The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (377 page)

for: we will be messing with him, and we can’t help it.

Enter WILLIAM

WILLIAM

Good even, Audrey.

Good evening, Audrey.

AUDREY

God ye good even, William.

Good evening, William.

WILLIAM

And good even to you, sir.

And good evening to you, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Good even, gentle friend. Cover thy head, cover thy

head; nay, prithee, be covered. How old are you, friend?

Good evening, gentle friend. Put a hat on, put a

hat on. No, please, keep it on. How old are you, friend?

WILLIAM

Five and twenty, sir.

Twenty-five, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

A ripe age. Is thy name William?

A mature age. And your name is William?

WILLIAM

William, sir.

William, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

A fair name. Wast born i' the forest here?

A good name. Were you born in the forest?

WILLIAM

Ay, sir, I thank God.

Yes, sir, thank God.

TOUCHSTONE

'Thank God;' a good answer. Art rich?

“Thank God,” a good answer. Are you rich.

WILLIAM

Faith, sir, so so.

Honestly, sir, so-so.

TOUCHSTONE

'So so' is good, very good, very excellent good; and

yet it is not; it is but so so. Art thou wise?

“So-so” is good, very good, very excellently good.

It is not, it is only so-so. Are you wise?

WILLIAM

Ay, sir, I have a pretty wit.

Yes, sir, I have a good wit.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, thou sayest well. I do now remember a saying,

'The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man

knows himself to be a fool.' The heathen

philosopher, when he had a desire to eat a grape,

would open his lips when he put it into his mouth;

meaning thereby that grapes were made to eat and

lips to open. You do love this maid?

You speak well. I remember a saying,

“The fool thinks he is wise, but the wise man

knows that he is a fool.” The heathen

philosopher, when he wants to eat a grape,

opens his lips when he put it to his mouth:

meaning that grapes were made to eat, and

lips were made to open. Do you love this girl?

WILLIAM

I do, sir.

I do, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Give me your hand. Art thou learned?

Give me your hand. Are you educated?

WILLIAM

No, sir.

No, sir.

TOUCHSTONE

Then learn this of me: to have, is to have; for it

is a figure in rhetoric that drink, being poured out

of a cup into a glass, by filling the one doth empty

the other; for all your writers do consent that ipse

is he: now, you are not ipse, for I am he.

Then learn this from me: if you have something, you have it.

A drink, being poured out

of a cup and into a glass, fills one and empties

the other. All scholars agree that “ipse” is Latin

for “he,” but you are not ipse, for I am he.

WILLIAM

Which he, sir?

Which he, sir?

TOUCHSTONE

He, sir, that must marry this woman. Therefore, you

clown, abandon,--which is in the vulgar leave,--the

society,--which in the boorish is company,--of this

female,--which in the common is woman; which

together is, abandon the society of this female, or,

clown, thou perishest; or, to thy better

understanding, diest; or, to wit I kill thee, make

thee away, translate thy life into death, thy

liberty into bondage: I will deal in poison with

thee, or in bastinado, or in steel; I will bandy

with thee in faction; I will o'errun thee with

policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways:

therefore tremble and depart.

He, sir, who will marry this woman. Therefore, you

clown, abandon – or as a commoner would say, “leave” º the

society – or as a commoner would say, “company,” – of this

female – or as a commoner would say, “woman.” All

together that is: abandon the society of this female, or,

clown, you will perish, or in other

words so you understand, die, or, I will kill you, make

you go away, translate your life into your death, your

liberty into imprisonment: I will give you poison,

or beat you with a club, or kill you with a sword. I will toss

you around and overrun you with my

words. I will kill you a hundred and fifty ways,

therefore shake from fear, and leave.

AUDREY

Do, good William.

Do leave, good William.

WILLIAM

God rest you merry, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Exit

Enter CORIN

CORIN

Our master and mistress seeks you; come, away, away!

The master and mistress have asked you to come away!

TOUCHSTONE

Trip, Audrey! trip, Audrey! I attend, I attend.

Quickly, Audrey, quickly! I am coming.

Exeunt

Enter ORLANDO and OLIVER

ORLANDO

Is't possible that on so little acquaintance you

should like her? that but seeing you should love

her? and loving woo? and, wooing, she should

grant? and will you persever to enjoy her?

Is it possible that from knowing her so little you

should fall for her, and that you fall in love with her from seeing

her? And then woo her, and then have her

accept you? And will you really then marry her?

OLIVER

Neither call the giddiness of it in question, the

poverty of her, the small acquaintance, my sudden

wooing, nor her sudden consenting; but say with me,

I love Aliena; say with her that she loves me;

consent with both that we may enjoy each other: it

shall be to your good; for my father's house and all

the revenue that was old Sir Rowland's will I

estate upon you, and here live and die a shepherd.

Don’t question the foolishness of it,

or her poverty, or our little knowing each other, or my quick

wooing, or her accepting, but say it along with me:

“I love Aliena.” Say with her that she loves me,

and consent that we may enjoy each other. It

is to your benefit: our father’s house and all

of Sir Rowland’s fortune I leave

to you so that I may live and die as a shepherd.

ORLANDO

You have my consent. Let your wedding be to-morrow:

thither will I invite the duke and all's contented

followers. Go you and prepare Aliena; for look

you, here comes my Rosalind.

You have my consent. Let your wedding be tomorrow,

and I will invite the duke and all of his happy

followers. Go and get Aliena ready, for look,

here comes my Rosalind.

Enter ROSALIND

ROSALIND

God save you, brother.

God be with you, brother.

OLIVER

And you, fair sister.

And with you, dear sister.

Exit

ROSALIND

O, my dear Orlando, how it grieves me to see thee

wear thy heart in a scarf!

O my Orlando, it saddens me to see you

wear your heart in a sling!

ORLANDO

It is my arm.

It is my arm.

ROSALIND

I thought thy heart had been wounded with the claws

of a lion.

I thought your heart was wounded from the

lion’s claws.

ORLANDO

Wounded it is, but with the eyes of a lady.

It is wounded, but only from a lady’s eyes.

ROSALIND

Did your brother tell you how I counterfeited to

swoon when he showed me your handkerchief?

Did your brother tell you how I faked to

faint when he showed me the bloody handkerchief?

ORLANDO

Ay, and greater wonders than that.

Yes, and more amazing things than that.

ROSALIND

O, I know where you are: nay, 'tis true: there was

never any thing so sudden but the fight of two rams

and Caesar's thrasonical brag of 'I came, saw, and

overcame:' for your brother and my sister no sooner

met but they looked, no sooner looked but they

loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner

sighed but they asked one another the reason, no

sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy;

and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs

to marriage which they will climb incontinent, or

else be incontinent before marriage: they are in

the very wrath of love and they will together; clubs

cannot part them.

O, I know what you are talking about. It’s true, there was

never anything as sudden as their love except the fight of two rams,

nothing as quick as Caesar bragging, “I came, I saw, and

I conquered,” for your brother and my sister had just

met when they looked, and when they looked they

loved, and when they loved they sighed, and

when they sighed they asked each other why, and

when they knew why they looked for a way to fix their pains of love –

and so on until they built by each step a set of stairs

to marriage which they will climb without control, or

else they will be without control before they marry. They are in