The Deer Park (36 page)

“Why can’t there be ten million people like you, H.T.?” Lulu said. She had finished her drink, and after a little pause, walked up to the desk and poured herself another.

“Lulu, do you know your Bimmler last year? It was twelve. This year you should have gone up, not down. Up to ten, to eight. Three, Number One, that’s the way it should have gone.”

“Mr. Teppis, maybe I’m a has-been.”

Teppis held up his hand. “Lulu, for a remark like that, I ought to take you over my knee and spank you.”

“Oh, Mr. T., what a construction I could put on that.”

“Ha, ha. Ha, ha. I’m crazy about you. Lulu, listen to me. The trouble is you’re weak, publicity-wise.”

“I’ve got the best press agent in the country,” she said quickly.

“You think you can buy publicity? Good publicity is a gift of God. The time is past, Lulu, when any sort of girl, you’ll see I’m speaking frankly, the kind of girl who’s so-called friends with this man and friends with that man until she’s notorious. The public wants what’s respectable today. You know why? Life ain’t respectable any more. Think they want to be reminded of that? Let me show you psychology. Ten years ago, a woman she was faithful to her husband, she wanted excitement, she wanted to dream she was having a big affair with a star—Lulu, I wouldn’t talk so frankly to any other person on earth. Today, you know what, that same woman she has boyfriends all over the place, with the man who fixes the television set, people like that. You think she wants to see somebody just like herself on the screen, somebody just as nuts as she is? She don’t. She’s ashamed of herself. She wants to see a woman she can respect, a married woman, a royal couple, the Number One married lovers of America. That’s true psychology.”

Lulu shifted in her seat. “H.T., you should have been a marriage broker.”

“You tell me that all the time—I’ll tell you something. If you could be married to the right kind of boy, let me give you an example, to a star let’s say with a Seven Bimmler, a Nine Bimmler, you know what? You think you’d come out with a Bimmler the average between the two of you, you wouldn’t, you’d end up with the two highest Bimmlers in the country. Know why? Two plus two don’t make four. It makes five, and five makes ten. That’s compound interest. You think about it. The right kind of marriage is better than compound interest. Lulu Meyers and anybody, Joe McGoe, I don’t care what the man’s name is just so he has a high Bimmler, and then you have the Number One royal couple of America, and America is the world, that’s where you’d be.”

Teppis blew a kiss at Lulu. “You’re my darling, do you know that? You’re my A-1 darling.”

“I hope so, H.T.”

“You take this young fellow of yours, what’s his name, this Shamus Sugar-boy fellow.”

“You mean Sergius.”

“I’ve looked into him. He’s a nice boy. I like him. I’d hire him. Not for acting, you understand, but some sort of work, moving sets around, driving a truck, he’s the kind of boy who’d be good for that, sincere, well-meaning maybe, but I think about him with you, and you know what I decide? Lulu, that boy is not for you. He’s insignificant. He would drag you down. I don’t care how many planes he says he shot, he’s a bum, that’s the sort of person he is.”

“Oh, you don’t have to disparage Sergius, Mr. T.,” said Lulu, “he’s very sweet.”

“Sweet boys, a dime a dozen. He’s a kid. You’re a woman. That’s the difference. I think we understand each other. What I want to say is something I got in mind that’s going to stun you. Want to know who I think you should marry?”

“I can never know what you think, Mr. Teppis.”

“Guess. Go ahead, guess.”

“Tony Tanner,” Lulu said.

“Tony Tanner? Lulu, I’m ashamed of you. I looked up his Bimmler myself. One hundred and eighty-nine, that’s what a nobody he is. It’s a disgrace for a woman not to value herself. I got somebody better to think about. I don’t want you to say a word, I want you to sleep on it. Teddy Pope, what do you say?”

Lulu came to her feet. She made a small demonstration of opening and closing her mouth. “I’m shocked, Mr. T.,” she said at last.

“Sit down. I’ll tell you something. Maybe you don’t know it. I got no desire to hide it from you. Teddy Pope is a homosexual. It makes you wonder, don’t it? Could H.T. be the kind of man who gets down on his hands and knees to beg a beautiful girl like you to marry a faggola?”

“You could never be that kind of man,” Lulu said. “You’re too respectable and upright.”

“Let’s not get off the sidetrack. I want you to answer me one question as honest as you can. Do you admit, paying no attention for the moment to your personal life, that to be married to Teddy Pope, wouldn’t that be the biggest benefit you could bestow on yourself, publicity-wise? The Number One couple of America. Say I’m right.”

“I can’t say you’re right, Mr. Teppis.” Lulu rattled the ice cubes in her glass, and in a voice which mimicked him, she added, “I think you’re being selfish.”

“Nobody else in the whole world could say that to me.”

“I ought to cry,” Lulu said. “I’ve told everybody you’re like a father.”

“Don’t hurt my feelings, Lulu.”

“H.T., I feel as if things can never be the same between us.”

“To talk like that,” Teppis exclaimed. “It’s disgraceful. After all I’ve done for you.”

Lulu began to weep. “I don’t like Teddy,” she said in a little voice.

“Like him! You stop crying. I know you, Lulu, and I’ll tell you something. Teddy Pope is the only man you could ever be in love with. You think I’m crazy. You’re wrong. Just cause he’s a homo, you think it’s an insult to you. But I’m an old man, I know people. You and Teddy can hit it off. He’s been hurt, he’s got a delicate heart, there’s a lot for an actress to learn from him about the subtleties of human nature. Lulu, you’re the woman who could straighten him out, and then he’d worship the ground you walk on.”

Lulu put a handkerchief to her eyes. “I hate you, H.T.,” she sobbed.

“You hate me! You love me, that’s why you hate to listen to me. But I’ll let you know something. You’re a coward. A girl with your looks, your appeal, should rise to a challenge. You’re the most attractive girl I ever saw in my life. It don’t mean nothing if you get a young healthy nobody excited about the kind of woman you are. That’s beneath you. It’s like a Hercules award for doing ping-pong. That’s the sort of ridiculous thing it is. But think of the respect people would have if you could make a man out of Teddy Pope.”

“And what if I couldn’t?” Lulu said.

“You’re defeated before you start. I’m disappointed.”

“Mr. Teppis, I’ll quote you: ‘Look around before you take a step. There could have been dogs in the grass.’ That’s what you said, H.T., I have witnesses.”

“You make me miserable. I thought you were a gambler like me.”

Tears ran down her cheeks. “H.T., I want to get married,” she said in a tremulous voice. “I want to love just one man and have a beautiful mature relationship and have beautiful children and be a credit to the industry.”

“That’s the ticket, Lulu.”

“But if I marry Teddy, it won’t work, and I’ll become promiscuous. You’ll see. Will you be sorry when I’m like that?”

“Lulu, you could never be promiscuous. You’re too fine. Suppose at the very worst, there should be a fellow or two that you would like and admire and diddle around with, while still being married to Teddy. I don’t advise it, but it happens all the time, and you know what? The world don’t stop moving.”

“H.T., that’s an immoral proposal. I’m ashamed of you.”

“You’re ashamed of me?” Teppis whispered. “You said the wrong thing right then. I sit up nights trying to figure out how to save your career, and this is the thanks you give me. You’re wild, that’s what you are. Know what a star is? She’s like delicious perishable fruit. You got to take her a long distance to market, and when she’s there, you got to sell her. If you don’t, she rots. She’s rotten. Lulu, I’m speaking like a man to a woman. There are a lot of high executives in this studio who are fed up with you. Have you got any idea of the number of times I got to argue in your behalf? ‘Lulu needs discipline,’ they tell me, ‘Lulu’s too hard to handle. She gives us more heartaches than she’s worth.’ Believe me, Lulu, as God is looking into this room, you’ve made enemies, hundreds of enemies on this very studio lot. If you don’t start to co-operate, they’ll get into the process of tearing your flesh and picking your bones.” His voice had started to rise. “That’s exactly the sort of situation it is,” he now said quietly. “I don’t want to depress you, but Lulu, your Bimmler has got to show improvement this coming year. Otherwise, there’s only one way for you.” He pointed to the floor. “The way is down. You’ll go down and down. You’ll get older, you won’t look so good, you won’t get work so easy, you won’t have a studio behind you. Know what a studio means? It’s like a battleship. Look at Eitel. You’ll become so ashamed you’ll change your name. And that’s how you’ll end up, a dance-hall cutey, that’s the sort of girl. I could cut my throat I’m so aggravated.”

“I’m amazed you should stoop to intimidate me,” Lulu answered.

“You don’t fool me,” Teppis said, “you’re scared stiff. Because you know what I think of people who let me down.” He reached forward and squeezed her shoulder. “Lulu, be my witness, don’t even answer me right away, this is the only favor I ever asked you. Would you turn H.T. down? Consider carefully. Weigh your words.”

Lulu burst into tears again. “Oh, Mr. Teppis, I love you,” she cried.

“Then do something for me.”

“I’ll do anything for you.”

“Would you marry Teddy Pope?”

“I’d even marry Teddy Pope. I want to marry Teddy after the way you explained it, Mr. Teppis.”

“I don’t want to talk you into it.”

“I’d marry Teddy in a minute now,” Lulu sobbed, “but I can’t.”

“Of course you can,” Teppis said. “Why not?”

“Cause I married Tony Tanner this morning.”

“.….…….…”

“Mr. Teppis, please don’t be angry.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying. We were secretly married.”

“God, how could YOU do this to me?” Teppis bellowed.

“It isn’t that terrible, Mr. Teppis,” said Lulu from her handkerchief.

“You broke your promise. You’re torturing me. You told me you’d tell me if you wanted to get married.”

“That was to Sergius.”

“I could spit. It’s not worth it being alive.”

“Do you want a glass of water, Mr. Teppis?”

“
No
” He smashed his fist into his palm. “I’ll annul the marriage.”

“You couldn’t. Tony would fight it.”

“Of course he’d fight it. He’s got his lawyer already.” Teppis stared down at her. “Would you fight it, too?”

“Mr. T., a wife’s duty is to her husband you always say.”

“I could rip my tongue out. Lulu, you got married to spite me.”

“H.T., I’ll prove you’re wrong by spending the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“I’m sick.”

“Forgive me, H.T.”

“I’m going to persecute you.”

“H.T., punish me, but don’t hurt Tony.”

“Don’t hurt Tony! You disgust me. Lulu, you ain’t capable of thinking of nobody but yourself. You could drop dead, I wouldn’t even look at your grave.” His arms raised, he started to advance on her.

Lulu prepared to flee the room. “Come back here,” Teppis said. “I don’t want you to leave like this.”

“I worship you, H.T.”

“You’ve shortened my life.”

“H.T., I don’t care what you do. I’ll always say, ‘God bless you.’ ”

He pointed to the door, his mouth quivering.

“H.T., please listen to me.”

“Get out of here. You’re a common whore.”

When she was gone, Teppis began to shake all over his body. He stood in the center of the room, shaking visibly. “It’s a wonder I don’t pop a blood vessel,” he said aloud. The sound of his voice must have calmed him a little, for he went to the interoffice phone, pressed the buzzer, and said hoarsely, “You send Collie up here right away.”

A few minutes later Munshin was in the office. “When are the wedding bells?” he asked as he came in the door.

“Collie, you’re a dummy,” Teppis bawled at him. “You’re an A-1 stupid moron.”

“H.T.! What’s up?”

“Lulu got married to Tony Tanner this morning.”

“Oh, Jesus,” said Collie.

“That Teddy Pope. A degraded homosexual. I had him twisted into a pretzel.”

“I’ll bet you did, H.T.”

“You shut up. This whole thing was your idea. I wash my hands of it.”

“You’re right, H.T.”

“Don’t you even know what’s happening in front of you? A fact accompli is what Lulu gives me. I could cut her up.”

“It’s what that twot deserves.”

“I’m nauseous. A dime-a-dozen comedian, a coarse person like Tony Tanner. I hate coarse people. Isn’t there any class left in the world?”

“You’re the class, H.T.,” said Collie.

“Shut up.” Teppis wandered around the room like an animal with a hole in its flank, and collapsed in a chair. “I made you, Collie,” he stated, “and I can break you. I hate to think of what you were when I first knew you, a two-bit agent, a nobody, a miserable nothing.”

“It wasn’t as bad as that, I hope.”

“Don’t contradict me. I let you marry my only daughter, I made you my executive assistant, I let you produce your own pictures. I know you, Collie, I know your tricks, you’ll cut my throat someday. But you won’t because I’ll break you first. Do you hear me? What’s your ideas?”

Collie stood calmly, almost placidly. “H.T., I’ll be frank,” he said, “it’s my fault about Tony, I admit it.”

“You better admit it. I don’t know what’s the matter with you lately. You can’t do nothing right these days. That Air Force boy. I’m sick every time I think of that movie we can’t make all because you’re such a miserable failure.”

“H.T., I’ve learned everything from you,” Collie said, “and I’m not worried. I know you can turn this into something tremendous. I even remember you saying that that’s what failures
were for, to give ideas.” Collie extended his arms. “H.T., in my book, and I copy your book, you can do more with Tony than you ever could with Teddy. A lot of work, yes, but one thing I learned from you, H.T., Teddy is through. You’ll pick up the paper someday and he’ll be in the can for scrounging around a character on the vice squad.”