The Fall (36 page)

“I keep asking God why, Dallas, and he won’t answer me. Do you think he even listens?”

“He did a shitty thing to you, Rose. He’s probably giving you some time.”

“Why do you believe in him? In God?”

“Some of it’s fear, replaced often with awe of the things I see. He cured Lance Carson.”

“I thought that was a lost cause.”

“That’s my point.” I pulled the jacket over her, trying to keep her warm, the cold seeping into us from the ground beneath. The day was appropriately dreary and overcast. I couldn’t think of a more fitting scene. I could tell the house would have been amazing by the layout. The heartbreak from that sight alone was enough to make my tears resume.

“Dallas, if this is it, I’m not happy.”

“Time, Rose. Maybe one day it will all make sense.”

“I doubt it.”

We sat in silence as she started to cry softly again. I stroked her hair and spoke my next words in a whisper.

“I love you, little sister. It’s all going to be okay. Well, that’s bullshit. I know that’s bullshit. But we will smile and laugh again one day, I promise.”

“Good enough. I would do anything for a good laugh.”

“You will.”

I took a long look at the tree and saw Grant had carved their names in it with their wedding date today. It was all I could do to keep from openly sobbing. I looked down at my sister and pulled her tightly to me, completely helpless.

“Dallas, let’s do something...better. I am sure we can start a practice, but let’s do something, something else. I don’t want to be just another surgeon and you can do better than runny noses and broken bones.”

“Rose, don’t worry about the practice.”

“It’s all I have left.” She turned her head to look up at me, her glossy eyes intent on my reaction. I indulged her.

“What are you thinking?”

She looked back toward the still water of the pond. “I don’t know, but it’s just not good enough anymore. I know you went into oncology.”

“Rose, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,” I offered quickly.

Her body moved lightly with her chuckle. “Grant really did try to keep it from me.”

“I didn’t have a fighting chance with you two,” I said, smiling.

“Not at all,” she agreed. “Honestly, he was excited about it. We can do better, Dallas...than what we had planned.”

“I agree, just let me think on it, Rose.”

Another few minutes of silence.

“He really loved me.”

“I know.” I sniffed, no longer able to hide the fact that I was crying.

“He loved you, too,” she said, pulling away from my lap to sit beside me, her arms stretched behind her.

“He was awesome,” I said wiping my face quickly, unable to hold back my compliment. “You look so beautiful,” I remarked. Her dress was ruined from the knees down but I couldn’t help but notice how perfect she looked in white silk covered in soft lace. “He would have loved that dress.”

She simply nodded and stood up. “Are you going to marry Dean?”

I stood shocked at her words and this time she faced me fully for an answer to her question. I said nothing as she studied me. “Take a lesson, big sister. You have no idea how much time you have left.”

Dallas

• Now
  

Three days later, we had a small ceremony celebrating Grant’s life on his land. Rose scattered his ashes underneath their tree. I learned later that night from Rose that Grant had taken her to the land for a picnic on their first date. She spent hours telling me about their time together, reliving the past four months of her life. We laughed and cried until we fell asleep and woke up only when our mom came in to join us. She said nothing as she pulled back the covers and pulled us to her, wrapping us up tightly in her embrace as we drifted back off.

Against protest from my mother, my father, and me, Rose went back to school the next week. In a way, I understood it and so did my parents, but we still feared for her daily.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, she was right. I could not be her every day. I would just have to settle for being what I could and as far as I was concerned, it would never be enough.

“How is she?” Dean asked as I hung up the phone with her.

“The same. She’s trying so hard, Dean. I just don’t know how to help her. He pulled the phone out of my hand, setting it down on the nightstand and undressed me. It had been three weeks since Grant’s death and I still felt completely useless when it came to helping her cope.

“Lie down,” he said, gently pushing my shoulders until I was beneath him.

“I feel so guilty,” I said, looking up into his beautiful, crystal blue eyes, realizing just how much I had missed him. For the first time in weeks, I instantly felt connected. Our newly rekindled relationship had taken a back seat to my need to stay consistently there for Rose.

“What do you feel guilty for?” he asked, cradling my face in his hands.

“Everything, Grant’s gone and we still have each other. I feel guilty for being happy with you.”

“I understand that. But we do deserve a little happiness. I think we’ve earned it, don’t you?” I nodded with a smile. “We will take care of her. We will be there,” he assured me. I kept my eyes locked on his and he smiled when he recognized my focus was now fully on him.

“Hi,” he whispered as he took my lips into a slow kiss.

“Hi,” I whispered back.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, trailing his kiss up my cheek.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said sweetly, tenderness running fluid in his eyes. “I’m just so sorry that it happened.”

I ran my hands over his chest and sighed. “You have been incredible. Thank you for taking care of us.”

“Always...Can I touch you?”

“You don’t even have to ask.” He took my lips gently and made love to me slowly. When we had both let go and were tangled in the sheets an hour later, I crossed my hands on his chest and put my chin on them.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked, running his fingers through my hair.

“I don’t want to waste any more time.”

He stopped his hand, cupped the back of my head and leaned in with his reply. “Agreed, you will hear no complaints from me.”

“I love you.”

“You should. I’m awesome.” We both chuckled as I rolled my eyes.

“Watch it, vag man. There is a neurosurgeon who has been asking me out for years.”

He lifted a brow as his lips turned up with a sexy smirk. “Oh, Dallas,” he murmured, running his hand up my thigh, making me gasp as his skilled fingers reached my sex. “Always trying to bring out the angry Spaniard in me. When will you learn?”

My answering grin told him not to hold his breath.

“Ms. Dallas, I’m tired.” I looked at Beatrice, now a withering shell of the woman I once knew. Her hair was wrapped in a beautiful yellow silk scarf and she had on a matching robe. Her typically beautiful caramel skin looked painfully dry and I couldn’t help but cringe at what looked to be the painful bruising on her arms from needles.

“You know I won’t give up on you,” I said, reviewing her labs on my tablet, trying my best not to let the slow burn of defeat show on my features. We were losing and we both knew it.

“I want to eat a good meal without tossing it up.” She had lost an enormous amount of weight in the three months we had been battling her condition. She was no longer the vivacious curvy woman I had fallen in love with two years ago when I started my residency. The sickness had taken its toll on her and it was a hard pill to swallow.

“You’re whining,” I scorned, rounding her bed and bringing her another pillow from my abundant collection at home. We had done everything I could possibly think of, but I couldn’t save her. She was running out of time, and I didn’t want to put her through more. I’d decided this morning before coming in to make the time she had left enjoyable and much less painful, but seeing her in the hospital bed today withering away had somehow renewed the fight in me. I didn’t want to lose her.

“You can’t fix me, Ms. Dallas. It’s time.” She pulled my tablet out of my hands as I pulled it up to resume my needless search. I instantly felt bared without it to hide behind.

“I wasn’t going to put you through any more,” I said shakily. I quickly spoke up, masking my failing confidence. “I can bring in Nichols, get a fresh set of eyes. There are things we can still do.”

“Dallas,” she said softly.

“Damn it,” I said avoiding her soft look. “Don’t console me, Beatrice. I’m not the one in bed dying.”

“Can’t help it, baby.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, finally meeting her eyes.

“Dallas, you did enough. You did everything you could.”

I nodded, pressing my lips into a thin line as I tried to hide my devastation.

“You are going to be just fine,” she said, as if reading my mind. I grabbed her hand. I had no idea how I was going to live without her. She had become a staple to my routine, an important part of my everyday life, and even as she lay there dying, I was selfishly concerned about how I would deal with the loss of her.

“How am I supposed to do this without you? Who is going to keep me in line?”

She pulled up the quilt my mother had just stitched for her then shook her head. “I’m glad you’ll miss me. I want you to miss me. It means I’ve done something right, but I don’t want you to take it so hard you blame yourself.”

I let a small sob escape and cupped my hand to my mouth as she went on.

“I know you’re afraid to show that heart of yours, Dallas. And I know they give you a hard time about showing your emotions with patients, but I think they might be wrong.”

I gave her an inquisitive look.

“Let that big heart of yours show, Dallas. Don’t be afraid to show it to your patients. It’s when you shine the most. Let them see how much you care, how disappointed you are when things are bad, and how excited you are when things go well.”

“Why would I do that?”

“It made me feel like I wasn’t so alone,” she said, honestly. “I think there’s something to be said about the human side of doctoring. I know if I had a choice between someone like Nichols and you, I would choose you every time.”

“I don’t think the board would agree,” I said, trying my best not to let the rip growing inside me reach the outside. “Besides, you are slightly biased.”

“So what, make your own rules, open your own hospital. The world needs more doctors like you, Dallas.”

Dread raced through me when I thought about the weeks ahead and the pain she would have to endure. I would do everything in my power to make her comfortable.

“Beatrice, is there anyone I can call?” I asked, terrified. She hadn’t had one visitor since she had been admitted.

“When I lost Roy, I kind of forgot about the world around me. This hospital became my whole life. I don’t regret it. I loved being a nurse, every single minute of it. I never married again by choice. I had a couple of chances. I lived my way. I did the things I wanted. I’m fine with it all, Dallas.”

After an hour or so of going over some details—mostly the argument that I was now the reluctant owner of one Morris Chesnutt, her cat—I stood to leave her alone with her thoughts and walked to the door. I looked back at her and the wave of pain took me under as I flew into her waiting arms, wailing my cries and soaking her robe.

“Now calm down, this is not what I meant by showing more of your emotions. Dear Lord, looks like I won’t be the only black lady at my funeral. Please girl, don’t throw yourself over my casket and make a damn fool out of yourself.” I laughed hysterically as I pulled away from her, sniffling.

“Are you scared?” I asked, guarded.

“No, fear isn’t nothin’ but a huge rock that will hold you down if you give it the power too. Nothing good has ever come out of being afraid. No, I’m not going out that way. I believe in the good Lord. I know where I’m going. I’m okay with it, Dallas.”

“I never will be. And I’m going to give my next nurse hell,” I said spitefully. She gave me a knowing smile. “You are more than that to me, you know.”

“I’m pretty sure I do,” she said, sinking down in her bed, making herself more comfortable. “Now do me a favor and go get handled by that gorgeous boyfriend of yours. Lord knows he wouldn’t give me my one wish.”

“Hands off you old bag!” I teased playfully.

“I’m not making any promises, especially now that I may get away with more.” I walked out the door and poked my head back in as she closed her eyes.

“I love you, Beatrice.” The slow warm smile that spread over her face let me know she heard me.