The Felix Chronicles: Freshmen (40 page)

“I could tell you the whole journal if I wanted. Every word.”

“Interesting.” Bill steepled his fingers. “And to answer your question… yes. Sorry. That’s a helluva way to start your college career, isn’t it?” He gave Felix a curious look and added: “But you seem to be handling it remarkably well.”

Felix shrugged as if to say
what do you want me to do?
He was so wiped out from the events of the past day that he felt flat, almost incapable of emotion. Maybe he should be running around screaming like a lunatic. Maybe that’s what most people would do. But he was just too tired to react like most people. And besides the fatigue, there was another factor at work:
skepticism
. His doubt was acting as a powerful sedative, dulling the sharp edges of his confusion and fear.

“Well, the good news is he doesn’t know you exist,” Bill told him. “Lofton never knew about your mom, the Cycle, or the journal. But just to be safe, I erased your mom’s life. There are no records for her. It’s like she never was. I also erased your birth and adoption records. Your parents couldn’t have proved you were adopted even if they’d wanted to.”

“How’d you do all that?”

“A lot of well-spent money and knowing the right people. I covered all the bases. Lofton doesn’t know you’re his cousin. He doesn’t know you’re the Belus. You’re safe. I’ve made sure of that.”

“Then why’s he in Portland? I thought he was British. What the hell’s he doing here? That can’t be a coincidence, right?”

Bill glanced at the window. “It is a coincidence.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“But—”

“If Lofton knew you were here, you’d be dead,” Bill told him in a firm voice. “Can we agree on that? You’re obviously still alive. So he must not know you’re here. Therefore, Lofton’s presence in our fair city of roses is purely a coincidence.”

“Oh.” Bill’s logic seemed flawless. Then again, Felix’s brain was slogging along like his first car, a ’99 Pontiac Bonneville that only made it a month before the engine seized up and died on him.

“But you don’t need to worry about Lofton just yet,” Bill said amiably. “You’re not ready for that. And you won’t be for a while. You look a little pale. You sure you don’t want me to order you something? Chinese food? How about some juice? Your blood sugar’s probably low.”

“Nah. I’m gonna grab a burger.” Felix pushed his chair out from the table and started to stand. He had more questions—a lot more—but a crushing wave of fatigue had risen up and crashed down on him.

“Okay.” Bill dropped his eyes to the table, then brushed aside some imaginary dust. “I’ll let you go. But before bed tonight, can you do me a favor? Try to relax, okay? If you melt another dorm room, people will start talking. Stick around for a minute and I’ll show you a few things I find helpful when I feel like I’m about to lose it. It works.” A flicker of a smile passed over his face. “Sometimes.”

It was just after eight o’clock. Downey’s fourth floor was calm. Felix nodded at a guy whose name might be Aaron or Adam—or maybe it was Steve?—and stopped in front of his room. After gorging himself at the McDonald’s on 1
st
Street—three double cheeseburgers, two large orders of fries and a large chocolate shake—he’d crashed on the couch in Woodrow’s Room. The leather was soft and the windowless room was as quiet and dark as a cave. If some Native American ghosts had an issue with him being there, he figured it was worth the risk.

By now, he figured, Lucas and the girls had to be out partying and celebrating the end of midterms. He didn’t want to party. He didn’t want to hang out with anyone or do anything. He just wanted to hibernate in his bed for a few days and see what the world looked like when he woke up—it couldn’t make any less sense than it did now. Then a terrible thought occurred to him and he paused, his hand on the doorknob: What if Lucas was hooking up with Piper or some other random chick? But it was too early in the night for that—he hoped. He opened the door.

The room erupted in an explosion of sound and light.

Felix was still a little groggy from his five hour nap. He stood there trying to work out what was going on. Allison, Caitlin, Lucas and Harper were all sitting on the floor, shouting raucously and clapping their hands. His first thought:
this isn’t my birthday
. His second thought:
what the hell did they do to my room?
Colorful, shimmering streamers and ribbons, and garlands made up of glittered dots, slithered across the window and closets and hung from the ceiling like psychedelic hippie-inspired stalactites; green and orange helium balloons floated around in bunches, skirting along the ceiling, stalling at the corners; life-sized wall decals of NFLers—Tom Brady, Clay Matthews, J.J. Watt and Peyton Manning—plastered the walls (Brady and Manning were posed somewhat unconventionally, suggestive of acts you would never see on a football field); and in the back of the room, a wall-to-wall banner spelled out FOOTBALL HERO in huge silvery light-reflecting letters. Glittering streamers taped to the light fixture swayed in the wake of the balloon generated currents, casting the room in sparkly color-shifting light like a disco ball; one moment everything was blue, the next pink, the next orange.

“Felix!” Lucas shouted, springing to his feet, nearly tripping over a pair of cardboard boxes on the floor beside him. He crumpled up a grease splotched paper bag with a Taco Bell logo on it and tossed it in a waste basket by his closet. He came up to Felix with a big grin on his face, his arms held out wide.

Felix knew what was coming. “Really?” He smiled despite himself.

Lucas wrapped him up in a bear hug and pinned his arms to his sides, spinning him in a half-circle so that his back was to the girls. “Bring it in tight everyone!” Lucas ordered. “Group hug for our football hero!”

They converged on him. There were so many arms and bodies on Felix he felt like one of those unfortunate victims on
When Animals Attack
. The top of someone’s head—Caitlin’s?—was burrowing up his armpit. He started laughing. He couldn’t help it. “Okay! Okay! I got it. You’re mushing me. Get the hell off me, you freaks!”

Someone’s lips pressed against his ear. It tickled. “You okay?” Allison’s voice.

He nodded quickly and shouted: “We lost, you idiots! Get away from me!”

“That whole team thing’s vastly overrated.” Lucas let him go. “If those other Sturgeon dudes were half as good as you, you’d have won by fifty points.”

“What do you think of the decorations?” Harper asked.

Felix looked at her and literally forgot what she’d just asked him. She was smiling. She was also wearing clothes that hugged every inch of her magnificent body, which had the effect of immediately improving his mood (and lifting his grogginess).

“They’re great,” he said vaguely. Then he came to his senses. “No they’re not. This is crap for a kid’s party. Where’d you get this shit?”

Everyone laughed.

“Caitlin and I went to a party store right after the game,” Lucas explained. “And we may or may not have used your car without your permission. By the way, I think the Wrangler could die like any minute. It’s not sounding so good. Could be terminal. Anyway, have a seat. C’mon. We got your chair ready for you.” He pointed at five pillows arranged in a circle on the floor.

“What’s in the boxes?” Felix asked, bending over to read the shipping labels.

“I’ll get to that.” Lucas sank into a pillow butt-first. “Take your seats!”

Felix hacked his way through the silky streamers and garlands and sat cross-legged on a pillow.

“Did you hear what happened to our room?” Caitlin asked Felix, sitting down next to him Japanese-style.

His head held down, Felix looked up through his eyebrows and saw Allison twitch, an almost imperceptible shake of her head. He felt a twinge of guilt as he said, “Uh-uh.”

“There was a fire,” Caitlin said excitedly. “I wasn’t there. But oh my God.” She looked at Allison. “Thank God you’re okay.” She put her hand over her heart, on the verge of tears.

“It wasn’t really as scary as you might think.” Allison’s eyes moved to Felix. “I woke up smelling smoke, but the fire was already out.”

“So you’re okay?” Felix hoped he was showing the right amount of concern. His acting skills sucked.

Allison smiled and her eyes lit up like sparklers. “Never better.” Then her smile faded and her forehead crinkled up with worry lines. “But I could kill Dr. Borakslovic. I hate that bitch.”

“Who’s that?” Felix asked. “Isn’t she the skinny—”

“The dean,” Allison said sourly. “At freshman orientation, remember that ugly hag who looked like she was going to tongue kiss Grayson? Her.”

“Oh yeah,” Felix said. “What’d she do?”

“She wanted to move us to Satler,” Caitlin told him. “And she was insinuating that it was cigarettes. And since I wasn’t there…”

“I could kill her!” Allison shouted. “And that’s
after
the fire department came and said it was caused by faulty electrical wiring. And I don’t smoke! If I did, I’d take a cigarette and burn out her eyes.”

“But it all worked out.” Caitlin gave Allison an alarmed look. “The school’s paying for all the stuff that got damaged.
And
we got a room here.”

“But it’s on the first floor,” Harper said, puckering her lower lip. “We’re not neighbors anymore. I’m so sad.”

What would it be like to kiss Harper?
Felix wondered, staring at her mouth. That same thought had crossed his mind maybe fifty thousand times since he’d first met her.

 Lucas clapped his hands together to get everyone’s attention. It worked. Heads swiveled. “Are you done yet? You guys have been talkin’ about the goddamn fire all day.”

“Nobody said you had to hang out with us,” Caitlin said hotly.

“You know you’d be lost without me, Little C. Ready?”

The girls nodded.

“For what?” Felix asked.

“I’m getting to that,” Lucas said. “Okay. As you all know, most of our low-brow classmates are out getting wasted drunk right now at the frats and dorms. And while they’re drinking nasty, watered-down, skunky beer out of unwashed recycled plastic cups, we’re going to get wasted drunk like a bunch of fancy high society types.”

Felix glanced at the boxes and wondered what was in them. Beer?

“Caitlin, if you will.” Lucas made a grand sweeping gesture at the smaller of the two boxes, like a game show host revealing the hidden prize. “Please open it, my lovely assistant.”

“I’m not your assistant,” Caitlin said primly. Then she smiled. “But I am lovely.” She pulled it toward her and started tugging futilely on a long piece of tape stuck to the top. She grunted. “I need scissors.”

Lucas whispered to her: “It’s already open. Just pass one to everybody.”

“Oh. Duh.” She spread apart the top flaps and reached in, coming out with a crystal wine glass in her hand.

“Ooooh!” Harper said admiringly, her eyes growing wide. “That’s so pretty.”

“It looks expensive,” Allison said.

Caitlin held it up close to her face, appraising it. “It is. This stuff’s really nice. Where’d you get this?”

“Are
you
directing this little fiesta?” Lucas said to her. “Just pass them out and limit the questions.”

Caitlin sniffed and handed out the glasses.

Lucas flipped open the flaps of the larger box and pressed them down tightly against the sides.

“I know what’s in there!” Caitlin leaned into Lucas, trying to peer over his arm.

Lucas removed a single piece of thick cream-colored stationery from the box and turned to her. “You’re a genius. My money’s on you for summa.”

Caitlin raised her arm like she was going to backhand him.

“I like it rough.” He waved the paper in Caitlin’s face. “Do you mind? This is a note from David. My agent.”

“Cool,” Harper said excitedly. “What’s it say?”

Lucas looked down at it. “Congratulations on Sota. I hope you like—”

“What’s Sota?” Caitlin interrupted.

“I should’ve skipped that part,” Lucas muttered. “Shit. You won’t give up, will you?”

Caitlin shook her head.

“Fine.
Sota
is short for Minnesota. You know, it’s the Sota in Minnesota.”

“And…?” Harper said, prompting him to elaborate.

“It’s a
cologne
.” Lucas sounded like he was deeply embarrassed, but Felix couldn’t tell if he was joking about the cologne, or if he was being serious about the cologne and feigning embarrassment, or if he was serious about the cologne and actually embarrassed. Lucas was a tough kid to read sometimes.

“Sota the cologne?” Caitlin said, clearly confused. Then her eyes got really big. “Shut up! Shut up! You’ve got to be kidding.
You
have your own cologne? That’s ridiculous!”

“Seriously?” Felix said.

Lucas started laughing. “You wanna hear the tag line?” He paused to clear his throat. “‘Experience the mystery and lifestyle of Minnesota.’”

“The
mystery
of Minnesota?” Harper said, laughing.

“And
lifestyle
,” Lucas wailed. “Don’t forget the lifestyle!” He fell on his back, laughing like a maniac.

And then everyone joined in. Felix had never known anyone whose laughter was so wonderfully contagious. And in spite of his current state, and to his surprise, he laughed like everyone else. Allison was watching him closely, smiling at him, apparently pleased that he was outwardly functioning like his normal self.

“Can I finish now?” Lucas rolled back onto his pillow and sat up, then picked the note up from off the floor and began reading again: “Okay—so congratulations on Sota. Blah, blah, blah. I hope you like wine. Blah, blah, blah. I encourage you to drink at least one bottle and do something newsworthily stupid. Blah, blah, blah. Enjoy. David. That’s it.” He reached his hand into the box and started taking out bottles, handing two to Harper, two to Caitlin and keeping one for himself. “Pass them around,” he directed. “One per person. You heard the guy.”

When Allison got hers, she ran her finger over the top. “Is there a corkscrew?”