THE CRITIC (19 page)

He was calling her name but she ignored him as she hurried to her car.  She wanted to run but didn’t want him to know she felt hurt or betrayed.

“Toreas, wait, let me explain.”

He was directly behind her now.  She felt the weight of her bag leave her arms and head for the ground. In that instant she was aware of what she was about to do.

She attempted an uppercut to the jaw only to have him capture her arm.  Then with the right she tried a hammer fist.  She looked at him in surprise.

“Kelle’s been teaching me too.”

If she weren’t so furious, she would have found the whole thing hilarious.  The thought vanished almost as quickly as it came. 

Jared was standing closer to her than before.  To top it off, Kelle had taught Jared how to deflect her punches.  She was doubly betrayed.

For a moment she felt a bit like a woman in an historical who runs away screaming from the man she loves only to have him tower over her and kiss her, overpowering her with his love.

Well, Jared was towering over her but he was making no move to kiss her.
Luckily for him,
she thought. Toreas closed her eyes for a scant moment as she flexed the fingers of both hands.

“Toreas, you need to give me a chance to explain.”

“What you mean is I need to give you time to think of another lie.” Toreas blinked away the tears that threatened to come. “Jared, I should have known all long that you were lying, that this was all a part of some story you were probably doing. You must really think I’m stupid.”

“As a matter of fact at this moment I do think you’re behaving as though you’re stupid. How could you even begin to believe that nonsense, that I’m working on a story by being with you. We’re dating. We’ve been dating for three months now. We’re a couple, Toreas, we’re in a relationship. This is not how a relationship work, not one of us jumping to conclusions and not allowing the other a chance to explain.”

“Now you’re a relationship expert?”

“Well, I’m more of one than you are. At least I’ve had a relationship in the last decade. And by that, yes, I mean I’ve had a physical relationship and I’ve never had to beg for it. Do you think I’ve been putting up with your nonsense just to get into your pants? Listen, if all I wanted from you were sex I could have had that long ago and don’t give me that look. I could have. We haven’t made love because I’ve respected your wishes. I’ve taken it slow so you would trust me. I wanted you to know this was more than sex for me.”

“And the trust, Jared, do you still want that?”

“Yes, Toreas, I not only want it I demand it. If we’re going to have a relationship I demand that you trust me.”

“After what you’ve done, you want me to trust you?”

“Do I even get a trial, Toreas? Or are you just going to execute me because of all the horrible things you think I’ve done? Listen, if you’re that damn determined not to have a life then I don’t think I want to be with you anyway. You’re still an uptight, snooty little morals policewoman who thinks she’s better than anyone else. You think it makes you sanctimonious to not make love when you’re hornier than hell. You’re a liar. You lie to yourself and you lie to me. And I don’t call you on that do I?”  He was scowling. “This is your call. You tell me what it is you want.”

A couple of seconds was all that it would take for her to regain her focus.  That much she knew, she’d used the technique her entire life to blot out hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  She used it now and as always, it worked.

“Excuse me, Jared,” Toreas said in a voice so calm that she amazed herself.  There was not a trace of emotion anywhere.  No, that she would keep buried until later. What she wanted was not to be made a fool of once again, not to have everyone in the chapter know that Jared was still more than likely taking potshot at the writers. She groaned. “What I want, Jared, is for you to get out of my sight, my chapter and my life. Leave me alone.”

As Jared moved away she retrieved her bag, opened the door to her car, got in and drove away. And she did it all without looking at him.

So what would come next? she wondered.
If this were merely fiction, it would be time for the dark moment, when everything looks as if it’s within my reach only to be snatched away.

For the last few months her life had been going according to some script that someone somewhere in the universe must have written. 

If this were a story Toreas wouldn’t be surprised to find Jared waiting for her when she reached home.  Only she wasn’t ready to play this part.  Besides, she knew Jared was not going to come to her crawling on his hands and knees. That was not his way and she knew it. But just in case, maybe she’d find someplace to go and maybe she’d stay for a couple of hours. She’d almost had that elusive something that she’d sought. It had been within reach. But how could any relationship survive on lies? She frowned into the darkness of her car. Jared had called her a liar. But her lying about her desires didn’t come close to his lie to her.

But a lie is a lie
.
Damn him
, she thought as Jared’s voice droned in her head. Would she now have to hear Jared’s voice in her head as one of her internal critics.

Jared looked at Toreas’s car.  He wasn’t in the mood to chase after her, not tonight.  Besides, they would only end up where they had begun. He was angry with himself for deceiving her. He loved her and, damn it, she loved him. He clenched his teeth. Loving this woman was going to cause harm to one of them, he was sure. By now he thought he had to have an ulcer. His stomach was burning like crazy. Of course he’d known what he was doing was wrong and of course he’d known Toreas would be pissed, but still he hadn’t been prepared for the ice in her eyes, for her to write him off without giving him a chance to explain. He wasn’t prepared for her to take away her trust.

He looked back toward the building at the rest of the women coming out.  Someone called out to him asking if he was going to the restaurant.

He waved a hand and shouted back, “No.”  He couldn’t sit with the women tonight.  They were happy about his new approach to romance writers.  If he had to name the one thing he was proud of, it was that.

Toreas paced in front of her door for over an hour when she finally returned home. She was annoyed that she was still waiting for Jared to ring her bell so she could buzz him up and slam the door in his face.  He never showed.

Doesn’t he understand the way this thing is supposed to work
? Toreas fumed silently.
You’d think the least he could do since he had the gall to join the group was to read a few novels.

Then he would at least know he should be at her house groveling, begging her to forgive him for lying to her, for sponging off her for over a month, for breaking bread under false pretenses. For making her believe in him and in them, for starting a relationship with her while deceiving her. For dating her for over three months without saying a word. As angry as she was with Jared, she wanted him there explaining and she wanted him to have a darn good explanation.

She glared at the door in anger. It was obvious Jared wasn’t going to show.  Now Toreas was angry for a different reason.  Tonight had been the night she was going to give in to her desires.  She’d thought it time to take the lid off the cookie jar. She thought about the package of condoms she’d bought and tucked into the side table next to her bed. She was ready. A shiver raced down her spine. She was more than ready.

Toreas replayed the evening in her mind. The strange look in Jared’s eyes when she’d told him to come over, the slight sadness and worry that she’d spotted. Could it have anything at all to do with this mess? Then she remembered his words: “I have something important to tell you.”

What was it he’d wanted to say? She glanced toward the phone, wishing now she’d given him a chance to explain.  He’d promised to tell her something important.
Darn him anyway.
She stalked through her apartment snapping off the lights.
He should be here begging me to forgive him. 

Anger was burning in him so hot that he needed something cold to douse the fire.  Jared grabbed a cold beer and downed it, hoping to douse the fiery anger that burned in his gut. No such luck.

He crumpled the can and reached for another, wondering how many more it would take to cool the fires of his anger. It sure as hell would take a lot more than two to cool his passion.

Jared brought the can close to his face and examined it.  There was nothing in there that would even begin to make the hunger he was feeling recede into the background.  Just the thought of Toreas made Jared angry all over again.  He didn’t like that she’d taken control over his life and emotions so completely.  He didn’t like it one little bit.

He turned his head to glare at the phone. The silence was mocking him. She wouldn’t call and he knew it. She was too damn stubborn.  Despite what his common sense told him, Jared automatically checked for the flash of the answering machine beside it.  

There was no blinking red light to give him hope that this time Toreas had called to say she was sorry, to ask for his forgiveness.

He wouldn’t be the one to call her. 
To hell with her and to hell with loving her.
  Now he was glad that he hadn’t told her that he loved her.  If Toreas couldn’t trust him enough to wait for his explanation, then he didn’t need her. 

Jared downed the second beer and reached for a third, feeling the ache in his groin calling him a liar. He could not help conjuring up a picture of the way Toreas had looked tonight.  Beautiful.  And for only the third time since he’d met her, her clothes fit.

The smile on her lips and in her eyes was beckoning to him still. They should be celebrating.

Together. 

Instead they were both angry.

And alone.

Jared took another sip of the cold beer, knowing it would take a lot more than that to put out the fire he was feeling.

Chapter Sixteen

Toreas awoke cranky and unfulfilled.  Last night was supposed to have been magical.  She had no idea who was writing the script for her life, but she sure wanted to edit it.  There needed to be some big changes.

She’d given Jared’s kisses too much power.  All because she’d floated, all because she’d fallen in love with Jared, something she’d thought she was too smart to do.  Enough of that nonsense.

There was one person who could talk her out of her funk and hopefully bring her back to planet Earth. She waited impatiently for Liz to answer. The memories of Jared’s taste, his smell, his touch were driving her to distraction. “God, Liz, answer the phone.”

    “Hello. Ryan, stop that,” Liz yelled at her youngest son. “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” 

Toreas smiled to herself.  This was more like it.  Her friend reprimanding her son was normal, natural and familiar. This was her world. This part of her life Toreas could understand. “Hey, how are you?” she inquired of Liz.

“Don’t give me that.  What’s going on with you and Jared?  I saw the look you shot him when I mentioned his show.”

“What look?”

“The look that said you wished he was dead.  Come on, what gives?”

Toreas didn’t want to tell her, but she wanted to talk about it and there was no better person to do it with than Liz.  “I…oh never mind.  It doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t matter?”

Toreas pulled a stray hair strand into her mouth and pulled on it with her teeth, thinking how she’d cut it and hot combed it to look nice for Jared. As soon as she showered and washed her hair it would be back to her afro. What was she doing anyway?  She had no hold on Jared, yet she felt betrayed.  Liz would probably think she was acting childish if she told her.

“Toreas, come on, spit it out.  What are friends for if you can’t tell them your troubles?”

“It’s just that he…” Toreas closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Telling Liz would be admitting she cared for Jared. “He told me he had quit the show a few months ago. He lied to me.”

Toreas bit her lip, wanting Liz to volunteer more information but when she didn’t, she was forced into asking, “Was Jared ever off the air at Channel One?”

“I don’t know. I only tuned in because one of the women from Southeast called and said she was on his show.  I hadn’t known anything about him quitting.  Hold
on a minute. Ryan, cut it out”

A smile tugged at the corners of Toreas’s lips. She sent a silent thank you to Ryan for giving her a moment to calm her jittery nerves.

There was a slight pause. Toreas was aware she was putting more questions in Liz’s mind. She could practically see her taking out her pen and beginning chapter two.

“Why did Jared tell you he quit?”

She was almost too embarrassed to answer. “It was after they aired the tape of me saying Kelle taught us karate to debate him.”

“Oh that.  Still, it doesn’t make any sense.  That was mild compared with some of the things Jared said on the air.”

Toreas closed her eyes, willing the pain of betrayal away from her mind and her heart. “It’s just that Jared promised me he wasn’t taping our conversation.”

“Conversation? What conversation?”

Toreas didn’t blame Liz for being confused. “I called him to finally put an end to our feud. It was before he joined our group, before I started helping him.”  She caught herself before admitting it was also before she fell hopelessly in love with him.

“That was what, four or five months ago?”

“About.” Toreas could answer her to the very second, but Liz didn’t need to know that.  Just as she didn’t need to know about her actually asking Jared to sleep with her.  What a fool she’d been.

She’d thought she was smart, that she was going into this thing with her eyes open.  She had never intended to fall in love with him.  God, she was stupid. Her life was an exact duplicate of the novels Jared despised.

“Liz, I forgot to ask you. Did you mail your manuscript off to the contest?”  Toreas had to change the direction of the conversation.  She was feeling too wounded to have Liz pick the scabs off her heart today.

“This morning, how about you?”

“Yesterday.”  Toreas breathed easier, knowing she’d successfully turned her friend’s attention away from her interest in Jared.

“You know, I’m thinking of going to the
Autumn Authors’
Conference in Lisle.  Are you going?”

“One hundred twenty-five dollars is a lot of money.  I don’t know.” Toreas hesitated. She sighed, wanting for once to splurge. She could hear the excitement in Liz’s voice and wanted to go to the conference. It would only take a little coaxing.

“Come on, Toreas, you’re right down the street from the hotel, not even five minutes away. You don’t even have to stay at the hotel. You can go home at night.”

She glanced down at the brochure in her hand that she’d picked up only moments ago. She wondered if Jared was thinking of going. After all, he lived in
Chicago and it would take him two hours to travel back and forth each day of the conference.   Until this moment Toreas would have never dreamt of spending that kind of money on a conference.  Now it didn’t matter. In two months she was giving up her dream anyway.

She had made her decision sometime during the night.  She was going to return to
Georgia and give up all this nonsense.  She would marry the first man her father shoved in her face. That was probably how the script was written anyway. 

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course I am,” Toreas answered, wondering what Liz had said.

“Then tell me what I said.”

“This is childish.  I’m not going to play this game with you.”

“That’s because you weren’t listening. You know, if I didn’t know better I would think you’d fallen for Jared.  Nah, he’s much too flashy for you and too big.  You like small men, don’t you?”

Liz was beginning to annoy her, making Toreas wish she’d never called.  “What do you mean, I like small men?”

“No offense, but you’re short.  What would you ever do with a man like Jared?  I can’t even picture the two of you kissing.  My God, the man would have to break his back to bend down to you.”

“Or I could simply float up into his arms.”

“What?  What are you talking about?”

“Never mind.”  Toreas’s ego was bruised.  What she heard Liz saying was that Jared would never be interested in her.  And that she knew already.

She did have to clear up one little point before she stopped talking to Liz, maybe forever.  “I don’t like my men small, thank you very much.” 

Liz was laughing on the other end.  Now Toreas was quickly going from annoyed to angry.  “Why are you laughing?”

“Because you’re such a liar.  Why don’t you just admit you have the hots for Jared.  I promise the world will not come to an end.”

“I do not have the hots for him. And your thinking you know me so well is getting on my nerves,” Toreas finished rather testily.

“It’s not just me.”  Liz was still laughing.  “Everyone knows it, except maybe the two of you.  You can’t keep your eyes off each other.

“Besides,” Liz continued, “we’ve been critique partners for a long time and you never wrote like this before Jared.  I’d say he’s helped to loosen you up.”

There was silence for a long moment.  Toreas knew what was coming.

“Have you…?”

“Have I what?”

“You know what I’m talking about.  Have you and Jared communed with nature?”

“None of your business.  Liz, you’re filthy.”

“Why? Jeez, you’ve got me talking in such a stupid metaphor that my seven-year-old could listen to this conversation. You need to lighten up. If my son weren’t here listening to me I’d tell you what you really need. But since he is, I’ll just say you need communing bad.”

Toreas didn’t know if she hung up on Liz or vice versa.  She just knew their conversation was severed.  Was physical pleasure all that was ever on anyone’s mind?  But oh how she wanted to take a dip in that pool with Jared.

She glared at the phone before glimpsing her reflection in the mirror. She was pitiful. Even home alone she thought in terms of metaphors.  Why couldn’t she just say the word sex?

She walked closer to the mirror. “
I wanted to have sex with Jared last night
.”  Toreas stood still while her face turned red. She waited for her internal critics to make her feel ashamed.

She thought of Jared and it was not shame that filled her but something else.  Sex wasn’t what she wanted from Jared, at least, not the main thing.

Toreas didn’t want to lie to herself any longer about her feelings for Jared. Even if she never told him she wouldn’t deny it any longer. She wanted to be with Jared, to have him hold her, to touch her, to caress her, and finally to join with her. She wanted to fly to the heavens with him. Darn it, she wanted to knock some boots.

If she still thought in terms of metaphors then so be it.  What she felt for Jared was so far removed from the crudity that  three letter word,
sex
implied.  She thought of the last kiss they’d shared.

It had been filled with such longing and hunger. All the emotions she’d managed to keep bottled up had been released in that one kiss.  In that instant she’d known what she wanted, what he wanted.  But they were both too stubborn to admit to their need.

Toreas was lonely.  For the first time in her life she dared to admit it to herself.  With her manuscript in the mail she was at loose ends.

She knew she should start working on something else but she couldn’t. Her mind kept straying to Jared, destroying her focus. The same as it had since the last meeting. She’d been ready to at least listen to Jared a week ago. But as more time passed she convinced herself that he couldn’t care about her, couldn’t be falling in love with her as she was with him, or he would not possibly have allowed so much time to pass without a word, not a note or a call. He certainly hadn’t bothered to come over. That wasn’t the way one went about proving their innocence. No, his actions were more those of a guilty man. And it definitely wasn’t the way a man behaved who wanted a woman.

She couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed.  Each day she’d thought Jared would call or come over to explain and when he did neither she felt foolish.

For one instant she’d been tempted to watch his show just for a glimpse of him, but that was foolish.  She’d used up her allotment of stupidity for this lifetime and was now working on the next.  No, if there was anything between them he would have called. She decided to skip her writers’ meeting to avoid seeing him.

Jared locked his office door behind him, then double checked it.  The lock was one he’d installed himself after coming back.  He valued his privacy and didn’t intend for Derrick to either steal or tape him without his knowledge again.

He’d declined Derrick’s and Josh’s offer to stop and have a beer.  He was going to his writers’ meeting if for no other reason than to scowl at Toreas.

How dare she not call him?  As far as he knew, she’d made no attempt to contact him.  He was tired of the control she had over his life.

Since she’d stormed out of the last meeting he’d neither seen nor heard from her and he was ready to confront her, to make her realize this time she would have to issue a genuine apology.

He stomped into the half empty room pretending not to look for her. It didn’t work. Liz was on him the moment he sat down.

“She’s not coming, you know.”

“Who’s not coming?”

“Not you too?”

Jared watched as Liz rolled her eyes.

“Why don’t the two of you just get over your little problems and admit you have a thing for each other, before it’s too late?”

Toreas wasn’t there for him to glare at so he glared at Liz. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about Toreas.”

“You mean that opinionated little morals policewoman?”  He glared again at Liz.  “I don’t have a thing for her,” he spat out.

“You’re right, you don’t feel anything for Toreas.  You always get this angry when I talk to you.”

They stared at each other for a long moment, Jared not wanting to admit anything to Toreas’s friend. “Did she mail off her manuscript?”

“Yes.”

“Is she going to the conference?”

“You’re sure asking a lot of questions about someone you don’t care about.”

For the first time in months Jared was thinking about doing a show on stubborn, nosy and pigheaded women.  This time he wouldn’t single out romance writers and readers.  He’d take on the whole darn gender.  Not one of them could ever answer a straight question without trying to play Perry Mason.

He sighed loudly, hoping Liz would get the hint.  When she still did nothing but continue to stare at him, he was forced to explain.

“Liz, I was curious, that’s all.”

“Are you planning on going and ruining it for her?  Because if you are, I’m going to tell my husband Mike to kick your butt. Or maybe I’ll just have Kelle do it.”