The Edge of Juniper (6 page)

“I’m not scared.  And you’re still asking questions.”

“Nobody is anywhere near us right now to see that we’re talking.”

“This is a small town.  I’ve heard all about small towns.  Probably someone is watching us through binoculars out their kitchen window.”

“The more words you say, the more I want to keep talking to you, Fay.”

“You like my words?”

“I like your words.”

I took a deep breath.  “Well then I better shut up.”

I walked faster, and he didn’t match my pace.  As he fell behind, he called after me, “I hope to talk to you again soon, Fay.”

I didn’t respond to him, because I didn’t want to acknowledge the place inside me that hoped for the same thing.

“Fay, wake up.” Celia shook my shoulder.

I groaned.  “You have to stop doing this, Celia.  I can’t function without my sleep.”

“This is important.”  She switched on the small lamp by my bed.

I sat up and propped my pillow against the headboard, then I scooted over and made room for her to slide in.  After she did, I pulled the sheet up over us and rested my head on her shoulder. “Okay, I’m in my listening position.”  I stifled a yawn.  “How was your night with Ronan?”

“It was fine, but listen.  I think I’m ready to do it.”

I slowly moved my head up to look at her.  “What?”

“Sex.  I want to do it.  With Ronan.”

“I knew what you meant. I guess I meant to say
why
?”

Celia laughed.  “The same reasons anybody else does it.  We’ve been together three months.”

Though I tried to hold my expression together, skepticism was no doubt leaking out all over. This was not computing.  “You want to have sex with him because you’ve met a three month deadline?”

“No.”  She laughed again.  “Those were two independent thoughts.  I want to have sex for the same reasons everybody does.  You know; biology, hormones, love.  And also, we’ve been together three months, which is a long time.”

“You love him?”

“Of course I love him.”

“Hmm.”  Knowing Celia was fond of big reactions, and likely to do something because someone said the wrong thing and set her off, I treaded carefully.  “Three months isn’t that long.”

“It is for Ronan.  It’s his longest relationship ever.  And he’s so sweet with me.  Anyway, I’m not telling you this so you’ll talk me out of it.”

I fiddled with the ends of my hair, trying not to blurt out my unfavorable opinions of Celia’s boyfriend.  I was not anti-sex.  In fact, I was pretty curious about it, and intrigued by her thought process.  But something about her decision-making didn’t seem authentic.

“I can guess your thoughts just by the look on your face,” Celia said.  “Don’t even bother giving me your opinion.  What I need from you is help getting some condoms.”

“Why do you need help with that?  You just walk in the store, grab them, pay, and have the sex.”

“It’s the paying part that’s the problem.  There are three stores in town where I could get them, and everybody that works in those stores knows my parents.”

I hadn’t even considered that.  Anonymity was easy to come by in Perry.  Freya and I had bought condoms once.  Neither of us was planning to have sex, we were just curious about them.  We bought a three pack and practiced opening the packages with our teeth, something Freya had read about in a book.  Then we rolled them down a zucchini from the garden.  We were out of bananas, which our health teacher had used in class freshman year, but Mom had a bumper crop of zucchini that summer.

I shook my head at Celia.  “The cashiers would know me, too.  Everyone has seen us together.”

“That’s why you can’t buy them here either.  What I need is someone to drive me to Bakerstown.”

Since I only had my learner’s permit, and no car, I still didn’t know how I was supposed to help with this situation.  “Ronan has a truck.  Why don’t you just ask him to drive you?”

“I want to surprise him.”

“You want to surprise him with sex?  How does that work?”

“I don’t know exactly how I’ll do it.  There have been times when we’ve been close to doing it, like it could go either way, but I’ve always backed off and we just do what we always do.  I could pull it out of my pocket then, and he’d know I was ready.”

“Celia.”

“What?  It’s a good idea.  I know he’ll like it.”

“Not to sound like a mom, but are you sure you’re making this decision for you, and not for Ronan?  This is the kind of thing a couple should talk about.  At length.”

“Not everyone is as practical as you, Fay.”

“I am
not
practical.  What I am, is offended that you think I’m practical.”

“Okay, you’re not practical.  But I want to be spontaneous and surprising and spur-of-the-moment.”

I smiled.  “So let’s plan a complicated, secret trip to Bakerstown so you can pretend to be spontaneous.”

She giggled.  “I knew you’d understand.”

“Ronan probably already has a billion condoms anyway,” I said, realizing as I said it that it was a practical thing to say.

“I know, but I want to do this.  I think it will really make him happy.”

“The only person I know who could drive us there is Malcolm.”  I grinned.

She shook her head.  “You never stop.”

“His truck is so big.  Think how many condoms you could haul in the back.  We could get a whole pallet!  That would really surprise Ronan.”

“Be serious.  We have to figure out something.  Just promise me you’ll help me think of a way.”

In order to get any sleep, I had to agree to help her.  Besides, talking Celia out of doing something was like talking a fish out of swimming.

5

S
prawled out on
the quilt on my bed, I tried to think what I should write to my parents.  So many things had happened, and I didn’t know which things should be kept secret.  Generally, I told my parents everything.  But I was realizing not much had ever happened to me, nothing worth keeping secret, anyway.

I could tell them I was developing a powerful crush on a boy. They’d been waiting to hear about that for years, asking me all the time about the boys I hung out with, but I’d never really felt that belly-flipping feeling until now.  It had always been, “Yeah, that guy is cute.”  This was more like, “That guy is cute, and I want to find out what else he is.”  But I knew they’d ask a million questions about him and I’d have to say I wasn’t supposed to see him, and they’d ask why and I couldn’t tell them that.  I didn’t want them worrying about anything but themselves.  I tapped the pen against the paper, deciding I could tell them about my job.  I was a paragraph into a humorous description of Heidi and her pink restaurant when I was interrupted.

“Celia, get on out here and help your mother,” Uncle Todd said from the doorway, clearly not joking around.

“Let’s go do whatever it is,” I said after he left, quickly jumping up.

“He only said me, not you.  You don’t have to.”

“There’s no way I’m sitting here while you go help.”  My uncle had been grouchy and irritable all morning.

We found Aunt Donna in the kitchen putting away groceries, while Uncle Todd sat at the table reading the newspaper.  Abe walked in carrying another load of bags.  I decided to help him, because I wasn’t sure where everything went in their kitchen.

I returned with an armful and set them on the counter.

“Shut the door behind you.  You’re letting the bugs in,” Uncle Todd said, not looking up from his paper.  I set the bags down and shut the door.

Abe came in again, opening the door right back up, and carrying a huge load of bags. Likely knowing his dad’s door policy, he stuck his elbow out to push the door shut behind him before setting the bags down.  I watched, frozen in horror, as the bag on top tilted and slid right off the other bags and landed with a crash on the floor.  At my house we’d have laughed about it.  The instinct to do so was right on the surface, but I knew this wasn’t my house.

“Damn it, Abraham!”  Todd stood up, rage turning his face red and crumpled.  He looked around the room, at Donna rushing to help Abe pick things up, at Celia with her hand over her mouth, and then at me.

I have no idea what my face looked like, but he lowered his voice.  “If anything in there is ruined, you are paying for it from your allowance.” Todd sat back down and picked up his paper again.

“The eggs were in this bag!”  Abe whispered to his mom, fear written across his features.

“Lucky for you, eggs were on sale for a dollar seventy-nine.”  She smiled at him and pulled the sticky, gooey carton from the bag on the floor.  “The bread looks okay though, not too squished to eat.”

Celia grabbed a roll of paper towels from a bag and opened them, then bent down to help Abe clean up.

“He made the mess, he’ll clean it up on his own,” Todd was watching her over a folded down corner of his paper.  “Get it done, Abe, and then go to your room.”  He snapped his paper straight again.  The room hummed with tension.

Celia backed away from Abe.  Donna stood and touched her on the arm.  They both returned to putting groceries away, letting it go and leaving Abe to clean up his mess.

I wasn’t as good at letting things like that go.  I had to leave the room in order not to say what I was thinking.  I grabbed the cordless phone, and went to the front porch.  I sunk into the rocking chair and dialed Freya’s cell number.  Voice mail.  “Hey, call me.”  I knew I didn’t need to say any more for her to know I was struggling.  I needed to tell someone I was trying as hard as I could, but that I felt like an outsider, and things were confusing here, and I was a little homesick.  I couldn’t talk to Celia about it, and I knew Freya would understand.  I wished I could call my parents.

I tried Finn’s number next.  Voice mail too.  They must be somewhere together with their parents.  Their parents were always declaring bans on cell phones.  No phones at restaurants, no phones when guests are over, no phones after ten.  I left a goofy message for Finn, asking him when the pizza I ordered would be delivered.

I leaned my head back against the wooden slats of the chair, closed my eyes, and focused on the sound of the tree leaves rustling in the breeze. They said
shh, shh,
hushing me.  It was a windy day, and cooler than yesterday.  Maybe it would rain later.

I wasn’t scared of my uncle; I was just wondering why this summer seemed so different from the others, so tense.  Uncle Todd was drinking more than I’d ever seen him drink in the past.  I didn’t know if that was new, or if I just hadn’t been paying attention.

Aunt Donna had lost her job since I’d last been here, that was definitely new.  She’d been a cashier in a little grocery store down the street from Heidi’s, but it went out of business, and those jobs were few and far between in Juniper.  They couldn’t afford a car for her to get to Bakerstown to work.  The loss of her income made them anxious, I figured.

My second night here, Donna told Todd she wanted to order pizza for dinner.  He said no, she got upset, and that lead to them closing their bedroom door to snipe at each other while Celia and I took Abe to the back yard to escape the tension.  I didn’t understand what the problem was, because my parents had given them some money to buy food and cover my expenses while I was here.  It was more than enough to treat everyone to pizza, several times over.  I didn’t know what they planned to do with that money, if they weren’t going to use it for food.  We’d ended up having bean soup and cornbread for dinner.

Aunt Donna came out to the porch then.  “Fay, come in the house.”  I walked in and joined Celia on the couch. “Girls, go change into something a little nicer and get your shoes on.  We’re going to Bakerstown for the afternoon.”

“Why?” Celia asked.  “I’d rather just stay home.”

I nudged her with my elbow.  Was she crazy?  She was looking for a ride to town, and here was her chance.  Surely there’d be a way to lose her mom for a few minutes to buy the condoms.

“Your daddy wants the house to himself for a little while, and frankly, a little peace and quiet will do him good.  You tell Abe to comb his hair and get his shoes on.”

“We’d love to come with you, Aunt Donna.  Come on, Celia. Let’s go grab some spending money.”

As we passed by Abe’s door, Celia pounded it once with her palm.  “Yo, Abe, we have to vacate the premises.  Get your shoes on.”

He opened the door, a look of confusion on his face.  I didn’t blame him.  He’d been told to help with the groceries, then told to clean up his mess, then told to go to his room, then told to get ready to go to town.  That’s the life of a kid, I guess.  You spend a lot of time being where people tell you to be.

The next day, Uncle Todd was at work and it was as though we could all catch our breath, now that his mood wasn’t holding us hostage.  “Ronan and I are heading out now.” Celia shot me a meaningful look.  She and I had accomplished our mission the previous afternoon.  Celia, chicken that she was, wouldn’t come down the prophylactic aisle with me.  She claimed it was because someone she knows might have seen her and told her mother.  She warned me to be quick, because the same was likely also true if anyone we knew saw me buying them.  I wasn’t worried about it, but I told her I would be covert.

Celia decided her job was to distract her mom and Abe. She asked them to help pick out a new shirt to give Uncle Todd for Father’s Day, which was coming up.  I told them I was going to browse, and then walked directly to the health and pharmacy section.  I first stopped in the aisle next to the condom aisle and smelled a few shampoos, so I wouldn’t draw attention, then I slipped into the condom aisle.  I grabbed the first pack I saw, paid for them with money Celia gave me, and tucked them in my purse.  Being sneaky had been rather exhilarating.

I had hoped that once Celia had her hands on the condoms, reality would shake her out of her enthusiasm. But she had the condoms now, and she was still chomping at the bit to execute her surprise.  I didn’t mean to tell her what to do with her life, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ronan was not good for her.  I pulled her away from Ronan, and into the hallway.  “Celia, are you sure about this?”

She wrenched her hand out of mine.  “I’m sure, Fay.  Quit asking me that.  It’s not the big deal to everybody that it is to you.”  I understood that, but it was written all over her nervous face and shaky hands how big of a deal it was to her.

I wanted to give her an out, an excuse in case she was just waiting for one she could latch onto.  “I thought we were going to hang out this afternoon.”  At lunch, she had mentioned watching a movie.  I tried not to mind that our plans had gone out the window as soon as Ronan called.

“We have all summer to hang out.  Ronan practically never gets an afternoon off, but today his division got the time because some of the machinery was broken.  Give me this one.”

“This is just like when we were little and I wanted to play Scrabble and you kept telling me we had plenty of time and we’d get around to it.  I think we only got around to it once.”

“I have you for longer than a few days this time.  We have plenty of time to play Scrabble and anything else you want to do.  Let me go play with Ronan this afternoon,” Celia said, and winked at me.  She wasn’t a natural winker, and the awkward scrunching of her face made me laugh.  She grinned and walked back into the living room. “I’m ready Ronan, let’s go.”

After they left, I flopped back onto the couch. Abe came into the room with a bag of chips, and sat down beside me and crunched.  Crumbs drifted down onto the couch.  Though I had just eaten lunch, I held out my hand, and he dropped in a handful of sour cream and onion goodness.

“Abe, your sister keeps ditching me.  I think I’m going to have to come up with my own summer plans.”  More than that, I didn’t really want to be in this house with Donna if I could find an alternative.  Even when Todd was gone, being here reminded me of the ups and downs, and the feeling of walking on eggshells.

“I know what we can do.  Let’s go fishing!  We’ll invite Jeremy too.”

“Isn’t fishing an early morning thing?”

“Sure.  And an afternoon thing and an evening thing too, if you want.”

“You know what?  Let’s do it.”

“Really?”

“Why are you so surprised?  I’ve always wanted to learn to fish.”

He smiled.  “I’m just used to everyone telling me to go away and get out of their hair.  No one except Jeremy has ever said yes to coming fishing with me.”

“Not even your dad?  He loves to fish.”

“He only comes when he suggests it.  When I do, he’s too busy.”

I nodded.  “Let’s pack up the gear.”

“I feel a little bit like a murderer, Abe.” I stared at the mangled worm on my hook.  We were at the public pond, in the center of the town park.

“It’s the circle of life, Fay.  Nothing can be done about it.”

I nodded, and cast my line.  Jeremy reeled in his third catch.  Donna had asked Abe and me to sweep the porch and clean out the fridge before we left, so Jeremy had been at the pond for a while before we arrived, and had two fish already in a wire basket.  “I’m part of the circle of life, but you interrupt it, Abe.”

“What do you mean, Jeremy?” I asked, as I cast my line like Abe showed me.

“Abe throws back everything he catches.  So he kills a worm but gets no food out of the deal.  A worm’s life means nothing to him.”

Abe shrugged.  “I don’t care for worms.”

Jeremy and I both laughed.  “But I’ve seen you eat fish,” I said.

“Yeah.  I eat fish.  Doesn’t mean I have to eat every single fish I catch.  I just like fishing.”

I gripped my rod tighter as I felt a tug on my line.  “I think I already got one!”

Abe and Jeremy both came to stand beside me, to make sure I didn’t panic and drop my pole, I assumed.  Celia wasn’t the only one who thought of me as a city slicker.  But I reeled the fish in, feeling as though the line was miles long, and it was exciting when I saw it pop out from the surface of the water.  I reached out and grabbed the little fish as it swung toward me.  It felt rougher than I thought it would.  The scales almost felt sharp.

Jeremy showed me how to get it off the hook, then handed me my fish.  He held open the basket so I could drop it in.  I looked my fish in the face, noting its earthy smell.  I swallowed, then sighed as I knelt down and released it back into the pond.

Jeremy shook his head at me.  “You’d never survive if you had to catch your own food.”

“You’re probably right, Jeremy.  So when the zombies come, I’ll join your group.”

“If you join our group, you’ll have to contribute somehow,” Abe put in.  “Jeremy and I have already decided that since I’m a good shot with an arrow, and calm under pressure, I’m in charge of killing the zombies.”

I smiled at the thought of Abe knowing he was calm under pressure.  It was true, he was.  “Okay.  It turns out I’m sneaky, so I’ll be in charge of raiding empty houses and stores for supplies.  Jeremy, you can hunt for fresh meat, and I will get the canned fruit so we don’t die of scurvy.”