The Douchebag Bible (41 page)

adjust to daily life are typically those who shun reading. Only

through constant reading can we being to appreciate life. Those

who don’t read are the walking dead.

SMALL PENISES—
There is no greater motivator than a small

penis. The only cure for which is large sums of money.

TOUCH
—Fear of teach is fear of self. Those who put up a barrier

between themselves and other are either afraid of being

contaminated or afraid of contaminating others. If you know one

of these people, touch them relentlessly. If you are one of these

people, force yourself to touch others more often.

HOLIDAYS
—It is important that some days be special, either

anticipated or dreaded. Without these landmarks the calendar

would be a bleak place indeed.

MONEY
—Only through money and the right attitude towards

money can man achieve happiness.

THE RIGHT ATTITUDE TOWARDS MONEY—
Money is

without value. Possessing mountains of money means nothing, in

and of itself. Money is important because with it you can provide

a good and lavish life not only for yourself but for those who you

care about.

HURTING OTHERS—
Never hurt those who have not in some

manner invited your wrath. The man who avoids conflict should

be left alone, but the man who insults you has invited back any

measure of retaliation if he does not heed your warnings to this

effect.

ACCEPTING THE IMPERMANENCE OF THINGS—

Nothing lasts forever, not even self. You could, as the Buddhist

cowards do, detach yourself from all things and renounce your

place in this world, but it is far braver and ultimately more

gratifying to experience attachment and be strong though periods

of separation.

God Of The Godless

“God of the Godless” is a title that I gave myself around the time

my subscriber count on YouTube became five figures and people

started saying things like, “I can’t believe I’m really talking to

someone famous!” to me. Most people look at the title as further

proof of my massive ego. Very few take the paradox of the

distinction to its natural, self-deprecating, conclusion.

God of the Godless is self-negating. It doesn’t mean

anything. Or, more precisely, it means “nothing.” As in, “nothing

to see here folks.”

The point of the title is that I’m not important. I am an

espouser of a particular belief system and it’s that belief system

that is important. Whether I’m dissecting society’s values or

making jokes about Skeletor hijacking an airplane, I’m still trying

to convey a viewpoint and only you can give that viewpoint any

meaning.

Without you there to laugh at my jokes, or nod your head

with my grievances, I’m nothing but a fat guy ranting in front of

a camera. Only with your support do I become something more

than that.

For that, I thank you all.

Eh, who am I kidding, you fuckers are nothing without me!

NOTHING! I am spectacularly awesome in every conceivable

respect and you’re lucky I bother to feign humbleness for even a

second! Ha!

Evil Always Triumphs Over Good

The Saturday morning cartoons of my childhood had only one

recurring truisms that I remember: “Good always triumphs over

evil.” Even as a kid I was skeptical of that pronouncement. If a

villain murders 200 people and then the hero catches and kills

him, then isn’t the score 200 to 1 in the villains favor? This notion

of good emerging victorious isn’t supported by the numbers. Even

if the bad guy only killed one person and you kill him for it, good

and evil are tied with a score of 1 to 1.

And this is all assuming that it’s really good to kill a villain.

If he’s evil for killing, then why isn’t the hero evil for killing?

Surely a sentient being is no less sentient and human simply

because he has killed others.

Another assumption that I’m uncomfortable with is that

everyone who kills people is evil. Was Che Guevara an evil man?

I don’t agree with his politics or his methods, but I’m not

prepared to call him evil because of them.

If there are such things as good and evil than I would say

that whatever brings humanity closer to a lasting peace and

freedom is good and whatever brings humanity farther from that

is evil. Does this make the instruments of these opposing

ideologies in and of themselves good or evil? Can any human

being be so lacking in complexity that we can stamp them with

the good or evil stamp and say, “this is what you are?” No. Only

those of foolishly overbearing self-righteousness—the wearers of

obscenely shiny good-guy badges would declare a man evil. To

believe yourself to be good or evil would require a level of self-