The Douchebag Bible (32 page)

to be found in a sentence that God was never in. Further, he

boldly declared—
as if it were a fact
—that Democrats were to

blame for this “travesty.”

Let me explain politics in America to you, folks. The

Republicans are
Coca-Cola
and the Democrats are
Pepsi-Cola
.

That’s all you need to know. Same drink, for all intents and

purposes. Some people will swear up and down that there are vast

differences between the two—Coke people say the Pepsi has a bad

aftertaste and Pepsi people say that Coke has a bad aftertaste, but

if you give a Coke person a Pepsi or a Pepsi person a Coke, most

can’t tell the fucking difference.

The difference is all in the packaging and the marketing. It

doesn’t matter that these drinks taste nearly identical—to watch

the competing ads for the two, you’d imagine that no two drinks

were ever so different. But folks, be intelligent for a minute, two

things that are genuinely different don’t need to spend millions of

dollars a year convincing you of how different they are. Milk

doesn’t put out ads telling you not to drink orange juice.
Peanut

Butter Crunch
has never and will never put out an ad letting you

know just how superior their cereal is to mashed potatoes and

gravy.

Democrats and Republicans are essentially the same beast,

and I’ve created a helpful flowchart that shows you how they

decide policy:

[The chart no longer exists. Use your imagination]

That’s the breakdown, boys and girls. The folks on CNN

would love it to be more complicated than that, but it’s not.

Americans would like to believe that one side fights for them and

the other side are ravenous monsters who want to see America’s

values crumble to the dirt, but that’s not the case either. When

you believe that, you’re a puppet. The GOP or the DNC have a big

greasy hand up your ass. Your lips are moving, but the words

aren’t coming from inside your head—they’re coming from Rush

Limbaugh or Michael Moore (neither of whom I have any

particular problem with, by the way).

There’s nothing wrong with having your own beliefs, but

when you view your opponents as not just wrong, but somehow

malevolent, you’re not solving anything. You’re not just part of

the problem; you
are
the problem. If the people stopped worrying

that the other half of the people were fucking them in the ass they

might stop to notice that both “sides” are holding
everyone
down

while the corporations fuck each and every one of us.

Now, let’s be clear: I’m not advocating the destruction of

corporations. I love that we’re a country of mass production

where I can buy a computer for less than a grand or eat at

cheeseburger for 1/6th of an hour’s labor at minimum wage. I like

that we can get quality goods at affordable prices. What I’m not

happy about—and what none of us should be happy about—is that

these same corporations are ruling over our government. We did

not elect Wal-Mart or Halliburton our leaders and it shouldn’t be

up to them whether we pass environmental reforms or labor

reforms or enact economic regulations. They deserve a voice, but

they don’t deserve an amplifier. They don’t deserve more say in

the fate of the American people than the American people.

As long as they keep us fat and fatalistic, they will keep

control. As long as we continue to believe that they are

unstoppable, they are. As long as we worry about fake issues, we

will be distracted from the important truth that we are powerless.

It doesn’t matter what we want. It only matters what IBM and

Wachovia want.

And they don’t want you to be free. They want you to be a

dumb slave who will pull the cart along without question. Thusfar

you’ve given them what they want.

What Is Freedom?

In the greatest B-movie of all time, “Deathrace 2000”, Sylvester

Stallone plays a character with the enviable name of Machine Gun

Joe Viterbo who is introduced to a jeering arena of spectators

with one of the most underrated lines in all of cinema: “Here he

comes! Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions!”

That’s the essence of freedom, folks.

When you’re loved, you are held to a gold standard that no

human being can really live up to. When you’re hated, almost

anything you get up to is fully expected of you. If the governor

fucks a hooker, it’s a story that makes the front page of all the

newspapers; but if the governor’s gardener fucks a hooker, it’s

hardly even a story to tell your friends at work.

The good man—or, at least, the man who is thought to be

good—is not free to tell the truth. He has to worry about what the

neighbors will think, what the papers will think, what his golf

buddies will think. How will they look at him when he goes to his

favorite Mexican restaurant? How will they treat him in the

checkout line at the grocery store? He can’t tell the truth. He can

only parrot one of two or three socially acceptable positions on

any given subject matter.

The bad man—or, at least, the man who is thought to be

bad—is not similarly constrained. He can tell the truth all day

long because he doesn’t give a fuck what the neighbors think. The

papers don’t report what he says or does. He doesn’t play any

faggoty games like golf. He is used to getting nasty looks wherever

he goes. He knows that people don’t approve of him or the way he

lives his life. He can tell the truth.

Truth is freedom. Freedom is truth.