The Fiancé He Can't Forget (6 page)

Matt would love to feel it…

Oh, how to tell him? Because she knew she had to, knew he had a right to know, and she was sharing the things she should have been sharing with him with Ben and Daisy, so much so that it was unfair.

Just how unfair was brought home to her two weeks later, when she was in their nursery looking at all the baby things and she'd jokingly talked about Ben delivering her and asked Daisy if she could borrow him. They exchanged a glance, and Ben sighed softly. ‘Amy, I'm not my brother,' he said, his voice gentle. ‘I'm happy to help, you know that, but it isn't me you need, and I can't take his place. And it isn't fair of you to ask me to. It isn't fair on any of us, especially not Matt.'

She felt hot colour flood her face, and turned blindly and went out of the room, stumbling downstairs and out into the garden. She hadn't thought of it from his side, but of course it was an imposition, and she'd been thoughtless, taken Ben and Daisy for granted, cheated Matt—but—

‘Amy, wait!'

He stopped her just before she went through the gate in the fence, his hand on her arm gentle but firm.

‘Amy. Please don't walk away. I don't mean to hurt you, but it's not my baby, sweetheart. Your baby needs its proper father—and he needs to know.'

She nodded, scrubbing away the tears. ‘You're right. I know you're right. I'll do it soon, I promise. I'm just being silly. I just don't know how…'

‘Do you want me to help you?'

She shook her head. ‘No. I'll do it. I'll call him.'

‘Promise me?'

She nodded, swallowing a sob. ‘I promise.'

She escaped then, and let herself into her house and cried her heart out in the conservatory where they couldn't hear her through the wall.

She was mortified, but more than that, she was afraid. She'd been leaning on Ben, she realised, not only because he was Matt's twin, but because he was reliable and kind and generous and decent, and because he'd let her.

And all the time it had been Matt she'd wanted, Matt she'd needed, Matt she still needed and always would. But this baby was going to make life so complicated, and it dawned on her in a moment of clarity that she'd been stalling because the status quo was far easier to deal with than the reality of sharing a child with a man who didn't really love her, even if he liked to think he might.

And that, she realised at last, was at the heart of her reluctance. They'd had a great time together at first, and the sex had always been brilliant, but Matt didn't love her, not enough to cope with the worst things life could thrust at them, and she didn't want him doing what he'd done before and offering to marry her just because they were having a child.

No, that was wrong, they'd already talked about marriage last time, made half-plans for the future. He hadn't officially proposed, but they were heading that way, drifting into it, and she wondered if they would have drifted all the way to a wedding if she hadn't got pregnant. But she had, of course, because they'd been careless with contraception on the grounds that it wouldn't
have been a disaster if she'd got pregnant, at the time they'd both been anticipating a future together

Except it had been—a disaster that had left shockwaves still rippling around her life now over four years later.

She went round to see Daisy the following day and apologised for being an idiot, and they both ended up in tears. She talked about Matt, about how she felt, and then looked at all the stuff in the nursery and felt utterly overwhelmed.

She was having this baby in just seven weeks, maybe less, and she'd been so busy fretting about Matt she'd done nothing to prepare for it. ‘I need to go and buy some basics,' she said to Daisy, and she rolled her eyes.

‘Finally! Otherwise you know what'll happen, you'll have it two weeks early and you'll have no baby stuff at all!'

 

She was wrong. It wasn't Amy who had her baby two weeks early, it was Daisy herself.

She'd come into the hospital on Wednesday morning to see them all because she was bored and restless and sick of housework, and she was sitting in the office chatting to Amy in a quiet moment when her eyes widened and then squeezed tight shut.

Then she gave an exasperated sigh. ‘Oh, I can't believe I've been so
stupid
! I had backache all day yesterday, but I've been cleaning. The kitchen was absolutely pigging, and—Amy, this isn't funny, stop laughing at me and get Ben!'

‘Get Ben why?' Ben asked, walking in, and then he looked at Daisy and his jaw dropped.

‘What's the matter?' Amy teased with a grin. ‘Never seen a woman in labour before?'

 

It was a textbook labour, if a little fast, and Amy made it quite clear to Ben that she was in control.

‘You're on paternity leave as of now, so don't even think about interfering,' she told him as she checked Daisy between contractions. Her body was doing a wonderful job, and Amy was happy to let nature take its course.

It was just another delivery, her professional mask was in place, and she was doing fine until the baby was born, but once she'd lifted their son and laid him on Daisy's chest against her heart, she let Ben take over.

It was Ben who told her it was a boy, Ben who covered him with a warmed towel as Daisy said hello to their little son, Ben who cleared his mouth of mucus with a gentle finger and stimulated that first, heart-warming cry, because Amy was transfixed, her eyes flooded with tears, her whole body quivering.

She wanted Matt with her when she gave birth in a few weeks, Matt to take their baby from the midwife and lay him—her?—on her chest, and gaze down at them both with love and wonder in his eyes. If only things were different…

But they weren't different, they were what they were, and she'd be alone, not only for the delivery but for the whole business of motherhood, and her confidence suddenly deserted her.

I can't do it alone! I can't be that strong. I'm not that brave. Matt, why can't you love me enough? I need you—

No, she didn't! She stopped herself in her tracks, and
took a long, slow, steadying breath. She was getting way ahead of herself. One day at a time, she reminded herself. She was getting through her pregnancy like that. She could get through motherhood in the same way. The last thing she needed was a man who didn't love her enough to ride out the hard times, who when the crunch came would walk away, however much he might think he wanted her.

And right now, Daisy and Ben and their new little son were her priority.

‘Let's give them a minute,' she said to Sue, the midwife assisting her, and stripping off her gloves, she turned and walked blindly out of the door and down the corridor to the stairwell.

Nobody would find her there. She could hide here for a minute, get herself together. Think about what Ben had said.

Should
Matt be there with her when she gave birth? Even if they weren't together?

Yes, if it was like this, but if anything went wrong…

He'd been there last time, distant and unreachable, his eyes filled with pain. She couldn't cope with that again, couldn't handle his pain as well as her own. The last thing she needed during her labour was a man she couldn't rely on if anything went wrong, a man who couldn't talk about his feelings or hers.

But she needed him…

No! No, she didn't! She was made of sterner stuff than that, and she could cope alone. She could. She knew all the midwives here, she'd have plenty of support during her labour. She didn't need Matt.

She got to her feet and went back to them, to find Ben sitting in the chair cuddling his tiny son with a
tender smile on his face that wasn't going to fade any time soon.

Lucky little boy, she thought. So, so lucky. Her baby would have a father who loved him like that, she knew, but it wouldn't have two parents sharing its life on a daily basis, supporting each other through thick and thin.

Her hand slid down over her baby in an unconscious caress. If only…

 

She helped Ben get the house ready after her shift finished at three.

He was bringing Daisy and Thomas home that evening, and they were almost done.

‘Gosh, I've never seen it so clean and tidy,' she said with a laugh, and he just rolled his eyes and sighed.

‘Silly girl. I should have smelled a rat when I got home last night and found the place sparkling. I can't believe I was so dense.' He gave the quilt cover one last tug into place, straightened up and met Amy's eyes.

‘Matt should be with you when you have the baby, Amy. Labour can be a tough and lonely place. You're going to need support.'

‘Ben, it's OK,' she said softly. ‘I'll be all right.'

‘And what about Matt? What about my brother, Amy? He lost a baby too, you know. He needs this to put things right for him, to balance the books a bit. You can't deny him the experience of seeing his child born. This is going to happen. You can't keep ignoring it.'

She swallowed and nodded. ‘No. You're right, I know you're right. I'll discuss it with him when I tell him—just maybe not tonight. You'll want to talk to him tonight, tell him your news. There are things we'll need
to sort out anyway, and I've only got five weeks to go. Nothing's going to go wrong now.'

Oh, foolish, foolish words.

She woke on Friday morning with a slight headache, and went downstairs and poured herself a tall glass of fruit juice and iced water, and sat in the conservatory listening to the birds.

Gosh, her head was thumping, she thought, and went and had a shower, washed her hair and let it air dry while she had another drink.

She must be dehydrated. Too busy yesterday to drink much. Too busy, and too stressed because Matt was coming up for the weekend and she was going to tell him. She'd tried to phone him last night from the hospital but she hadn't got hold of him, and she would have tried again when she got home, but she'd worked till nine and she'd been too tired, and today she was starting at seven. She'd try again this afternoon, before he left London—not that it seemed right to do it like that, over the phone, but she couldn't exactly do it face to face. He didn't need to be an obstetrician to work it out, so there'd be no subtlety, no putting it gently.

No ‘You remember that night you made love to me, and I told you it was all right because I was on the Pill? Well, there's something I need to tell you.' Nothing so easy as that—although, to be fair, it couldn't be easier than just opening the door to him. That would be pretty straightforward, she thought with a wry grimace.

She dressed for work, wriggling her feet into her shoes and sighing because even they were getting tighter. Everything was, but it was pointless buying things at this stage.

It was ludicrously busy at work, of course, and she
began to think she ought to consider taking maternity leave sooner than she'd allowed.

She had two more weeks to go, come Monday, and she was working today and tomorrow. Just as well, since Matt was going to be around, although she'd have to talk to him face to face in the end.

She found time for lunch somewhere between one and two—a quick sandwich eaten on the run, which gave her vicious indigestion, but she needed something in her stomach so she could take some paracetamol for her headache.

She sat down in the office for a moment and eased her shoes off. Pregnancy was the pits, she decided, and vowed to be nicer to her mums when they complained about it in future. Really, men didn't know how lucky they were—and that's if they were even there!

No. She mustn't be unfair. She hadn't given Matt the chance to be there.

‘Amy, can you come? I've got a mum about to deliver.'

‘Sure.'

She squirmed her feet back into her shoes, winced and followed Angie, one of the other midwives, down the corridor to the delivery room. Roll on nine o'clock, she thought. Why on earth had she agreed to do a double shift? It was a good job Ben wasn't here to see her, or Daisy. They'd skin her, but there hadn't been anyone else available at the last minute and at least it would mean she'd be out when Matt arrived.

Any other day, she thought, and tried to smile brightly at their patient. ‘Hiya, I'm Amy,' she said, and threw herself into the fray.

 

Matt's car was outside, and just the thought that he was there made her heart pound, her throat dry and her chest ache.

She hadn't been able to ring him that afternoon. Should she ring him tonight?

No. Tonight should be for Ben and Daisy, for him to meet his little nephew, although judging by the sounds coming through their front door, Thomas was well and truly met.

She could just picture him holding the tiny baby in those big, capable hands.

She closed her eyes to shut out the image and squeezed them tight shut. Oh, they ached. Everything ached. Her head, her eyes, her feet…

She looked down, and blinked. Her feet were swollen. Not just the normal swollen feet of pregnancy, but a more sinister kind of swollen. And her fingers felt tight, and her head was splitting. She could feel her heartbeat in her eyeballs, even, and as she mentally listed the symptoms, she closed her eyes and leant against her front door, stunned.

Pre-eclampsia? Just like that? But she'd been fine up to now. Ben had been monitoring her minute by minute until Thomas had been born, but that was only two days ago, and she'd had no symptoms at all.

Except the headache this morning, and the tight shoes and clothes, and the epigastric pain she'd put down to indigestion—

Lord, she felt dreadful.

Matt. I need Matt.

She could hear voices through their front door, and the baby was quiet now. If she called out— Oh, her
head ached so much, and she moaned. It was so far to the door…

She stepped over the little fence, arm outstretched towards the bellpush, but then she stumbled and half fell, half slid down the door with a little yelp. Oh, her head. She heard a voice, heard running footsteps, then felt the door open as she slid sideways across the step and came to rest.