The Darkness Within (2 page)

‘Groggy, and I have a dry mouth.’

‘Here have some water.’ Amanda poured a glass of water and handed it over.

Freya slowly got up and took the water. It was nice and cold and relieved her cotton mouth. She smiled mildly at Amanda knowing very well her sister was judging her harshly. It annoyed Amanda that her successful sister had this abusive habit. She wanted to look up to her not down at her.

‘Better?’ asked Nicholas patiently.

She nodded. ‘Why are you here?’

‘We’re your family you moron.’

‘Amanda.’ Her father cautioned.

‘She does this all the time. I’m so sick of it!’ There was a sadness in her voice.

‘Why don’t you leave if I make you so sick?’

‘Because I love you dummy! You make me so angry. Why do you do it? Why can’t you help yourself?’

‘What do you think I was trying to do?’

‘Jump off a bridge. Honestly. How do you think dad would feel knowing you were scraped off a railway track? Do you ever think about us when you’re being so selfish?’

‘Amanda.’

Freya looked away a moment feeling the shame wash over her. The voices had been suppressed by the medication, but the side effects of drowsiness made her life miserable.

‘It’s okay love,’ said Nicholas.

‘No it isn’t. She’s got to take some sort of responsibility!’

‘If you’re here to shout at me, you might as well go home.’ Freya turned to look at her sister.

‘Go home? You’re kidding. I’m not going home. I have to make sure your ass is alright before I go home.’

Freya understood her sister’s concerns, but she couldn’t help who she was and what was happening in her life. It was what it was and it may’ve seemed selfish in Amanda’s eyes, but in that moment of her darkness all it was, was her and her demons. It was as real to her as everything else was real to everyone. She wasn’t making it up, or making it happen.

‘What did the doctor say?’ asked Nicholas.

‘The usual.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Groups, medication and CBT. The usual.’

‘Do you ever stick with it love, it could be helpful. I guess the results won’t be immediate, but if you keep trying you might find the release you’re looking for.’

‘I can’t… I can’t live in this body anymore! It’s disgusting and horrible!’

‘Why would you say something like that?’ Nicholas was truly hurt.

‘She just wants attention.’

‘Yes, that’s it,’ said Freya sarcastically.

‘Oh darling that’s not it. Your sister is just angry with you. She loves you. Get to the bottom of this. We love you, we do.’ He squeezed her hand.

Just then a nurse entered. ‘It’s time for group.’

‘I don’t want to go,’ said Freya.

‘Honey you must.’

‘It’s part of your programme. The sooner you work with us, the sooner you’ll get released.’

She knew this to be true. Staying in the hospital sometimes felt safer than going out into the world. It was out there in the world that made all the demons come back.

‘We’ll come and see you tomorrow,’ said dad.

She nodded. Amanda opened and shut her mouth. The truth was she was terrified of losing her sister, and the only way she knew how to express it was through anger.

‘Bye darling.’ He kissed her cheek, and the two headed out.

****

‘Welcome to group,’ said the counsellor. ‘How about we start by introducing ourselves, we have some new faces.’ He looked around the room.

Freya knew how this worked and she had to do the work in order to get out, and so she did as she was told. She listened as each person said out their names and why they were there, and then it was her turn.

‘Hi, my name is Freya and I’m an alcoholic, and I occasionally snort cocaine.’

‘Nice to meet you Freya,’ the group responded.

It was the first step. The group began and she did what she had to, to survive through it. It was a process and she felt as though she were climbing Everest. It was a hard thing to do, but she would do it, like she always did. After group it was tea time and after that Freya went back to her room to find a vase of flowers and a note.

She sat down, pulled the note from between the flowers and read the note.

Hope you’re feeling better. I’d like to come and see you. Perhaps tomorrow. I think I have the right to. I’m the man who saved your life.

Ferguson.

Freya put the note aside and slipped into bed. The last thing she needed was a man coming to see her, but she didn’t have the strength to stop him. It would be impossible since he’d invited himself and there was no way of contacting him. Freya would take it as it came. One day at a time, like she was taught in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in with medication. Like a good girl she took it without argument even though she hated the way it made her feel. An hour later, Freya was fast asleep.

****

The day went by as usual, it was a routine she was used to. At six o’clock that evening she had a visitor. Freya decided to meet him in the visiting room rather in bed, it didn’t feel right. She walked into the room wearing a plain blue tracksuit pants and a white shirt. Not flattering at all, but she was beyond caring. He smiled the moment he saw her.

‘Hi,’ he stood up.

‘Hi,’ she sat down, he did the same.

‘So how have you been since we last met?’

‘As you can see, I’m still in one piece.’

‘I’m glad. It’s nice to see you a little less agitated.’

‘Yes well, it’s the meds. They do make me feel like a zombie at times. They do stop the voices.’

‘What are the voices?’ He leaned forward curious.

‘Nothing. They’re nothing.’

‘They can’t be nothing.’

‘Well it’s none of your business then.’

‘It is my business. I saved your life.’ He smiled.

‘Is that right?’

‘Yep.’

‘Well I still choose not to tell you.’

‘It might make you feel better.’

‘I’m better, can’t you see.’

‘Ha! Nice try. I know this whole process. I’ve been here before.’

‘Yeah? Why?’

‘Long story.’

‘Tell me.’

‘Nope.’

‘Why not?’

‘You won’t tell me yours.’

‘I see. Is that how it works?’

‘Yes, that’s how it works.’ He winked.

‘Well then we’ll just have to keep our stories to ourselves. Not that I have a story.’

‘Everyone has a story. You didn’t just get like this. Something happened.’ He looked her in the eye. ‘I can help you get past it once and for all.’

‘Yeah, how’s that?’

‘I have my ways. None of this medical bullshit.’

She laughed. She liked him. He was different and he was quite good looking. Her sudden realisation made her feel self-conscious about her appearance.

‘It’s true. I did something I should’ve done a long time ago that gave me great satisfaction. I think it has finally set me free.’

‘What’s that?’ she was curious.

He looked around the room. There were only two other people with them deep in their own conversation. He encouraged her to draw closer with his finger so he could whisper in her ear. Feeling a little naughty she moved in close until his mouth touched her ear. Freya felt a tingle run through her body she’d not felt in a long time.

‘I killed…my…father,’ he whispered and withdrew. He looked at her and waited for the horror on her face, but none appeared.

‘Really?’ She doubted him.

‘Yes.’

‘And the police? You could get arrested.’

‘I won’t. I know people.’

She bit her lower lip. Why was this fascinating her instead of frightening her?

‘Best therapy. The man deserved it,’ he said in a low tone smiling mischievously.

Freya smiled back. This was extremely interesting.

‘I see,’ she said finally. ‘I think I better get back to bed.’ She didn’t believe him one bit.

‘Can I take you out for dinner sometime?’

‘I don’t think so.’ She got up.

‘Why not?’

‘I just don’t want to. I’m not really interested in dating right now.’

‘Is it the confession.’

‘No. I don’t really believe you anyway.’

He laughed. ‘Suit yourself. It’s true though.’

‘Whatever makes you feel like a man.’ she started for the door.

‘I’ll take you out at some point. I guarantee that.’

‘Good luck with that. I’m a nightmare. My goal is to end my life, so I don’t know why you’d fancy someone who wants that.’

‘I love a challenge.’

‘You’re delusional.’

‘Very.’ He smiled.

‘Goodbye.’ She headed out without looking back. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with other people’s shit.

Ferguson loved everything about her. He wouldn’t let this one out of his sight. He’d make sure he got to the bottom of what was causing her the distress and help her fix it once and for all. He smiled at the thought before heading out. Their paths would surely meet again.

Chapter Three

A week later Freya was discharged from the hospital. She was well enough to pursue her life again as long as she continued therapy and taking her medication. It was the same as always. She promised, left the hospital and hit the bar as soon as she could.

‘Thanks for meeting me girls,’ she gave her friends a hug.

‘Is this right? I mean you’ve just been discharged,’ said Loretta, her closest friend. She’d been the last one she’d been with before the jump off the bridge.

‘Of course. You know me, I don’t need the hospital.’

‘Yes you do, you almost died!’ said Tasmin. She’d heard the details of what had happened from Amanda.

‘That’s past tense. C’mon, lets order drinks.’

The two looked at each other.

‘If you don’t want to be with me just say so. I don’t need judgement right now.’

‘We love you, we’re just worried about you. You have to take it easy, plus you’ve got your AA meeting.’

‘I know all this. I can handle it.’ She clicked for the waiter to come over and serve them. Freya ordered a double vodka with coke and the other two ordered a glass of wine each. ‘There, was that so hard! It’s on me by the way, so don’t worry your pretty little heads about the bill tonight.’

They were silent.

‘Oh cheer up. Be happy that I’m feeling better.’

‘We are, just making sure you’re okay.’

‘I’m fab, just fabulous,’ she smiled from ear to ear. She pulled her mobile from her handbag and sent a message.

‘Who are you texting?’ asked Loretta.

‘That would be none of your business.’ She giggled.

Her friends couldn’t control her and they didn’t want to abandon her either. They had to accept her for who she was rather than what they wanted her to be. It was a hard pill to swallow, but they knew they couldn’t control the strong and stubborn Freya.

The drinks arrived, and Freya took it down in one gulp, while she held onto the waiters, shirt. ‘Another one of these please, and this time make it quick.’ She slammed the empty glass onto the tray almost toppling it over. The waiter seemed a little agitated. ‘Go on, chop, chop, you’re not paid to stand around.’

He left fuming, but it was his job and he’d encountered worse.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Tasmin had to ask.

‘Oh darling I couldn’t be better.’ She whipped out a ruby coloured lipstick and touched up her lips. ‘I’m on top of the world right now. I’m in control!’ She kissed her lips together as she replaced the lipstick into the handbag. The next drink arrived and she did the same. ‘This time make it two glasses of double vodka.’

The waiter left shaking his head annoyed.

‘Whoa, take it easy there, player,’ said Tasmin.

‘Since when did you speak like that miss lawyer girl?’ Freya laughed.

‘Since my home girl became a drunk.’

‘I’m not a drunk. Don’t call me that.’

‘Well you’re sure acting like it.’

‘Let it go ladies,’ said Loretta. ‘We’re here to have fun. Not insult each other.’

‘I quite agree.’ She began to swing to the music that was playing in the background. ‘Let’s go and dance!’ she shouted.

‘Not just yet,’ said Loretta.

‘Why the hell not? Live for today!’ she stood up and started for the dance floor without waiting for her friends. They just watched from a distance. Life wasn’t the way it had been. In fact, their friend had changed one night after a night out after their first year of university. It was something Freya never talked about, or let anyone know about, but everyone knew something had happened.

The waiter found her on the dancefloor. She took both glasses, lifted them in the air while she danced, and when the music changed she downed them in two long gulps. She was a hardcore drinker and it would take a lot to make her terribly drunk. Once the music changed to something not to her taste, she headed back to the table with her friends who were still on their first drink.