The Days of Redemption (39 page)

Chapter Twelve

“Hold still, Lorene,” Lovina said. “I want to make sure your dress looks perfect.”

But, just like when she was still a child, her daughter twitched and wiggled. “Mamm, the dress already looks fine. It looked perfect last time I tried it on.”

“Then stop squirming! I swear, you're as jumpy as a cricket.”

“And twice as chirpy,” Lorene finished with a grin.

Lovina couldn't help but smile as well. “Ach. That is an old joke, daughter.”

“It still makes me smile.”

This joking between them was new. Lovina hadn't thought she would have embraced the bright, teasing conversation, but she was finding a lot of pleasure from their new interactions. It gave her hope for their future.

Hope where she had imagined there would be no more.

“It is nice to see you happy,
maydel
,” she commented, afraid to make too much of it, in case Lorene might just pull away from her again.

But instead of turning wary, her daughter simply smiled. “It's nice to
feel
happy. I'm excited to finally marry John. And in just two weeks!”

That simple statement cut deeply into her conscience. Smoothing out fabric, then kneeling at her daughter's feet to check the hem, she said, “Lorene, do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?”

“What?”

“You heard me. I'm only asking so that I might prepare myself,” she said quickly.

“There's nothing to forgive, Mamm. While it's true that you were the one who asked me not to see John, I was the one who agreed.” She shook her head. “I didn't fight your decision at all . . . and then I let years go by before I attempted to reconnect with him. Years!”

Lovina knew what kind of parent she'd been. She wouldn't have put up with any disobedience of any kind. “Things were different back then,” she said hesitantly.

“Not that different.” Bitterness tinged her voice and though Lovina couldn't blame her for that, Lorene's words made her heart ache.

“I know you wanted to be an obedient daughter.”

“I did. But now I realize that I was afraid, too. I was afraid to go out on my own. I didn't trust my heart.”

“I see.” She had her daughter spin so she could ensure every part of the hem was perfect and smooth.

“And after several conversations with John about this, I don't think he was as ready for marriage as he believed, either. God's timing is always right, Mother. You were right—even though I was certainly not happy about your opinions.”

“Ach,” she said. Because her daughter had surprised her once again. And because she, too, knew what it felt like to not be heard.

After all, her parents had made her feel much the same way.

“All right,” Viola announced as she entered the room with a pair of yellow placemats and cloth napkins. “I just finished another set for the wedding reception. What do you think?”

As Lorene oohed and awed over Viola's handiwork, Lovina continued to kneel at her daughter's feet. As was her habit, she made a great show of concentrating on her task. But in truth, she was happy to let her mind drift back to another day, another year.

Another lifetime, really. Back when she'd gone to the Homecoming dance with Jack. The night when so much had gone so wrong. . . .

“You look real pretty, Lolly.”

“Thanks.” Lovina smoothed her satin gown over her knees nervously as Jack drew his car to a stop at the light. “Are you excited about the dance?”

It was a dumb question. The dance had been all her group of friends had been able to talk about for days. Who wouldn't be excited?

But he surprised her.

“I guess.” He shrugged. “I was more excited to be alone with you, if you want to know the truth.”

“Me?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, everyone knows your parents keep a tight rein on you. It makes seeing you a real challenge.”

“I didn't think they were stricter than anyone else's.”

“Maybe not. But it sure seems like it. I didn't mind though.”

“You didn't?”

“Nah, I always get my way, sooner or later.” His lips curved up into a devil-may-care grin. “I mean, look at us. I got you alone.”

If he hadn't looked so delighted, she would have been nervous. But he was happy and so she felt wanted. Special. So she smiled back and tried not to fuss with the curls on the ends of her hair.

Moments later, Jack pulled into a parking place far from the gymnasium's entrance. Actually, it was far from most of the other cars.

“Why are you parking way out here?” she asked. “I've got my mother's heels on, you know.”

“If your feet start to hurt, I'll carry you.”

She laughed, though the image made her feel all tingly—like daydreams really could come true. “Are you worried about someone hurting your car?”

“Nah, no one's going to touch my car without getting hurt.” He leaned closer. “It's for privacy, of course.” He grinned as he pulled the key out of the ignition. “How am I going to get a kiss if we're in the middle of a crowd?”

Her mouth went dry as her mind went blank. She'd imagined kissing him, of course. In her daydreams, he'd ask her permission, then carefully press his lips to her cheek. Maybe, just maybe, after the second or third date they'd kiss on the lips.

But what was on his face was something far different. The first tingling of nerves filtered through her. Biting her lip, she contemplated telling him that she wasn't ready for what he was talking about.

But how did a girl say such a thing to the boy of her dreams? Too worried about her feelings and the tingling going on in the back of her neck, she chose action instead of words. With a steady breath, she opened her door and got out of the car.

He scrambled out of the car, shouting after her. “Lolly, what are you doing?”

“I don't want to be late for pictures.”

“Pictures? Oh, yeah. Sure.” He caught up to her, reaching for her hand when they were almost at the entrance.

Other girls hurried over when they neared. They commented on her dress, her shoes. Her hair. Lolly did the same thing, it was only polite.

Jack's friends spoke to her, too. Their expressions were different, though. Almost as if they were privy to a private joke. Jack joked around with them, then tossed an arm over her shoulders, his hand dangling around the top of her bare arm. Every so often she'd feel the warm pads of his fingers graze her skin.

After they posed for pictures, the group of ten of them strode into the decorated gym like they owned the place. Then, one of Jack's friends pulled out a flask and poured something into one of the cups for punch.

Jack shoved it at her. “Here, Lolly. Drink up.”

It was liquor, the smell sharp and pungent. Wrinkling her nose, she attempted to move away. “Um, I don't think—”

“It's no biggie, Lolly,” Jane interrupted. “Everyone's having some. You'll be the only one who doesn't if you refuse.”

When Lolly still hesitated, Jane's voice turned urgent. “Come on.”

And so she did. Because she'd felt like she had no choice. And because she didn't want to cause a scene.

Jack smiled. “Good girl.”

At the moment, she felt like the opposite of a good girl. She felt wicked, and more than a little disheartened. She was with
the most popular boy in her class but everything about the situation made her feel uneasy.

But it wasn't like she had a choice.

With that first sip, her spirits deflated. And she'd known that everything she'd imagined happening had been nothing but childish daydreams of an innocent, naïve girl.

“Lolly, want to dance?”

Raising her chin, she looked into his dark eyes, saw desire and satisfaction in his expression. That was everything she'd thought she wanted. “Of course,” she said, smiling as he took her hand.

And let him guide her into his arms.

And pretended she wasn't shouldering a very new, very real sense of foreboding.

 

As the memories spilled forth, Lovina grimaced. She'd been such a fool that night. So silly. So misguided. If she'd only been a little bit braver or a whole lot smarter, she could have saved herself a great amount of pain. Could have saved a lot of people from a great amount of pain.

“Mamm?”

Lovina started. “Hmm?”

“Mamm, I asked you a question,” Lorene said. “Did you hear me?”

“I'm afraid my mind went walking. What did you ask?”

“I was asking if you thought it was wrong for John and me to want to go on a honeymoon trip to New York. I know no one else took one.”

“Lorene, I think you should do whatever you want. Time passes too quickly to always worry about what others may think.”

Surprise, then pleasure, lit her daughter's features. “
Danke
, Mamm. Hearing you say that means a lot.”

“It's only my opinion. That's all,” she said quietly.

She knew better than anyone that her judgment wasn't always good. In fact, it was sometimes very, very bad.

Chapter Thirteen

When the phone rang, Amanda practically ran across the kitchen to answer it. Before he'd left, she and Roman had made plans to speak today, just to make sure they'd both gotten home all right. All day long she'd been wavering between excitement for the upcoming call—and nervous apprehension that he would forget.

“Hello?” she asked, wincing as she heard the breathlessness in her voice.

“Amanda, it's Roman.”

“Hi, Roman.” She leaned against the white laminate counter, smiling from ear to ear. Not only did he call, but he sounded exactly the same as she remembered.

“Hey, I thought today would never come. I've already tried to call you several times this week. You're a difficult woman to get ahold of.”

He'd been calling? “I've been working a lot,” she said in a rush. “I guess I've been missing some phone calls.”

“You might consider getting an answering machine.”

Roman sounded so cross, she smiled, standing alone right there in her kitchen.

“That would be a
gut
idea, for sure,” she agreed.

But even so, she knew she'd never get one. Even if she had known he'd called, she knew that she wouldn't have called him back. It would seem too forward. Too eager.

“I'm glad you're home now. Tell me what you've been doing. And how you are. And how Regina is. And tell me about the weather, and the beach, too.”

She chuckled at his enthusiasm, loving how it mirrored her own. “That's all?”

“
Nee
. I want to know what you've been eating and reading and if you've seen our dog.”

To her surprise, her eyes teared up. “You've been thinking about Goldie, too?” For some reason, that he would remember how much she had liked that shelter dog meant the world to her. It meant that he remembered what was dear to her.

“Goldie was a fine dog.”

“I thought so, too,” she said just as her mother-in-law wandered into the kitchen. “I miss her,” she added. To her surprise, a tear escaped and she wiped it away impatiently.

Across the kitchen, Marlene noticed. “Amanda, what is wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Nonsense. You are crying.” Eyeing the phone like she feared it was about to bite Amanda, she said, “Who are you speaking to?”

Covering the mouthpiece of the phone, she said, “Merely a friend.”

“Who?”

“Roman.”

“I don't recall a man by that name.”

Just as Amanda was about to call her mother-in-law's bluff, Regina popped in. “He's the Roman from Ohio,” she said helpfully as she joined them in the kitchen. “Mommi, he was our neighbor at the beach.”

“Why are you speaking with him?” Marlene asked, just as if Amanda was keeping company with a dangerous man. Just as if everything in Amanda's life was her business.

And she did that probably because, Amanda realized, until this very moment, she had let Marlene have that much access. She froze, staring at Marlene, her prying mother-in-law.

Amanda felt her heartbeat quicken as she felt the gap between her former life and her future one becoming wider. Yet, at the same time she wondered what she was doing. Was a momentary infatuation with a man who lived in Ohio worth jeopardizing everything she had with Wesley's family?

Roman's concerned tone of voice filtered through her thoughts. “Amanda? Amanda, are you still there? Can you still talk to me now?”

At least she knew that answer! “
Jah
!” she chirped into the phone. “Just give me one second. . . . ”

As she glanced at Marlene, who was still eyeing her with interest, Amanda knew it was time to make some changes. Now.

There was no way she was going to be able to speak to Roman while being watched and monitored by her mother-in-law.

“Marlene, would you mind leaving the kitchen with Regina for a few moments?”

“So you can talk to a man on the phone?” Marlene raised a condemning brow. “To that stranger?”

Roman was anything but a stranger. But Amanda sure didn't feel like spending another second fending off her mother-in-law's pesky questions. “Yes, please.”

“I will leave, but I don't know what to think about this, Amanda.”

Oh, but she did. Amanda was sure of it! She didn't care for it one bit.

“
Danke
,” she said. Then she turned her back on any response, and took a fortifying breath when she heard Marlene take Regina from the room. “I'm sorry, Roman,” she muttered. “I had to ask someone to leave the room.”

“I heard you say Marlene. Isn't that your mother-in-law?”

“It is. I mean, she was.” What was Marlene's relationship to her now, with her husband up in heaven?

“Is my calling causing you trouble?”

She appreciated that he cared. She appreciated that he remembered her mother-in-law's name.

But because of that, she knew she was willing to risk getting into trouble with Marlene. There was something about hearing Roman's voice that was making her feel alive again. Instinctively, she knew if she cut off her ties with Roman, a part of her would die again.

And since she'd already died once with Wesley, she wasn't willing to go through that again. Once had been enough.

“You won't cause any trouble. At least, not too much.”

“All right.” But he sounded doubtful.

Hoping to change the subject, she attempted to keep her own tone sounding positive. “I want to hear what you've been doing since you got home.”

To her delight, he chuckled. “Then I won't make you wait another moment to hear about my exciting life.”

“Do go on.”

“First of all, it's been terribly cold here,” he quipped, his voice thick with humor. “We've had a bit of snow, too. At least a foot.”

“Snow?” Forgetting about their joking, Amanda closed her eyes and imagined a hilly Ohio landscape, covered with a thick carpet of freshly fallen snow. It sounded so lovely, and she could only imagine what Regina would have thought about such a winter wonderland! “I'm jealous. It sounds
wunderbaar
!”

“I don't know about that. Living with snow isn't the same as watching it fall from the warmth of a kitchen. It's been icy and cold out. Every morning I have to go to the barn and break the ice on the horses' water troughs.”

“I had no idea the water in their troughs could freeze.”

“The horses don't appreciate it none, that's for sure.” After a pause, he continued. “I've also been keeping busy by mending fences and building a new chicken coop for my mother.”

“A new chicken coop, hmm?” There in the solitude of her kitchen, Amanda allowed her smile to grow. “That sounds mighty interesting.”

“You think so?”

“I do. And it sounds difficult, too.”

“It's only difficult if you've never built a structure like that before.”

“And you have?”

“Too many times, I'm sorry to say. And, I promise, the chickens are only interesting if you've never spent much time with them. They're nasty creatures.”

“Maybe they're not so bad.”

“Enough about the chickens. Now, tell me about you.”

“Me? Well, I worked one day this week at the bakery, I ran errands, cleaned out two closets, and Regina lost her favorite toy dog. See, not much of interest here with me either.”

“That's where you're wrong. I want to hear all about Regina losing her dog.”

Amanda chuckled, sure he was teasing.

“So, did you ever find the dog?”

Her mouth went dry. “You really are interested, aren't you?”

“Yeah.”

His voice was quiet. Roman wasn't joking. He really did care. Amanda realized what was happening between them was special.

More than that, really. It was rare.

Roman hadn't called just to say hello. No, he called because he really did want to hear about her life.

Even if it wasn't anything special or fancy.

He cared because it had to do with her, and that's what was important to him.

She
was important.

Focusing on the novelty of her feelings, she grabbed one of the kitchen chairs, pulled it near the phone, and sat down. And carefully went about telling him all about the search for the missing stuffed animal. Felt warmth from his interest.

And then, at his urging, she talked some more.

Far too soon, she heard Roman groan. “Listen, Amanda, I had better go. I just looked at the clock and we've talked a long time. This call is surely costing a pretty penny.”

“Truly?” With a touch of dismay, she realized that they'd been talking on the phone for a whole thirty minutes. “Oh,
jah
. You're right. Thank you for calling.”

“Will you be home tomorrow afternoon? About the same time?”

“I should be.” Although at the moment, she couldn't think about much beyond the way talking to him made her feel.

“Then I'll call. If you don't think it's too soon?”

He was giving her space. Letting her be the person to tell him no.

“It's not too soon. I'd like to hear from you.”

“Amanda, we're going to have to be careful, don't you think?”

His words warred with the smile she heard in his voice. “Why do you say that?”

“If we continue this, we're going to have to plan to see each other again.”

“Would you come back to Pinecraft?”

“I could try. Or, maybe you could come up here. You and Regina could see our snow in person.”

“Oh, I don't know about that. . . .”

“Why not? I think you'd love Berlin. And I know Regina would love to make a snowman.”

“She probably would. But I'm just not sure if she's ready for a long bus trip.”

“She might be.” He chuckled, the sound making her feel warm all over again,. “Don't sound so worried,” he said, his voice at once comforting and slightly chiding. “It was just a thought. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Amanda.”

“Bye.” When she hung up, his words rang in her ears. Would she one day be brave enough to get on a bus and go see him in Ohio? Or would she only be comfortable asking him to visit her?

What would it mean if they progressed to such cross-country visits? Would it mean that they'd become serious?

She shifted in the chair, and stared across the kitchen, not seeing a thing. Not believing all the feelings coursing through her. Did it all mean that she was actually thinking about marrying again?

And if she was, what did that say about her?

Why, just a few weeks ago, she'd been sure she'd always mourn Wesley. And now . . .

Tears pricked her eyes as she felt his loss all over again. It mixed in with her confusion about herself and her future and hurt, grating on her insides, scraping her raw.

“Are you off the phone now?” Marlene asked as she walked back in.

Amanda realized it was a rhetorical question. No doubt she'd been waiting, hovering just outside the kitchen, to hear the click of the receiver. Who knows? Perhaps she even overheard some of Amanda's conversation, too.

“
Jah
,” she said quietly. “I'm done.”

After a moment, Marlene walked to her side and tentatively rested her hand on the back of the chair. “Amanda, may we talk?”

“Of course. Where's Regina?”

“She's coloring in the other room.” After a pause, Marlene pulled out a chair and sat down across from Amanda. “My dear, what is going on?”

Marlene's gaze was direct and forthright. Amanda answered her in the same way. “As you know, when Regina and I were staying at the condominium, I met a man from Ohio. His name is Roman Keim, and he is a farmer. We spent some time together.”

“He lives in Ohio?”

“
Jah
. Berlin. Holmes County.”

“Do you know anything else about him?” she asked, letting Amanda know that not only did Marlene know more than she was letting on, she'd also asked Regina questions.

With effort, Amanda pushed away the burst of irritation that coursed through her. She hated when Marlene asked her things she already knew the answer to. “Well, he's New Order, just like us. But more importantly, he is a good man, a caring man. He still lives with his parents and twin sisters. His grandparents live in their
dawdi haus
.”

“Do you think there is something special between the two of you?”

“I don't know.” After some thought she added, “All I know is that when I'm with him I only think about the future, not the past.” Amanda felt her skin heat. Her words sounded so hopeful, so earnest.

Marlene folded her hands tightly on the top of the table. “He must like you if he's calling you on the phone, Amanda.”

“I guess he does, then.”

“I wish you'd talk to me. I want to know what's going on in your life.”

“I'm not trying to be evasive, I simply don't know what's happening between the two of us. You can be sure that I didn't go looking for another man in my life.”

“It's only been two years.”

Only two years
. “I know.” She'd been alone one hundred and four weeks—730 days. Too many hours to count. How long, she wondered, was long enough?

“And . . . and my Wesley was your husband.”

My Wesley. “Yes, he was.” There was nothing more to add, was there? He had been her husband, and she had certainly planned to be his wife until her last dying breath.

But he died first, when she was only twenty-three. “I still miss Wesley. I'm not trying to replace him.”

“I hope not. I can't imagine that he would have wanted to replace you so quickly.”

The words stung, and Amanda knew that Marlene had meant them to hurt.

Over the years, she'd been the best girlfriend and wife she'd been able to be.