The Deeper We Get (6 page)

“So more of a booty call?
” I grinned, enjoying his discomfort at this line of questioning.

“I guess, we’ve never really put a definition on what we are.”

“How often do you see her?” Scarlet questioned.

“A few times a week.”

“Do you go out ever, or is it always just sex?” she continued.

“We go out sometimes.”

“Is she a moped?” Ian asked.

“What the hell does that mean?” Vin shot back.

“You know, fun to ride, but not something you want your friends to see you on.”

“Wow. That was probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Vin shook his head. “No, she’s not a moped
. She’s hot, I mean really hot.”

“So you’re the moped then?” I countered.

“No, none of us is the moped.” He was exasperated.

“Well Vin, it sounds to me like you have yourself a relationship.” Scarlet smiled. She turned to Ian. “I can kind of see why you don’t have a girlfriend. Moped? Really?”

“I am what I am. I don't think any woman can put up with me for longer than a few hours.”

“You’re not wrong there. I can barely put up with you
, and I’m your brother.” Vin shook his head.

We spent the rest of the meal talking and laughing and badgering Vin to let us meet
his mystery girl. In the end he agreed to let us meet her, but I could tell he wasn’t happy about it.

“Are you mad that I
crashed your boys’ night?” Scarlet asked after we had left the guys. She snuggled up against me on the bike. How the hell could I be mad with her pressed against me like that.

“You can crash boys
’ night anytime you want. Where to now?”

“Do you even have to ask?” Her voice was deep and husky with need.

I made it back to my apartment in record time, and we were up the stairs and inside before we had gotten our helmets off.

I pressed her back against the door, my hands on her hips. “Do you need me baby?” I had to hear her say it, to know she needed me the way I craved her.

“So much. I need every part of you Chad. You’re all I can think about.” She brought my mouth down to hers and showed me just how true her words were.

My fingers skimmed under the hem of her shirt, along the soft skin of her stomach. I broke the kiss, wanting to feel more of her skin against mine. I tore my shirt off and took a step toward her.

“Do you ever feel like you’re going insane? Like all of the want and need will drive you mad? This can’t be normal.” She took a shaky breath and watched me, a predatory look in her eyes.

“Every second of every day since I met you.” I erased the space between us and took her in my arms. “I can’t get you out of my head, no matter how hard I try. So, I’m not going to fight it, I’m in too deep already
,” I murmured into her ear. I took her hand and led her down the hall to my room. We left a trail of our clothes as we walked.

I laid her back on the bed and ran my lips over every inch of her skin. I’d never wanted slow before, but with her I wanted to take my time.

The look in her eyes as I slid on top of her—she had me, I was hers.

“Chad.” She sighed my name.

“I feel it too.” I kissed from her neck to her jaw.

It was all too much, too intense. I was gone before I knew what was happening. She clutched at my back, urging me on
, and we fell together.

“Do you think it will always be like this?”
she panted, lying on her side next to me.

“I don’t know. It’s never been like this for me, so I’m kind of going blind from here on out.” Admitting that scared me. Letting anyone in scared me. I wanted to close myself off, that was my first instinct.

“Don’t.” She laid a hand on my chest.

“What?”

“I can feel you shutting down. Don’t do that. This is good, scary, but good. Don't close yourself off from me, it will just ruin things in the end.”

“I’m trying here, give me a break.”

“Why do I always feel like there’s a part of you that I don't know?”

I shrugged.

“That’s it? You aren’t going to say anything else?”

I wanted to tell her everything, to have her really know me. But how would I tell her I’ve thought about killing myself more
times than I could count past four years. That my parents fucked me up so completely that normal was nothing but a pipe dream. She didn’t need to know that Chad, no one did.

“We all have things about ourselves we want to hide. There are things about me that terrify me when I think about them. We all have demons Chad. It’s how we let them affect us that matters. I want to love you, everything in me is screaming to just let myself fall.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that last bit.”

“I’m a chick, we have feelings and shit, deal with it.”

There it was, she had broken the tension.

“I want to love you too
,” I whispered as I wove my fingers into her hair, pulling her closer so I could kiss her.

“So let me in.”

I sighed. “Are you sure you want to know?” I wanted her to say no, to let me off the hook, but I knew she wouldn’t.

“I’m not going anywhere Chad.” She put her hand on my cheek.

I shifted to a sitting position and looked for some clothes to throw on—this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have naked. I found what I was looking for and got up to change, tossing her a shirt to put on in the process.

“I don’t really know where to start. You’d think I’d be used to telling the story, I’ve been to enough shrinks. I come from violence and hate.” I paused, not sure how to continue. “I’ve blocked it for so long, it’s hard to let it out.” She held out a hand for me but I shook my head. “My father was a violent man, I never remember anything but being hurt
. There was never love from him. When I was five, he killed my older sister Frannie. He beat her to death in front of me and my sister Becca.”

She put a hand to her mouth. “Oh god. Chad…”

“My mom never cared, she loved him more than she loved us. Becca was my only family. She sheltered me from the worst of it before Frannie died, took more than her share. I owe her my life, she saved me from all of it. After my dad went to prison, it was really just me and her. She made sure I had food and did my homework. My mom was too drunk to care. When I was fifteen, she went to college, and I landed myself in jail.” I hadn’t wanted to tell her that part, but she needed to know all of it.

“I’m still here, you’re not going to scare me away.” I could tell she wanted to come to me, to tell me it was all
okay, but she stayed where she was, and for that I was grateful.

“I got caught with drugs, I was trying to make enough money to stay in the house my mom and I were living in. Becca dropped everything and came home. She brought her boyfriend Levi, and he brought his family, my family. I’ve spent the last five years with the Kleins in New York. I never knew love like that existed. Ruth brought me back from a really dark place with her love. I’m still fucked up, always will be, but I’m not as bad as I used to be.” I stopped there and looked down at my feet. It had cost me something to tell her
—my soul ached, as though saying the words had reopened the wounds that had been long closed.

I was in her arms before I could look up. Her lips were feather soft against my cheeks. “I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry that you ever knew pain.
”

In that moment, I knew I was in love with her. I would love her until she eventually walked away from me.

I was spending a rare
day at home alone. Scarlet was out with Taryn, and I didn’t feel like going out with Vin or Ian. I rented a bunch of crappy movies and ate an entire bag of chips myself.

Someone knocked at the front door and I smiled, I figured it was Scarlet and hopped up to let her in.

I swung the door open and a man I never thought I would see again stood before me.

“It’s been a long time.” His voice was soft.

It sure as hell wasn’t Scarlet. Dad. Tom. What the hell was he doing here? How was he out of prison?
I was at a total loss for words.

“Can I come in?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” I folded my arms across my chest. The rage I had been holding inside of me all this time bubbled close to the surface.

“I have things to say, and they would be better said inside. Please, just give me ten minutes
, and I’ll leave.”

“Fine, you get exactly ten minutes before I boot your ass out of here.” I stepped back and allowed him to walk in. “How did you even find me?”

“When I got out of prison, I found out that your mother had died.” He looked heartbroken. “I was told you had been living with a couple in New York, your sister’s in-laws. It wasn't that hard from that to find you had moved here. I only had to make a few phone calls.”

That thought chilled my blood
—it was that easy for him to find me. What if he went to Becca? She didn’t need that.

“You stay away from Becca, do you hear me? Don’t you ever contact her.”

“She’s my daughter Chad, I can’t promise that.”

“Haven’t you done enough?”

“Don’t you think I’m sorry for what I did? I’ve had to live with this for fourteen years Chad. She was my daughter, and I killed her.” He put his head in his hands.

I watched him cry, my stomach twisting in knots. This man
, who I had spent my whole life hating, was here in my apartment lamenting on his past sins.

“What about everything else Tom, the beatings, all of it. Are you sorry for that?”

“If I could take it all back I would son.”

“Don’t you dare call me that. You lost that right the first time you raised your hand to me. How old was I? I was barely old enough to cross the street alone. You were never a father. There’s nothing you could say to me now that will make me
change my mind about forgiving you.”

“Chad
…” He looked lost. The words wouldn’t come, and I didn’t care. I wanted him gone, out of my house, and away from me.

“I was wrong before, I know I was. The drinking, the drugs, it was all bad. Your mother and I didn’t do right by you kids.”

“Is that what you came to say?” My hands clenched involuntarily into fists.

“That, and more. But I can see you aren’t ready to hear any of it right now.” He walked to the door. “For what it’s worth, I loved you kids more than myself.”

“Bullshit. Get the hell out of my house and don’t come back.” I glared at him as he opened the door.

“One day you’ll understand the struggles your mom and I faced.” He smiled sadly.

When he was gone, I punched a hole through the wall next to the door. I was so damn angry.

I knew I should call Becca, but I couldn’t make myself do it. She and Levi were so happy, they didn’t need this shit heaped on them. She deserved happiness. Instead I called Scarlet.

“Hey, it’s Chad, can you come over for a bit?”

I paced the floor, I was too on edge to sit. It was almost an hour before Scarlet knocked on the door. I was jumping out of my skin
. I should have called Vin, I needed to fight.

“Chad?”
she yelled through the door.

When I let her in, she took a look around and arched a brow at the hole punched in the wall. “What happened?”

“My dad happened. He’s out of prison, and he’s here in L.A.”

“What?”

“He came here trying to sell me his sob story about how he loved me and how sorry he was for everything. I’m just so damn mad. I don’t know how to deal with this.”

“Did you call your sister?”

“No, and I’m not going to. She doesn’t need to deal with him. I told him to stay away from her.”

Scarlet looked anxious, like she didn’t know how to act around me. I tried to calm myself down, I didn’t need to freak her out any more than she already was.

“Come here.” I held out a hand for her.

She took a tentative step before coming into my arms. That worried me
.

“What are you going to do about this?”

“I don’t know. I can’t have him coming around here all the time, but it’s better me than Becca.”

“Why is it better you than her? She has a husband and everyone in New York to help her deal with it. You don’t have anyone here.”

“I have you.”

“Of course you have me, but I can’t help you with this like they could. I think you should call her.”

“I’ll think about calling.”

“Thank you.” She kissed me lightly, as though she w
ere afraid I would break.

“Does all this freak you out?”

“A little bit, the fact that you punched a hole in the wall is a little scary.”

I pulled back and took a few steps from her. This was exactly what I had been afraid of, the darkness inside of me would taint her and us.

“Don’t ever be afraid of me. I would rather die than hurt you, you know that right?”

“I do
. Look, you said it before, when we first met that you could see something familiar in my eyes. I have a past too, something that’s scary and bad. All of this, it brings back memories for me.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, but I probably should since it will become an issue if I don’t.” She sat down on the couch and played with the hem of her shirt.

“You don't have to
,” I reassured her as I sat down next to her.

“I need to. You told me yours, it’s only fair that you know mine.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve only lived with Frank since I was ten, before that I lived with my dad, Frank’s brother. I don’t really remember when he started hitting me, it was probably sometime after my mom died. He was always drunk
, and he was angry all the time. I got really good at telling the teachers at school how clumsy I was. Even Frank believed it for a while.” She paused.

“One night,
Daddy had a lot to drink, and he was really mad. Worse than normal, he kept yelling for my mom. When she wouldn’t come he went into a rage. He broke the bones by my eye, fractured my cheek, broke four ribs, and one of the bones in my right arm.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I understood her feeling embarrassed, like it somehow had been her fault. I burned with rage, I wanted to hunt down her father and murder him for what he did to her.

“Baby.” I cradled her in my arms, wanting to erase all of her pain.

“Frank came to the hospital, and my dad was with the police at that point. He told me how sorry he was that he hadn't seen what was going on sooner. I’ve been with him ever since.”

“Did he know about Max?”

“God no, he just thought he was a dick. Do you think Max would still be alive if he knew how he really was?” She looked away from me.

“Stop. I get it
. If anyone does, it’s me. You don’t have to feel ashamed by it. My shrink’s always told me that children of abusive parents tend to seek out dysfunctional relationships. I’ve had plenty of my own.”

“Thank you
,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“For not pitying me like most people do.” Her voice shook.

Pity was the last thing I felt for her. She was so strong, a fighter like me. Maybe that’s why she pulled at me so much. The more I found out, the deeper I slid.

The two days that followed
my dad’s sudden reappearance into my life were tense. I expected him to be everywhere I was. But he stayed away. It wasn’t until the third day that he decided to come out of wherever he had been hiding.

I was just getting home from work,
and Scarlet was with me. I tensed immediately when I saw him leaning against a beat up Buick.

“Go on upstairs. I’ll be up in a few.” I kissed her cheek and handed her my keys.

“Are you sure?” She looked at me uncertainly.

“Yeah, I’m
okay.” I waited until she had gotten inside before I walked over to him. “What are you doing here Tom?”

“We have more to talk about. I was just giving you some time to get used to the idea.”

“What else do we have to talk about?” I wasn’t in the mood for this tonight.

“I need you to understand that it wasn’t really me who did all those things to you and your sisters
—it was the drugs. They turned me into something I couldn’t control.”

“I’m sorry, but that sounds like a line to me. What exactly are you hoping to gain from all of this? Money? I don't have any. Everything I have is from the Kleins, but I suppose you know that already right?”

“I’m not here for money. I’m here for you. I lost so many years with you, years I should have had.”

“You have no one to blame but yourself for the lost years Tom. I’m not your son, you just happen to be the guy who knocked up the lady who gave birth to me.” I started to walk away, but he grabbed my shoulder.

“Get your hands off of me.” My voice was low and full of menace. He dropped his hand immediately.

“Don’t go, please. I have more to say
,” he pleaded.

“Say it then.” I crossed my arms, willing the rage to subside.

“I want you to forgive me. I need that more than anything. You have to know how sorry I am.” He scrubbed his hands over his eyes.

“How long have you been off the drugs?”

“Years. I’m totally straight now, I promise.”

“What was it that you were on before?” I needed to know for some reason.

“Meth.” He looked down at his feet. I didn’t care if he was embarrassed or not, I had a right to know this.

“Are you on parole?”

“Probation, it’s a little bit different.”

“Did you have to get permission to leave the state to come here?” I was trying to
find out if I could get him sent away again.

“I got permission to be here.”

“For how long?”

“Long enough. Is that really what you want to ask me about?”

I shook my head. “Do you think about her?”

“All the time, how could I not? I can never undo what I did Chad, I know that. I just want to move forward with you. I want to show you I’m different now.”

“How is it that you plan to do that?”

“By being here. I’m not leaving
. I want you to see how I’ve changed, I want you to know me.”

“You can hardly expect me to welcome you with open arms Tom. I don’t want to know you. I don’t care about your bullshit excuses or
want to hear anything you have to say. You aren’t important to me or my life. I’ve hated you for as long as I can remember, and I don’t think that’s going to change because you came here and made some speech about how the drugs made you a monster. No one made you take them—that was all on you. It’s not going to make me forget all the times you hit me or seeing Frannie’s dead body. I still have nightmares about that night.”

“I’m not expecting it to be an overnight thing. I know it’s going to take time, I just want you to give me that. Give me the time to prove myself to you.”

“I can’t promise you that. We’re done here. You need to leave now.”

“Wait...”

“No, you said your piece, now get out of here. Haven’t you done enough? Do I really need to relive all the same shit over again? Go back to Washington, leave me alone.” I walked straight up the stairs without giving him a chance to say anything else.

Scarlet was pacing around inside when I walked through the door, her phone was in her hand.