Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
spaceship had crashed onto the moon and we had
to beat the soviets to it. The scenes explaining this
are run through so fast that you feel like the movie
is being edited by a meth-freak with an attention
span measured in micro-seconds. It felt as if
Michael Bay were resentful that he had to actually
tell a story and wanted to get through it as quickly
as possible so that he could get to the movie he
really wanted to make: tight shots on Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley’s ass/tits and gratuitous
amounts of often nonsensical explosions.
Why do I say it was “as if” Michael Bay resents
story? He does. He simply hates narrative structure
and character development. Michael Bay doesn’t
just breeze through story elements, he blasts
through them as quickly as he can like an ADHD
child unwrapping Christmas Presents. He shows
utter contempt for storytelling as an art form. He
views plot, story and character as things that exist
to taint his otherwise perfect universe of PG-13
sensuality and wanton violence.
Shia Labitch returns as the repugnant
crybaby “hero” of our story, Sam Witwicky. I’m all
for complaining, ladies and gentlemen, but this
asshole complains about everything, even though
his life is amazing. In the first film, he’s a white
teenager from an upper middle-class family and he
whines about his dad being a cheapskate. Fine. He’s
an adolescent.
In the second film, he’s a young adult who’s
dating Megan Fox, owns a sexy Camero that turns
into a giant robot who will do anything to protect
him and his parents are footing the bill for him to
attend an Ivy League school where even more girls
inexplicable want to sleep with him. Sounds pretty
sweet, right? Well, he still manages to bitch about
it.
In this newest film he has a brand new
girlfriend of implausible hotness who has a
gorgeous house, a cushy job and supports him both
emotionally and financially. AND HE’S STILL A
WHINEY FUCKING BITCH! Why? Because he feels
that his life isn’t meaningful enough. You saved the
world twice you fucking asshole! How much more
significant do you need your life to be?
Sam literally spends the first 40-60 minutes of
the movie complaining about how no one
recognizes how awesome he is and boasting to
everyone he meets about how he saved the world
twice and got a medal from the President. This is
what passes for heroism in the 21st century folks:
fuck selflessness, fuck humility, fucks reluctance,
fuck struggle—it’s all about the bragging rights. I
saved the world, man, isn’t that cool? It’s akin to
Superman
wishing
for Brainiac to come along
and kill some people so that he can save the day and
Metropolis can see how cool he is for the 700th time.
Sam’s girlfriend, Carly, as played by Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley, is hardly even worth
mentioning. She has the personality of a box of
Nilla Wafers. Sugary and boring. She exists mainly
as one of Michael Bay’s props. He might as well
have stapled a pair of tits and an ass onto a mop for
all the liveliness she injects into the role.
I also regret to inform you that Kevin Dunn
and Julie White are back as Sam’s unwatchably
grating parents. I guess they’re supposed to be
comedy relief, but they only serve to cement your
despair—it's like being forced to see Jay Leno
monologues in between having your teeth pulled.
It’s not a relief, comedic or otherwise. It’s insult to
injury.
The
Transformers
themselves
are
interchangeable masses of metal. As far as I can tell,
the principle difference between the autobots and
the decepticons is that the decipticons tend to have
sharp teeth and be more drably colored. I guess
there’s a philosophical difference between the two
of them as well? One is generically good and the
other is generically evil. It’s never explained beyond
that. Freedom and tyranny are tossed around as
concepts, but neither is explored in the slightest.
The plot really doesn’t matter much, but it
boils down this: there are these things called pillars
that look like big metal dildos and they’re capable
of opening a huge portal. The decepticons have
them, but they can only be used by Sentinel Prime,
who was the former leader of the autobots. He
disappeared shortly before the end of the original
war between the autobots and the decepticons and
it was his ship, carrying the pillars, that crashed
into the moon back in the 60’s.
Here’s where it gets dumb (even dumber, I
mean). Sentinel Prime betrays the autobots. It
turns out that before the destruction of cybertron
(the transformers’ home planet) Sentinel Prime and
Megatron made a deal that Sentinel Prime would
meet Megatron on earth and they would transport
their entire planet to earth’s atmosphere so that
humans could be used as slave labor to repair the