The Everything Orgasm Book (4 page)

The sexual repression of women has been one of the main ways that human sexuality has been subject to control by others. The means by which female sexuality has been repressed are many, but none is so physically overt than the practice of clitoridectomy. Also referred to as
female circumcision, infibulation
, or
female genital mutilation
, clitoridectomy is a procedure performed on females primarily to prevent them from experiencing sexual desire, pleasure, or orgasm. Other peripheral reasons are to preserve chastity and virginity, to symbolize social status or belonging to the group, for hygienic motivations, for male approval, and for mystical and ritualistic purposes.

Clitoridectomy
is the partial or full removal of the female's external genitals, potentially including the clitoral hood, glans, and shaft, as well as the inner labia. The procedure is usually performed on young girls before they hit puberty. There are cases, however, where it has been performed on grown women, usually before or immediately after marrying into a family that practices the tradition. Clitoridectomies are usually performed without the use of an anesthetic and are often followed by immediate complications and long-term problems in regard to both the physical and mental health of the girl or woman.

Clitoridectomy is a cultural practice, not a religious one. It takes place today primarily among certain groups of people in Africa, the Middle East, Indonesia, and Malaysia. Immigrants from these areas have brought the practice to other parts of the world, including the United Sates. It is believed that this practice affects more than 100 million women. The practice itself dates far back in history, since before Islam or Christianity even existed, and has been practiced by Muslims, Jews, and Christians. Only a little over 100 years ago, clitoridectomies were performed in the United States and Britain as treatment for excessive masturbation, lesbianism, hysteria, epilepsy, and melancholy. The practice of clitoridectomy is no longer accepted in Western culture, and there are numerous groups who are attempting to end this practice worldwide.

Although the clitoris is known to be a woman's main route to orgasm, it is not the sole route, and women who have had a clitoridectomy may still be physiologically capable of orgasm. However, it can make orgasm considerably more difficult. Still, where it is the cultural norm, women may accept it and even believe it is necessary. In order for this practice to change, many cultural views and attitudes pertaining to sexuality will have to shift.

The sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s helped unravel some of the negative attitudes pertaining to sex that had built up since the sexually repressive Victorian era. Although the sexual revolution didn't sprout until the 1960s, many of its seeds were planted a decade earlier. Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey published his now famous works on human sexual behavior in 1948 and 1953. His works mark the onset of the sexual revolution. Before these books, people were mostly in the dark about the sexual behaviors of others. Helped by Kinsey's extensive data, people began to see that they were not alone in their proclivities. They could relax and accept more of their own sexuality. Many taboo behaviors, such as masturbation and homosexuality, were normalized as a result of Kinsey's work.

Many other sex researchers and pioneers followed suit, helping to support the sexual revolution through books, workshops, seminars, and lectures. Notable contributions to the sexual revolution include Shere Hite's extensive reports on female sexuality, Masters and Johnson's study of the human sexual response, Helen Singer Kaplan's and Hartman and Fithian's work in the area of sexual dysfunction, Betty Dodson and Lonnie Barbach's writing on female sexuality and orgasm, Bernie Zilbergeld's book on male sexuality, and Alex Comfort's guide to lovemaking. All of these researchers and pioneers have helped in the understanding, acceptance, and improvement of human sexual behavior and paved the way for continued study, research, dialogue, and exploration.

Somewhere in the great range of ways people experience sex and orgasm lies your personal experience. Perhaps you have never had an orgasm. Or maybe you want your orgasms to be easier to attain, or more satisfying. You might be curious about how other people experience orgasm. Or maybe you want to help your lover get more enjoyment from his orgasms. Whatever your interest, keep in mind the following two principles.

1. There is no right or wrong way for consenting adults to be sexual. Whatever works for you to really enjoy the gift of sexuality is most important. There is a great range of variety in other people's sexual behaviors, but none of this need dictate what is true for you. You are the ultimate authority on your own sexuality.
   

2. An open mind can help you find even more satisfaction with sex. There is nothing that you should do. But if you are open to exploring new sexual possibilities, you may bring yourself more and more joy and fulfillment through sex. Casting off the shackles of shame that inhibit you and allowing yourself to wholeheartedly feast on all that sex has to offer can be the most rewarding growth you will ever experience. Be free.
   

T
hink of your body as a musical instrument. Visualize a cello, a guitar, or any type of instrument you particularly love to hear. If your body actually were this instrument, then satisfying sex is perhaps the most sensuous music this instrument can play. In this analogy, orgasm could be considered the dramatic climax of that sweet music. Maybe that explains the old pickup line, “We could make beautiful music together.”

Any instrument can make a sound, but in order for it to make beautiful music, it needs to be well tuned. Having orgasms (and having great orgasms, in particular) requires some basic groundwork, some tuning of your body-mind instrument. There are many things you can do to keep your instrument in good condition. Perhaps you have tuned some strings but not others. This chapter is your opportunity to consider the different ways to care for your instrument so that you can better enjoy playing its most sultry tunes.

The instrument you play when you have sex is part body and part mind. Throughout history, philosophers have attempted to differentiate the mind from the body. The more science learns about human anatomy and function, however, the more it becomes clear that the two are in fact not separate. The mind is not just the brain and the thoughts inside your head. It is the entire nervous system that spreads throughout your body. It takes in sensory information from both the environment outside of your body — through the skin, eyes, nose, mouth, and ears — and from the sensations inside your body.

Your thoughts, attitudes, fantasies, and states of mind exert a strong influence on your emotions and your responses to sexual touch. Likewise, the condition of your body affects how you view yourself, what it judges about sex, and what it is open to enjoying. Consider the unfortunate scenario of a man desiring sex but anxious about whether he will be able to maintain an erection. Is his mind affecting his penis or is his penis affecting his mind? The answer is probably both, for in sex, the body and mind function as a single unit. The well-tuned body-mind is one in which the body supports the mind and the mind supports the body.

Let's look first at your overall attitude about sex and your own sexuality. Society gives very contradictory messages about sex. Some people claim that sex is inherently shameful, is only excusable for procreation, and should never be used for pleasure. On the other end of the spectrum are those who claim that unbridled sexual freedom is the only way to psychological and societal health. Most people maintain views somewhere between these extremes. Sexologists have reached a general consensus that healthy sexual functioning is aided by what they call a
sex-positive perspective
. The term essentially refers to a position that affirms the following beliefs:

• Sexual exploration and expression between two consenting adults is a basic human right, regardless of the sexual behaviors being engaged in.
  

• Acceptance of human sexuality can have a positive effect on both individuals and society in general.
  

• People have the right to straightforward and factual information about sexual health.
  

• It is inappropriate to judge, inhibit, or restrict other adults' consensual choices on how to have sex, who to have sex with, or how one defines their sexual identity or orientation.
  

• Sexual education should focus not only on disease prevention and prevention of sexual assault or unwanted pregnancy, but also on the positive aspects of sexuality, such as sexual pleasure.
  

• Sexuality is largely a social construct and there are few if any essential truths about sex.
  

If you tend to agree with all of these statements, then congratulations! You can consider your attitudes to be sex-positive. If you are challenged by any of these statements, it doesn't necessarily mean you are sex-negative, but you may want to take a closer look at some of your underlying beliefs and/or fears about sexuality. This exploration can help to resolve any difficulty or discomfort you have with sex or in experiencing orgasm.

Being fully sex-positive in both attitude and practice may not be as easy as you think. While you may not be aware of any sex-negative beliefs, you must consider more than your rational, conscious mind. Consciously, you may be very accepting and allowing of any sexual behavior between two consenting adults. But there is another level — the level of the unconscious mind. Most people are still unconsciously under the influence of old beliefs about right and wrong behavior. If your own sexual exploration is inhibited based on some negative gut reaction to a particular sexual behavior that you have never tried, then you are quite possibly suffering from the fallout of a society-imposed sexually repressed mindset. In other words, you may have some shame around sex.

Shame is a painful experience caused by judgments about who you are or what you feel. These judgments originate from the attitudes of other people. You are not born believing that your body is shameful. But as a child, you are exposed to many sex-negative messages, such as “never be seen naked,” “never touch yourself there,” and “sex is nasty and dirty.” Even if you do not believe them, these judgments can become internalized over time. Consequently, most people end up feeling bad about some aspect of their sexuality.

The feeling of shame is one of distress and humiliation. The judgments you have internalized may lead you to believe that it is inappropriate to have sexual feelings or seek sexual gratification. Simply being a part of this culture is enough to infuse you with a great deal of negativity pertaining to sexuality. This sexual shame usually resides deep in your psyche, controlling your sexual behaviors and attitudes from its stronghold inside of you. It can put a big damper on your ability to enjoy any erotic feelings. You may still have sexual feelings, but the guilt you feel about having them will take its toll on your psyche and your ability to enjoy sex and have pleasurable orgasms.

Fortunately, it is possible for you to become shame-free and relieve yourself of the psychic chains of a culturally repressed sexuality. To do so, however, requires sincere self-reflection and a willingness to open your mind, even if it is uncomfortable. Clearing out unconscious shame takes awareness, compassion, and courage. But it can be fun too. Exploring the edges of your comfort zone will both help you become shame-free and open the doors to some wonderful new sexual experiences. To begin, consider the following questions pertaining to your attitudes about sex:

• Do you feel 100 percent okay about seeking sexual pleasure with yourself and another?
  

• Are you willing to try new sexual behaviors?
  

• Do you find certain sexual behaviors inherently distasteful?
  

• Do you judge others for engaging in particular sexual behaviors?
  

• Can you talk about sex openly with your lover, spouse, friends, and/or family?
  

The first step in moving toward a sex-positive and shame-free attitude is self-reflection. Self-reflection refers to the process of looking inward and fostering a willingness to learn more about your more subtle thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Self-reflection is a process that helps people learn more about themselves. This is the foundation of personal growth. Self-reflecting on your attitudes and beliefs about sex will help you identify and clear shame, resulting in a greater ability to enjoy sex and orgasm to your fullest potential.

Charting your inner landscape can be challenging and scary at times. There are sometimes dark and uncomfortable feelings lurking inside. You may be tempted to avoid all of that unknown territory inside of you, because it is just too overwhelming. This is a natural response to fear. If this process is truly overwhelming, consider consulting with a clinical sexologist or a therapist. But make sure the therapist you choose has sex-positive attitudes herself. You can assess this by asking some direct questions about sex and seeing how comfortable the therapist is in response. Also note how accepted you feel about your sexuality.

The second step in becoming truly sex-positive and shame-free is to challenge any limiting beliefs you may have about sex. Some of these limitations will arise through your self-reflection on the topic. You may be someone who is not daunted by the journey inward and the study of your own perceptions. But are you open to the variety of sexual possibilities that you have not yet experienced? Expanding your mind means doing a little research outside your comfort zone.

Perhaps you are reluctant or scared to look outside of yourself for answers or new information. You may lack trust in the knowledge and experience of others. Or perhaps your ego gets in the way of allowing another person to be the expert or simply have something of value to offer you. If any of these ideas are true for you, then ask yourself why you would limit yourself to information coming only from within. What is keeping you from allowing other explorers of sexual pleasure from influencing you in some way?

Expanding your mind is easier today than ever before, although not all neighborhoods and communities are places where this can happen so readily. There are, however, a plethora of books, videos, websites, radio talk shows, and even television shows available to support your erotic exploration. There are also workshops that are designed specifically for enriching your sex life. Stores have knowledgeable staff that cater to your erotic needs. They sell books, toys, lube, props, and costumes, and even offer educational classes and workshops on sexuality. There is no need to stay stuck in a rut with your sexuality when there are so many resources available to you.