The Ear of the Heart: An Actress' Journey From Hollywood to Holy Vows (31 page)

In his Rule, Saint Benedict cautions against granting newcomers to monastic life an easy entry. A pilgrim must knock on the door three times to be recognized.

When I got back to my room I began packing. I felt the decision had been made for me. God had not spoken. Reverend Mother had not invited me in. I was going home to pick up my life, and I was very relieved to have the whole thing off my back
.

That evening I went to supper in the refectory. Mother Placid was serving. She smiled and said, “Well, Dolores, you won’t be able to chew gum when you come in.” I hadn’t realized I was chewing gum. We both laughed
.

“
But I’m not entering”, I told her
.

“
Oh,” she said surprised, “Reverend Mother said you were. She said it was clear that you had a monastic calling because you were fighting so hard. I’ll let her know she was mistaken
.”

She turned to leave, and I suddenly stopped her, “No, don’t
.”

That was it. My answer didn’t come in a lightning bolt. I simply knew at that moment what Reverend Mother was trying to tell me when she insisted that I say what I wanted to do. If I was honest about my answer, I would give God a point of departure He could work with. This is the exact opposite of the way many people think the spiritual life proceeds
.

Back in Los Angeles, when her photos were developed, the one she had taken after wrestling with her decision, the one of the hill and its snow-laden trees that she turned around to shoot as she was leaving, was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a photo of only her own footprints in the snow.

Eighteen

When Don met Dolores at LAX, he was in good spirits. Nothing in Dolores’ letters from the monastery indicated he would not have a fiancée when she returned.

When he saw her, however, his mood changed. “She looked like a refugee, pale and drawn, no makeup, and her hair wasn’t even fixed. We stopped at a steak house near the airport. It was packed, and we were seated smack in the middle of the room.”

Dolores hadn’t planned on telling Don her decision that evening, and she tried to keep up a conversation that, before long, gave way to silence. Don remembered, “I began thinking, ‘Where are we heading?’ I finally asked point-blank if she was entering the monastery.”

Don’s perception was so strong that I knew I couldn’t put it off. I told him I was
.

“I just fell apart,” Don said, “right in the middle of the packed room.”

We resolved that we had to see Monsignor Devlin right away. Monsignor was the pastor of our parish who was to officiate at the wedding. He couldn’t understand why, after four months of our engagement, I would suddenly change my mind. He almost hit the floor when I told him that I planned to enter monastic life. He obviously didn’t believe me
.

“
There is an aura off lightiness about Hollywood”, he warned and, citing the movie actress June Haver, moved in for the kill. “Catholic actresses are prone to do things like this for publicity
.”

I didn’t know June Haver then but was aware that, in 1952, she had walked out on her movie contract and entered a convent, only to leave a few months later. I held my tongue and merely assured him I wasn’t looking for publicity, but he went on
.

“
So you think you want to be a contemplative. You know what contemplative life is all about
?”

“
I think so”, I answered. “I’ve been there a number of times
.”

“
You know they work with their hands? They garden. Do you garden
?”

“
No
.”

“
They cook. Do you cook? They sew. Do you sew
?”

“
No
.”

“
They have a life that is quiet, austere. They live in silence. They don’t talk on the phone. They don’t travel. They do without modern conveniences.” He gave an exasperated sigh and turned to Don. “Not only do I not recommend this girl to the contemplative life; I don’t know why you want to marry her
.”

“
Dolores,” he said sternly, “you must think this over for a long, long time. It’s too big a step right now. I think you should see the archbishop as soon as possible. It’s more than I can handle
.”

When we left Monsignor Devlin, I told Don I was not going to see the archbishop. I couldn’t go through that again
.

“It tore me apart at the time,” Don said, “but, even then, deep down, I could see the other side. Having the background of religious vocations in my life, with friends who had entered the Jesuit Order, who had struggled with their vocations, I think I could understand. I felt that if I loved Dolores, I had to show her my support, whatever she was going to do.”

I think that if Don had not been so blessed—I really mean that because he was given a great grace to stand behind me—my decision would have been even more devastating
.

“The next weeks were a difficult time for both of us”, Don remembered. “We went through the motions. We talked on the phone but did not see each other much. She got on with her life. I got on with mine.”

Mom was disappointed when I told her the engagement was off, though underneath I think she was relieved. I decided not to tell her about my decision to enter religious life at that time. I wasn’t sure what she might do, and I just couldn’t face whatever that might be. I was also afraid that she would call Granny. No way did I want to fight both of them. Mom might start drinking and getting ugly about it, but Granny would fling her body between me and the monastery gate. I knew I would have to face that situation eventually, but as the days passed I kept putting it off
.

Don told his mother the whole story, and she was very shaken. She had known when we had the appointment with Monsignor Devlin that something was wrong, but the reality shocked her. I think it affected her more than anybody. She scalded me with her anger
.

The only friends Dolores told immediately about ending the engagement were the ones involved in the wedding: her bridesmaids Sheila Hart McGuire, Jan Shepard and the Malden girls, Mila and Carla—and she wasn’t completely honest with them. She couldn’t risk even a hint about Regina Laudis because Reverend Mother Benedict had made secrecy a condition of her acceptance.

Frank Liberman set up only one interview—with Louella Parsons—to get the word out about the end of the engagement. The official story was that Dolores believed marriage should be a total commitment, and when she realized that she wasn’t ready to make that complete a commitment, she felt the only fair thing to both Don and herself was to call off the engagement.

The first order of business was filling out the Regina Laudis application form—yes, an application form very much like the ones I filled out for employment when I was a teenager
.

—
Except Ralph’s Market hadn’t asked me for my baptism and confirmation certificates
.

All the things that might be problematic in beginning monastic life are actually covered in the application, but they don’t appear as dire warnings. It doesn’t say: Are you aware that you will have to work under absolute supervision without questioning or that you will not be able to speak to your coworkers? Rather, it quietly asks if you have been able to do certain things
.

The five-page form included inquiries into her family background, health history, education and past employment, with emphasis on her work ethic:

Do you find it easy, moderately easy, hard, moderately hard to take orders, suggestions, contradictions, criticism and complaints from coworkers?

   
Moderately easy and moderately hard, depending upon circumstances
.

   
Do you find it easy, moderately easy, hard, moderately hard to take orders, suggestions, contradictions, corrections, criticism and complaints from your employer?

   
Moderately easy and moderately hard. In my work my employer’s suggestions and criticisms were often contrary to my temperament, and occasionally my convictions had to stand the test of a clash. I therefore had to become overly independent in my thinking
.

   
How do you find taking orders, suggestions, contradictions, corrections, criticism and complaints from your subordinates?

   
Easy to take suggestions. Hard to take orders. I find it extremely difficult to take any complaint or criticism from someone whom I have tried to please, and I find my pride stands in my way when I know I am right
.

—You can’t say they weren’t forewarned.

I just wanted to present as honest a picture as I could. I felt deeply that they had every right to know the truth before accepting someone into their house. I insisted that they be aware that I had adapted myself from childhood in the art of disguising true feelings as a protective barrier and feared that this instinct probably couldn’t be erased spontaneously. So, I suppose it was a warning. But it was also a plea: Don’t wait until I’m inside with no defenses and then decide you don’t want what you’re getting
.

Dolores’ answers also revealed that she was nearsighted, had no notable debts and could provide the dowry required then by Canon Law as well as her trousseau. Dowries are no longer required at Regina Laudis, but at the time Dolores entered the usual amount was roughly $2,000, which was calculated as the legitimate need for any one person. Dolores would turn over $20,000 as her dowry.

One question sought to determine if she wished to enter as a choir sister aspirant or an oblate sister aspirant. The distinction was an ancient one and firmly based in the European class system. The choir sister came with a background of wealth, and her sizable dowry supported the monastery and added to her family’s prestige. She was also usually educated and could therefore read the books necessary to sing the Offices. Historically, the oblate sister was usually an older woman from a poor or peasant background that automatically excluded her from certain activities. The oblates were not obliged to sing or even to attend every Office and performed mostly manual labor. They were the only ones allowed to go in and out of the enclosure, to do errands and to serve guests.

—
This system continued for a long time until it reached the point of perversion. Choir nuns could sit around all day having tea and doing petit point while the others did all the hard work
.

Regina Laudis never observed the distinction between choir and oblate sisters in its full demeaning implication. Still, since the oblate sister did not participate in chapter meetings, at which important decisions regarding the life of the Community were made, the feeling of “second class” remained. Thus, from the late 1960s, there has been but one class of nun with two “accents” of call. These accents are known as “enclosed” and “
missae
”, which comes from the Latin word meaning “sent”. Within the present understanding, the missae are women who have a gift for being the Community’s interface with the world and thus are “missioned”.

At the time Dolores entered, the age of the applicant determined her position. Being under the age of thirty meant she would be a choir nun.

In addition to my age, another reason Reverend Mother Benedict decided that I would be a choir nun was because, as such, I could not even casually come in contact with the media. I responded to the questionnaire that I had a strong, but not loud, singing voice—second soprano—and that my background in Latin was limited to one high school course. But I promised that I would apply myself to the study of Latin during my novitiate
.

On the surface, her life in Hollywood appeared to be status quo, close to what it might have been if she didn’t have that decision hanging over her. She continued to fulfill every commitment she had made with the studios and, at the same time, immersed herself in the exhausting details of closing her life in California. Her lawyer, Sidney Williams, who was to have walked her down the aisle at her wedding, organized legal matters, including her dowry to Regina Laudis and a trust for Harriett. He also orchestrated the termination of her lease, while Dolores disposed of the apartment’s contents.