The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (23 page)

This Is Not a Test

1.
How possessive are you about your personal things? Do you consider things to be “mine” and “his,” or are they “ours?” Does this include things you've bought together since you've shared a household?

2.
How important is your career? Your partner's career? What would happen if one of you were to get a job offer in a city a thousand miles away? Does either career require a great deal of travel?

3.
What body of water does your lover remind you of?

4.
What are some things you've planned together for the future? Do you want to live in another state or in a foreign country? Do you want to create a dream house?

5.
Do you each have your own groups of friends that don't overlap?

6.
How close do your families live to you, and does it matter?

7.
Do you share chores? Does one cook and the other clean up afterward? What are the consequences if you don't play by the rules?

8.
What are your household habits? Is one of you incredibly neat and the other one sloppy, and have you come to terms with that?

9.
Do you have the same taste in furnishings? If there is a disagreement over which lamp to buy, how is it settled?

10.
Will your financial arrangements change after you get married?

11.
How do you feel about remaining friends with ex-lovers?

12.
Is either one of you interested in raising kids? If you plan on being parents, have you discussed the arrangements and possible legal complications?

13.
Do you feel that you've maintained a sense of self? What about your sense of being part of a couple?

14.
Do you have basically the same ethics concerning large issues? Do you lean the same direction politically? Religiously or spiritually?

15.
Do you hate nose rings?

16.
Do you have separate interests? Is either one of you threatened or insulted by the amount of time spent away from the other?

17.
What's the deal-breaker in this relationship?

18.
How would you dissolve this relationship if you decided it wasn't working?

The point is this: the more you think of yourselves as a couple or single-unit team, the more it helps to strengthen your bonds to each other and to the world at large. We like to think of this process as “moving in together emotionally.”

Once you're feeling secure about your decision, there are a variety of things you can do to formalize your relationship. You may have taken some of these steps already, while you may not be ready, willing, or able to consider others. That's okay; just make sure the two of you discuss the formalities so there will be no misunderstandings.

Draw up and have notarized a
relationship agreement.
This doesn't have to do with property; it has to do with personality—sort of a contract of what each of you expects from the other person emotionally.

Open a joint savings account, checking account, or charge account.

Have both names on all club memberships and subscriptions. Don't forget the automobile club, health clubs, and frequent-flier clubs.

Choose a doctor for both of you, who in effect becomes your family physician.

List your partner's name on medical records as your spouse or domestic partner. Do the same with credit companies.

Have address labels or a rubber stamp made with both your names on it.

Make donations in both your names.

Include each other in your wills.

Go to your Facebook profile and change your relationship status to “Engaged.”