition, his proud humility,

his clashing harmonies, his sweet discord,

his faith, his sweet disaster; these are all

the pretty, fond, adopted names

that men give, inspired by love. Now he shall–

I don't know what he shall. May God look after him!

The court's a place where one learns, and he is one–

PAROLLES

What one, i' faith?

For heaven's sake, who are you talking about?

HELENA

That I wish well. 'Tis pity—

The one that I wish well. It's a shame-

PAROLLES

What's pity?

What's a shame?

HELENA

That wishing well had not a body in't,

Which might be felt; that we, the poorer born,

Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes,

Might with effects of them follow our friends,

And show what we alone must think, which never

Return us thanks.

That good wishes don't have a physical body,

so that we who are born poor, whose lowly position

means wishes are all we have,

might use them to follow our friends,

and show them things we are only allowed to think,

 which never do us any good.

Enter Page

Page

Monsieur Parolles, my lord calls for you.

Monsieur Parolles,my lord wants you.

Exit

PAROLLES

Little Helen, farewell; if I can remember thee, I

will think of thee at court.

Farewell little Helen; if I remember you, I

will think of you when I'm at the court.

HELENA