The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (18 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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clear commitment is dangerous for the life of the couple. It is like embarking on a major expedition without a reliable map, or navigating a ship without a functioning rudder: There is no direction that can be counted on to get you where you want to go, and there is no clear map of how to get there.
Often a couple may be using an old map that needs to be updated to get them where they want to go in a more efficient manner. Usually, however, people are not even aware that they need a new map for their relationship, or that they should consult it regularly. They believe they can get there without stopping to check on the directions. (As we all know, men in particular tend not to want to ask for directions!) What we have found from working with couples, as well as in our own relationship, is that we all constantly need to reaffirm the "direction" of our commitment to couple in order to stay on track and sustain its power. The necessity of doing so may not be obvious, and the guidelines for accomplishing it may not be readily available in waking life, however. This is where dreams can be helpful in pointing out where commitment is missing in our relationships, and providing clues about how to generate it through our visions and couple proclamations.
Commitment is the topic that you need to handle in your first couple proclamation. Our romantic illusions tell us that we shouldn't have to do this, that once we fall in love, we will live happily ever after. We may think that there's something wrong with our relationship if we need to keep re-creating and restating our commitment to it. Actually, the opposite is the case: Taking the time to give your relationship the attention required to sustain and empower it reflects the strength of your commitment.
Establishing a firm base of commitment through a couple proclamation involves acknowledging or "giving birth to" the
 
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two individuals as a distinct couple in and of itself (the "baby" we spoke of earlier), dedicated to a joint, ongoing co-creative process. Sometimes one or both partners may be unsure about the nature of their commitment to the relationship. A couple can handle this uncertainty as long as they are willing to work for a certain period of time on what kind of future they might be able to create. This process usually requires at least a three-month time period. We discovered this aspect of co-creating a relationship while working out the commitment to our own couple several years ago.
We met and worked in the same city but soon faced the likelihood of being separated by new job opportunities. Phyllis describes it this way: "Peter was offered a job in Virginia, which he chose to take, and he asked me to come with him. I felt I could do so only if I also got a job there that I liked. I found one, but I had mixed feelings about leaving the place where I was living then. I also had doubts about the stability of the relationship and where it was going. While I was making my decision, Peter and I had several discussions. Looking back, we now realize that we came upon a co-creative solution: Neither of us had to be a hundred percent sure that we were going to get married at that point; instead, we committed that we were serious about our relationship and that we would make a definite decision within the year."
Peter adds, "In fact, the co-creative solution was to commit in good faith to the act of deciding, rather than to make a particular decision. (If we had been doing this now, we would have proclaimed a vision like "we work things out together.") This commitment allowed us to move together without a sense of one person making a sacrifice for another. Instead, this was something we were doing together to find out more about our couple. And, of course, it worked! Less than a year
 
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later, we decided to get married and publicly proclaim our commitment."
Using dreams, both waking ones and night dreams, can be useful in providing the support and creative vision needed for discovering new models for a relationship. In your dreams and fantasies, you can explore uncharted territory and feelings and try out anything you want without repercussions. In sharing those dreams, listen to them for possibilities of what you can commit to in your couple now, rather than focusing on what's wrong with the past. This is especially important in dealing with the sensitive issue of commitment, which often brings up a great deal of anxiety in a relationship.
Fears
Whenever one tries something new and exciting in a relationship, it is inevitableand perfectly naturalfor fear to lurk in the background. The following examples illustrate how to handle some specific fears through dreams and couple visions.
Fear of being vulnerable: Often what comes up when seriously committing to a relationship is a fear of closeness and intimacy. What if this person hurts me or leaves me? This fear sets up barriers to creating couple. It is difficult to bring up such feelings, and sometimes they operate in the background, out of consciousness, slowly eroding away at the strength of the couple's commitment. One way to become aware of the fear of being vulnerable is to look for clues in your dreams. One woman, Marianne, who was frustrated with the progress of a new romance, had the following dream, which led to a dramatic breakthrough in creating a commitment that eventually manifested in a strong, intimate marriage.
 
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The Glass Bubble
I see Rob and go to greet him, but just before I reach him I run into a barrier. He is inside a big glass bubble. He seems to take it for granted. I pick up a rock, intending to throw it against the bubble and shatter the glass. Rob panics and signals that I must not do this. Now we are both extremely upset and frightened.
Marianne commented about the dream and the impact it had on her and the relationship:
Rob was an old friend, but our romantic relationship was relatively new. I had asked for a dream to help me understand why he seemed to want contact yet made himself so unapproachable. This dream followed and helped me see that he might not be conscious of the barriers he put between usand that I was just as afraid of breaking them down and becoming vulnerable as he was. I told him about the dream, and this dream sharing marked the beginning of genuine trust and intimacy in our relationship.
If Marianne and Rob had known then about making couple proclamations, they could have followed up this conversation with the creation of a vision, such as "We are intimate partners in life," "We are vulnerable with each other," or "We trust our couple." They could then use the proclamations to support the insights from their dreams, just as their dreams were helping them to create new visions for their waking life that they could commit to as a couple.
Fear of becoming dependent: Another concern that often arises in committing to a relationship is the fear of losing your
 
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personal freedom or independence. You may not yet realize that being in a couple can actually support your individuality and personal expression. Commitment may look like a threat rather than a support. Defining a relationship means taking the time and effort to make specific agreements about its nature and boundaries. It means being clear about what you need and want, or don't want, from each other. Let your couple empower your identity rather than overwhelm it. Ask not only what you can do for your couple, but what your couple can do for you. (Apologies to JFK . . .)
This is not easy to do, and it is tempting to just fall into traditional patterns that may not work for either of you. You don't need to follow tradition to find answers, however. You can follow your dreams. That is what Karen did in clarifying what kind of relationship she wanted to create with her fiance. Though he appears as an unidentified man in a traditional business suit in the dream, some very nontraditional messages appear.
The Wedding Ring
I'm walking along the street with a man wearing a business suit. Suddenly the man goes into a jewelry store and buys a wedding ring. I get mad and think,
I don't want a wedding ring. He didn't even ask me about a wedding ring. The nerve of him
! When he comes out, I tell him this, and he says, "I'm not buying it for you. I'm buying it for me. I want to wear a wedding ring. If you want one, you can buy one." I think,
Greatthat's exactly the kind of person I like
!
As in "The Glass Bubble," the couple could share their feelings about the dream and reinforce their commitment. They might create a proclamation such as "We are two separate individuals who empower each other" or "We are a powerful, inde-

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