The Fear of Letting Go (30 page)
Read The Fear of Letting Go Online
Authors: Sarra Cannon
Tags: #Christmas Love Story, #New Adult Romance, #Christmas Romance, #Small-town Romance, #NA contemporary romance, #College romance, #Womens Fiction
All five victims sitting on the front row—including Leigh Anne—are huddled close, shoulder-to-shoulder.
I study the faces of the jurors as they look at him, trying to get some idea of their decision from the expressions on their faces, but I can't read them at all. I can hardly breathe, my lungs locked up and shallow, as if I'm sipping air through a tiny straw. I cling to Preston's hand like a lifeboat.
Time is moving in slow motion as the foreman unfolds the slip of paper and clears his throat.
“On the first charge of rape, we the jury find the defendant, Burke Redfield, guilty.”
Tears sting my eyes at the word, and I exhale. Whispers shudder through the courtroom.
“On the second charge of rape, we the jury find the defendant guilty.”
The foreman continues to read each individual charge—a total of seven counts of rape and indecent assault—and with each guilty verdict, a feeling of gratitude ripples through me. A few rows in front of us, Leigh Anne has her arm around one of the other women, their heads close together and their shoulders shaking with tears.
We wait as the judge and jury go through the rest of the procedure, and as soon as we are dismissed, Preston stands and pulls me into his arms. People begin filing out of the courtroom, some bumping against us as they race to leave, but all I can do is search for my friend in the crowd.
Leigh Anne comes to us, her face streaked with tears. There are no words strong enough to express what we are feeling. Instead, the group of friends who have come to stand at her side—Preston, Mason, Penny, Knox, Jo, and myself—surround her and pull her into a hug.
In that moment, I know in the deepest part of myself that this is what family is all about. Whether it's by blood or by choice, there are some people who leave a mark on your soul forever. You care about them enough to tell them when they're making bad decisions, and you stand beside them even when times get rough.
You love them, even when you're terrified that losing them will break your heart.
Preston
I look for Jenna after everything settles down. Being there for the reading of the verdict today made me realize just how much I can't stand to lose her. I wanted to give her time, but I have to let her know how I feel before she leaves for her new job.
I go to her room at the house we've rented, but her things are gone. My heart plummets into my stomach. Please don't let her have left.
I race down the stairs to the garage where she's been parking her truck, but there's no sign of her.
Most of our group is gathered in the kitchen eating lunch. I pull Penny to the side.
“Have you seen Jenna?” I ask, my heart beating so fast. I'm so terrified she's left for her job in Nashville already, and that it's too late to make things right between us.
“Did you check her room?”
“Her things are gone,” I say. “I don't see her truck, either.”
“I think she parked out front,” Knox says, overhearing our conversation. “I heard her say she was going to step outside to make a phone call.”
I'm out of breath when I reach the pool and see her standing near the gazebo, her phone pressed to her ear.
When she sees me, she stops for a moment, her lips parted slightly. She turns away, and I wait for her to finish her conversation before walking over to her.
I have never been so nervous in my life. I know that she may tell me she doesn't feel the same way, or that she's not willing to stay in Fairhope, but I have to at least tell her what's in my heart. I have to make sure she knows.
“I was afraid you'd already left,” I say as I step onto the gazebo.
“I had planned to leave today,” she says. “I had my bags already packed in the truck. I need to leave this afternoon to have any chance of making it to Nashville on time for my training.”
“Don't go,” I say. She opens her mouth to speak, but I stop her. “Before you say anything, please just hear me out.”
Her eyes fill with tears, but she stays silent.
“I have been lost without you these past few weeks,” I say. “I know that when we first started going out, we thought it was just for fun. Just for a while. But I never expected to fall so hard. Jenna, I know I can't even begin to understand what you've been through. I know losing your mother and having to face your past was difficult for you, but I can't let you go without telling you how much I love you. How much I need you. You still see yourself through their eyes, like you're worthless, but I know the truth. Jenna, I see you better than you see yourself. In the past few months, you have taught me more about strength and courage than anyone ever has.
“I know it won't always be easy, and it will mean facing the demons of your past, but I'm asking you to believe in me. To trust that sometimes love can heal, not destroy. To stop thinking about what happens when this ends, and finally open yourself up to the possibility that maybe what we have could last a lifetime.”
She closes her eyes and tears run down her cheeks. My heart is pounding, and I'm so terrified she's going to walk away from me. That I'm going to lose her again.
“Jenna, I'll do anything—”
“I'm not going,” she says, so softly I'm afraid I didn't hear her right.
“What?”
“I said I'm not going to Nashville,” she says. She smiles through her tears. “That's what I was trying to tell you before you stopped me. I just got off the phone with them. I told them I'd changed my mind.”
“You're staying in Fairhope?” I can hardly breathe. I'm afraid to let myself hope this could be true.
“I'm staying,” she says. “Today in that courtroom, I realized my whole family is in Fairhope. Everyone and everything I love, Preston. Including you. You're right. I was so scared of how it would feel to lose you that I pushed you away before you got the chance to hurt me. I never expected to fall in love with you, either, but when it happened, it terrified me. I thought that once you realized the truth about my past, and saw it with your own eyes, it would turn you against me. But what I realized today is that being without you is more pain than I can bear, and the only thing I would regret more than a broken heart is walking away from you.”
I pull her into my arms, crushing her to me. My eyes fill with tears of relief and my heart overflows with love.
“There is already too much pain in this world, without me bringing it upon myself,” she says, her tears soaking into my shirt. “My whole life, I never learned to hope for anything more. I thought love was a fairy tale meant for princesses and storybook characters. I never dreamed it could happen to me.”
“You deserve it more than anyone I know,” I say. I draw her into a kiss. “If it takes me a hundred years to prove it to you, I'm going to show you that sometimes, people do get to live happily ever after.”
Jenna
The whole crew is gathered at Rob's to celebrate Penny and Mason's wedding.
Much to her mother's horror, Penny chose a small poolside ceremony with only close friends and relatives. It was a breathtaking fall wedding, with the kind of weather brides dream of. The brilliant golds and reds of the leaves on the maple trees behind their house were a perfect complement to the shining bride, who held her five month old child in her arms as she exchanged her vows.
Knox closed down the bar for the reception, and we all gather around the small stage as Mason sings a song he wrote for his bride, a guitar cradled in his arms. It's a moment I will never forget, surrounded by the kind of family I thought I would never have.
Preston puts his arms around me, and we sway together, our cheeks pressed tightly together as he whispers his love to me.
I remember our first dance on this floor last March, when every touch of his hands felt so dangerous, yet so right. I could never have dreamed that life would bring us to this moment, our hearts fully open to each other.
His parents have been more accepting of our relationship than I ever thought they would. Preston says that for all their pushing, they really do just want him to be happy.
His father has even agreed to give him a couple of years off work for us to travel the world, once he graduates in the spring. We've only just started planning where we want to go, but our first trip begins tomorrow. Two weeks in Tibet for Fall break.
I'm so nervous and excited about leaving the country for the first time, I'm sure I'll hardly be able to sleep tonight.
This has been a year of firsts for me. First love. First time leaving my home state. And at Penny's urging, first time opening my own store on Etsy. She's been helping me organize the business side while I've been working on fun and creative artwork to sell. Right now, it's mostly sculptures and small items for decorating nurseries, but the orders are already pouring in so fast I can hardly keep up with demand. With my friends beside me, cheering me on, the possibilities of what I can achieve seem endless.
When the song ends, Preston and I go to the bar for a glass of champagne. Colton winks and pours two glasses. He finally left Brantley's and took Jo up on her offer to work at Rob's. As the two of them work together behind the bar, I think I see the tiniest sparkle in Jo's eyes when she looks at him. I wonder if there's something brewing between them.
Preston squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek. “I'll be back in a second,” he says.
He goes to the stage and holds up his glass. All around the room, our friends and family turn, their faces toward the happy couple beside Preston.
Leigh Anne comes to stand beside me, our matching lavender dresses shimmering in the light. She takes my hand, and I hold tightly to her. She's a new person since the trial. The fear in her eyes has been replaced with hope. Burke was sentenced to eight years in prison. It's not a harsh enough punishment for a guy like him, but at least the world knows what he did.
I know she will bear the scar of what happened to her for the rest of her life, but I hope now she has found some peace.
“As the best man and brother of the bride, I'd like to make a toast,” Preston says. “To love. Sometimes, it can take years before you realize it's been standing right in front of you the whole time. Sometimes, it finds you when you least expect it. Love can be wonderful. Love can be terrifying. But when it's right, it's worth risking everything you have to hold on to it. Here's to Penny and Mason and baby Rachel. I wish you a lifetime of love beyond your wildest dreams.”
“Here, here,” Preston's father says, raising his glass.
We celebrate into the night, only getting a few hours of sleep until we board the plane. It has taken Preston weeks to obtain all the certificates and visas for me to bring my mother's ashes with me overseas, but the day is finally here.
We travel first to Shanghai, and then fly from there to Lhasa, Tibet. With only one night of rest, we dress warmly and trek into the Himalayan mountains until we find a spot that feels right.
The land here is so beautiful it takes my breath away. Snow-covered peaks surround. The architecture of the city itself is striking and so different from anything I've ever known. I want to drink it all in with my eyes and send it straight to my soul.
After a while, we find a quiet spot in the mountains beside a lake. Preston rests his arm across my shoulder as I say goodbye to my mother one last time.
“I know you made mistakes in your life, Momma. I blamed you for your choices and your decisions my whole life. It's only now that I see you were so afraid to leave my father and stand on your own, that it paralyzed you. Your fear of just letting go and learning to trust yourself for a little while, kept you from ever really finding happiness,” I say. Cold wind stings my cheeks as a tear falls from my eye. “I hope that now, wherever you are, you have found peace.”
I spread her ashes around the edge of the lake, watching as they settle on the water and the grass. I cannot imagine a more peaceful place to lay to her to rest.
I place the empty urn in my backpack and in time, we turn and walk farther up the mountainside. My legs burn and the air becomes harder to breathe, but just when I think I can't take another step, the view opens up, revealing the entire city below us and the expanse of mountains behind.
I am struck by its beauty, unable to speak. I take Preston's hand and lean against him, feeling, in this moment, that the whole world has suddenly opened up to us.
I realize suddenly, that our journey up the mountain is like life. Sometimes it is so difficult you think you can't possibly go on. Sometimes the fear of falling paralyzes you and makes you want to give up.
But if you never take those risks, and you never learn to let go of your fear, you just might miss the moments that take your breath away.
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