The Exception to the Rule (29 page)

Julian was to arrive tomorrow, when Matty’s first treatment would begin. He was going to receive three rounds of chemo over several months and then the bone marrow transplant would follow after. I tried to mentally prepare myself for this as best I could, but realized that there is no way to prepare yourself to see your child suffering.

Julian called Matty every night before he went to bed to tell him good night. Matty truly did miss him, asking about him every day. We had finally hired a new doctor and nurse practitioner, allowing me to cut my hours extensively at work. I knew that there was no way possible for me to keep up with my work load while caring for Matty.

I had all Matty’s stuff packed and ready to go for the hospital. He would be in the hospital for at least a week after each round and then home for about three weeks in between to let his counts recover. I tried to explain to him as best I could, without scaring him, what was going to happen to him but it was just too much to expect a five-year-old to comprehend.

I had invited Charles, Claire, Tricia, and James over for pizza, trying to make it a little special for Matty knowing that it was going to be the last night in a long while that we would all be getting together like this. I had barely heard the doorbell ringing through all of the chattering in the house and apparently no one else had either as they all continued to talk while I went to answer the door.

“Julian!” I said happily, not expecting him until tomorrow morning. 

He told me that he was able to get out of work earlier than planned and caught a flight today instead to surprise Matty. I walked him into the living room where Matty was deep in thought playing with his action figures with James.

“Hey Matty,” I said, making him look up.

His smile brought tears to my eyes, as well as to Tricia’s and Claire’s.

 “Daddy,” he said, running past everyone to give him a huge hug and a kiss as Julian picked him up.

“My mommy said you weren’t coming to see me until tomorrow,” he said as he pressed his forehead up against Julian’s, still unable to wipe the smile from his face.

“I was, but I wanted to surprise you,” he said. Matty kissed him on the cheek and rested his head on his shoulder, still smiling, creating another perfect picture.

Matty spent the rest of the night without ever leaving Julian’s side. I was happy that he was surrounded by the people that he loved the most, especially tonight.

It was getting later and I was hoping that the night wouldn’t end. Not only because it was so nice having everyone here but because I knew it meant we were getting closer to tomorrow. 

James came into the kitchen and asked Tricia if she was ready to go. “What’s the matter? Matty’s got a new friend and doesn’t want to play with you anymore?” She teased as Claire and I both laughed. James shouted into the living room to Julian, telling him he would see him later back at his house. Matty began to cry hearing that Julian was planning on going to James’ house again tonight. This time it was actual sobbing, not his normal tired whiny cry. Claire tried consoling him by telling him that Gracie could sleep over, to no avail.

“Please, will you stay with me tonight?” Matty asked between his sobs, with huge crocodile tears pouring out of his eyes.

Julian looked at me as if he didn’t know how to answer. I mouthed the words to him letting him know that it was up to him. He finally told him that he would. Matty hugged him and his sobs began to subside. Everyone was leaving at the same time. They all lined up to give Matty a hug and kiss goodbye. I walked everyone to the door, returning to Julian and Matty.

Matty had finally calmed down but his eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying.

“Sorry,” I said to Julian.

“For what?” he asked.

“For Matty putting you on the spot.”

“It’s not a big deal.” 

While Matty went into his bedroom to get something, I told Julian that he had been overly emotional all day long, almost like he knew something bad was going to happen soon, even if he didn’t understand it.

Matty finally appeared with his pillow, blanket, and an array of stuffed animals. “You can sleep with him,” he said to Julian as he handed him his favorite teddy bear that he slept with every night. Julian thanked him and smiled as he put the bear down on the couch.

“Matty, you’re not sleeping on the couch,” I said. 

He looked at me, bursting out in tears again. “She’s mean,” he screamed, pointing at me.

“Perfect example,” I said to Julian, who was finding it all amusing.

 Matty was fighting sleep as hard as he could. I caught him looking up a few times making sure that Julian hadn’t left. I watched and laughed when he gave up the fight, finally closing his eyes and snoring away. 

Julian carried him into his bed while I went into my bedroom to change into my pajamas. I was freezing and still had only summer pajamas in my drawer. I pulled out my box of winter clothes that I had stored under my bed in hopes of finding a warmer pair. While I was under my bed I spotted the storage container of Matty’s baby pictures. I pulled it out and quickly changed into my pajamas. I brought the box out to Julian and sat down on the couch next to him.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Matty, from birth to present,” I said.

He smiled as he took the lid off. I had them all organized in date order. He grabbed the first half. I immediately remembered that I had some pregnancy pictures of my belly that Tricia had taken against my wishes. 

“Oh those aren’t Matty,” I said, trying to grab them from his hand. He tightened his grip not letting me take them and raised them higher out of my reach. I lost my balance as I stood up to try and take them from his grasp and fell, ending up on his lap. He had his hand on my back and was staring at me intently. The playful mood from just a few seconds ago had now become more somber as we stared into each other’s eyes. It was strangely comfortable but I quickly got up putting enough distance between us. 

He studied the picture and began to smile. “Wow, I was having a hard time imagining what you looked like pregnant,” he said. I just shook my head, embarrassed. As if that weren’t bad enough, there was the whole gamut of pictures that Claire and Tricia had taken right after I had given birth.

“I guess I really should have gone through these pictures before I let you see them,” I said.

“What’s wrong with them?” he asked.

“I look like death,” I said.

“You just had a baby,” he said sweetly, giving me another glimpse of the old Julian that I used to know.

I noticed that he paid particular attention to the pictures that represented various milestones in Matty’s life; his birth, his christening, and his birthdays, I guess in some strange way hoping that he could relive those times through these pictures. 

He was just about to close the lid on the box when he noticed another small package of photos shoved in the back. I watched as he took them out. I had no clue what the envelope contained. I leaned over to see which picture of Matty he was staring at so closely. It wasn’t a picture of Matty. It was a picture that I had forgotten all about; one that was buried in the back of that box because it had hurt too much to look at. It was of Julian and me, taken on that New Year’s Eve at Charles and Claire’s house. I thought about how I wouldn’t have changed a thing about that night—it was perfect. The only thing that I would have changed was the way I had handled the outcome of it. If I could go back in time, Julian would have been there with his son from the day that he was born, instead of looking at the first five years of his life through pictures. I felt my heart drop watching him look at it, thinking that I had robbed him of all these times that he could never get back.

He put the pictures back in the box and closed the lid. “So, how come you never got married?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Well that would be a little difficult when according to you I shouldn’t be introducing any male friends to Matty,” I couldn’t resist getting one last dig in. He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm. “Guess I just never found the right guy.” The truth was, I found myself comparing every guy I dated to him. “Why didn’t you?” I asked, turning the tables, knowing that it was a ridiculous question to be asking him, of all people.

“Because that’s not for me.” He was complacent.

“Oh, but one night stands are?” I asked before I could even register what I was saying.

He had a look of confusion on his face, until I explained to him that James reported back about Julian’s “hot chicks,” as he referred to them, when he ran into him years ago.

“It’s a lot less work,” he said, looking away.

“So these girls are okay with it too?” I asked.

“I really don’t care if they aren’t,” he said smugly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing—he sounded so heartless. 

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” I asked.

“No, I don’t make any promises I don’t intend to keep, if they’re not okay with it - it’s nobody’s fault but their own.”

I couldn’t help but wonder if he was including me in with that statement. “Kind of like how you didn’t make any promises to me, right?” 

He looked away and was silent for a brief moment.  “No, it’s not the same thing,” he finally answered, still not looking at me.

“Don’t you want something beyond physical?” I asked, prying deeper.

“Nope,” he said nonchalantly. “I did the emotional thing already – it doesn’t work.” He gazed right into my eyes. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going, clearly understanding that he was now referring to our relationship.

 “Well I’m going to bed. The guest room is all ready for you.” 

“Okay, I’ve just got to return some emails,” he said as he checked his phone.

I got up and quickly turned around. “Thanks,” I said.

“For what?” he asked.

“For surprising Matty tonight, it meant a lot to him.”

He nodded and gave me a warm smile.

I had caught a small glimpse of the old Julian tonight. The one that I got along with, laughed with, and had strong feelings for. I headed to bed wishing the old Julian would stick around a little longer-I really liked him.

Chapter 30

The weather outside was fitting for the day that lay ahead, damp and dreary. I was already feeling sick just looking at Matty in the hospital bed. The nurse came in to get his IV set up. He immediately gasped at the sight of the needle. I held his hand as she gently explained to him what was happening in a five-year-olds vocabulary. Both she and I told him not to look. As much as he hated getting needles of any kind he couldn’t stop himself from watching. She managed to get the IV into him fairly easily with just a few tears on his end. I had brought a bagful of his DVDs to take his mind off everything going on. I knew he was scared so I sat down on his bed next to him as he clung tightly to me.

“It’s okay, Matty,” I said as I tried to reassure him.

The nurse returned with the IV bags, one containing fluids and the other containing the chemo. I took a deep breath; it all seemed too real now.

Matty managed a smile when he saw Julian enter the room with Dr. Fowler.

“Hey Matty,” Dr. Fowler said, shaking his hand.

Matty just looked at him as if he was trying to figure out what was going on. Dr. Fowler explained to Matty what was going to happen over the next week, asking him if he was ready.

Matty nodded.

I was glad that Julian was sitting back and overseeing Matty’s care. Dr. Fowler was doing all the hands-on work. I didn’t want Matty associating any pain or trauma that he may be feeling during this whole process with Julian. As far as Matty knew, Julian had nothing to do with any of this; he was just here as his dad.

I cringed as I watched the first drip slowly make its way down the tube and into his body. I couldn’t watch anymore. I decided to get up and get the bag of movies. After painstakingly looking through the bag over and over again, Matty finally decided on one.

“Can you sit with me and watch this movie?” Matty asked Julian.

“Sure.” He sat down on the bed next to him. Matty moved closer, resting his head on him.

Julian had explained to me earlier that Matty may show some effects within the first few days or he may not. He said that everyone was different in the way their body reacts. I was hoping that he would handle it well with very few side effects. I knew that might be asking for too much, but I remained hopeful.

Before I knew it they were coming around to take Matty’s lunch order, and to my surprise he ordered a grilled cheese. I wasn’t sure that he’d be hungry; it was always a chore to get him to eat lunch when he was home. When his lunch arrived, true to Matty’s style he took two small bites from his sandwich and went right for the ice cream that was on his tray. He ate all of the ice cream, announcing that he was full. I didn’t force him to eat any more of his sandwich. I didn’t want him getting nauseous from the chemo and throwing it all up. I figured I would just let him eat what he wanted.

We had gotten through his first day without any major hurdles. We stayed with him well past visiting hours. Julian assured me that he would be asleep the rest of the night from the medicine, which put my mind at ease a bit. I didn’t want him to wake up in a strange place in the middle of the night, scared and not knowing where he was.

I dreaded the next two days because I knew that I had to go into work briefly on both days. I had felt guilty about not being there the entire time that Matty was in the hospital. But I took comfort in knowing that Julian would be there. After I got through these next two days, I would be off for some time to devote myself fully to Matty, while Julian flew back to Chicago for a few days. I was fortunate that the hospital Matty was in was only thirty minutes from my house and work. This allowed me to go back and forth between the two with ease. It was Julian that I felt bad for. He had to fly back and forth, working sixteen-hour days on the days that he was home to try to catch up. He never complained about it and something told me that he wouldn’t have it any other way.