The Deeper We Get (19 page)

“It was moments from when Chad passed out that they came into the apartment. I did the only thing I could think of and sat on his back. I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t get up and find the knife again.”

“Thank you. I know that was really hard for you,” Greg said softly.

“I just want this over, and him behind bars
,” she answered.

My girl was so brave. She had been through hell and back
, and she still held her head high. I hated so much that his hands were on her, that he hurt her. I wished so bad that I could go back in time and stop this from ever happening.

“I’m sorry
,” I said when we were in the car.

“Stop. You can't keep apologizing for something you didn’t do. He did this. Him. No one else. You aren’t any more responsible for what he did to me than you are what he did to Frannie all those years ago.”

“I know I’m not directly responsible. I just…he would never have been in your life if it weren’t for me.”

“This was one thing Chad. One incident. It’s over and done. We have forever together. Don't make this about you when it’s not.” Her voice shook as she cried.

“Hearing it for the first time was hard,” I said softly. “It was worse than anything I could imagine.”

“I know baby. It was hard to say it all, to have you hear it. We’re past it now, the worst of it is done.”

She was right. I couldn’t let what he did define us anymore. There had to be a point where I said enough and stopped letting him have control over what I was feeling. She was my prize, for every shitty thing in my life, every awful thing that happened, she was my prize.

Becca and Ruth arrived a
couple of days later. The trial was set to begin the following week. Life was moving fast.

“Hey, can we talk for a minute?” Becca asked.

“Sure, come on out.” I was sitting on the deck reading the paper. “What’s on your mind?”

“I have some news
,” she said nervously.

“News?” I smiled. I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say.

“I’m pregnant.” She grinned.

“Oh Becs, that’s amazing!” I leapt from my seat and hugged her. “I’m so happy for you guys. Is Levi excited?”

“He’s over the moon. He’s been begging to start having kids for a couple of years now.”

“How are you feeling about it?” This would be what she wanted to talk about. With our upbringing I was sure she had some fears.

“That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Of course I’m happy about it, but I’m so scared at the same time.”

“What are you scared of?”

“That I’ll be just like them,” she whispered, pressing her hand to her stomach.

“You could never be like them
,” I said vehemently.

“How do you know? They didn’t start out bad. I have happy memories of them. Mom loved me once. She used to sing me to sleep and braid my hair. She loved me
and loved Frannie.” A tear slid down her cheek. “I’m so afraid of being a mom.”

“Fear is good Becs, it lets you know you’re doing something worthwhile. Use it, use the fear to be the best mom you can be.”

“When did you get so smart?” She smiled through her tears.

“I’ve always been smart.”

“I guess I just never wanted to see you for more than just my little brother,” she said sadly. “I know we had a rough patch the last year or so.”

“We talked about this already. We’re good.”

“I know we did. But I want you to know that I really am proud of you. You have made something of your life, you have a passion, a woman you love. I’m proud of the man you are now.”

“I know you are. I've never doubted that. Even when we would fight, or argue over what I wanted you to do with your life, and yes I know how that sounds, I was still proud of you.”

“Life changes. When I was younger all I could think about was wanting to go to college. It was probably me wanting to escape from where we were. I never begrudged you leaving to go make something of your life. I always knew you would come back for me, that you would take care of me.”

“I wanted to take you with me when I left. I hated leaving you.”

“I know. But it all worked out. And if it hadn’t worked out the way it did, then I would have moved with you as soon as I turned eighteen. I’m learning that we can’t live in the past, or in what ifs. We need to move forward.”

“Have you been seeing someone?”

I knew what she was asking me. “Once, after Scarlet and I broke up.”

“You just seem healthier than you have in a long time.”

“I’m letting things go. Scarlet’s been really good for me. In the same way that Levi was good for you. It’s like she brought me back to life.”

“Love will do that to you. I fought it for so long, I couldn’t believe that he really did love me. I pushed him away because I didn’t feel like I deserved him, or to be happy.”

“Even after moving with the Kleins I felt that. The feeling that I shouldn’t be there. Mom always told me I was no better than she was. That I deserved everything I had. It took me a long time to understand that her words weren’t true. All this stuff that’s happened, all of it with Tom, I felt just the same as I did with her. That familiar pattern of running when she would call me.”

“She used you. Preyed upon your desire for her to love you.”

“I know she did. That didn’t stop me from falling for it every time. Even that last time, before she died. When it happened I was so angry with myself for not going home to her. How fucked up is that? Then when Tom came and he started asking me for things and saying how much he needed me, I fell for it. Never again. I’ll never be that stupid.”

“It wasn’t being stupid, you wanted to believe that they loved you. I wanted to believe that he had changed too.”

“What’s wrong with us?” I laughed, trying to make a joke out of it.

“We’re human.” She shrugged.

“I’m really glad you guys came. It means a lot that you’re here for this.”

“Don’t you know that I’ll always come? No matter where I am, I’ll come if you need me. That will never change.”

Ruth came out and joined us a moment later. “What are you kids chatting about?”

“I was telling Chad my news.”

Ruth’s eyes lit up. I could see it already, the baby fever. I knew Ruth loved all of her grandkids so much.

“Can you believe it?” She put a hand on Becca’s leg and patted it. “Our Becca is going to be a mommy.”

“She’s going to be a great mom,” I said wholeheartedly.

“How are you feeling about the trial?” Ruth asked me, the smile had left her eyes. I knew how she worried.

“I feel pretty good about it. Greg is a wonderful lawyer, and he’s prepared me for pretty much everything.”

“Scarlet’s doing
okay with it?” she asked.

“I think so. The first time we went over her testimony was really hard on both of us, but I think we’ve got a handle on it now.”

“You kids are so brave. I’m really proud of you both.” Ruth squeezed my hand.

“We just want it over so we can move on.”

“Did I notice an awful lot of women’s things in the house?” she asked with an arched brow.

“Scarlet moved in a couple of weeks ago
,” I said sheepishly. I had neglected to tell them that. “That’s okay right?”

“Honey, you’re twenty years old, you can make your decisions on your own. I like Scarlet an awful lot. I just want you two to be happy.” Ruth smiled.

“Thanks Mom, that means a lot to me.” I smiled. I needed to bring up something that had been weighing on me. I wasn't sure how either of them would take it. “I’ve been thinking a lot about doing something.”

“What’s that?” Becca leaned forward in her seat.

“I want to visit him in jail.”

“Really?” Ruth asked.

“I feel like I need to closure of it. I have been carrying around so much hate for so many years. I can't do that anymore. If I’m ever going to be happy I need to let it go.”

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea
,” Ruth said carefully. “I do think it needs to wait until after the trial and everything is settled.”

“I didn't mean right this second, but sometime in the future. I’m still so angry. I hate being angry all the time. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s not. And I’m so happy to see that you are finally letting it all go. As hard as it was to let you go, this move out here was the best thing for you. You left New York so confused and uncertain, and now you have a plan for your life,” Ruth beamed at me.

“Even if that plan isn’t going into the family business or becoming a lawyer?”

“We never wanted either of those things for you honey. We just want you happy, and I can see how you are when you work on bikes. That’s your passion just like diamonds and jewelry are Sam’s and Levi’s. Follow your heart and it won’t lead you wrong.”

Scarlet and I were
lying
in bed the night before the trial. “Are you ready for this?”

“We’re ready for it. We’ve been over everything so many times.”

“I have something for you.” I reached over to my side table for the small box Ruth had brought with her from New York.

Scarlet looked uneasy. “Please tell me that isn’t an engagement ring in there. I love you more than
anything but I am in no way ready to say yes to that.”

“Whoa, slow your roll baby
girl. This isn’t an engagement ring. Just open it and you’ll see what it is.” I handed it to her. I watched as she hesitantly opened it to reveal the narrow platinum band with blue diamond’s lining it.

“What is this?”

“Not an engagement ring. We aren’t ready. This is a promise to you that one day when we are ready, I will replace it with an engagement ring. I’m so serious about us, I see a future with kids and a house of our own and maybe some dogs. I want it so bad I can taste it. But I’m not ready for it. I still have so much to get done to be worthy of that.”

She slipped the delicate ring on her finger and looked down at it for a moment. “You are worthy of me. Thank you for this, for the promise of the future. Mostly, thank you for not proposing,
because that would have ruined us. I would have said no to it, and that would have ruined us. Thank you for knowing that we aren’t ready.” She leaned in and kissed me.

There was a certain level of pride seeing a ring I designed and paid for on her finger. Other men would see it and know she was spoken for. This promise I gave her would allow us to grow together in the way that we needed.

“I love you,” she whispered, pulling her shirt over her head and straddling my legs.

I buried my face in between her cleavage, her hair falling around me like a curtain. She was so beautiful. I could lose myself in her forever. I brought her lips down to mine and licked along her lower lip.

“What do you want tonight baby?” she breathed.

“This. You. Everything.” I pulled my shirt off. “I want to feel every inch of you as I slide inside
,” I whispered.

“I want that too
,” she said seductively, and I gasped as her hand closed around me.

I yanked her legs down on the bed, pulling her to the edge. “Take your pants off. I need you naked.” I pulled my own off and waited for her to follow my instructions.

“God, you are so beautiful, like something out of a fantasy. There is nothing about you that isn’t perfect, that doesn’t make me want you. I need you, every part of me needs you.” I ran my fingers along the soft skin of her inner thigh. I loved how she shivered, how she craved my touch. I replaced my fingers with my lips and tongue, driving her mad, making her scream my name.

“Are you ready for the main event baby?” I leaned forward and kissed her.

“More than ready,” she panted.

“Get up by the pillows
,” I growled and climbed on the bed with her. I pushed her legs as wide as they would go and sank into her slowly. “Fucking hell baby. Like a glove, only for me,” I hissed between clenched teeth.

“Only for you
,” she whispered, biting my ear lobe.

“That’s right only for me.” I ground my hips into hers.

I wanted more, needed it. I couldn’t get enough of this feeling, being inside her. There was no sound in the room except our heavy breathing. The sound of her breath in my ear was enough to drive me mad, the little sounds of pleasure she made.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled us to a sitting position on the edge of the bed, her legs wrapped around me. “Keep those eyes open baby, I need to see you tonight.”

“This is too much, I can’t…” she moaned.

“No baby, just a little more.” I kissed her lips and down her throat. “Keep going.” I shifted my hips up to meet hers.

Her whole body tightened, I could feel her slickness fluttering around me, and I joined her in oblivion.

“It feels like I’m shattered into a million pieces.” She laughed as I laid her down onto the bed.

“Every time with you is like that for me.” I would never tire of her like all the other girls I had been with. She stimulated more than just my dick. She questioned me, and made me think about who I really was and who I wanted to be.

“This is the start of our forever baby.” I looked over at her and she was already asleep, a contented smile on her face. I pulled the covers up over her and went out onto the balcony that was just off the room.

I watched as the water surged and receded. The waves were always going to crash onto the shore the same way the shore would always be there for the waves to crash onto. That was my goal for Scarlet, to be that constant she could always count on. I wanted to be the shore she could crash onto and have her know with total certainty that I would be there.