Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
but their mutant powers suck dead dog dick. A girl
with dragonfly wings who spits molten cum? A guy
who can yell … really loud? A guy who can fire a
laser . . . out of his chest? Meanwhile, the black guy
who actually has the cool power of rapid
evolutionary adaptations is killed unceremoniously
in about two minutes.
The philosophical difference between Charles
and Erick is supposedly the focal point of the film—
but Charles makes no good case for his point of view.
Erick’s point of view is continuously vindicated by
circumstance, whereas nothing in the film’s
dialogue, events or subtext gives any support to
Charles’ view whatsoever. So, remind me again why
we’re rooting for this guy? Why is he the protagonist?
And while I'm on the subject of things in
movies that piss me off, I'd like to devote at least one
paragraph to a disgusting phenomenon I've noticed
cropping up all over the place in recent movies. I call
it the “APPROVE OF ME, DADDY!” phenomenon.
You know that scene in movies (and books) where
the father/father-figure says, “I’m proud of you” for
the first time and it’s supposed to be this big
emotionally powerful moment of release, where the
protagonist has finally pleased his stodgy old
father/father-figure? Am I the only one who finds
such scenes pathetic? I understand why it appeals to
people—but instead of fulfilling people’s desires to
please paternal authority figures, why don’t we
instead teach them to be satisfied with their own
accomplishments, even if they don’t ultimately get
that validation?
Not all complaints against modern movies are
valid, however. For instance, on the blogging site
Tumblr, a faction of politically correct (and in no
other way correct) people began to light their virtual
torches and brand their virtual pitchforks because
the Pixar film, 'Brave,' set in 10th century Scotland,
didn't feature any African American characters. I
wrote this refutation at the time:
So, apparently, there are some black people
complaining about the lack of black people in
Pixar’s new movie Brave. So, here is what I’d like
those black people to do. I’d like them to go to
Google Image Search and type in Pixar Meeting or
Pixar Team. Look at all the pictures. Who do you
see? White people. Sure, there’s the occasional
Asian or Hispanic. But, mostly, it’s white people.
Do you know why white people make movies
about white people? Probably for the same reason
black people make movies about black people.
Black Directors like Spike Lee and Tyler Perry
make movies about black people, not out of racism,
but because that’s who they are and that reflects
their experience. But somehow when white film-
makers load their movies up with white characters,
we’re assholes? Racists? This is a double standard.
Here’s my suggestion: if you’re a black person
who is furiously angry that black people aren’t
included in Brave, then you go get to college for
years to study animation, get good enough to get
hired by Pixar, work with them and their team,
earn the respect of those around you, then say,
“Hey. I think this character should be black.” And
lay out a compelling case for why.
Is that too hard? Well, it wasn’t too hard for
all those white people who work at Pixar now. They
did the work. They control the art.
If you don’t like it, then don’t go see it. You
want to change it? Then change it by creating
something of your own or working to change the
current system from within.
But, If all you’re willing to do about your
convictions is moan like babies, then fuck you. I
don’t care and I don’t see any compelling reason
why anyone else should care either.
Does racism still exist in America? Sure. Do
white people like me have advantages? Yes. And
you know what? We’re not gonna give them up.
We’re NEVER going to give you a fair deal. And it’s
not out of malice. It’s not out of racism. It’s simply
because we’ll never see the problems in the system
the way you do. There’s no urgency to us, because
we’re inherently selfish. If the problem doesn’t
effect us, then we don’t even see a problem.
So, If you want to fix the problems in this
country that affect you, looking to us to fix them is
a waste of time. You’ve got to fix them yourselves.
And the way you do that is not by whining on
Tumblr. It’s by dedicating yourself to your dreams
and following them relentlessly until you’ve made
the world a better place.
That’s actually the only thing that anyone—
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
whatever—can do. And if you think you can subvert
that, you’re delusional. I know the path is harder
for you than it is for me, but the path doesn’t get any
easier. I’m sorry that being black is often like living
life in Hard Mode. I’ll never understand your
struggles or what you go through, and I’m not even
going to bullshit you about it.
But I know one thing: no amount of you