The Deepest Cut (18 page)

‘Fuck off,' he said, leaning back onto the bench and out of my view.

‘Did you at least touch her tits?' Jake asked.

‘Yeah,' I said.

‘Anything else?'

I nodded.

‘Good.' He patted me on the back. ‘You be a gentleman then my friend. A part of a dying breed.' He nodded, jumped off the bench, and grabbed the football.

‘Nice to see you've graced us with your presence for once,' I said to Nathan.

‘You can talk,' he said. ‘Anyway, I'm not sticking around for long,' he pointed over to the gate where Sarah and Lucy were walking into the park.

‘Looky looky looky,' Nathan said standing up.

Jake looked at me with a screwed-up face. ‘I hope she's not come to try and pull me,' he whispered as he sat down next to me. ‘She'll be very disappointed. She's just not good enough for the Jake loving.'

I laughed and opened my can of Coke as we watched Sarah wrap her arms around Nathan. He picked her up off the floor and span her around.

‘You two best go in the bushes if you're gonna get up to stuff,' Lucy said. ‘Nobody wants to see that.' She walked away from them and over to us.

She stopped right in front of Jake, put her hand on her hips, cocked her head to the side, and smiled. ‘You're as good-looking as I remember,' she said. She opened her mouth slightly and bit her tongue. I think she was trying to be seductive or something, but she looked like a bit of an idiot.

Last time a girl came on to Jake while we were sitting on this bench, Jake took the bait and ended up with her for five months. Somehow, I didn't see this going the same way, judging by the stony cold look on his face.

‘You forgotten how to talk?' She asked.

‘Nope,' Jake said.

‘Oh, so you're just rude?'

‘Nah, I'm just cold and I want Nathan to hurry the fuck up so we can go home,' he said.

‘Yeah, it is cold, innit?' She said.

‘Freezing,' I said.

‘Who's your friend, Jake?' She asked.

‘Adam,' he said.

‘Oh, Adam,' she laughed. ‘You're Adam,' she said, pointing at me. ‘Yeah, Danny's told me about you.'

I didn't know what to say.

‘Danny's told you about Adam?' Jake asked. ‘What's he said?'

‘That he's a proper loser,' Lucy held her stomach in an exaggerated laugh.

Jake went to stand up, but I put my arm in front of him. ‘Leave it,' I whispered.

‘What, you can't stand up for yourself?' Lucy looked at me with her hands on her hips. ‘Anyway,' she turned to Jake. ‘About you being good-looking.'

Jake snorted and turned his head away.

‘Did Nathan tell you what I said?'

‘Yeah, he did,' Jake said.

‘You fancy going out, then?' She asked him.

‘Nah, it's OK,' Jake said, standing up.

Nathan and Sarah came over, holding hands.

‘Your mate's well rude,' Lucy said to Nathan. ‘Come on Sare, let's go. Leave these losers be.

‘Hang on a minute, you can't just be like that to my friend, and then accuse me of being rude to you,' Jake said.

‘Whatever,' Lucy said.

‘Now you're being rude to me,' Jake said. I really wanted him to shut up before it kicked off.

‘How am I?' She asked.

‘'Cause you are. Just 'cause I don't like you being blatantly rude to my friends, and just 'cause I don't want to go out with you, doesn't mean you can get lairy,' he said.

‘Jake, what the fuck, man? These are my friends,' Nathan said.

‘No, Nathan,' Jake stood up. ‘
We
are your friends.'

‘Jake, just leave it, man,' I took his arm.

‘No, I will not leave it. Didn't you just hear what she said about you? Who is that dickhead Danny, anyway? Who does he think he is to decide who's cool and who's not? I'm not having it, Ads.'

‘Do you know who you're talking to?' Lucy asked.

‘What's that supposed to mean?' Jake asked.

‘Jake, shut up, man,' Nathan shouted.

‘No, I will not shut up, Nath,' he said. His tone was short and angry. I tried to pull him away.

‘Whatever, man,' Lucy said. ‘But I'm tellin' you, you'll regret the day you were rude to me.'

‘Does it look like I'm scared?' Jake asked, half laughing.

‘You should be,' Lucy said, before she linked her arm in Sarah's and they walked off.

‘Sarah, Luce, wait up a sec,' Nathan called after them. ‘What's wrong with you?' Nathan asked Jake.

‘Nothing, I was just being honest.'

‘I try and do a nice thing for you, man,' Nathan shook his head at Jake.

‘What?' Jake twisted his face up.

‘Setting you up with Lucy,' he said, like Jake was an idiot.

‘I don't wanna go out with her, she's not my type,' Jake said.

‘Whatever, man, can't believe how rude you were, though. And, man, you should not go shouting your mouth off about Danny, you know,' Nathan shook his head and walked after Sarah and Lucy.

‘Ditching us again?' Jake called after him.

‘Leave him,' I said. ‘Let him go.'

Polly skidded into the front room with a huge bowl of popcorn, and jumped onto the sofa next to me.

‘You want these shut?' Debbie asked, holding on to one of the curtains.

‘Oh yes,' Jake said. He wiggled down onto the sofa and tucked his Power Rangers duvet in tighter around him.

‘This is so exciting,' Polly said. ‘I've never done anything like this before.'

‘You've not lived until you've joined in Jake and Adam's Christmas Eve Movie Extravaganza, have you, Ads?' Jake asked.

‘Not even a little bit.'

I smiled at Polly. She snuggled in a bit closer. I grabbed a handful of popcorn.

‘Mum, hit the lights. And no snogging in the back row, you two,' Jake said.

Polly had been hanging out with us a lot the last few days, and I'd been worried Jake was feeling like a spare part. I'd asked him that morning when Debbie had invited Polly to join in the movie day. He smiled and patted me on the back. Then he told me that any girlfriend of mine had to get used to our traditions, especially the Christmas Eve Movie Extravaganza.

We were just getting to the good bit in
Home Alone
when there was loads of banging on the front door.

‘Did you hear that?' Jake asked as he paused the TV.

Debbie had gone off to do some last-minute Christmas shopping, so we were the only ones in.

The banging happened again.

‘You go,' Jake said to me from under his duvet.

‘Why me? I'm comfortable.'

‘God, you two are the laziest arseholes on the planet,' Polly sighed. ‘I'll go.'

She walked down the hallway and opened the door. Nobody spoke, then the living-room door flew open and Nathan stood there with the widest eyes I'd ever seen on him.

‘Your cousin
…
' He pointed at Polly as she moved him out of the way and came and sat back down next to me. ‘Your cousin is a mentalist.' He was out of breath.

‘Tell me something I don't already know,' she sighed.

‘What's happened?' Jake looked up at him. ‘And also, hello. Surprised you remembered where I live.'

‘Don't start,' Nathan said, moving Jake's duvet and sitting down.

‘Well, what's he done then?' Polly asked.

‘He got arrested.'

‘What for?' I asked.

‘He had a brake light out, feds pulled him over, he had weed on him.'

‘Serves him right,' Jake said.

‘Were you with him?' I asked.

‘Yeah, I was with him and I shat my pants. I totally thought I was gonna go down with him. My mum and dad would have freaked out, man.'

‘So what you gonna do?' Jake asked.

‘Stay away from him innit? I can't risk it, man, if I get done for anything I can't go uni, and you don't even wanna know what my mum and dad will do if that happens.' He sighed and leant back.

‘So that's it, done?' I asked.

‘Totally,' he said.

‘What about Sarah?' Jake asked.

‘I can carry on seeing her,' Nathan said. ‘I'm just not hanging around with Danny anymore, that's all.'

I looked at Jake and he shrugged. Despite what Polly and Ed had said, I wasn't expecting Nathan and Danny's love affair to be over that quickly.

‘What we watching?' Nathan asked, settling himself down.

‘Hang on a minute,' Jake said. ‘Danny gets arrested, you shit your pants, decide it's over between the two of you, and come running back to us? Have you forgotten how much of a dickhead you've been to us both?'

Nathan stared at the wall. Then he jumped up. ‘Fine,' he said and went to leave the room. ‘Thanks a fucking lot,' he said.

‘There's no need to get defensive,' Jake said. ‘All you have to do is say you're sorry.'

Nathan put his head down. He mumbled something that resembled sorry, under his breath. ‘What we watching?' He asked.

‘
Home Alone
,' Jake said, still unimpressed, but un-pausing the TV.

We sat together watching movies for the rest of the day. The banter between us slowly came back and the atmosphere lifted.

Polly held my hand under the duvet, and it was all perfect. I wanted to suck up the happiness but I couldn't.

I still felt unsettled. Nathan wasn't just going to switch back to who he was before Danny came along. And how could he hang out with Sarah without seeing Danny? Danny wasn't the sort of person you just dump as a friend. There was no way he'd take that well. Even though Nathan was back, I couldn't shake the feeling of dread.

I was sure it wasn't over.

Eleven

I still wanted to be out of the hospital. After I'd written myself exhausted, I'd spent almost all night pacing up and down my room. I wanted to scream out in frustration, in anger; anything to get this emotion off my chest and out of my body. It was trapped in there, and it was like it was eating me up from the inside out. I couldn't deal with it, I couldn't handle it. I wanted to gouge a big hole in my chest so it could all pour out, onto the floor and away from me.

I knew writing it down would bring everything back.

I'd been sick three times in the night. I'd had the nightmare again. My head felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it and my heart was beating so fast. Sometimes it would flutter really strongly and I would think I was about to die. It was just like before. Just like before I took all the pills.

If I could just scream, or something …

I needed to break into the cleaning cupboard and get the bleach, and go into the bathroom and lock myself in there somehow, so they couldn't stop me. Then I'd be gone and with Jake. That was all I wanted, to be with him. I missed him so much.

I stormed out of my room and down the corridor to the far end where the cleaning cupboard was. I kicked the door over and over again. I knew they were coming, the nurse from my room was shouting. I could hear them running towards me.

A pair of strong arms went around my waist and lifted me up, but they didn't count on the strength all that emotion was giving me and I broke free of their grip, spun around, and pushed them hard away from me.

Then there were more of them. I kicked out but they had hold of me. They carried back to my room, held me down and gave me an injection.

People were in my room. I could hear giggling. I opened my eyes slowly.

It was Blake and Josie. They were standing in my doorway. The nurse, who was sitting on a plastic chair close to my bed, smiled at them as they walked in. She didn't get up and go away though, she stayed right where she was, but pretended not to be interested in what they wanted.

‘He's awake,' Josie said.

Blake's face broke into a really big smile. ‘Adam,' he sang, loudly.

‘Blake, use your inside voice, shhhh,' Josie rolled her eyes at me.

‘We've come to cheer you up,' Blake said in a shouty whisper. ‘I wrote you a poem. Wanna hear it?'

I sat up on my elbows. I wondered what time it was and how long I'd been asleep. The window in my room was letting in a little bit of daylight, so I must have slept right through.

Blake cleared his throat.

‘We know you're sad and mad and–'

‘Not crazy mad, mad like angry mad,' Josie said.

‘Shut up and let me do the poem,' Blake said. He cleared his throat again. ‘We know you're sad and mad, and that makes us sad, and we'd be glad if it weren't bad, and you got up and came to play Monopoly because Caitlin threw the board across the room and stole the doggy counter and ran off because she's mad.' He stopped. ‘Mad like crazy mad.'

He looked at me, waiting for a response.

I didn't give him one.

‘I know it's not much of an actual poem, but that did just happen,' he said.

‘True story,' Josie said.

I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be left alone.

‘OK,' Blake said, rubbing his forehead. ‘If you don't want to play Monopoly, at least come and help me convince Damian to go out and get us some cakes.'

‘Damian's not in today, doofus,' Josie said, sitting on my bed.