The Deeper We Get (7 page)

“Who were you calling?”

“I don’t know
…Vin? I hadn't gotten that far yet. I was trying to give you some time, but I was really worried, and I didn’t know if I would need help with the situation.” She looked lost.

I enfolded her in my arms, as much for me as for her. I needed to be close to her.

“I’m okay, you don’t have to worry,” I murmured.

“Are you though? Is this going to screw with your head?” She pushed away so she could look up at me.

“I’m okay, I think.” I wasn’t sure I was. I just didn’t want her to worry. “Were you really going to call Vin?”

“Yes. I figured if you got into a fight with your dad, he would be the best person to call.” She shrugged.

That was my girl, always thinking with her head. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, but I didn’t. It was too soon, and frankly it freaked me out.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” She looked really concerned.

I wanted to tell her I was totally fine, and he didn’t affect me at all. “I’m thinking that this sucks, and that I hate him for coming here.”

“I really hate this, you know?” She put her hand on my chest.

“I do. I hope he goes away, but I know he won’t. He seems to think I’m going to forgive him.”

“Will you?”

“Too soon to tell.” I pulled her against me. I was done talking about this shit. I wanted to forget and lose myself in her.

I was slowly losing my
mind, too caught up in the past to care about the present. I kept to myself for days. Scarlet called a lot but I made excuses for not going out. I went to school, called in sick to work, and stayed away from the gym. My mood was black, the memories wouldn’t stay away anymore.

I remembered every time he hit me, every strike of his belt. I still carried his marks on my skin. The thought of forgiving him made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t want or need him back in my life.

“Chad, open up,” Vin’s voice called through the door. He banged on it a few times. “Open the door or I’ll break it down.”

I knew he would so I opened the door and let him in.

“Damn man, where have you been?”

“Here, school, I don't know.” I flopped back down on the couch

“Look, Scarlet called. She’s worried about you. We all are. She didn’t go into too many details, but she said your dad’s in town?”

“I’m just dealing with some crap, that’s all.”

“By shutting yourself up in this place? Like that’s healthy?”

I knew I was going to have to tell Vin all of it or he wouldn’t leave me alone. After I told him the whole of it he dropped onto the couch next to me.

“Wow, I mean, I don’t know what to say. That’s seriously messed up.”

“I can’t deal with it. It brings up all the crap I’ve been trying to forget for years.”

“What do you want to do? Do you want to forgive him?”

“No, I really don’t.” I didn’t, but I could already feel myself slipping into familiar old habits, just like with my mom. I should be talking about this with Becca, but I wasn't
, and I didn’t plan to in the future.

“What can you do about him coming around?”

“Probably nothing. He’s not really doing anything wrong.”

“That really blows.”

“Yep. So that’s my situation. I’ll be okay eventually, but for now I just need some time.”

“At least come to the gym, it would be good for you. I’ll let you beat on Ian for a while, that would be fun right?”

I knew he was trying to help, but I just wanted to be alone. “I don’t know, I’ll think about it.”

He stayed for a bit longer. “Alright man, I’m going to come looking for you if you stay away too long without answering your phone.”

“I’ll be around soon, I promise. Just need to process this.”

I sat back on the couch and zoned out for a few minutes. More knocking on the door snapped me out of it.

“Dude, I said I’m fine.” I swung the door open and it was my dad and not Vin. “Oh, it’s you.”

“It is. Mind if I come in?”

“Will you leave if I say no?”

“Probably not.”

“Fine. Come in then and say what you have to say.” I stepped aside so he could come in.

“I don't want every conversation we have to be confrontational Chad. I’m not a bad guy, I was just mixed up for a while. Will you let me tell you my side of it all? Will you give me that?”

As much as I wanted to say no, I was curious. I wanted to know how he could justify everything he did to us. “Go ahead, talk then.” I sat on the couch, and he followed suit.

“Your mom and I, we had a fierce love. Right from the start it was intense. We married right out of high school and had Becca a few years after that. We were so happy when she was born, then Frannie came a year later
, and we were over the moon.” He had a wistful expression on his face.

“I don’t need your life story. Just tell me why you were the way you were to us.”

“You need to know all of it.”

“Fine.”

“It wasn’t until after you were born that things really started to unravel. I lost my job, and it took a long time to find another. The fights about money were almost daily. I started drinking because it was my way of coping. We were barely scraping together enough for rent. Your mom couldn’t work because of you kids so it was all on my shoulders.” He stopped and got up to pace in front of the couch.

“I found another job, but it was for half the pay I was making before. After a few months there, I met a guy who told me I could be making twice my normal pay in a week selling pills. You can imagine how alluring that offer was.”

I didn’t answer, but I knew all too well how tempting it was to make the ‘easy money’ from selling drugs. But there was always a catch.

“It started out simple enough, I even made it a few months in before I started using. Your mom didn’t know where the money was coming from, but she didn't question me too much. By that time I had lost the straight job because I was too high all the time. Your mom had started to drink a lot, but I couldn’t say much because I drank just as much. I can’t say exactly what made me start hitting you kids, but it happened.”

“Is that really going to be your excuse? I don’t know what made me do it?”

“I’m not giving you an excuse, I’m telling you what happened. Will you let me finish?”

I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to say anything.

“I got in deep with the suppliers, started using more than I was selling. When I couldn’t pay them back, they broke my hand. I was too addicted to stop cold turkey, once I scraped up enough to pay them back they cut me loose. Wouldn’t let me sell for them anymore. Thinking back, I was lucky they didn’t do worse than break my hand. I was out of a job, unemployment barely covered rent, and we were getting food stamps. I spent what little we did have coming in on booze and drugs. I was only happy when I was high until I started using
meth. That’s when things really went downhill. To be honest, I don’t really remember much from back then. I remember being angry a lot, and I remember the night your sister died.”

“You mean when you killed her. She didn’t just die Tom. You beat her to death.” I exploded, all of the rage that was in me spewed out. I punched him repeatedly in the face and sides, but he didn’t fight back. I sat back on my heels when I had poured every bit of anger out.

He wiped the blood from his nose and mouth on his sleeves. “Feel better?”

“Not by half, but it’s a start
,” I panted. I still didn't understand him, didn't get why he hated us so much, why she did.

“Why did mom hate us?”

“She never hated you. She loved you kids so much. We both did. The drugs and alcohol just made us lose our way.”

“You never saw how bad it got after.” My voice was low. “She never hit us much, she didn't care enough. She didn’t care enough to buy us new clothes or make dinner. All she cared about was you. Even the last few days I was home, she talked about you, about how much she loved you and how things would be better if you were home.”

“I’m so sorry, for all of it. I wish so bad I could go back in time and not start using the drugs. I know it was all my fault, everything that happened. Don’t blame your mom for it.” His voice shook.

“Don’t you dare. I lived with her for ten long years after you went to prison. How could I not blame her? I never knew what love was until I moved in with the Kleins. I never understood that love was supposed to be unconditional. You ruined us, both of you. It should have been you
who died that night, not Frannie.” I got up and walked to the door, holding it open so he would leave. “I think we’re done now.”

“Don’t shut me out Chad, please don’t shut me out.” Tears slipped down his cheeks.

“I hate you, nothing you’ve said will change that.”

Scarlet was waiting by my
bike the next morning when I came down for school.

“Oh good, you’re alive
,” she declared sarcastically, her hands on her hips.

I knew I had been a jerk, and she had every right to be pissed. I just didn’t have it in me to have a huge argument first thing in the morning.

“Can we do this later?”

“No, we really can’t. If you want to be done, just say it. But don’t be a dick and dodge my calls or make excuses for not seeing me.”

“I don’t want to end things. I know I’m been a huge dick, and you have every right to be mad. I’m just trying to get through this.”

“You could have said that at any point in the last week. I don’t like being played with, and that’s exactly what you’ve been doing.”

“Come here.” I held my arms out for her.

“No, that’s not going to fix this.”

“Fine.” I walked over and wrapped her in my arms. “I’m sorry. I’m a shitty boyfriend.”

“I know you have a lot on your plate. I’m just asking for you not
to close me out completely. I would have given you some space if you had asked for it.”

“I know you would have. I was an ass, and I’m sorry. Forgive me?” I kissed her gently.

“Yes, I forgive you. I missed you so damn much. Don't ever do that again.” She hugged me tight.

“I missed you too.” I inhaled her scent.

“Don’t do that again. Promise me?” She looked up, an expectant expression on her face.

“I promise.” I wanted to believe that I wasn’t lying.

“Can you play hooky today?”

“For you, I can.” I kissed her, the feel of her lips against mine was going to drive me mad. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, we’ll figure it out on the way. I’m driving.”

We hopped into her beat up old Ford and started driving.

“Tell me what’s been going on?” she asked, her gaze on the road in front of her.

I laid it all out for her. Everything I was thinking, the fight with my dad the night before, all the crap he had said.

“That’s a lot to be in your head.” She patted my leg absently.

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.”

“What do you want? Do you want to forgive him?”

“No
…I don’t know.” The fucked up part was I could feel myself slipping into the same habits from when I was younger. All the crap with my mom, it was replaying with him. I would always run when she called. It was one of the things I would forever feel guilty about, not going when she needed me last.

“If you want my opinion, I’ll give it
,” she offered softly.

“I do.”

“I think he’s bad news, and you should stay away. Nothing good can come from him being around you.”

I knew she was right, but there was some part of me that wanted to know him. He was my dad, and he’d been gone all my life. I wanted to believe that he had changed and that he really did love me. I hated myself for thinking that way, I didn’t even want to admit it to Scarlet.

“I know you’re right. I shouldn’t let him do this to me. It’s not fair of him to expect me to forgive him.”

“It’s really not fair of him
at all. He did monstrous things to you and your sisters, he doesn’t deserve to know you.”

I couldn’t help feeling torn up inside. All of my old scars were ripped open and bleeding, I just wondered if I would be able to stitch them together again. I didn’t want to think about him anymore. I wanted to go back to how it was before he came.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“I don’t know, San Diego maybe?” She shrugged.

“I’ve never been, have you?” It was shocking how little I knew about her. We had gotten wrapped up in each other so quickly, everything else just seemed of little consequence. Like magnets pulling toward each other, we couldn’t stay away for long.

“Yeah, Frank and I have gone a few times.
Been to the zoo, Sea World, all that jazz. Of course, if you want we can go to Disneyland instead. It is the happiest place on earth.”

“I think I’ll pass on Disneyland for today, sugary happiness is not what I’m in the mood for.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“You, always you.” I ran my fingers through her hair.

“You’ve got me, whenever you want me I’m yours.” She smiled.

“Are you happy with Frank?” I was genuinely curious.

“I guess, yeah. He’s a good guy, makes sure I have everything that I need. I think it’s hard for him because he went from not having any children to taking on a ten-year-old girl. But we managed well enough. He’s always trying to make up for not stepping in sooner. I know he feels guilty about it.”