The Deepest Cut (10 page)

Later, after dinner, Josie came to my room. She said she thought I might want some company (I didn't) and she sat on my bed telling me all about the others and what was wrong with them.

I still hadn't seen the cleaners and I was wondering if they came late at night. I really wanted to be keeping my eye out for them, but I couldn't concentrate on watching my doorway in case they walked past because Josie was commanding all of my attention.

That was when I made the impulsive decision to let her in on my plan. I thought she might be able to help.

I opened the notebook at the page of my list and I showed her.

At first, she smiled, maybe thinking it was going to be something good, or funny. But as she read, her face dropped. When she finished she closed the book and looked up at me, shocked.

Then she got up and walked out of my room without saying another word.

I knew then that I'd made a massive mistake.

Eight

I was on code red alert suicide watch. I was to be constantly supervised, twenty-four hours a day. A nurse was all but handcuffed to my side, when I slept, when I woke up, when I ate breakfast, even when I went to the loo. It was humiliating.

If Josie thought she could be my friend now, she could get lost. She'd betrayed me. She'd gone straight up to the night nurse and told them what was in my pad and it all went mental.

‘I'm sorry,' she'd said crying. ‘I did it because I care.'

I shouldn't have trusted her and I was cross at myself for letting her close.

Owing to my new suicide risk tag, I was seeing David twice a day.

He was sitting on a chair, by my bed, and he was clicking his pen over and over again while reading from my notepad.

‘You can leave,' he said to the nurse who automatically did as she was told, no questions or sighs or anything at all.

We were alone.

‘I'm confused, Adam,' he said.

I sat up.

‘I've read everything in your notebook, all the stuff you've written for me about Jake and Nathan and it's good, it's really good stuff. I'm pleased.' He flipped a few pages back and forward. ‘The last thing you wrote was that you were going to have to stop and not go into what happened at the Christmas party, right?'

I nodded.

‘And then the next thing in your notebook is your grand, master escape-or-kill-yourself plan. Are they connected? I mean, did thinking about the Christmas party make you have suicidal thoughts again?'

I shrugged.

‘So the suicidal thoughts have been there the whole time?'

I didn't want to admit to it. I didn't want him to know that I was just there, behaving myself and biding my time.

‘Right,' David said. He tore out the pages of my plan from my notebook and slipped them into his.

‘I need you to try your hardest to commit yourself to your recovery, Adam,' he said.

He closed his notebook and looked at me intently.

‘I know that right now, it seems like nothing is ever going to get better, but the thing is, you're not going to be able to end your life while you're in here, and I'm not going to let you out until I'm certain you are no longer suicidal.'

He sat forward.

I looked everywhere but at him. I knew what was coming next. I didn't want to hear it.

‘I want you to try and tell me what happened at that Christmas party. I'm really intrigued,' he put the notebook on my bed and stood up. ‘No more, nothing more at the moment, unless you can.'

I didn't know if I could do any of it, even the Christmas party. I was terrified that thinking about it was going to send me spiralling down into that place again.

‘Try and tell me what happened. Let me help you?' David asked.

I lay back down and faced the wall.

He called the nurse in and left me there, trying to block out the thoughts that were already invading my mind. It started at the Christmas party. It was one of those: if we hadn't gone, Jake would still be alive. There was no doubt about it.

‘Fuck me, you lot are keen, it's only half seven.' Ed Watkins looked up from where he was emptying bags of ice into a paddling pool full of water.

‘It starts at half seven,' I said, confused. The garden was as empty as the house was.

‘Never get here for the time it starts, Ad,' he laughed. ‘How d'ya get in anyway?'

‘Door was on the latch,' Jake said. He grabbed a bag of ice, ripped it open, and emptied it into the pool.

‘Cheers, man,' Ed saluted Jake. He turned to me and Nathan. ‘Hey, you two don't have to just stand there you know, grab some of those beers and chuck them in.'

I liked Ed. He was all right. He was in year thirteen, the year above us, and he was popular because all the girls fancied him, and that made him cool. We were excited to be invited to his party. Ed had been promising this party since Halloween, but his parents had kept cancelling their weekend away.

‘So you finally got rid of your parents?' Nathan asked.

‘Yeah, they've gone to some posh hotel for the weekend for Dad's Christmas work do. Thanks for wearing your costumes, anyway. Feels a bit odd now it's not Halloween anymore, right?'

‘I like yours. It's funny ‘cause it's ironic.' Jake pointed to Ed's outfit. He was dressed as a vampire.

‘My name is Edward, couldn't not, really, could I?'

‘So who's gonna be your Bella then?' I asked. Nathan elbowed me in the ribs and I scolded myself for sounding stupid.

Ed laughed. ‘I've got my eye on Jessica in your year. She's friends with your Kelly, right?' He asked Jake.

‘Jessica Terry?' Jake asked.

‘Yep, she's got amazing tits, hasn't she?' Ed asked. He ripped open a box of beer and started chucking the cans in the pool of ice, one by one. ‘They're definitely coming, right?'

‘Yeah, man, they went out earlier to get their costumes and shit,' Jake said.

‘What they coming as?' Ed threw Jake and Nathan a beer each. He nodded to me to take one myself. I didn't really like beer, but I didn't want to look like an idiot so I took one.

‘Dunno,' Jake said, shrugging. ‘She tried telling me but I was right in the middle of a game of Call of Duty at the time, so I may have not been listening properly.'

‘Girls, man.' Ed rolled his eyes. ‘How's things with Megan?' he asked Nathan.

‘Yeah, she's amazing,' Nathan said.

‘Look at you, you're well loved-up,' Ed said.

Nathan smiled. ‘Might be.'

‘Totally,' Ed laughed. ‘Adam, you got a girlfriend?' He asked.

‘Nope,' I said and looked straight at the floor. I didn't have a girlfriend, wasn't even close. I was as pure as they came and totally embarrassed about it.

Ed stood up straight and eyed me up and down. ‘Jake's a mummy, right, obvious. Nath's Superman, even more obvious.' He cocked his head to the side. ‘But, seriously dude, why the fuck are you dressed as an old man? I mean, I know you're a bit weird and shit, but–'

‘I'm Albert Einstein,' I said. Jake and Nathan were looking at each other, trying not to piss themselves laughing. It'd been a running joke since the costume was delivered. They reckoned nobody would know what I was dressed as, but I said everyone knew who Einstein was.

‘It's meant to be ironic,' Nath said through his snorts.

‘Why's that?' Ed asked.

‘'Cause he's a swot, innit,' Jake said. ‘Einstein was clever. Adam's proper clever, too.'

‘Riiiiiight,' Ed said looking at Jake.

‘He reckons he'll pull if the girls think he's clever,' Nathan said.

‘While dressed as an old man?' Ed asked. ‘Yeah, 'cause all the girls wanna sleep with an old man.' He laughed.

‘Oi, you're all bitches,' I said and opened the beer I didn't want to drink.

‘It's alright, Ad, we'll find you someone,' Ed said. His eye line went to the girl walking out into the back garden dressed as a cheerleader. ‘But not her,' he said. ‘That's my sister, strictly hands off.'

‘Where's the vodka?' She asked Ed.

‘No, no way,' Ed said. ‘You're sixteen, Polly. No vodka, I've told you that.'

‘I don't give a fuck what you've told me, I'll drink what I want,' she said.

We all stood wide eyed, our mouths open.

‘And what the fuck are you lot looking at?' She asked.

‘If you want it, you'll have to find it yourself, and if Mum and Dad go bat shit when they get back, I had nothing to do with it,' Ed told her.

‘Get fucked,' she said, walking back inside with her middle finger up.

Ed rolled his eyes at her. ‘Right boys,' he said. He rubbed his hands together and smiled. ‘Let's get this party started.'

Jake had gone off with Kelly as soon as she'd got there, on account of the fact she was dressed as Catwoman with her tits half hanging out. ‘I need to spend some time alone with her, guys, you know what I mean?' He'd said to us before patting me on the back and disappearing with her into the party.

Nathan and I were in the kitchen. Every time someone walked into the room, his head darted around. He was waiting for Megan. I was hoping she wouldn't show because if she did, he'd go off with her and I'd be left like a loner.

‘Have this,' he said, handing me a plastic shot glass with bright green liquid in it.

‘What is it?'

‘Fuck knows,' he said. ‘Just drink it.'

‘I dunno what it is.'

‘Stop being a pussy and drink it,' he said, holding his glass up. ‘Ready? One … two … three …'

We downed them. It burnt the back of my throat and down my food pipe all the way to my stomach.

‘That was disgusting,' I said, through my screwed up face.

Nathan laughed.

A strange atmosphere came over the kitchen. Like it'd had gone a bit quiet and really tense. All eyes were on the group of people who were walking through like they owned the place. They weren't in costume, and they didn't look friendly.

‘Who are they?' I asked Nathan.

‘Dunno,' he said, watching them walk out into the back garden.

‘That's Ed's cousin, Danny, and his mates, they're proper twats, just stay away from them,' Megan's voice came from behind Nathan. His face lit up, he spun around, wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss.

‘You made it?'

‘Well, yeah,' she said. She pulled away from him. ‘You alright, Ads?'

‘Yeah,' I said.

‘Come on baby, let's get a drink from outside,' Nathan said and took her hand and led her out the back.

Not good. I should have had a sign round my neck with loner written on it. I looked around for someone I knew well enough to talk to until I saw Ed's sister Polly looking at me from the other side of the kitchen. She smiled. I had no idea why she was smiling at me. Either it was sarcastic, or she was bipolar. I looked away.

‘Alright? What's the matter?' A girl bumped into me as she walked past to get to the sink.

‘Me?' I asked.

‘Yeah, you,' she slurred. She was clearly drunk.

She filled up her plastic cup with ice from the sink, then took a bottle of Jack Daniels from the side and filled it up over halfway, then added some Coke.

‘Do you want some Coke with that JD?' I asked.

She put the bottle back on the side and gave me a filthy look.

‘Sorry,' I said. I scanned her up and down while trying to hide the fact I was checking her out. Schoolgirl's outfit. Standard lazy girl's fancy dress costume. Blonde hair in pigtails. Not fat, but not skinny. OK really. Nice-ish tits but not as nice as Kelly's – Jake could have that one.

‘Britney Spears,' she said.

‘Britney Spears?'

‘Yeah, not just a schoolgirl, I'm Britney Spears.'

‘She's a bit outdated now, isn't she?' I asked.

Silence, and then another filthy look. I should probably never talk to girls, ever. I was crap at it. I was coming across like a total idiot.

‘You can't talk, you're dressed as an old man,' she said. ‘Who the fuck comes to a fancy dress party dressed as an old man?' She asked.

Nice come back.

‘I'm Albert Einstein,' I said.

She took a sip of her drink and leant against the sink to stop herself swaying. ‘Is he the one who invented gravity?' She asked.

‘Nobody invented gravity. Gravity just is,' I said.

‘Yeah, you know who I mean,' she leant over and grabbed my arm and stumbled a bit. ‘The guy who sat under the tree and the apple fell on his head?'

‘Newton?'

‘No, he invented the light bulb,' she said.

‘No, Edison invented the light bulb,' I said.

‘Who's Edison?' She asked.

I heard a sarcastic snort and looked up to find Polly watching us both with a huge smirk on her face. In her hand she was holding that elusive bottle of vodka.

‘Edison invented gravity?' Britney Spears asked me.

‘Fuck me, you were last in the queue when they were handing out the brains, weren't you?' Polly said to Britney, who curled up her nose.

‘Thomas Edison invented the light bulb,' Polly said to her. ‘Newton came up with the theory of gravity after an apple fell on his head, and Einstein and I are going upstairs for a drink,' she said.

I was stunned at how smooth that was and, before I could argue, she grabbed my hand and took me out of the kitchen, into the hallway, weaving in and out of people, and up the stairs to her room.