The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (730 page)

subject with a merry tune, or a merry subject

set to sad music.

Servant

He hath songs for man or woman, of all sizes; no

milliner can so fit his customers with gloves: he

has the prettiest love-songs for maids; so without

bawdry, which is strange; with such delicate

burthens of dildos and fadings, 'jump her and thump

her;' and where some stretch-mouthed rascal would,

as it were, mean mischief and break a foul gap into

the matter, he makes the maid to answer 'Whoop, do me

no harm, good man;' puts him off, slights him, with

'Whoop, do me no harm, good man.'

He has songs for men and women, of all sizes;

no milliner could make a better fit with his gloves:

he has the prettiest love songs for girls; completely

without vulgarity, which is unusual; with such delicate

nonsensical choruses, ‘jump her and thump

her;’ and when some foulmouthed rascal

wants to make mischief and put some vulgarity

into the song, he has the made answer ‘whoop, do me

no harm, good man;’ pushes him away and puts him down

with ‘whoop, do me no harm, good man.’

POLIXENES

This is a brave fellow.

This sounds like a good chap.

Clown

Believe me, thou talkest of an admirable conceited

fellow. Has he any unbraided wares?

Believe me, we're talking about a wonderfully ingenious

fellow. Has he any new goods for sale?

Servant

He hath ribbons of an the colours i' the rainbow;

points more than all the lawyers in Bohemia can

learnedly handle, though they come to him by the

gross: inkles, caddisses, cambrics, lawns: why, he

sings 'em over as they were gods or goddesses; you

would think a smock were a she-angel, he so chants

to the sleeve-hand and the work about the square on't.

He has ribbons in all the colours of the rainbow;

more laces than all the lawyers in Bohemia could

untangle, even if they came to him in mobs:

linen tapes, garter tapes, cambric, lawn: why he

advertises them as if they were gods or goddesses; you

would think that the smock was a female angel, to hear him sing

about its cuffs and the embroidery on the bodice.

Clown

Prithee bring him in; and let him approach singing.

Please bring him in; and let him come in singing.

PERDITA

Forewarn him that he use no scurrilous words in 's tunes.

Exit Servant

Warn him that he is to use no vulgar words in his tunes.

Clown

You have of these pedlars, that have more in them

than you'ld think, sister.

There is more to some of these pedlars than

you would imagine, sister.

PERDITA

Ay, good brother, or go about to think.

Yes, good brother, more than I want to think about.

Enter AUTOLYCUS, singing

AUTOLYCUS

Lawn as white as driven snow;

Cyprus black as e'er was crow;

Gloves as sweet as damask roses;

Masks for faces and for noses;

Bugle bracelet, necklace amber,

Perfume for a lady's chamber;

Golden quoifs and stomachers,

For my lads to give their dears:

Pins and poking-sticks of steel,

What maids lack from head to heel:

Come buy of me, come; come buy, come buy;

Buy lads, or else your lasses cry: Come buy.

Lawn as white as driven snow;

crêpe as black as the crow ever was;

gloves as sweet as damask roses;

masks for faces and for noses;

black glass beads strung together, amber necklaces,

perfume for a lady's bedroom;

golden caps and belts,

for the lads to give their sweethearts:

pins and collar stiffeners of steel,

everything a girl could want:

come and buy from me, come! Come and buy! Come and buy!

Buy, lads, don't make your lasses cry.

Come and buy!

Clown

If I were not in love with Mopsa, thou shouldst take

no money of me; but being enthralled as I am, it

will also be the bondage of certain ribbons and gloves.

If I were not in love with Mopsa, you would get

no money from me; but being besotted as I am, I

will get you to parcel up some ribbons and gloves.

MOPSA

I was promised them against the feast; but they come

not too late now.

I was promised them in time for the feast; but now

is not too late.

DORCAS

He hath promised you more than that, or there be liars.

He promised you more than that, or someone is lying.

MOPSA

He hath paid you all he promised you; may be, he has

paid you more, which will shame you to give him again.

He has paid you all he promised you; maybe he has

overpaid you, and you're worried you'll have to give it back.

Clown

Is there no manners left among maids? will they

wear their plackets where they should bear their

faces? Is there not milking-time, when you are

going to bed, or kiln-hole, to whistle off these

secrets, but you must be tittle-tattling before all

our guests? 'tis well they are whispering: clamour

your tongues, and not a word more.

Don't girls have any manners any more? Will they

show their privates where their faces should be?

Don't you have milking time, or when you're going to bed,

or sitting round the oven, to whisper about these secrets?

Do you have to gossip about it in front of all our guests?

MOPSA

I have done. Come, you promised me a tawdry-lace

and a pair of sweet gloves.

I've finished. Come on, you promised me a coloured scarf

and a pair of scented gloves.

Clown

Have I not told thee how I was cozened by the way

and lost all my money?

Didn't I tell you how I was conned on the road

and lost all my money?

AUTOLYCUS

And indeed, sir, there are cozeners abroad;

therefore it behoves men to be wary.

Indeed, sir, there are conmen around;

everyone should be careful.

Clown

Fear not thou, man, thou shalt lose nothing here.

Don't you worry, man, you won't lose anything here.

AUTOLYCUS

I hope so, sir; for I have about me many parcels of charge.

I hope not, sir; I have many valuable items with me.

Clown

What hast here? ballads?

What's this you've got? Ballads?

MOPSA

Pray now, buy some: I love a ballad in print o'

life, for then we are sure they are true.

Now please, buy some: I love a printed ballad,

I swear, because then we know we've got the right words.

AUTOLYCUS

Here's one to a very doleful tune, how a usurer's

wife was brought to bed of twenty money-bags at a

burthen and how she longed to eat adders' heads and

toads carbonadoed.

Here's one, which has a very sad tune, about a moneylender's

wife who was pregnant with twenty moneybags,

and how she wanted to eat adders' heads and

fried toads.

MOPSA

Is it true, think you?

Is it true, do you think?

AUTOLYCUS

Very true, and but a month old.

Very true, and just a month old.

DORCAS

Bless me from marrying a usurer!

Save me from marrying a money lender!

AUTOLYCUS

Here's the midwife's name to't, one Mistress

Tale-porter, and five or six honest wives that were

present. Why should I carry lies abroad?

You can see it's signed by the midwife, one Mistress

Tale-Porter, as well as five or six honest women that were

there. Why would I broadcast lies?

MOPSA

Pray you now, buy it.

Please, buy it.

Clown

Come on, lay it by: and let's first see moe

ballads; we'll buy the other things anon.

Come on, put it on one side: let's see more

ballads first; we'll buy the other things in due course.

AUTOLYCUS

Here's another ballad of a fish, that appeared upon

the coast on Wednesday the four-score of April,

forty thousand fathom above water, and sung this

ballad against the hard hearts of maids: it was

thought she was a woman and was turned into a cold

fish for she would not exchange flesh with one that

loved her: the ballad is very pitiful and as true.

Here's another ballad about a fish, that appeared

off the coast on Wednesday the 80th of April,

forty thousand fathoms out of the water, and sang

this ballad against the hard hearts of maids:

it was thought she was a woman and was turned into a cold

fish because she would not give her body to someone

who loved her: the ballot is as sad as it is true.

DORCAS

Is it true too, think you?

You think it is true as well?

AUTOLYCUS

Five justices' hands at it, and witnesses more than

my pack will hold.

Five judges have signed to it, and more witnesses

then I could fit in my pack.

Clown

Lay it by too: another.

Put that to one side too: tell us about another.

AUTOLYCUS

This is a merry ballad, but a very pretty one.

This is a jolly ballad, but a very pretty one.

MOPSA

Let's have some merry ones.

Let's have some jolly ones.

AUTOLYCUS

Why, this is a passing merry one and goes to

the tune of 'Two maids wooing a man:' there's

scarce a maid westward but she sings it; 'tis in

request, I can tell you.

Well, this is a very jolly one and goes to the

tune of ‘Two maids wooing a man:’ all

the girls to the west of here are singing it; it's

very much the fashion, I can tell you.

MOPSA

We can both sing it: if thou'lt bear a part, thou

shalt hear; 'tis in three parts.

We can both sing it: if you take a part, you

will hear it; it is in three parts.