The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (826 page)

Enter CLOTEN and the two LORDS

CLOTEN.

Was there ever man had such luck! When I kiss'd the

jack,

upon an up-cast to be hit away! I had a hundred pound on't;

and

then a whoreson jackanapes must take me up for swearing, as

if I

borrowed mine oaths of him, and might not spend them at my

pleasure.

Was anyone ever so unlucky!I kissed the jack with my bowl,

then a lucky shot knocked it away!I had a hundred pounds on it,

and then some son of a bitch monkey told me off for swearing,

as if my swearwords were borrowed from him, and I couldn't spend them as I liked.

FIRST LORD.

What got he by that? You have broke his pate with

your

bowl.

That didn't do him much good, your broke his head with your bowl.

SECOND LORD.

[Aside] If his wit had been like him that broke

it, it

would have run all out.

And if his brains were as soft as the one who broke it

they would have all run out.

CLOTEN.

When a gentleman is dispos'd to swear, it is not for

any

standers-by to curtail his oaths. Ha?

When a gentleman wants to swear, it's not the business

of any bystanders to stop him, eh?

SECOND LORD.

No, my lord; [Aside] nor crop the ears of them.

No my lord.[Aside] nor to stop them looking like asses.

CLOTEN.

Whoreson dog! I give him satisfaction? Would he had

been

one of my rank!

Son of a bitch!Should I take up his challenge?I wish

he'd been one of my own class!

SECOND LORD.

[Aside] To have smell'd like a fool.

Then he'd stink.

CLOTEN.

I am not vex'd more at anything in th' earth. A pox

on't! I

had rather not be so noble as I am; they dare not fight with

me,

because of the Queen my mother. Every jackslave hath his

bellyful

of fighting, and I must go up and down like a cock that

nobody

can match.

It's the most annoying thing ever.Curse it!

I'd rather not be so noble; they dare not fight with me,

because the Queen is my mother.Every common man gets

as much fighting as he wants, while I have to parade about

like a cock nobody has a fit opponent for.

SECOND LORD.

[Aside] You are cock and capon too; and you crow,

cock, with your comb on.

You're a cock and an idiot, crowing, "I'm a cock!"

CLOTEN.

Sayest thou?

What are you saying?

SECOND LORD.

It is not fit your lordship should undertake every

companion that you give offence to.

That your lord shouldn't have to fight

every man you offend.

CLOTEN.

No, I know that; but it is fit I should commit offence

to

my inferiors.

No, I know that; but it is right that I should

offend my inferiors.

SECOND LORD.

Ay, it is fit for your lordship only.

Yes, just for your lordship.

CLOTEN.

Why, so I say.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

FIRST LORD.

Did you hear of a stranger that's come to court

to-night?

Did you hear about a stranger who came to the court tonight?

CLOTEN.

A stranger, and I not known on't?

A stranger, and I wasn't told about it?

SECOND LORD.

[Aside] He's a strange fellow himself, and knows

it

not.

He's a strange fellow himself, and doesn't know it.

FIRST LORD.

There's an Italian come, and, 'tis thought, one of

Leonatus' friends.

There's an Italian come, who's thought to be

a friend of Leonatus.

CLOTEN.

Leonatus? A banish'd rascal; and he's another,

whatsoever

he be. Who told you of this stranger?

Leonatus?An exiled rascal, and he's another one,

whoever he is.Who told you about this stranger?

FIRST LORD.

One of your lordship's pages.

One of your lordship's pages.

CLOTEN.

Is it fit I went to look upon him? Is there no

derogation

in't?

Would it be right for me to go and see him?

I wouldn't be lowering myself?

SECOND LORD.

You cannot derogate, my lord.

You can't go any lower, my lord.

CLOTEN.

Not easily, I think.

Not easily, I think.

SECOND LORD.

[Aside] You are a fool granted; therefore your

issues,

being foolish, do not derogate.

We all know you're a fool, so your foolish business

can't debase you.

CLOTEN.

Come, I'll go see this Italian. What I have lost to-day

at

bowls I'll win to-night of him. Come, go.

Come, I'll have a look at this Italian.What I lost today

at bowling I'll win off him tonight.Come, let's go.

SECOND LORD.

I'll attend your lordship.

Exeunt CLOTEN and FIRST LORD

That such a crafty devil as is his mother

Should yield the world this ass! A woman that

Bears all down with her brain; and this her son

Cannot take two from twenty, for his heart,

And leave eighteen. Alas, poor princess,

Thou divine Imogen, what thou endur'st,

Betwixt a father by thy step-dame govern'd,

A mother hourly coining plots, a wooer

More hateful than the foul expulsion is

Of thy dear husband, than that horrid act

Of the divorce he'd make! The heavens hold firm

The walls of thy dear honour, keep unshak'd

That temple, thy fair mind, that thou mayst stand

T' enjoy thy banish'd lord and this great land!

Exit

I'll follow your lordship.

How did such a crafty devil as his mother

produce such an idiot!She's a woman

who can outthink anybody, and here's her son

who can't subtract two from twenty and leave

eighteen to save his life.Alas, poor princess,

divine Imogen, what you've had to endure,

between a father ruled by your stepmother,

a mother who's always making up new plots,

a suitor who's even more horrible than

the exile of your husband, more horrible

than the divorce he wants you to have!May the heavens

help you keep your honour intact, don't disturb

your temple, that lovely mind, so you can survive

to enjoy your banished lord and this great country!

Enter IMOGEN in her bed, and a LADY attending

IMOGEN.

Who's there? My woman? Helen?

Who's there?My woman?Helen?

LADY.

Please you, madam.

If you please, madam.

IMOGEN.

What hour is it?

What's the time?

LADY.

Almost midnight, madam.

Almost midnight, madam.

IMOGEN.

I have read three hours then. Mine eyes are weak;

Fold down the leaf where I have left. To bed.

Take not away the taper, leave it burning;

And if thou canst awake by four o' th' clock,

I prithee call me. Sleep hath seiz'd me wholly. Exit LADY

To your protection I commend me, gods.

From fairies and the tempters of the night

Guard me, beseech ye!

[Sleeps. IACHIMO comes from the trunk]

I've been reading for three hours then.My eyes are tired;

fold down the page I got to.I'm for bed.

Don't take away the candle, leave it burning;

if you can wake up at four o'clock,

please wake me.Sleep has overcome me.

I give myself to your protection, gods.

I beg that you guard me against

fairies and demons!

IACHIMO.

The crickets sing, and man's o'er-labour'd sense

Repairs itself by rest. Our Tarquin thus

Did softly press the rushes ere he waken'd

The chastity he wounded. Cytherea,

How bravely thou becom'st thy bed! fresh lily,

And whiter than the sheets! That I might touch!

But kiss; one kiss! Rubies unparagon'd,

How dearly they do't! 'Tis her breathing that

Perfumes the chamber thus. The flame o' th' taper

Bows toward her and would under-peep her lids

To see th' enclosed lights, now canopied

Under these windows white and azure, lac'd

With blue of heaven's own tinct. But my design

To note the chamber. I will write all down:

Such and such pictures; there the window; such

Th' adornment of her bed; the arras, figures-

Why, such and such; and the contents o' th' story.

Ah, but some natural notes about her body

Above ten thousand meaner movables

Would testify, t' enrich mine inventory.

O sleep, thou ape of death, lie dull upon her!

And be her sense but as a monument,

Thus in a chapel lying! Come off, come off;

[Taking off her bracelet]

As slippery as the Gordian knot was hard!

'Tis mine; and this will witness outwardly,

As strongly as the conscience does within,

To th' madding of her lord. On her left breast

A mole cinque-spotted, like the crimson drops

I' th' bottom of a cowslip. Here's a voucher

Stronger than ever law could make; this secret