The Deepest Cut (16 page)

‘The ones you ditched us for?' I asked him.

He gave me a filthy look.

‘Anyway,' Nathan said, making a point of turning his body away from me and towards Jake. ‘She fancies you, man.'

I snorted and shook my head.

‘I don't remember her,' Jake said. ‘Show me her on Facebook.'

‘Danny said you should come and hang out with us,' Nathan said, getting out his phone. ‘He thinks you're cool.'

‘How can he think Jake's cool?' I asked. ‘He doesn't even know him.'

‘Don't be jel, Ads, just because he doesn't think you're alright.' Nathan shook his head at me. He handed his phone to Jake.

Jake turned his nose up. ‘Nah, she's not my type,' he said, and went back to what he was doing.

‘You should think about it,' Nathan said. ‘Danny's OK, you know.'

‘Nah, it's OK,' Jake said. His head darted around to the corner. Kelly looked up at him, then straight back down. Jake sighed.

I gave him my best sympathetic smile.

‘Think about it,' Nathan said, putting his phone back in his pocket. ‘It'll help, I promise.'

‘Just because you didn't even stop to piss between girls, doesn't mean Jake's gonna be the same,' I said. I slammed my flour down on the worktop and some of it exploded out the top, into a puff of smoke in my face. I ignored them both laughing at me trying to bat the flour cloud away. If Jake had liked Lucy, and started hanging out with them all, I'd be on my own again. All because Danny didn't think I was cool.

‘Shut up, Ads,' Nathan said.

‘Why you being like this?' I asked him.

‘Like what?'

‘Don't act all innocent,' I said.

‘Ads is right you know, Nath. You need to stop acting like the hard man just 'cause you got your new hard friend Danny,' he tapped him affectionately on the shoulder. Nathan jolted his shoulder away.

‘See, this is what I mean about you two. You're always ganging up on me, and you wonder why I'm hanging about with Danny? At least he makes me feel like I belong,' he said. His eyes were watering like he was about to cry.

‘Nath,' Jake whispered. ‘It's OK, you do belong here with us. You're our friend.'

Nathan took a deep breath in, then sighed. ‘Yeah, OK,' he said.

Jake ignored his sarcasm, smiled at him, took the mixed-up pastry out the bowl, slammed it onto the worktop, and handed Nathan the rolling pin.

I didn't know how Jake could stay so calm with him, when all I wanted to do was launch myself over the worktop, grab him, and wring his neck.

When we'd finished the mince pies, we were told we could go straight home if we wanted to, or we could hang around, and see if there was anything else we could help with.

‘Come on then, boys,' Jake said. ‘That is, if you're coming?' He asked Nathan.

‘Yeah, I am as it goes.'

‘I'm going to hang around and wait for Polly,' I said. She didn't know I was waiting. I hadn't planned it. It would be the first time ever that I'd not walked home with Jake, and gone back to his for dinner, but I just wanted to get away from Nathan.

Jake's jaw hit the floor. ‘You're not coming back to mine?'

‘Nah, I'm gonna–'

‘Ah, see that,' Nathan jabbed me in the ribs. ‘You are a hypocrite. You can't go round saying I'm out of order for ditching you for Danny, when you're doing the exact same thing right now.'

‘You know what, Nath, maybe I just don't want to be around you? Have you thought about that?'

‘Why not? I'm awesome,' he said, smiling.

‘I just want to see Polly, OK?'

‘Suit yourself,' he said.

‘Go, I'll catch you up, go shop and get me a chocolate bar.' Jake handed Nathan a pound.

‘What?' I asked Jake. He was staring me in the face.

‘He's well upset you, hasn't he?'

‘What made you think that?'

‘Don't be sarky, Ads,' he said. ‘Look, ignore him. He's getting too big for his boots because of Danny, and Sarah and that, but it won't last. Remember what Ed said to you? We gotta be here for him when Danny turns him over,' he said.

I sighed.

‘Your girl's coming.'

I followed his eye line to behind me where Polly was walking up to us, snuggled under the hood of her jacket and a really huge scarf. When she saw me, she smiled really widely.

‘Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't.' Jake winked and walked off to catch up with Nathan.

Ten

I had the nightmare again.

In it, we're in the park. I'm sitting on the bench eating chips, and Jake and Nathan are playing football. I'm laughing at Jake and taking the piss out of him for missing a kick. It's amazing, just like old times, but then, out of nowhere, a massive gang of people comes over and a fight breaks out, and everyone starts beating Jake up.

I try to get off the bench, but I'm stuck, and I have to fight against this invisible force that's stopping me from moving. It's like trying to move in deep water. I can't. I can't get to him, and I struggle while I watch them take it in turns to stab him. Then they all run off and leave him to fall to the floor. He's lying there; the rain is beating down on his body and mixing with the blood and the mud.

Then the ground opens up beneath him and he falls into it. He just falls. He's gone. Into a hole in the ground and I can't move. I can't move to stop any of this happening, or to go and find him. He's gone.

When I woke up, I was screaming Jake's name over and over again. I sat up sweating, my heart racing, and I felt like I was about to throw up.

It was the first time I'd had it since I'd been there. That definitely wasn't a good thing.

There was a massive crash of thunder outside my window. The nurse watching came over to me with a cup of water.

‘Are you OK, Adam?' She asked.

I ignored her. I got out of bed and walked out into the corridor. She followed me closely but didn't say anything. It was dark in the corridor; there was only a small light on at the nurses' station.

Another flash of lightning followed straight away by a crash of thunder.

In the dark rec room, I could make out Josie. She was looking out of the window with a blanket draped over her shoulders and was watching the storm. I went to turn around and walk back to my room, but it was too late, she'd seen me.

‘Couldn't sleep either?' She asked.

I shook my head.

‘I love a thunderstorm,' she said after another big flash and crash. She was looking out the window at the dark sky. ‘Want to watch with me?'

I didn't move. I didn't want to watch it with her because I was still cross with her for grassing me up to the nurses and David.

She opened up her blanket. ‘It's OK,' she whispered.

I was worried that if I went back to bed, the nightmare might happen again. Staying out there with her would be a good distraction. I went and sat next to her but I didn't let her wrap the blanket around me and she didn't try to force it.

As we sat there and watched the sky light up and then erupt with thunder, over and over again, I wished so much she was Polly. Then I felt bad for thinking that. Even though she grassed me up and betrayed my trust, deep down I knew it was only because she cared.

We sat there for ages. She said nothing to me, demanded nothing from me. We just watched the storm come and go until my nurse told us to get back to our rooms.

Josie let me take the blanket with me. It was warm and soft and it made me feel safe.

After breakfast and group therapy, Josie and I went back to the rec room with cups of tea and sat together with the blanket over our laps.

‘We need an open fire and a 50-inch flat screen and all the movies we want to watch, don't we?' She said.

The TV was playing up, and two of the other patients were playing on the pool table. I didn't want to go back to my room after my nightmare the night before. I was feeling pretty restless and I could feel that Josie was, too.

‘Can we go out for a fag, please?' She asked Damian, who was trying to get the TV to work.

He looked at her from where he was perched on the end of one of the sofas. ‘Have you seen it out there?' He asked.

‘We can take a brolly?'

‘Nope, not while it's coming down in sheets, Jose,' he said. ‘This things buggered.' He stood up and turned the TV off.

‘You do realise you're going to have trouble on your hands, don't you?' Josie said.

‘'Cause of the TV?'

‘Nope,' she sighed. ‘Because of all the nicotine-deprived mental patients.'

‘Bring it on,' he said with a wink. ‘Nothing I can't handle.' He did a ninja move. Josie laughed and I smiled.

‘Blimey, Adam, was that a smile?' Damian asked. ‘That's progress, my man,' he winked. ‘And if this lot turn on me today, I want you on my side, OK?'

I nodded.

‘Right then, you two, if you're that bored why don't you go and join in music therapy?'

We both stared at him.

‘It's dangerous in there,' Josie said. ‘Didn't you hear about Caitlin beating Blake up with a drumstick?'

Damian shrugged. ‘You can go and grab some paper and pens off the guys doing art? Just no scissors …'

‘Nah, we're OK,' Josie said, curling up her nose.

‘Suit yourselves, just no moaning about being bored. There's plenty to do.'

I snuggled further under the blanket. I wondered if the smile did mean I was making good progress. I wondered if next time I wanted to speak and tried to, it would happen.

Maybe Damian was right, maybe I was getting better. I had been feeling it, but then the nightmare last night had thrown me off.

We got new cups of tea and some little packets of biscuits. Josie read a book and I sort of read over her shoulder, but also watched the sky as the rain stopped, the clouds moved away and the sun started shining again. It was the longest I'd stayed out of my room since I'd been there. It was the first time I'd actually chosen to stay with Josie, rather than run away from her at lightning speed.

‘Hate to break up what looks like the world's most amazing snuggle, you two,' Damian said. ‘But you've got a visitor.'

‘Good luck,' Josie said. She was looking over to the nurses' station. Confused, I turned around to see my dad standing there. He looked over and gave me an uncomfortable wave.

I walked over slowly.

‘You alright, son?' He asked.

I didn't look at him.

‘Right then,' David said, coming over. ‘Go and get your shoes on, then and meet us back here,' he said. ‘We're going to go for a nice walk.'

With every step I took towards my room, I hoped that some freak accident would take me out, so I didn't even have to spend a second with him.

Even though the sun had come out, it was windy and damp. It was the first time I'd gone outside since the day I'd had the fake cigarette with Josie. It felt strange to be walking and my legs felt a bit shaky, like they'd forgotten how to move further than twenty paces.

‘So how you feeling, son?' Dad asked.

David was walking next to me and watching my face. He knew I wasn't talking still, but he was leaving me to answer if I wanted to, or could.

We walked in silence until we approached a picnic-type bench under a huge bamboo canopy in the middle of quite a nice garden.

‘Shall we sit?' David asked.

I sat opposite both of them and regretted it straightaway. I felt like I was on trial, being questioned. A flash of the night I was in the police station in the interview room came into my head.

I distracted myself by eating the apple I'd brought with me that was left over from breakfast.

‘How's he been then, Doc?' Dad asked.

‘You're stable, aren't you, Adam?' He turned to my dad.

I wondered why David hadn't mentioned the plan and being on suicide watch. Or maybe he already had, maybe that was why Dad had come. Maybe they'd decided not to mention it to me to try and keep things normal. I took a big bite of my apple. I was hoping they'd get bored quickly, and Dad would go, and I could go back upstairs and away from him.

‘I'd like to gain a bit more insight into your life at home. Is it OK if I ask a few questions?' David was looking at my dad, who looked nervous.

‘Is it just you and Adam at home?' He asked.

Dad nodded, but it was a cagey nod. It wouldn't have surprised me if he'd taken my being locked up in here as an opportunity to move Jackie in.

‘And you work?'

Dad hesitated. Then spoke. ‘I lost my job a few years back, after Jenny, Adam's mum, passed away.'

That was rubbish. He hadn't worked for years before that. Mum always worked. Dad had always been on the dole, wasting his money down the bookies. He got loads of money off the government for me when Mum died, but I only saw a score from that each week, and I had to use that to feed myself.

‘OK. And you live in local-authority housing. Is that stable accommodation?'

Dad looked a bit pissed off, like he thought David was prying too much again.

‘Yes, Jenny and I were young when Adam was born, we lived there since he was a baby. It's not been easy …'

‘That's OK,' David said. ‘I'm just trying to grasp what levels of support Adam might need when he's eventually ready to leave us.'

I doubted that was true after what he'd said the other day about not letting me out till he knew I didn't want to kill myself anymore. I think he wanted to know about my childhood, my relationships with my parents. All shrinks do. They want to know at which point our parents messed us up.