The Conscious Heart (17 page)

In this wave a true partnership forms. We become connected through our essence, not our personas. A genuine mutual creativity develops where both partners can express themselves creatively from essence. During the conflict and power struggle of the earlier
waves, they could not look toward the horizon together, toward what they want to create. In the sixth wave both of them are more committed to the horizon—to realizing their mutual goals—than to the drama of conflict.

Many couples never reach the sixth wave because their unconscious commitment to drama and conflict is stronger than their commitment to mutual creativity. People who do attain it often have miniwaves within it, in which they go back and forth between making their dreams real and getting sucked back into power struggles. However, as the feeling of space and essence grows inside them and in the relationship, they feel less compelled to continue those struggles.

One couple who has been involved in our work for several years told us recently that they realized, even after four years of marriage, that they weren’t as close as they wanted to be. They had been more interested in recycling a power struggle, in which each of them believed that the other held them back from really enjoying life and creative possibilities. After a recent training the husband, Tony, decided to really be transparent. He told Julie that he hadn’t really been committed to their relationship. In contrast to whatever reaction you might imagine she had, his openness stimulated her to claim what she wanted. “I want to be happy
now
!” she said. “I don’t want to wait ten years while we suffer and struggle. I want to be committed
now
!” Each of them saw that they were frightened to step out of the familiar swamp where they both could be fairly comfortable victims. They didn’t know how to be happy. But they decided to go ahead and choose happiness now, to be committed now. Almost immediately they began seeing new possibilities for remodeling their house, so that each of them could do their artwork and have some separate space.

They’ve also become more permeable to getting feedback from each other. They had agreed to give and receive information whenever either of them seemed stuck. At first Julie said that she bristled at someone telling her what to do (her fighting response to fear). But she didn’t sink into the old swamp. Instead she sprang
into appreciating and using the feedback of her “best friend” in order to be happy now. As Tony and Julie noticed, the time they spent on drama and conflict became less and less. It virtually disappears in the seventh wave.

The Seventh Wave
Living in Co-Creation

No longer addicted to conflict and drama, the partnership now rests in essence and lives on a continuous wave of rebirth. Creativity, appreciation, abundance, and rekindled romance characterize the union. The partners notice an increase in synchronous flow, in which what is needed appears and daily tasks move smoothly and easily. Paula, whose relationship is in the seventh wave, told us: “What seemed possible that hadn’t previously occurred was a union of true equality. A union of mutual respect, equal energy exchange and input, equal willingness to grow, to be close, to ‘meet’ the other. Actually, we seem to naturally and effortlessly meet each other, and that ease was an exhilarating surprise.” Time seems to expand, so that everything can happen without strain.

In our research on approximately three thousand couples, we have identified about 5 percent as being in seventh wave partnerships. At first glance, 150 couples out of three thousand may not seem like many. But take heart—we have to start somewhere, and compared with our parents’ generation or our grandparents’, perhaps 5 percent is not doing too badly. We hope these figures will inspire you to try to reach the seventh wave rather than depress you. After all, only about 5 percent of the citizens participated in the American Revolution, and look where we ended up just a couple of hundred years later.

We asked these couples in a survey, “What surprised you about what it takes to have a thriving relationship?” Here are some of their reflections.

• “At first I was surprised by how difficult it is. The myth of ‘happily ever after if I find the right prince’ was quite compelling. Now I am surprised by how simple it is … it is not
easy
, but it is very simple.”

• “To thrive you must free each other up—empower each other, not control them or attempt to take care of them.”

• “Increasingly I’ve learned that the deepest joy is not so much in being
loved
—though that is certainly a delight!—but in being and expressing love in relation to the ‘other.’ ”

• “
Surprise!
… that I created who showed up and my experience … I was responsible. I was truly a frog and had to eat what bugged me, my projections.”

• “That the deeper the intimacy with one’s mate, the greater and wider one’s capacity is to embrace others and the world. True intimacy
in
cludes a greater and greater sphere. It is not an
ex
cluding or separating activity.”

• “Surprisingly, one of the most fulfilling aspects of our relationship has been our co-creativity. We dream of projects together that neither of us could accomplish alone.… We augment each other’s skills and make a great team—and we have a lot of fun doing it!”

Richard and Toni Merrick, who have participated in our work for several years, journeyed through the seven waves:

TONI: In the first relationship training we attended, we realized we each carried a belief that marriage is not fun. Richard’s grandfather repeatedly told his father, “Marriage is hell!” Both of us had spent a considerable amount of time in recovery from addictions and codependency and felt ready to make a new commitment. In that training we adopted a new vision that marriage could be about joy and companionship.

RICHARD: For a long time I felt stuck in a very unhappy relationship with a long list of specific complaints about Toni.
I felt constantly tense and obsessed about what to do to change things.

TONI: I began to look at how much I needed to blame Richard and how invested I was in it! Finally I saw what I really wanted and faced my terror of thinking I didn’t know how or what to do and shifted into wanting the relationship more than wanting to be a victim. I still didn’t
really
want to give up blaming, and I notice that I still blame occasionally.

RICHARD: I began to step back and take a fresh look at what I really wanted. I saw that I was creating what was happening and was truly 100 percent responsible for what I was experiencing. Then some obvious questions began to occur to me. For example, instead of focusing on how to win an argument, I asked myself if I liked arguing. I found that I really don’t. I asked, “How can I step out of this arguing and into the state of body and mind that I really enjoy?” Boy, this took a lot of practice, but I get better at it every day. I had to acknowledge the part of me that wanted—needed—the negative intensity of the power struggles. Learning to tune in to my body sensations that told me what I was really feeling gave me essential information in my search for my own truth and my wish to be present in my body, in my relationship, and in the world. In my body sensations I began to be able to tell the difference between a victim attitude and my true creative impulses. The more I knew my own truth, the easier it was to be honest with Toni and others. I particularly appreciated the encouragement and love that Toni and I gave each other as we were learning these skills.

Early on, the six co-commitments from
Conscious Loving
gave me a wake-up call about how to approach my relationship differently. The idea of 100 percent responsibility, telling the microscopic truth, and keeping my agreements were radical at first. Yet soon so much positive energy returned and built on itself that it encouraged more excursions into telling
my truth about what I really wanted and then risking creating it. Seeing that this process works raised my self-esteem and confidence that I could take charge of my world, and the upward spiral continued.

TONI: Now the most important moment for me is recognizing when I am triggered, which I notice through body sensations in my middle and a
yamma-yamma
in my head. I realize then that I’m caught in fear and in a feeling that I’m being blamed and accused of not being good enough. I’ve learned to let go of the need to be right, listen consciously to Richard, and breathe more fully to quiet the one inside who still wants to jump forward and defend. This is the most important shift I’ve learned. Love, love, love, remembering that perspective above all else, has been invaluable. I’m amazed how much I can shift when I’m love-centered.

We’ve been having fewer and fewer arguments. With all this freed-up energy, we’ve been working together more as a team. We generate synergy and create from that: relationship workshops, energizing activities in our relationship, singing together, great sex, more fun with our kids. We appreciate each other’s contributions daily in actually creating our vision of joy and companionship.

The SOUL-CHOICES

We can all obtain the pleasures and glories of the seventh wave by repeatedly making seven soul-choices. These are the navigational practices of the path, the moment-to-moment choices you make to create genuine intimacy. Think of these choices as the lifelong learning curriculum of close relationships.

We call them soul-choices because each of the seven takes you closer to your own essence and to the essence of the other person. In the early years of our own relationship, we discovered that we were presented with choice-moments repeatedly. They
came fast and furious, often by the minute, and certainly by the hour. As we learned to make these choices, not only did they become much easier, but we had to make them less often.

Each time you make one of these soul-choices, you step into harmony with your soul-commitments. For example, if you are caught in a difficult choice-moment—perhaps to tell the truth about your feelings or to hide them—you honor your commitment to honesty by making the soul-choice to reveal instead of conceal. After making this move a few times, then a few hundred times, your commitment becomes real and alive.

The First Soul-Choice
Generosity

On a shopping trip to our favorite area of Denver, Gay suggested we walk around together for a while, and then split up so he could have some time alone sipping an espresso. Kathlyn readily agreed, and Gay said he appreciated how she didn’t complain about his request but rather supported his need. Kathlyn replied, “Well, I love you, and I want you to have whatever increases your happiness.”

In that simple exchange we recognized the foundation of the path of the conscious heart: the shift from scarcity to generosity. Instead of demanding, “What’s in it for me?” we wonder, “How can I nurture the essence of both of us?” We look for and support essence in each other and in ourselves. Whatever supports essence in one supports essence in both partners. Supporting essence awakens and reawakens your deepest connection with yourself and with each other.