The Fall (33 page)

“I told you I met her the first year but we didn’t start dating until my second. I wanted to believe that what you and I had was just a young love type of thing. That I would always remember you but I could move on. That I was right to be in New York, and that it was a good thing to try to move forward with Helena. I tried to convince myself the shooting pains in my chest every time I thought about you would eventually disappear. That the guilt I felt when I had sex with my own fiancée had nothing to do with you. That every time I slipped in the shower and wrapped my fist around myself it wasn’t you I was thinking about.

“That the rage I felt at the thought of another man touching you was immature and misplaced. It never got better. It never went away, and I considered a good day a day where I fell asleep without you being the last thing on my mind. I want to tell you when Rose answered my email and told me you fell in love and were happy that I was happy for you. That it didn’t feel like I had lost you all over again and I didn’t resent you for it. That some part of me wasn’t hoping deep down it would all fall apart for you. But I’m a selfish man and I wanted you to keep your promise, even though I never kept mine. I wanted New York to fit because it was supposed to, but I was never as happy as I was when we were together. And eventually, my stubborn determination to make my life work there became a daily realization that I was living the wrong life with the wrong woman.”

I listened silently as he told me about his regret.

“I won’t lie to you and tell you there weren’t times I thought it was working. That I wasn’t happy and didn’t do well because, I did. I was at times. My career took off shortly after I graduated. I got a staggering amount of offers and I dived right in with the best one. When that happened, I was, for the first time, happy that I stuck with my decision to stay. But it was short lived when my father died. It was a slap in the face for me. I had already accomplished what I set out to do and none of it was fulfilling enough for me to keep pretending what I was doing was enough.”

Men are such idiots.

“Dallas?”

“I’m here.”

“None of this is helping, is it?” Gravel filled his voice as I absorbed all he had told me.

“Why did you lie about still being engaged when you got here?” I shut the door to the patio and stepped inside, rummaging through the fridge.

“I don’t know.”

“Not good enough, Dean.”

“I was happy you were jealous. It’s wrong, I know, but it felt so good after wondering for so long if you still harbored any feelings for me.”

I smiled at that.

“You know I could have done without all the theatrics, Dean. You could have just told me the truth a long time ago.”

“You call it theatrics, I call it passionate wooing.” He chuckled.

“Don’t hide behind your Spanish roots, buddy,” I scolded.

“Necesito que me perdones por ser tan idiota, mi amor. Necesito escucharte decir esas palabras, me estáis matando.” He breathed heavily.

“God, that sounded sexy,” I breathed back suddenly hot with need for him.

His groan gave him away before he spoke his next words. “Should I come and take you away? Make love to you all night and show you just how much I’ve missed you?”

“No,” I said, opening the fridge and taking out the leftover turkey, ignoring my vagina as she waved an angry fist in the air.

“You’re still angry?” He seemed surprised and I shook my head, slamming the Tupperware full of turkey on the counter.

“No...yes.” I paused trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. “You weren’t just my boyfriend, Dean, you were my best friend, too. You knew me better than anyone else and you took that away from me. I needed you. You can’t take that back. Just let me figure out where to put all this.”

“Okay,” he said, sounding defeated.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Okay,” he said softly.

“Goodnight, Dean.” I hung up without waiting for his response and jumped when the kitchen light flipped on.

“Grant,” I said, smiling.

“Oh, woman, you read my mind. Nothing quite as good as a leftover turkey sandwich,” he chuckled joining me. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not. Mayo? Lettuce?”

“I’ll make my own,” he offered.

“No way. This one is on me.” I smiled as he took a seat at the bar stool behind the counter.

“Make it two then.” He winked. “So okay, without sounding like a total prying jerk, I did hear the ass end of your conversation. Was that Dean?”

“Why would you assume it was Dean?” I asked, knowing Rose had probably blabbed our history to him already.

“Honestly, I saw how far gone you were for him at the engagement party, and of course there is Rose.” He chuckled. “She coined the phrase TMI.”

“Don’t I know it,” I said, starting his second sandwich.

“She’s been really worried about you lately. So do you want to talk about it?”

“Taking this brother thing seriously, are you?” I teased and he smiled. It nearly took my breath away. Grant was...beautiful with his shoulder length dark hair and kind eyes. His size contradicted the air about him. The easiest way to describe him would be a gentle giant.

“Honestly, it takes a sucker in love to see one. I really wouldn’t be so damn interested if I wasn’t on a high of my own. And yes, I want to help.” His smile was sincere as I cut his sandwiches in half then stuck his plate in front of him, following it with a glass of milk. He looked adorable and a little childlike as he smiled in thank you. A dimple made an appearance right before he took a big bite of sandwich.

“If you were in love with a woman, and you broke up with her, realized it was a mistake, would it take you seven years to go back and fight for her?”

“Wow,” he said quickly.

“I thought so.” Taking a big bite of my sandwich, I moaned in appreciation.

Grant thought for a minute. “You know I screwed up like that once. I met a girl who absolutely blew my mind when I was younger. I took her on a few dates and then decided not to get serious. By the time I had figured out I was actually interested in her, I was put in the friend zone.”

“How long did that take?”

“Almost a year,” he said truthfully.

“Seriously?” I shook my head, condemning him.

“It wouldn’t have mattered. I didn’t find my match until Rose. I’ve never been more certain. Live and learn, you know?” We ate for a few minutes in silence.

“Can I be honest with you?” He put down his sandwich and looked to me with caution written all over his face.

“Of course, Grant.”

“Women put a ton of emphasis on things like birthdays, anniversaries, how he proposed, things that matter to them.”

“Okay, so?” I tilted my head and looked at him curiously.

“So men aren’t so much interested in things like that. I know I don’t see things that way. I know when I found Rose, I didn’t memorize what day it was. I didn’t give a shit what she was wearing. I knew I probably wouldn’t remember how she styled her hair ten years down the road. All I knew was that I was in love and that I had to have her. It takes the time it takes.”

“I know it seems like a petty argument, but I can’t seem to move past it. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. It just seems like I’m always the first to cave, like he’s always late to the party, like he’s always late...period,” I said, taking another bite of my sandwich.

“Exactly my point. How many times have you heard of a relationship going sour and the minute the woman begins to move on the man tries to step back in?”

“I just assume its jealousy, right? Like some territorial need to keep them hanging on?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Okay, brother, I’m all ears.” He smiled at my term and I felt my chest squeeze. I was elated for my sister.

“Do you feel the same way for him that you did seven years ago?”

I nodded a yes slowly. “God, even more I think.”

“To me, being a guy...from a guy’s point of view, that’s what matters most. I would think that’s all that matters to Dean.”

“I’m holding a grudge I have no right to hold. I’m mad at all the time we missed and I’m holding it against him. I hate that he was going to marry someone else.”

“Understandable, but you are counting anniversaries you’ve missed. He’s counting on a future with you.” I snapped my head up. “How do you know that?”

“How do you not? I saw the way he looks at you, Dallas. Everyone did.”

I said nothing as I stared at the sandwich knife in my hand. I smiled as Grant polished off his second one.

“Another one?”

“Yes, please,” he replied sweetly.

“Hell yes, brother. I’ll have one, too, then I’ll cut us a slice of pie.”

He rubbed his hands together, and I could see a softness cover his features before he spoke. “I love this, being here. Your family is amazing. I never thought I would find ...” I saw a flash of pain cover his features and had to fight like hell to keep my tears from coming. “Anyway, I’m just so thankful.”

Grant had just lost his father a few months ago and had no one but Rose. I couldn’t imagine the pain he was feeling. I was thrilled this helped in some way, that he was now a new addition to our family.

“My parents love you, Grant. You and Rose are so happy. This is all good. I see good things for the two of you. I was so sorry to hear about your father. You can talk about him anytime you want.”

“He was a good man. Not a picture perfect father, but we were close. I imagine I was a handful. He was good to me. I’m blessed to have had him...I miss him.” He kept his voice low, as if it was the only way to keep his emotions in check. “Anyway, it was pancreatic cancer,” he said quickly. “It was slow and painful for him and a hellish nightmare for both of us. Rose is the only reason I smile at all now. I can’t even imagine how lost I would be if she hadn’t have been there.”

I was stunned and furious at the same time. The disease seemed to affect almost everyone I knew. It was always someone’s mother or father or husband or best friend, only a single degree of separation. It was everywhere and a consistent threat to those I loved. In that very moment of his confession that he was orphaned by my nemesis, I vowed to fight harder, to work longer hours, to do whatever I could.

“I’m an oncologist now.” I admitted. “I’ve never felt a pull stronger than before I made this decision. It just felt so right. I can’t explain it. I haven’t told Rose. I knew it would alter our plans and I’m afraid she will never forgive me. You know we are supposed to start a general practice and I went and changed it all without telling her. I’m afraid she’ll never forgive me. I’m trying to figure out a way to make this work before I approach her with it. Please don’t tell her,” I pleaded, suddenly terrified I mentioned it at all.

“I won’t. But I will say, I think it’s a pretty cool thing. I had no luck with the doctors who helped my father. I know Rose just wants to be a surgeon. I know how much she loves it, and I know she would probably stand behind you one hundred percent. She looks up to you a lot, Dallas. I don’t think it would matter to her what you did as long as you did something together. I know I have kind of taken her away from you, but I promise as soon as the madness of her schooling and the wedding is over, we will make more of an effort. I know how much she treasures your relationship and it’s important to me, too.”

My heart squeezed again painfully, and I couldn’t help making my way over to the man I knew was without a doubt the perfect match for my sister. I gave him a quick hug and he returned it, squeezing the life out of me. I chuckled as he pulled back.

“I have a good feeling about this. About you being an oncologist, I mean. I see all good things for you both. You should just tell her. See what happens. I think you’ll be surprised.”

I nodded and turned to clean up the mess, capping the mayo.

“Leave it. I’m going to make one for your sister, who I am sure will be down in a few to make her own.”

“You sure?” I said, smiling at his thoughtfulness. I loved that he would be the one taking care of her.

“Of course,” he said, rounding the counter. I felt like a tiny human standing next to him as he towered above me. He was truly a unique presence. I could see his appeal and knew exactly why the entire family had taken to him so quickly. I was sold.

“Well, okay, thanks for the talk.”

He kept his head down but didn’t let me escape the room before reminding me, “Better hurry up before you miss your next anniversary.” He smiled then looked up. I nodded then turned to hurry upstairs. I met Rose on her way down.

“Turkey sandwich.” She grinned sleepily. I nodded, already picturing Rose’s smile as she found the man of her dreams at the bottom of the stairs making it for her.

Dallas

• Now
  

I got called in for a consult the next morning at work. It seemed the entire oncology department was not immune to the black Friday sales or the inevitable turkey coma. I was happy to go in and actually felt well rested despite having stayed up late. Looking forward to immersing myself into another case, but not forgetting about the ones I wasn’t currently working, I spent my first twenty minutes passing out dry turkey sandwiches, which they thanked me for with huge smiles. It was the little things.

My consult was in OB, and I was shocked when I found out Dean was the one who paged me. I walked into his office with a smile and saw him behind his desk with a set of printed sonogram x-rays lit up behind him. I saw the issue immediately, but greeted Dean first.

“Hi,” I said with a smile.

“Hi, Dally.” His voice alarmed me. I knew it couldn’t be easy on him to have to go back and tell his patient they had cancer. I could almost guarantee this case was terminal.

Dean stood up and pulled me into his arms. I pulled away, curious.

“I’m sorry, was she a regular patient of yours?”

“A really good friend. Is it as bad as I think?”

I studied the chart and nodded. “It looks bad, Dean. It’s improbable this isn’t malignant and even with a hysterectomy and a full dose of the highest level, I can predict this has already spread well beyond the pelvic regions and throughout the lymph nodes. But I will try my best, I promise. I mean, there is no such thing as a lost cause. We can fight it hard. There are a lot of things we can try.”

“Okay,” he said carefully. “This patient asked for you specifically.” I nodded. “Oh, Dean, is this Rita?”

“You might want to sit down, Dallas.” Fear and panic swept through me as I felt instant sweat bead on my forehead. “Dean, don’t make me wait—”

“It’s Beatrice,” he answered quickly as the axe swung and fully hit me in the chest. I jumped up quickly. “What room?”

“Dallas, take a minute to absorb, okay? She knows it’s bad.”

“I’m fine, Dean. What room.”

“Four,” he answered, following me out as I rushed to the door, my chest so tight I took only a deep breath before walking into the room.

Beatrice was sitting on the bed in a hospital gown, her arms folded. She greeted me with a smile and an immediate, “Oh shit, well I wasn’t sure until now. You really do have a terrible poker face.”

I glared at Dean and then gathered myself quickly. “This isn’t a conversation we had today, Dallas,” Dean defended. I nodded and moved to her bedside. She was trying to hide her fear but I could tell she was scared. I grabbed her hand and sat with her while Dean stood next to the bed.

“We have some tests to run, several. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t look good, but we are going to fight this hard. I need you to trust me and do exactly as I say, okay?” She nodded.

“Okay,” she said quickly, giving my hand a tight squeeze. “I’ve lived a good life, baby, and if this is the way I get to go—”

“Don’t, not yet. Let me see what we are dealing with here,” I said quickly. I gave her a brief hug and she held onto me tightly. I pulled away and kept a straight face, knowing that she needed me now more than ever.

“Is there anyone we can call?”

“No baby,” she said tightly. “Let’s just get this done.” I nodded and stood up. “I’m going to order the tests. I’ll have you moved up to my floor.”

She gave me a warm smile. I turned to Dean. “Give us a minute.” He nodded and went to Beatrice and squeezed her hand. She looked up at him and winked. I could feel the heaviness in him as he walked out the door.

I watched his retreat and as soon as the door closed, I turned to her. “I’m so sorry for what I said last week. I wanted to apologize before now and I need you to know that. I love you, Beatrice. You have been my rock. I think you know that, but I want you to know, I will do everything I can.”

“Baby, listen, I asked for you because I trust you, but I want you to promise me now, if I can’t kick this you, won’t blame yourself.”

“I promise,” I said sincerely.

“Go. Go find a way to fix me,” she said, her chest heaving. I hesitated knowing her levy was one drop short of breaking.

“I don’t want you to be here when it happens.” Sighing, I got up. “Go,” she said more sternly. I watched her chest push and pull with emotion as I quickly walked out the door. I stood outside of it, listening to her sobs. No matter how strong your character, when you have been sentenced the way she had, you find your strength in release and acceptance. Whether you came out ready to fight or fail, it happens to everyone, and Beatrice was not the type to accept any sort of pity. I cried with her outside that door and prayed silently before squaring my shoulders and looking for Dean. I found him in his office, leaning back and staring at his ceiling. When I appeared at his door, he stood quickly, walking over to me then closed the door behind me.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, kissing my newly stained cheeks.

“I’m not giving up. I can’t. I won’t sentence her to death. This is so fucked up. I love her, Dean.”

“I know,” he murmured, planting small kisses all over my face. I let him kiss me and wrapped my arms around him. “I need you,” I said urgently. His eyes lit up with recognition and he didn’t hesitate before moving his lips over mine. I let out a sigh as our tongues mingled, kissing him more urgently.

“Make it go away,” I said as I broke away to slide my jacket off my arms. “Please, Dean.”

I slipped my hands around his waist, grinding him into me, desperate for his touch. I reveled in the feel of him and reached for his pants zipper, but he stopped me.

“Dean, please.”

“Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered as he lay his head on my shoulder for several minutes. “We can’t do this, not like this. You’re hurting and you aren’t thinking clearly.”

I sighed heavily, knowing he was right. I was once again trying to mask my pain the wrong way.

“Let me take you home.”

“Not a chance. I’m not leaving her, at least not today.” He nodded as if he understood and then quickly asked his next question.

“Please tell me what I can do.”

“She has a cat named Morris. He will need to be taken care of. I don’t think she’s thought about him.”

“I already have her keys,” Dean said, pulling them from his pocket.

“Okay, thanks.” I turned to leave and he stopped me.

“Will you come to me when you leave here?”

“I don’t know. I have a lot to do. It’s going to be a rough couple of months,” I offered quickly.

He stopped my movement with caressing hands on my shoulders. “So let me in. Let me be a part of it.”

“Dean—”

“So it’s okay to run to me for a quick feel better fuck but not for what you really need?”

“Damn it, can we not do this today!”

“Oh we are. Right here, right now.” I pulled the door open and he slammed it, turning me back to face him.