The Douchebag Bible (43 page)

I dedicate this book to my loving wife and the

undisputed owner of my mind, body and soul, Holly

Kirk.

WHO AM I?

1. “GUESS WHO?”

matter how much I work to

dissuade people from being

No
interested in my personal life,

many still ask me about it.
My

aversion to the topic has nothing to do with deep,

hidden secrets that I must work to protect. Nor does

my reluctance stem from embarrassment or an

inability to communicate certain things. I have

nothing to hide.

The primary reason that I avoid the topic of my

personal life is because I'm actually quite boring. I

don't go to parties or social gatherings. I don't hang

out with cool people or have interesting adventures.

I have no good stories and I have few amusing

anecdotes. My autobiography is more the stuff of

pamphlets than of memoirs.

Typically, I wake up at around noon, but stay

in bed until about one o'clock in the afternoon, lazily

contemplating the banalities of life. My wife and I

argue over who will take the dog out (I normally lose

this argument). I don't shower every day, because it

dries out my skin. I shower every other day,

spending most of the time making sure that my butt

and crotch are not producing odors powerful

enough to make birds fall out of the sky.

My wife and I argue over something stupid like

which one of us is a “poopface” or a “butthole.”

I go downstairs to work on one of my projects—

YouTube videos, my website or maintaining my

presence on various social networks (Tumblr,

Facebook, Twitter). I work diligently to make sure

that my fans know that I care about them and that I

am eager to produce content for them to the best of

my ability.

While I’m doing this, Holly works on keeping

the house in order: doing dishes, washing clothes,

making dinner. I help her as much as I can and she

helps me as much as she can. Because what is

marriage for if not to have someone to help you out

with your life? Some would say that it's all about

forming a strong bond to have and raise children—

but Holly and I have little interest in making a child

the center of our worlds. We have our own interests

and values and children don't yet fit into the world

we have made, and are continuing to make, for

ourselves.

In the bedroom we snuggle, we talk, we fuck,

we watch nature documentaries or Disney movies

(Holly is very fond of the repetitious watching of

animated Disney films and I've found myself

surprisingly amenable to this obsession). If we have

weed, we smoke it. If we have no weed, we smoke

Black and Milds. She likes to pluck my eyebrows. I

like to tickle her thighs. It's not an exciting daily life,

but I am content. I've never been one for excitement,

if I'm honest with myself.

We tell each other that we love each other

constantly, even though we’ve been together for four

years. I think it’s because we don’t know what else to

say sometimes. We both feel so lucky to have the

kind of relationship that we have. Sometimes words

just aren’t enough to express that kind of affection—

so we just lay around, holding each other. We’re

both very affectionate people. We need to smother

one another in adoration.

We also both have tempers. So there are times

when things are less idyllic, but as we've gotten used

to each other, screaming matches have become rare.

I think that the fact that I have such a perfect home

life is part of the reason I can face down the world

with such fearlessness. Without Holly, I have no real

center.

2. FIGHTER

Most of the adventures of my life are internal. For