The Fear of Letting Go (28 page)

Everything I have built over the past four years is slipping through my fingertips. My friendships. My job. My identity as a student.

I keep my eyes open for jobs here in Fairhope, but the only things posted are with the Wright Corporation. There's no way I can to bring myself to apply for a job working for Preston's family. With him taking over more and more of the responsibilities of the office, I would be bound to run into him from time to time, and it would break my heart to see him so often.

I know my only real choice for a future is to leave Fairhope. To start over and try to build something more stable for myself in a new city.

A week before graduation, my first real job offer comes in, and it's more than I could have hoped for. It's for a sales position in Nashville. It will mean long hours and a lot of travel, but the money is beyond good for a girl like me. And Nashville is supposed to be a fun city, right? I could learn to love it there, as long as I don't let anyone get too close.

The biggest catch is that the job starts June 1st. No exceptions.

June is only one month away, but the real issue is that the trial against Burke Redfield in Boston starts only two weeks before the beginning June. There's no way to know whether they'll be finished by then or not, and more importantly, how long it will take the jury to come to a decision.

I really want to be there for Leigh Anne when the verdict is read.

I make a call to the company and tell them about the trial, but the man on the phone apologizes. This is the last training session for six months. If I can't make it, I'll have to wait another six months and see if another position opens up.

“We value dedication, Ms. Lewis,” Mr. Hanover says. “Prove to us you're one hundred percent dedicated to this position, and I can promise you, you'll be rewarded. Our company provides some of the best benefits around for entry-level sales reps. A company car, cell phone, and even a discount on rent in one of the most sought-after apartment properties in downtown Nashville. We only choose the best candidates possible, so we hope you'll be able to make it. We'd love to have an answer by the end of the week.”

I thank him and hang up. There have been other job offers, but nothing has been as promising as this. The base salary alone is higher than many others, not to mention the potential for huge commissions.

I have never wanted to be a sales person, but after my mother's death, I realize now, more than ever, how important it is to be practical. Following your heart only leads to trouble.

But missing this trial is not an option. Leigh Anne has been there for me every step of the way over the past year. I want to see this through with her.

I'll just have to hope the trial is over in time for me to make the drive to Nashville. Somehow, it will work out.

And yet, I don't call the man back for five days. Every time I pick up the phone, something stops me. I don't know if it's the thought of having to start over or the thought of leaving everyone behind, but I feel like I'm waiting for some kind of sign that this is the right thing.

On my last day to decide, I run into Preston for the first time since we broke up.

It catches me so completely off guard, I don't even have time to turn and hide, or pretend I didn't see him.

One minute I am heading to the coffee shop to grab my morning coffee, and the next I'm standing face to face with the first guy who ever said he loves me.

“Jenna. I've been trying to call,” he says. He places his hands awkwardly in his pockets and shifts his weight. His skin is pale, as if he's been avoiding the sun lately.

“I know,” I say. “I just think it's better if we don't argue about it when we both know nothing is going to change.”

“It isn't?” he asks, his eyes so full of sorrow.

I shake my head and look away. “Not for me it isn't,” I say. “I never meant to hurt you, Preston, but...”

My voice trails off and I shrug. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I have to learn to let go of whatever it is I feel for him. Love. Lust. Friendship. If I'm truly going to start over, I have to move on from those emotions and focus on what's really important.

“I have to go,” I say, and turn around.

“Wait.” He grabs my arm and the touch of his skin against mine brings tears to my eyes. I miss him more than I'm willing to admit. “I just want you to know that I'm here for you,” he says. “Not to try to fix anything or change you. Just to listen or whatever you need, okay? Even if you don't want to be with me, I haven't given up on you. If you need me, I'm here for you.”

I nod and swipe at the gathering tears on my eyelid. “Thanks,” I say. “I'll see you around.”

I rush around the corner and press my head to the rough brick of the wall, letting the tears flow. When I've recovered enough to talk again, I make the call.

“Mr. Hanover? This is Jenna Lewis,” I say. “I've decided to accept the sales position.”

Jenna

Graduation day comes and goes without any celebrations.

Penny is busy with the baby, and Leigh Anne and Knox have already left for Boston. I miss Preston, but I know reaching out to him will only make things worse.

I decide to spend the afternoon after the ceremony packing up my apartment instead.

I tape a new box together and start the process of sorting through my things. The artwork is the hardest to pack. I don't have the money to buy fancy packing materials, but I also don't want anything to be damaged on the trip. I do my best to wrap my books and sculptures in tissue paper before nestling them together in the box.

When the art is put away, I start on the kitchen. By the end of the evening, most of my apartment is packed and ready to go. The only things that sit out on the bar in the kitchen are my diploma and the urn that holds my mother's ashes.

I walk over and take the paper in my hands, running my fingertips across the raised letters.

My mother would have been so proud of me. She may not have admitted it, but I know she would have been. She'd always wanted me to go to college, saying I could make a better life for myself than she ever did. It's hard to believe I've actually done it. Summa Cum Laude. An honor graduate from a real university.

I suddenly feel very lonely, the thought of leaving wearing so heavily on my mind, I'm afraid it will kill me.

I decide to go to the one place that has been my constant since I moved here.

Brantley's is still busy with families and students celebrating the big day, and my spirit lifts when I walk in. Maria is standing by the hostess stand and gathers me up in her big arms.

“I was hoping you would stop by tonight,” she says. “I missed seeing you today at graduation, but I was there, cheering you on when you crossed that stage. I'm so proud of you, girl.”

“Thank you,” I say, hugging her back. “Is it okay if I hang out at the bar for a little while?”

It's against restaurant policy for employees to drink at the bar, but I already had my last night of work this past week.

“Of course,” she says. “You don't actually work here anymore. Might as well enjoy yourself.”

“Thanks, Maria.”

“I always knew I was going to lose you someday,” she says, gently brushing my hair out of my eyes. It's the most tender move she's ever made toward me, and it touches my heart. “I'll be sad to see you go, but man, I loved having you for as long as I did.”

“Don't get all sappy on me now,” I tease.

She rolls her eyes and pushes me toward the bar.

I laugh and take a seat toward one end. Colton's busy, but I'm glad he's the one working tonight. He comes over as soon as he can and leans against the top of the bar.

“Well, well, if isn't our little graduate,” he says, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Champagne?”

“Champagne and strawberries,” he says. “Coming right up.”

He brings the drink over with a plate full of freshly cut strawberries dipped in chocolate. It's my favorite dessert on the menu.

“Thank you,” I say.

“How come you aren't out celebrating?” he asks. “I thought you'd be living it up downtown by now.”

I shrug and take a sip of the champagne. It's cold and sweet. The bubbles tickle my throat on the way down. “I haven't felt like celebrating much, lately, I guess.”

“I never did tell you how sorry I was to hear about your mom,” he says. “Were you close?”

“Sometimes,” I say, and leave it at that.

“We're going to really miss you around here,” he says.

“Have you given any more thought to that job over at Rob's?” I ask. “You'd do well there, I think.”

“I don't know,” he says. “I hate to walk out on Maria.”

“She's seen a lot more employees walk in and out of those doors than the two of us,” I say. “She's survived this long. I think she'll be okay.”

“I don't mean to pry, but whatever happened between you and Preston?” Colton asks, resting his chin on his hand. It's as if he read my mind. “I don't mean to pry, but I figured he'd be whisking you off to some exotic location right after graduation.”

“He never belonged with a girl like me,” I say. I down the champagne and he fills the glass again. I take a bite of strawberry and sigh.

“Any man would be lucky to have someone like you. I know it sounds weird coming from me, but I'm real sorry to hear things didn't work out between you two,” he says. “There was just something about you that fit, you know? I would give anything to have a girl's eyes light up when she looked me, the way yours did when you were together.”

Did my eyes light up when I was with Preston?

I miss him so much, my heart hurts.

Colton excuses himself to wait on a pretty brunette who has taken the seat two down from mine.

I study her, with her designer bag and perfectly manicured nails. Not a hair out of place. That's the kind of girl Preston belongs with, I think sadly.

I push the plate of strawberries away. I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Jenna

Testimony in the trial against Burke Redfield begins on a Wednesday.

With five victims to testify, there is no way to know how long the trial might last, but I want to be up there for as long as I can, to support my friend.

Penny and Preston's father arranged the rental of two houses in a gated neighborhood near the courthouse as a place for Leigh Anne's friends and family to stay. They even offered to fly us all up to Boston in their private jet, but I need to have my truck with me in case the trial runs long, and I have to leave to get to my job in time. All my things are already packed and loaded into the back.

With Leigh Anne scheduled third in line to give her testimony, I begin my drive on Wednesday afternoon, hoping they won't get to her testimony until at least Thursday. There are tears in my eyes as I drive away from Fairhope. My first time leaving the state I was born in, but I'm alone, with no one to notice or care. It's as if all joy has been sucked from life, leaving only a withered shell of who I thought I had become since moving to Fairhope.

I arrive at the house Wednesday at nine in the evening.

“It's just hard to believe it's really here,” Leigh Anne says. Everyone else has already had dinner, but Leigh Anne saved a plate for me. I eat as we sit at a table by the pool. “After all this preparation and media attention, it comes down to this.”

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” I ask. It's a stupid question, though. It would be impossible not to be nervous.

“I'm terrified,” she says. “Sometimes having to go through the story over and over again is hard enough, but tomorrow, I have to talk about all those horrible things he did to me while he's sitting right there, denying it. I'm afraid it will feel like going through it all over again. I wish I didn't have to see him.”

“How did things go today?”

“I wasn't allowed to be in there while the other testimonies were being given, but everyone said it went exactly as expected,” she says. “The defense is trying to make a case that the five of us somehow planned our testimonies as a way to get media attention. It's ridiculous.”

“It's all just part of the game,” I say. “But the important thing is that the truth is finally coming out. After this, everyone will know the truth about him.”

“I hope so,” she says. She reaches over to take my hand. “Thank you for coming up here. It means a lot to me.”

“I'm glad to be here,” I say. “I just wish you didn't have to go through this at all.”

In the morning, we all gather in the courtroom and listen to Leigh Anne's testimony. I am struck by her strength, not sure I'd be able to do what she's doing if this had happened to me. All those eyes on her, judging every word. Every choice.

And Burke Redfield in his expensive suit with his high-dollar attorneys, acting like this is all some big annoyance. Nothing to be taken seriously.

The courtroom is completely silent as she tells her story of the night she was raped. Her voice only wavers once, and somehow, she manages to get through it.

When she's finished and the cross examination is over, the judge calls for a break and all of us walk over to a little diner around the corner for lunch. I avoid Preston's eyes, and he seems to understand that this has nothing at all to do with us. We are all here for Leigh Anne, and nothing else matters.

The next full day of testimony passes quickly, and when the weekend comes, we take a break from the stress and worry of the trial by binge watching TV shows on Netflix. I'm thankful Preston keeps his distance, but there's tension between us I can't deny.

I wish I could lean on him. Be with him and talk to him about how hard this is on all of us, but there's no use opening that door now, when I'll be leaving for Nashville in a week.

Leigh Anne is holding up amazingly well. She spends a lot of time alone in her room with Knox or snuggling with Penny's baby, but she never falls apart or loses her focus. I wish I could be more like her and find such strength in the hard times.

The following Wednesday morning, the state rests their case and the jury goes into deliberations.