The End of All Things Beautiful (26 page)

This
is my worst nightmare come true. It’s happening all over again and all I can
think is,
I’m going to lose him too.
After all this time and everything we’ve been through, this can’t be fucking
happening.

But
it is.

I’m
not thinking about anything else other than finding Benji. I have no idea where
he could be or if he’s okay or what I even plan on doing. My only thought is to
find him, so I’ll drive until I do.

The
road is black, the sky dark, and without streetlights, it’s nearly impossible
to see. Right now I hate these fucking country roads. I’m in the goddamn middle
of nowhere; a black abyss of nothingness, like the whole town is covered in
ink.

I’m
not even sure what I’ve set out to do. I left the house in such a frenzy, my
thoughts in a jumbled mess of panic and fear, completely propelled by finding
Benji. My only thought is to drive the route he would’ve have taken from the
shop to the shipping warehouse just over the border. After that I’ve got
nothing.

What
if I come across his truck, destroyed and mangled on the side of the road?
 
I’m certain I’ll fall apart. Up until
this moment I didn’t realize I’m a loose cannon. All it will take is one small
event to push me over the edge, especially since I’ve finally become
comfortable with the thought of having a normal life. Will I always live with
the fear that something horrible is going to happen? That fate will intervene
and ruin things for a second time?

My
car fishtails as I take a turn too fast and I curse out loud at my stupid car
and my inability to drive it in the snow. I slow down despite the fact that my
need to find Benji is coursing through me like fire.

My
eyes are scanning the road as I drive, but coming up with nothing but
emptiness. The roads are deserted and the town is completely shut down. In this
vast wasteland of fields and forests, everything looks the same as I leave town
and find myself surrounded by absolutely nothing.

I
keep looking at the clock, my mind silently pleading to anyone or anything to
stop punishing me. Is this my final punishment for what I did all those years
ago? Find happiness again, believe it will last, and then watch it get ripped
out from under me?

Twenty
minutes have passed and there is still no sign of Benji or his truck. If I was
panicked before, it has now hit epic proportions. My entire body is shaking
under the weight of the stress and I’m pretty sure I’m going to vomit.

I
take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale slowly out through my mouth in
an attempt to control myself and possibly stop myself from losing whatever I
ate today all over my car.

I’m
on my third breath when I see the road dully illuminated about a mile ahead of
me, and suddenly I’m thankful for the obscene dark of these country roads. I
hit the gas petal, causing my car to once again slide along the road, but I
don’t care. The faster I reach the lights ahead the sooner I’ll know if it’s
Benji.

The
closer I get, the more the lights come into focus and I can make out two
distinct sets of headlights. Slowing down as I approach, I recognize Benji’s
truck and in front of it is Alex’s.

Without
thinking about it, I slam my car in park, barely making it off to the shoulder,
but I couldn’t give a shit. I pay attention to nothing as I run across the
road. I can hear Benji calling my name and while it should ease my fears, I
find myself breaking down at just the sound.

By
the time I reach him, I’m sobbing. Deep wailing cries as I throw myself into
his arms, my entire body shaking uncontrollably. I can’t even speak as I wrap
my arms around his neck, holding on so tightly I’m sure he’s struggling to
breathe.

“Campbell,
baby, settle down,” Benji whispers in my ear, but I hardly hear it over my
sobs. His hand is now rubbing circles on my back, trying to soothe me, but
right now, I’m inconsolable.

As
if he realizes this isn’t going to be solved with a few simple words, he stops
talking and just holds me. My feet are burning, cold and soaked as I stand in
the snow with no shoes on. But I don’t care.

Benji’s
okay.

We’re
okay.

A
few minutes pass and my hold on him finally loosens. I’m settling down as I
come to grips with the fact that on the surface everything is alright. But
obviously underneath it all, I’m still a shit ass mess. My rational side
realizes I can’t have this reaction to every minor incident that occurs in our life;
yet moving beyond it is proving far more difficult than I thought.

“I’m
okay,” Benji says, before I can say anything. My face is in his hands and he
kisses my forehead as I nod my head. My hands are gripping his coat as the cold
finally catches up with me and my body begins to shake again.

Benji
slips off his coat, putting it around my shoulders as he kisses me again. His
hands running up and down my arms, warming me as much as he can with the winter
wind blowing relentlessly across the openness of the road.

“I
know you don’t want to hear this,” Benji eventually says, breaking the silence.
“But this kind of thing happens a lot out here. That’s why I called Alex. He’ll
pull my truck out and I’ll be on my way.”

I
hate the casualness to his statement. Like we haven’t watched a car accident
destroy us in the past. To me, this incident could have easily turned ugly.

“It
doesn’t happen to us!” I yell, and out of the corner of my eye I see Alex step
out of his truck.

“This
is why I wanted to tell Alex and Annie,” Benji says, letting out a deep sigh as
he steps back from me slightly. “Campbell, you’re standing in the middle of the
road in your socks in the winter, crying.”

“You
make me sound unstable,” I quip, feeling myself grow angry at his lack of
empathy for my feelings. He’s lived this nightmare right along with me. If
anyone should understand, it’s him.

“I
know you’re not, but imagine how this looks to an outside observer.” Benji
glances over at Alex as he stands waiting patiently for me to get my shit
together. Alex gives us both a sympathetic smile and I feel my face heat up,
reminding me that he’s seen all of this.

Embarrassed
by my behavior and by how totally ridiculous I must look, I quietly apologize
to Benji. “I’m sorry. I overreacted,” I admit, not sure what more I can say. At
this point there’s no sense in defending my behavior.

“You
didn’t really, though,” Benji states. “Given what we’ve been through, this is a
natural reaction to hearing I may have been hurt in a car accident. I’m certain
I would’ve responded the same way.”

Leading
me back across the street to where my car is parked, he opens the door and
waits for me to climb in.

“Go
home,” Benji says firmly, but I can hear a kindness behind it still. “Alex is
going to pull my truck out and when I get home, we’re going to sit down and
explain all of this to them.” And even though his words are definite, I can’t
help but resolve myself to agree with him. He’s right. They need to know what
happened.

“Okay,”
I say, smiling up at him as his perfect blue eyes look down at me. “I love
you.”

“I
love you more than you’ll ever know, Campbell,” he says back, the words echoing
his own all those years ago, yet in this moment, they’re exactly what I need to
hear.

I
make it back home in about thirty minutes, but the ride is slow and I keep
questioning my reaction to Annie telling me Benji’s truck slid off the road. I
can’t live like this, in a perpetual state of paranoia that something horrible
is going to happen to us. It’s unrealistic and eventually it will drive me
crazy.

I
really thought that just getting it all out in the open would allow me to move
on, but clearly there’s more to all of this than I ever realized. Jack was
right. Just because I think it’s over doesn’t mean it just disappears. I have a
lot more to work on.

I’m
still freezing when I walk in the door. I know Annie has left; her car is no
longer in the driveway, so I strip off my clothes, leaving them as I walk
upstairs and into the shower.

The
water is so scalding hot against my freezing cold skin that my body goes numb
almost instantly. My feet and hands are tingling as they finally catch up and
begin to sense the temperature of the water. I adjust the water, but I still
don’t move out from under the stream. I let the hot water fall over my body,
washing away the awfulness of the day as I try to clear my thoughts.

I
spend far longer in the shower than I intend to, but there’s something about
the silence and being alone combined with the hot water that allows me to
relax. I’m wrapped in a towel and when I walk out of the bathroom I find Benji
sitting on the bed waiting for me.

He
looks tired, exhausted actually, but he still gives me a smile and calls me
over to where he’s sitting using just one finger. His shirt is unbuttoned and
untucked, the bottoms of his jeans soaked and he’s already taken off his boots
and socks, but he still looks amazing. There is something about his face, the
disheveledness of his appearance, his dark brown hair and his full beard matched
with his beautiful blue eyes that will always be a comfort to me. There’s home
in his eyes, a love that has been there since we were kids.

Stepping
between his legs, he pulls me closer to him as his hands grip my hips. I can
feel the chill of them through the towel and it makes me shudder. Benji leans
forward and presses his lips to the bare skin of my arm, his mouth resting
there for a long second.

“You
okay?” he finally asks.

“I’m
sorry,” I whisper, looking down at him.

Sometimes
we give the appearance of normality, which is easy to do. I’ve been doing it
for nine years, or at least trying. But each attempt brings failure. Along with
it comes my inability to fully understand my reactions, my feelings and my
response to events or words. Even something as simple as a song on the radio, a
time on a clock, can remind me of everything. This will always be a part of my
life, a part of our lives, and we both need to learn to cope with it in ways
that won’t outwardly affect everyone around us, including each other.

Benji
has always been the more reserved of the two of us, even before the accident,
while I tended to internalize everything and allow the stress to consume me.
But as much as he likes to give off this casual aura, he’s shaken by this
moment too.

“I
don’t want you to be sorry,” he says, taking me onto his lap. “I want you to be
okay. I want us to be okay and I know it’s going to take time, but tonight is
exactly why we need to get everything out. We can’t live here with Alex and
Annie not knowing.”

He
takes a deep breath and runs his fingers through my wet hair, my body cradled
against his.

“When
I saw you…” Benji starts, but stops, his hold on me tightening. “It was too…”
He stalls out again and sighs hard. “Fuck, Campbell,” he mutters. “Your face
looked exactly like it did on the night of the accident and it scared the shit
out of me.”

“I
was terrified,” I admit. “It’s the first time since we’ve been back together
that we’ve had to deal with something similar and I didn’t handle it well.”

“Honestly,
neither did I,” Benji also admits. “I should’ve called you first.”

“Why
didn’t you?” I ask, curious about it. It was something I wondered the entire
time I was driving to find him, when I did find him and even now. I guess I
assumed he knew how I’d react so he kept it from me.

“My
first instinct, because it happens somewhat frequently in the winter here, was
to call Alex. My truck slides off the road and if it’s not damaged and I’m not
hurt, I call Alex.”

My
eyes widen slightly at his words and Benji leans back so he can look at my
face.

“Baby,
I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’ve never been hurt in an accident out
here. Not since…” he starts to say but doesn’t complete his thought. He wets
his lips and waits another second before adding, “Not since the accident with
you.”

“Were
you scared to call me?” I ask. “Why did you send Annie over?”

“I
called Alex as soon as it happened. It’s just what I naturally would’ve done.”
He shrugs his shoulders and I understand that his initial reaction wouldn’t
have been to call me, but I still don’t understand why he didn’t after the
fact. “It wasn’t like I didn’t think about you. I just knew you wouldn’t be
able to help me and by the time I got off the phone with Alex my battery was
nearly dead. I tried to call you, but my phone died.”

His
story is plausible. Living out in the middle of nowhere, the phone will
constantly search for service, draining the battery, and I can fully understand
why Alex would have been his first point of contact. He’s spent nine years
without me, without anyone really, and for him to suddenly decide to call me
would’ve been out of the ordinary for him.

“I
understand and I guess this is something we both need to work on, huh? Me not
reacting like a crazy person every time something goes slightly wrong and you
not keeping me in the dark.”

“Yeah,”
Benji says, smiling at me now. “Guess we’ll always be hesitant to upset or
worry the other, but you’re right, we still have a lot to work on.”

He
pulls me in and I lean down to meet him, his mouth connecting with mine in a
kiss that’s soft and slow. It says everything we haven’t said, how much we need
each other, how much we both want this, and how our lives will never be the
same again. We’re heading toward happiness.