The Deepest Cut (9 page)

I was so pissed off with them both; I shoved my feet in my smelly, no-name trainers and marched down the park. But by the time I got there, they'd gone.

I decided there and then that I was never going to speak to either of them again.

I un-friended them both on Facebook and deleted their numbers. They didn't need me anymore, so I didn't need them.

I woke up the next morning when a stone hit my bedroom window, cracking the glass. I jumped out of bed, opened it and put my head out.

Jake's eyes were so wide they were almost popping out of his head and Nathan's hand was over his mouth.

‘Nathan, you idiot,' Jake shoved him hard.

He'd broken my window. ‘What the–?'

‘Let us in,' Nathan shouted up.

‘What am I meant to tell my dad?' I shouted down.

‘Tell him a pigeon flew into it,' Nathan said, trying not to laugh.

I clocked Mrs Henderson in her front garden next door, pruning her roses or whatever it was she was doing. She was trying to pretend she wasn't paying attention, but I knew she was, so I had to go downstairs and talk to them, even though I didn't want to. They weren't going to go away.

When I opened the front door, Jake was telling Nathan he was going to have to get his mum and dad to pay for the window. Nathan was saying he couldn't because they'd go mental at him.

‘I don't care,' I said. ‘You just smashed my window. If you don't tell them, I will.'

‘Who's rattled your virginal cage?' Nathan asked.

‘Gonna let us in?' Jake asked.

‘Nope,' I said.

‘Go on?'

‘Nope.'

‘Please?'

‘Nope.'

‘Adam, for fuck's sake, let us in,' Nathan shouted.

‘Piss off,' I said. I pushed the door shut but Jake put his big lanky foot in it. They both used all their weight to push it and I was no match for them.

‘Can't you just piss off?' I said as the door flew back open and they walked in.

‘What's with the un-friending on Facebook?' Jake asked. His face was serious as he marched straight into the kitchen and checked the kettle for water.

‘What's with the acting like I don't exist?'

‘We're not acting like you don't exist. You'll understand when you get a girlfriend of your own,' Nathan said.

‘Nath, man, I said keep your mouth shut and let me do the talking,' Jake said. He put the kettle on and got three mugs out the cupboard, checking to see if they were clean before putting tea bags in.

‘You're well upset, aren't you?' He gave me a sideways glance while counting out the sugars. Nathan sat up on the work surface; looking offended that he'd been told to keep his mouth shut.

‘Wouldn't you be?' I asked him.

‘Nah, not really–'

‘Nathan, shut the fuck up,' Jake said. ‘We're sorry, man, we didn't think.'

‘Doesn't matter now,' I said. I folded my arms and leant against the door frame.

‘Why's that?' Jake asked.

‘Because we're not friends anymore.'

I went to walk away but my joggers and boxers were being pulled down and before I could do anything about it, Jake's big hand slapped my right arse cheek so hard that I buckled under the stinging pain.

‘Jake, you twat,' I punched him in the arm and pulled my trousers back up.

He flashed me his cheesiest grin.

‘I hate you,' I said, but I was trying not to smile.

Nathan jumped down off the side and put five twenty-pound notes on the table. ‘Then you won't want to come with us today then, will you?'

‘Where did you get that?' I asked.

‘Le bank of le mum and le dad,' he said smugly. ‘Even though I still don't think we've got anything to be sorry for, consider it an apology.'

We all stood looking at the money on the table. It was guilt money from Nathan's parents. They were never there. Their idea of showing him love and attention came in the form of crisp, twenty-pound notes. Not that Nathan ever complained.

‘Where we going, then?'

Jake handed me a mug of tea the exact colour I like it.

‘Nowhere with you,' Nathan said. ‘We're not friends anymore, remember?'

‘You shut up and drink your tea,' Jake said and handed him his mug. ‘And you shut up and drink your tea,' he said to me. ‘And I'm gonna drink my tea, and when we've all finished drinking; and Adam's got his, quite frankly, cheesy-smelling arse into the shower and dressed, we're hopping on the train to the seaside for the day, to blow that lot on the pier.'

‘You serious?' I asked.

‘Hell yeah, we're serious,' Nathan said, smiling.

‘No girls?'

‘Not a whiff of pussy in sight,' Jake said.

‘We're sorry.' Nathan said. His bottom lip was poking out.

Jake fluttered his eyelashes at me. ‘Are we forgiven?'

I picked up the twenties from the table. My stomach was doing a dance. ‘Yeah, go on then,' I said, rolling my eyes and doing a big exaggerated sigh.

‘Excellent,' Jake said. ‘Now gimme your phone.'

‘Why?'

‘'Cause while you wash your ball sack in the shower, I'm gonna re-add us on Facebook,' he said.

‘Don't ever be knobbish again?' I asked them both.

‘Likewise, douchebag,' Nathan said.

We were in year twelve when we went back to school and A-Levels were a massive shock. We had to knuckle down and work so hard that there wasn't a lot of time for much else.

The autumn term always goes quickest. One minute, it's the first day back; and then in a flash, it's Halloween, then Fireworks' Night, then it's December, and we're eating advent calendar chocolates after our Coco Pops in the morning, and then… Well then, it was Ed's fancy dress party. The night we met Danny. The night everything changed, and I can't write about that. Not yet. I'm not ready. I can't, because that night was the beginning of the end for us three.

So I'm going to have to leave it here.

Seven

It turned out that Josie had the raging hump with me for bailing on our game of pool and hot chocolate the night before.

I knew she had the raging hump with me because she didn't sit with me at breakfast; she didn't look at me all through our group therapy session, and didn't ask me to go down with her for a cigarette afterwards.

It was like I didn't exist.

Normally, I'd have gone into panic overdrive, avoiding her as much as I could, while being terrified she'd confront me and make me feel awful about myself. Now, I didn't really care too much. Not in a defensive way or anything, I just didn't feel anything about it. I had no emotions at all.

David had come in to see me after group therapy and told me he'd read everything I'd written so far and it was great. He didn't say anything else. He definitely didn't tell me he didn't think I was crazy after all, and he was going to let me go home, like I'd hoped.

I wanted out.

I wasn't crazy or mad or insane. I just didn't want to live anymore.

It was my right, whether I lived or died. It wasn't up to them to decide. It wasn't up to them, or my dad, or anyone else who thought it would be a genius idea chucking me in this crazy place so I could get ‘better'.

They weren't going to be able to make me better.

I sat on my bed when I should have been downstairs with Josie having a fake fag, trying to get my brain to work out ways I could either get out, or end my life while I was here.

My brain wouldn't work, so I got my pad out, turned to a new page, and I wrote a list.

Ways to get out

1.  Try and find out the keycode to the ward door and the outside door. (This will mean sorting things out with Josie so I can watch and try and memorise when we go outside for fags.)

2.  When outside for a fake fag, just bolt it. Run. Run really fast. (This will also mean sorting things out with Josie.

3.  Find a window with no bars on it (nurses' kitchen?) and climb out.

Ways to kill myself in here

1.  Find something sharp and slit both my wrists while in the toilet. (Will have to do it quickly.)

2.  Try and sneak to the nurses' station when nobody's there and grab the keys for the cleaners' store at the end of the corridor and drink loads of bleach. Or wait for the cleaners to come and just grab some and drink it really quickly, while the cupboard is open.

3.  Save up all my pills and take them all at once. (Work out how to hide them in mouth for when they ask you to open to make sure you've taken them and work out where to hide them.)

Out of all of those, I reckoned bolting it while outside on a fag break, or breaking into the cleaners' cupboard and drinking all the bleach would be my best options. I just had to work out which one, and when to do it.

I put the pad down and wondered about Debbie and Polly. I knew it'd only been the day before yesterday that David said he was going to call them but, if they were going to come, they'd have come in as soon as they heard.

Which meant they weren't coming. Debbie still hated me, and the fact Polly found me half-dead on the landing probably finally tipped her over the edge into never wanting to see me again.

I was totally on my own.

It didn't matter though, because I had a solid plan and I'd make it work by the end of the day.

‘Adam,' Damian's head poked round my door. ‘Fancy coming and doing some music therapy?'

I stared at him, wondering what the hell music therapy was.

‘Oh, come on, it's actually alright,' he said.

I shook my head. I needed to keep an eye out for the cleaners.

He came in and sat on my bed. ‘Did David tell you about the privileges system?'

I shook my head.

‘Do this and I'll put you down for privileges. Some of them can be things like having one of us get you your favourite takeaway, maybe even letting you come with us to get it.'

I sat up straight. That sounded like an option. I needed an option in case I couldn't get to the bleach. If I got out of here to go to get a takeaway, I could definitely bolt it and run away.

‘You coming then?'

I was. But I was still going to keep an eye out for the cleaners.

Music therapy was with a woman who came in once a week, and was properly trained in it. We sat in a circle and she played a song, some sort of classical music, and asked everyone how they felt about it. Then she asked everyone to choose an instrument out of the box, there were triangles, tambourines and little drums and stuff. It was like being back in a music lesson in primary school, except it all kicked off when Blake took the drum Caitlin wanted and refused to swap.

They had a huge row which the music-therapy woman couldn't control. It only ended when Caitlin smacked Blake round the back of the head with the drum stick, and was pulled out of the room kicking and screaming by one of the nurses.

We were told we had some free time until dinner and were sent off.

I was going to sit in view of the cleaning cupboard at the end of the corridor and bide my time.

As we walked out of the therapy room, Damian was leaning against the nurses' station.

‘You two,' he said, pointing at me, then Josie.

She looked at me then looked at the floor.

‘You fallen out?' Damian asked.

Josie shrugged.

‘Wanna tell me what happened?' He asked.

Neither of us spoke.

‘Sure?'

She gave a big sigh. ‘Adam just fucked off and left me like a loser by the pool table yesterday. He was meant to be getting hot chocolate but he just disappeared. When I asked everyone if they'd seen him, Blake said he was back in his room,' Josie said.

‘How did that make you feel?' Damian asked. He motioned for us to go and sit down on the chairs at the side of the nurses' station.

‘Like crap, actually,' Josie said, sitting down next to Damian. I chose to stand.

‘Why did it make you feel like that?' Damian asked her.

‘Because I was just trying to be his friend, you know. Make him feel welcome and stuff. There was no need to be treated like that,' she said.

‘Do you remember the chat we had about trying not to take things personally?' Damian asked her.

‘Yeah, but …'

‘Maybe Adam just needed some time alone, and he can't articulate his feelings, can he?'

‘Did you just want time alone?' Josie looked up at me.

I nodded.

‘There you go,' Damian said. ‘I know that what he did might have seemed rude, but try to think about how hard it must be for Adam at the moment. He can't speak to tell us what he needs or wants; just try to bear that in mind?'

‘I'm sorry,' she whispered.

‘So are you friends again?' Damian asked.

Josie stood up and moved towards me and before I could stop her, she'd wrapped her skinny arms around my neck and hugged me hard while I froze to the spot.

‘I just want him to be OK,' she said to Damian as she pulled away.

‘I know you do, Jose, but you got to remember that you can't fix everything,' he said.

‘Wanna go and get that hot chocolate?' Josie asked.

I didn't. I didn't understand why she cared about me. She didn't seem to care about any of the others, so why me? It made me suspicious, especially because she knew about what happened that night. Also, I didn't need a friend. It wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was to watch the cleaning cupboard. But I didn't have a choice. I had to be good in case I couldn't get to the cleaning cupboard and getting out on privileges was my only option. Hot chocolate it was.