The Cries of the Butterfly - A LOVE STORY (19 page)

“I think it would be very wrong for you to be Wolf’s daughter under the circumstances. I don’t think you should agree to go home with him, for then it would be a lie and it would be so very demeaning to you.”

Robin’s stricken face had turned an ashy gray. She sat huddled on the stone bench, staring in front of her, as if in shock, her left hand squeezed between her thighs. Tears glistened in the corner of her eyes.

Oh, how cruel can you be, woman!
Savannah chided herself. But what other way was there? What else could she do? Was she to remain unhappy all her life, then?
Don’t think about it—don’t look at the girl. Just get it done and over with and go home. You can’t take the burden of the world upon your soul.

“You can remain his friend, you can keep visiting him over weekends, just like at present,” Savannah said. “But please do not commit the mistake of living a lie. For then, you can never be truly happy, knowing it is someone else that is being loved, not really you.” She was hammering the points in, making the coffin airtight.

Robin seemed not to be breathing at all, so still had she become. There was an acute forlorn look on her face, and Savannah felt a shiver run down her spine.
How can you do this to her, a girl who has begun to trust you, to love you, who so obviously wants to call you ‘Mom’.

And yet the words kept flowing. “I don’t think you should tell Wolf this. There’s no point, really. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you either, but you needed to know, for your future is at stake here. You don’t want to go through life deceiving yourself, do you?” She felt sick.

But she ignored it. Her jaw tightened and she cursed herself.
Why the hell are you doing this to yourself?

“If you tell Wolf, he might pick a fight with me. We might even break up. And you know how much he loves me. If we break up, he shall hurt...oh, he shall hurt terribly. Would you like that? Would you want to have that sin on your head?”

Mary!
She felt so soiled, so ugly, she wanted to run out of her skin and hide someplace. She almost grabbed Robin. Again she resisted, and the effort broke sweat on her brow.
Oh, at least let me touch her!
But she realized she couldn’t. As if the girl had suddenly become an untouchable. Or...
perhaps I am the untouchable one
—so repulsed Savannah was with herself. She looked away—she couldn’t bear to look at Robin anymore. She told herself that once married to Wolf, she would see to it that the girl lacked for nothing—she could have the best education and all the comforts of life. She, Savannah, would even try to get her adopted by another affluent family.

It should have made her feel better. Instead, a dull pain had begun in her chest, a pain that made breathing difficult. It had grown dark and various tubes and bulbs threw white and yellow light across the Home grounds.

Savannah took a jerky gulp of air and straightened.

“Alright, it’s time for me to leave,” she said, her voice a croak she didn’t recognize. She made one final effort. “Think about what I said very carefully.” She got to her feet. Then without another glance at Robin, she rushed away.

.

R
obin lay in her bed and waited.

The dorm lights had been switched off some ten minutes ago, but the girls were still whispering to each other. She could distantly make out Moon-Moon’s voice addressing her from the top bunk, but she didn’t hear the words and didn’t respond. Sister Toynette appeared and scolded in the dark and the room went hush. Still, Robin waited a while more. When instinct told her that everyone had finally fallen asleep, she slowly sat up.

Her actions now were automatic, as if she were some programmed robot. She slided her hand under the pillow and fished out a key. She trudged over to her closet and tried to open it, but the key wouldn’t go into the slit. She realized then that her hand was shaking badly. She leaned her shoulder against the wood, and thus steadying herself, somehow got the key in.

Before she could even see inside, Stripey leapt out and onto her shoulder, like a severely wound spring set free. He stood on two legs and began sniffing her face, then her ears, then got atop her head. It seemed to be his new favorite perch.

Somehow, Robin straightened to her feet, and she left the room and headed for the terrace, Stripey’s grub packet in her left hand.

The breeze was up tonight and it somewhat sensitized her numb flesh. Slumped on the floor, her back limp against the parapet, she absently watched Stripey nibble at the food she had laid out.

And then it all came back again—the woman, her words...the awful but true things she had said. An excruciating pain started somewhere in her pectus. As if someone had begun hammering a nail in it. Her life was over. She had lost everything in a flash. There was no more Daddy, no Mom, no beautiful house. Suddenly everything had been snatched from her, leaving her all alone and abandoned. What was she going to do now? A deep despair filled her core—a hopelessness that swelled rapidly until it swamped every vein in her body, soaked her every cell. Suddenly her belly heaved; she jerked forward and began to retch.

.

H
ow long she had been on the terrace she had no idea, but surely it was well past midnight, for the night was so still it seemed the world had died. Not a being budged anywhere, not a leaf stirred. The air lay on its back in contemplative quiescence. Not a star twinkled in the heavens, not a cloud quivered in the firmament. All sounds and smells lay huddled in abeyance in their seats. Not a thought traversed through space.

Stripey lay curled up against Robin’s foot, wholly unaware of his mistress’ plight. He was full of belly and satiated of soul and now drifting happily in some other world.

Robin was lying on her left side on the floor, barely breathing. Specks of drying puke stuck to the edges of her mouth and over her dress. She could feel the pulse of her right temple pounding. Her throat was raw and burned. Her face hurt. Her head hurt too. The stub of her right arm throbbed, the pain so severe it made her eyes water. But she didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore and she wished she were dead. Stripey stirred, changed position slightly, then went comatose again. Happy Stripey. Lucky Stripey.

Something moved in front of her. Instinctively she sat up and covered Stripey with her hand, sub-consciously recollecting what had happened to Naughty. No, she wouldn’t allow Stripey to be snatched away from her...and in that she realized she could not die. She had to live for Stripey; he was all she had left. The movement became more pronounced. Robin cowered back, her eyes going wide with terror. She grabbed Stripey and shielded him against her chest.

She realized someone was standing before her. But her sight was too foggy for her to make out anything.
Sister Toynette
, was her first thought. But some intuition told her it couldn’t be her. From somewhere deep her heart cried out,
Daddy!

But for the first time, she shrank from him. She didn’t want to see him anymore. For the first time ever, the thought of him made her nauseous with a bizarre mix of yearning and revulsion.
You are no longer my daddy, no longer. You go away, oh, just go away!

***

Wolf
checked himself in the mirror one last time this Saturday morning of April 5th. It was eight-thirty and he had shaved, showered, and he ran his hand over his sleek chin. Considering everything, he didn’t look too bad. His eyes were a bit puffed and his face a tad pale, but that wasn’t much, although he was sure Robin would hit upon it and query him. If only she’d seen him the way he’d been the whole week. Anyways, it was time to go fetch his little girl from the Home.

He thought of Grant. Late last night, Wolf had been sauntering around the garden pointlessly, when suddenly he had been accosted.

“Son, please spare me a minute,” Grant had said, stepping in front of Wolf and forcing him to stop. “I need to ask you something and I beg complete honesty from you.” There had been a look on his face of a very disturbed man who nonetheless was bravely trying to be strong. “I shall be forthright. Are you on dope?”

Wolf looked away, but Grant immediately grabbed his chin and turned his face back to him.

“No, do not evade me. Please!” he pleaded. “Whatever it is, I am here for you. But I must know. Please come clean with me, I beg you.”

Wolf regarded him for a second. The desperation he saw on Dad’s face, mixed with near helplessness, made Wolf feel so bad, he bit his lip. He had never seen Dad, a man otherwise so strong, so solid, like this before and Wolf cussed himself.
After all that he has done for you, you keep screwing him over and over...
In that instant, Wolf truly hated himself.

“Son?”

Wolf shook his head. “Not what you think, sir. But yes, I do take sleeping pills.”

“Nothing else?”

“And beer.”

“But no cocaine, no heroin, no meth...none of that kind of stuff?” A twinkle of hope had come to the gray eyes.

“I swear nothing else, sir,” he said, and it must have been the way he said it, or perhaps the look in his eyes, but he saw Grant almost hunch in relief.

“Well, never mind.” And Wolf thought what he really meant was
well, that is not so bad, after all.
“But even that is not good, son. You must kick it before it becomes a serious dependency.”

“I will, sir, I promise.”

Grant nodded. “I shall say only one more thing, son—think of Robin. Nothing else is more important. The little girl needs you and depends on you. You cannot fail her now. You have made your pledge to her.”

And in that, Wolf had found resolution.

He had gone to bed without requisitioning either a sleeping aid or alcohol, and although he hadn’t managed to fall asleep until four am, he felt relatively refreshed.

As he dressed now, he wondered when he would tell his little girl about Savannah. Sooner or later she’d have to know. He had decided he’d tell her that it hadn’t worked out between them...that they had childishly rushed into things after knowing each other for barely a few hours. He could never tell her that the woman had rejected her—what hurt that would cause. But he would promise his baby that he would get her a new mom and very soon at that.

For, lying in bed last night, Wolf had made some crucial decisions. His only concern now was to seek a spouse. Falling in love didn’t come into the equation anymore—not only was he not inclined after Savannah, there was no time for it. The urgent need was to bring Robin home and a fortnight was what he had given himself. It was a goal which had inspirited him ever since waking up this morning. Robin was his sole priority now—a woman was incidental.

But he’d have to be careful; she would have to be a good—
nay, a great—
mother to Robin. That would be the only criteria. His thoughts went to Rochelle.
What irony!
Wolf thought dryly.
Here is perfect mother material in every way and she can’t conceive.
Nor was she available, or he’d have snatched her.
Can life get any crueler?
If only he could get someone even close to Roch, he’d consider himself a blessed man.

There was a knock on the door then. He called out, thinking it would be Rochelle. But it was Grant.

He had a broad glowing smile on his vigorous face, which almost startled Wolf.

“Got a second, son?”

“Yes, of course, sir.”

“Ah, you look good today.” There was a joy on Dad’s face that Wolf hadn’t seen in days and he wondered what it was about. “Okay, let me cut out the nonsense,” Grant added, waving his hands with uncharacteristic effusiveness. “There is something for you, son.” Then he stood aside.

Three people appeared from behind him. One was Robin. The other was the little chipmunk, Stripey. The third was Savannah.

.

“
H
ello, Wolf,” Savannah said quietly from the doorway. She and Robin were holding hands.

Wolf looked at her, then at his daughter. Robin’s face looked tired, almost depleted, as if she had been sick, and Wolf would have been very worried, but for another curious expression on the girl’s face. An expression of genuine joy, of true contentment.

“May we come in?” Savannah said, a little tentatively.

But Wolf remained speechless.

Robin now left Savannah’s side and ran over to Wolf. He blinked, then knelt and took his baby in his arms, feeling the chipmunk jump onto his shoulder.

He kissed his Butterfly on both cheeks. “This is a surprise,” he finally uttered.

“Nice?” There was a proud look on the Butterfly’s face. “Every time you come to fetch me, today Mom brought me home. We surprised you, yes?”

Mom?!
He was genuinely shocked. He looked over Robin’s shoulder at Savannah.

“She said it was alright for me to call her
Mom
,” Robin beamed.

Wolf’s mind stood frozen.

*

S
avannah had found no peace since leaving Robin alone on the stone bench this evening.

She had tossed and turned in bed, the stricken girl’s image loud on her brain. Her psyche gave her no respite. And yet, she wasn’t ready to abandon her own self. All her life had been a bitter struggle for survival. No more. She deserved some happiness now.