The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (390 page)

LUCIANA Who would be jealous then of such a one?No evil lost is wail'd when it is gone.
Why be jealous over him then?No one cries when rid of an evil.

ADRIANA Ah, but I think him better than I say,And yet would herein others' eyes were worse.Far from her nest the lapwing cries away:My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.
Oh, but I think better of him than I say,I wish he looked worse in other women’s eyes.I’m like a little crying bird, far form my nest:My heart prays for him, though my tongue curses him.

Enter DROMIO of SyracuseDROMIO OF SYRACUSE Here! go; the desk, the purse! sweet, now, make haste.
Here! go; the desk, the purse! Come on, now, Hurry!

LUCIANA How hast thou lost thy breath?
Why are you so out of breath?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By running fast.
I was running fast.

ADRIANA Where is thy master, Dromio? is he well?
Where is your master, Dromio? is he okay?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, he's in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.A devil in an everlasting garment hath him;One whose hard heart is button'd up with steel;A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough;A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff;A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one thatcountermandsThe passages of alleys, creeks and narrow lands;A hound that runs counter and yet draws dryfoot well;One that before the judgement carries poor souls to hell.
No, he's in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.A devil in an everlasting garment has him;One whose hard heart is buttoned up with steel;A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough;A wolf, no, worse, a man in tough leather;A betrayer, a shoulder-grabber, one thatpatrolsThe passages of alleys, creeks and passagesA hound that runs opposite of their prey but can still follow their tracks;He carries poor souls to hell before they have even been judged.

ADRIANA Why, man, what is the matter?
Why, man, what is the matter?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I do not know the matter: he is 'rested on the case.
I don’t know what the matter is: but he’s been arrested for it.

ADRIANA What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.
What, is he arrested? Tell me on whose charge?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I know not at whose suit he is arrested well;But he's in a suit of buff which 'rested him, that can I tell.Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?
I don’t know who had him arrested;But I can tell you that the man who did it was in a leather suit.Will you send him bail, mistress, the money in his desk?

ADRIANA Go fetch it, sister.
Go fetch it, sister.

Exit LucianaThis I wonder at,That he, unknown to me, should be in debt.Tell me, was he arrested on a band?

This is so strange,That he was in debt without my knowing.Tell me, was he arrested for a band?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not on a band, but on a stronger thing;A chain, a chain! Do you not hear it ring?
Not a band, but on a stronger thing;A chain, a chain! Don’t you hear it ring?

ADRIANA What, the chain?
What, the chain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, no, the bell: 'tis time that I were gone:It was two ere I left him, and now the clockstrikes one.
No, no, the bell: it’s time for me to go:It was two before I left him, and now the clockstrikes one.

ADRIANA The hours come back! that did I never hear.
The hour went backwards! I’ve never heard that.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, yes; if any hour meet a sergeant, a' turns back for very fear.
O, yes; if any ower meet an officer, they run from fear.

ADRIANA As if Time were in debt! how fondly dost thou reason!
As if Time were in debt! your logic is so  funny!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Time is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he's worth, to season.Nay, he's a thief too: have you not heard men sayThat Time comes stealing on by night and day?If Time be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Time is bankrupt, and owes more than he's worth or can pay back in a season.And, he's a thief too: haven’t you heard men sayThat Time comes stealing on by night and day?If Time is in debt and a thief to boot, and there’s an officer in the way,Don’t you think that’s reason to turn back an hour?

Re-enter LUCIANA with a purseADRIANA Go, Dromio; there's the money, bear it straight;And bring thy master home immediately.Come, sister: I am press'd down with conceit--Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Go, Dromio; there's the money, take it straight there;And bring your master home immediately.Come, sister: my imagination is spinning--It’s both comforting and depressing.
Exeunt

Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse

 ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE There's not a man I meet but doth salute meAs if I were their well-acquainted friend;And every one doth call me by my name.Some tender money to me; some invite me;Some other give me thanks for kindnesses;Some offer me commodities to buy:Even now a tailor call'd me in his shopAnd show'd me silks that he had bought for me,And therewithal took measure of my body.Sure, these are but imaginary wilesAnd Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.

Every single man I meet greets meAs if I were their well-acquainted friend;And every one  of them calls me by my name.Some give me money; some invite me;Some other give me thanks for kindnesses;Some offer me commodities to buy:Even now a tailor called me in his shopAnd showed me silks that he had bought for me,And started taking my measurements.I must be seeing thingsThere must be sorcerers living here.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, here's the gold you sent me for. What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-apparelled?

Master, here's the gold you sent me for. What, have you gotten rid of that Adam, the man who was dressed in leather?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat gold is this? what Adam dost thou mean?

What gold? what man are you talking about?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not that Adam that kept the Paradise but that Adam that keeps the prison: he that goes in the calf's skin that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.

Not Adam that lived with Eve in Paradise but The Adam that keeps the prison: the one that was Wearing the leather clothes; the one who came  Behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and arrested you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I understand thee not.

I don’t understand what you’re saying.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No? why, 'tis a plain case: he that went, like abass-viol, in a case of leather; the man, sir,that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a soband 'rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a morris-pike.

No? why, it’s simple: he was like a cellocased in leather; the man, sir, thatWhen gentlemen are tired, gives them “arrest”He, sir, whotakes pity on ruined men and gives them new jail clothes; he who sets out to do more harm with his mace than a soldier with a pike.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, thou meanest an officer?

What, you mean an officer?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band, he that bringsany man to answer it that breaks his band; one

that thinks a man always going to bed, and says, 'God give you good rest!'

thinks men are always going to bed and wants to give them “arrest.”

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ships put forth tonight? May we be gone?

Well, sir, you can stop joking there. Are there any ships setting sail tonight? Can we leave?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that thebark Expedition put forth to-night; and then wereyou hindered by the sergeant, to tarry for the hoyDelay. Here are the angels that you sent for todeliver you.

Why, sir, I told you an hour ago that theship Expedition is setting sail to-night; and then youwere hindered by the sergeant, and you said to wait for the rowboat Delay. Here is the bail money you sent me to deliver to you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThe fellow is distract, and so am I;And here we wander in illusions:Some blessed power deliver us from hence!

This man has gone insane, and so have I;And we are wandering in a world of illusions:Some blessed power get us out of here!

Enter a Courtezan

Courtezan Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:Is that the chain you promised me to-day?

Well, well, good to see you Master Antipholus.I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:Is that the chain you promised me to-day?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.

Satan, be gone! Don’t try to tempt me.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, is this Mistress Satan?

Master, is this Miss Satan?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIt is the devil.

It is the devil.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, she is worse, she is the devil's dam; and here she comes in the habit of a light wench: and thereof comes that the wenches say 'God damn me;' that's as much to say 'God make me a light wench.' It is written, they appear to men like angels of light: light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.

No, she is worse, she is the devil's mother; and here she comes in the guise of an easy wench: and is the reason why wenches say 'God damn me;' which is just like saying 'God make me a light wench.' In the Bible, it says they appear to men like angels of light: light is an aspect of fire, and fire will burn; therefore easy wenches will burn you. Don’t go near her.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, sir, the sergeant of the unit, he who makes anyone answer for breaking his law; it’s like he

Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.Will you go with me? We'll mend our dinner here?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or bespeak a long spoon.

Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or ask for a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, Dromio?

Why, Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.

Of course, he who eats with the devil must have a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAvoid then, fiend! what tell'st thou me of supping?Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress:I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

Get away, demon! what dinner are you talking about?You, like everyone else, are a sorceress:I conjure you to leave me and be gone.

Courtezan Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,And I'll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,Or, in exchange, the chain you promised me,And I'll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Some devils ask but the parings of one's nail,A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,A nut, a cherry-stone;But she, more covetous, would have a chain.Master, be wise: an if you give it her,The devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.

Some devils ask only for nail-clippings,A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,A nut, a cherry pit;But she, greedily, would have a chain.Master, be wise: if you give it to her,The devil will shake her chain and frighten us with it.

Courtezan I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain:I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain:I hope you’re not really going to cheat me like this.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

Stay away, you witch! Come, Dromio, let’s go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 'Fly pride,' says the peacock: mistress, that you know.

'Don’t be proud,' says the peacock: mistress, you know that.

Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

Courtezan You and your servant are hilarious, sir.Will you go with me? We’ll finish our dinner here?

Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad,Else would he never so demean himself.A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,And for the same he promised me a chain: