Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (19 page)
C
USTOMER:
“Web site? What?”
M
E:
“Yes, sir. You need to access the Internet in order to use online bill pay.”
C
USTOMER:
“I don’t want to use the Internet!”
M
E:
“I’m so sorry, sir, but in order to use online bill pay you need to use the Internet.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, fine. Tell me how to do that.”
M
E:
“Well, first you’ll need to access the Internet.” *gives him the address*
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, I am there.”
M
E:
“Okay, now go to—”
C
USTOMER:
“You know, in the military there was an acronym for people like you. You know what it means? Keep it simple, stupid!”
M
E:
“Sir?”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, go ahead.”
M
E:
“All right—”
C
USTOMER:
“You know, if you were a platoon leader you’d have gotten somebody killed by now.”
M
E:
“What?”
C
USTOMER:
“What are you gonna do, cry? Go ahead, cry!”
M
E:
“Sir, why would I cry?”
C
USTOMER:
“G
O
ahead, cry. Maybe you should put a supervisor on so they can handle it, because you’re gonna cry!”
M
E:
“Sir, why would I transfer your call to a supervisor?”
C
USTOMER:
“What are you gonna do, cry?”
M
E:
“Sir, thank you for calling online bill pay. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*
R
ETAIL |
B
ATTLE
C
REEK,
M
ICHIGAN
(A customer brings me something on clearance.)
C
USTOMER:
“Excuse me, could you tell me what percentage off this is?”
(I look at the price tag, which lists the current price and the original price, and do the math.)
M
E:
“Ma’am, that item is 30 percent off.”
C
USTOMER:
“That’s ridiculous! I found this in the 75 percent off section. You should be more careful!”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ll put it in the right spot.”
C
USTOMER:
“What would you do if you thought something was more off than it was?!”
M
E:
“Actually, ma’am, I’d just look at the final price, and whether I could afford it. I wouldn’t care what percentage off it is.”
C
USTOMER:
*lightbulb goes on* “Oh, me too!”
R
ETAIL |
E
LMIRA,
N
EW
Y
ORK
(At my store, it’s policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)
M
E:
“May I see your card, please?”
C
USTOMER:
“Why?”
M
E:
“Your card is not signed, sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”
C
USTOMER:
“I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”
M
E:
“That’s fine, sir—I just have to check your ID then.”
C
USTOMER:
“Here.”*shows ID*
M
E:
“Okay, thank you—sign the machine, please.”
C
USTOMER:
“H
OW
do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”
M
E:
“Sir, it looks like you.”
C
USTOMER:
“But I don’t have glasses on.”
M
E:
“Okay then—I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, well, it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”
C
USTOMER:
“What? It’s me!”
M
E:
“I know … it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”
D
OUGHNUT
S
HOP
| F
LORIDA
M
E
: “Good morning, how can I help you?”
W
OMAN
: “Yeah, a small coffee with two Splendas and extra milk.”
M
E
: “Okay, that will be $1.49.”
(She pays and I give her the change. I proceed to make the drink. I press the “medium” button for milk and then give an extra shot. When I give it to her, she takes a sip and makes a face as if she had just taken a sip of liquefied dog s**t.)
M
E
: “What seems to be the problem?”
W
OMAN
: “I asked for extra milk! This is too strong.”
M
E
: “Well, I’ll put some more in for you. No problem.”
W
OMAN
, M
UTTERING UNDER HER BREATH
: “Idiot kid …”
(I put another “medium” shot in. This is two mediums and one extra shot for a total of seven milks. She takes another sip, with the same face.)
W
OMAN
: “What part of ‘extra milk’ do you not understand?”
M
E
: “I understand what ‘extra milk’ means. I put in about four times the regular amount of milk.”
W
OMAN
: “Well, put more!”
(I put in more. I put a “large” shot of milk—four more. This brings our total to eleven milks, therefore being classified as milk with a little coffee.)
M
E
: “Here.”
(She takes another sip, and yes, again, she makes that freaking face.)
W
OMAN
: “Look. ‘Extra milk’ means you put in the regular amount, and then you put in MORE.”
M
E
: “I know that! That is a SMALL coffee with eleven MILKS!”
W
OMAN
: “PUT IN MORE!”
(I put in another “medium” shot
—
three more.)
M
E
: “Here. The coffee is almost white now.”
(She drinks it again and spits it all over the counter.)
M
E
: “Lady, what’s your problem?”
W
OMAN
: “This coffee is cold! I ordered a hot coffee, not a cold coffee! Can you comprehend that?”
M
E
: “Forget this. Who’s next?”
(My shift leader is laughing in the corner the whole time. She remakes this lady’s drink with one large shot of milk and gives it to her. She sips it… “Ah, now that’s better!”)
S
ANDWICH
S
HOP
| N
EWINGTON
, C
ONNECTICUT
(We’ve recently hired a new employee at our sandwich shop, and it’s her first night on the job.)
N
EW EMPLOYEE
: *smiling* “Hi, how can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “What are YOU smiling about?!”
(The new employee stops smiling and looks like she’s about to cry.)
C
USTOMER
: “I don’t like your attitude!”
S
HIFT MANAGER
: “Well, what can I say? She’s a happy employee.”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s bad for business!”
F
AST
F
OOD
| C
OTTAGE
G
ROVE
, M
INNESOTA
(This very friendly woman comes in three or four days a week, and I am usually the one who winds up taking her money at the window.)
M
E
: “Hi, it’ll be $2.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, you got your braces off! They look so nice!”
M
E
: “Oh… thank you!”
C
USTOMER
: “And you got your hair cut!”
M
E
: “Yes, I did!”
C
USTOMER
: “… I come here a little too often, don’t I?”
B
OOKSTORE
| O
RANGE
C
OUNTY
, N
EW
Y
ORK
(Note: It’s the middle of July.)
M
E
: “Hi, how are you today?”
F
RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER
: “Wait, where are all the Christmas trees?”
M
E
: “I’m sorry?”
F
RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER
: “This is the Christmas tree shop. Where are all the Christmas trees?”
M
E
: “I’m sorry, sir. This is a Christian bookstore.”
F
RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER
: *points to a sign* “That clearly says Christmas tree shop!”
C
OWORKER
: “No, sir, it doesn’t say that at all. We sell Christian books and gifts.”
F
RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER
: “So where in the heck am I going to get my Christmas tree?!”*storms out*
O
THER CUSTOMER
: “Maybe someone should tell him it’s 96 degrees out?”
T
ICKET
S
ALES
| B
AR
H
ARBOR
, M
AINE
C
USTOMER
: “Can you tell me how to get to Mount Desert Island?”
M
E
: “Ma’am, we’re on Mount Desert Island right now.”
C
USTOMER
: “But, can you drive there?”
M
E
: “… Yes … remember that bridge you had to cross to get here?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah.”
